Deeper Than Need (35 page)

A sick feeling spread through Trinity’s gut as he looked away, a muscle jerking in his jaw. “Once a kid called him a faggot. It was in the locker rooms at school. David … it was like he snapped. He wasn’t a mean kid. Mouthy at times. Arrogant in the way rich kids can be sometimes. But he wasn’t a mean guy. He wouldn’t snap over things like that, but this kid went up behind him and slapped him on the butt and called him a pretty-boy faggot—the second that kid touched him, David just snapped. Beat that boy so bad, they had to take him to the hospital. I was in there … when it happened. Tried to haul him off.”

*   *   *

Noah’s mind spun back to that day and he could remember that moment, so clear and bright. Regret ripped at him all over again. Flexing his hands, he looked down at them. “I was big even then. Strong, fast. Knew how to fight, but I couldn’t stop him. I was a few inches taller than him and a lot faster. But it took the coach and another teacher to get him off.”

Noah looked over at Trinity, saw the stark, sad expression on her face. “It was like he didn’t even know what he was doing … like he couldn’t stop it. I don’t think he even knew where he was or who he was. A few days after that was when he started talking with Lana. They’d both gotten suspended, David for the fight. Lana for mouthing off to the science teacher over dissecting something. One of the things the principal did was make kids do ‘community’ work when they got in trouble. Lana was always doing something.” Noah realized he was smiling. “None of the teachers ever did figure out she didn’t mind the community service stuff. This was like her fourth time getting in trouble, though, so he slapped her with a big project—they were helping with the work that needed to be done on the property around school, landscaping and all that. All the kids who did community service work had to get their parents’ okay, but if they didn’t do it the suspension lasted longer. It usually worked … once a kid had to go through a few of Hewitt’s community ‘give-back’ sessions, they tended to stay out of trouble, at least in school. David and Lana started talking then. She…”

Noah lapsed into silence, unable to figure out where to go from there, because
he
didn’t know what happened. He remembered going back to the locker room once, because he’d left his wallet. Nobody but David had been in there. David had all these bruises—and a weird scar that hadn’t made sense at the time. Thinking back later, and even now, Noah realized it made him think of a brand … sort of.

“He was being abused.”

Cutting his gaze back to her, he nodded. “Yeah.” He blew out a breath and nodded, resting his elbows on his knees. “I think so. Back then, I didn’t really know what to
look
for, but I knew something was
wrong
. I felt it in my gut. It’s one of the worst parts. All these unanswered questions. If somebody was hurting that kid, we’ll never know. Nobody will ever pay for it. Not on this side of the earth.”

“You think she…” Trinity stopped, a hesitant look on her face.

That edgy, angry energy burned inside him and he eased off the couch, unable to sit still, barely able to handle all the guilt and grief rising to the fore. Moving to the window that faced out over the river, he stared out over the slow-moving water.

It was growing dark and the water reflected the deep blue of the sky. Staring at it, he shook his head. “I don’t know what to think. I almost drove myself insane trying to figure it all out. If I had to guess, I’d say Lana either
knew
or she’d figured out most of it and she had some idea in her head that she’d do something to stop it all—get him out of there. Knowing David’s family, if they were involved the only way to help David was to get him out of town.”

“What does that mean?”

Noah turned around and met her eyes. He crossed his arms over his chest as some of the ugly, dark anger he’d fought with most of his life came boiling out. “I mean just that … if I’m right about this, then nobody would have believed Lana or David. David’s daddy was a good ol’ boy, Trinity. Pastor at the biggest church in town. Old family. Plenty of people in town still talk about him like he walked on water.” No matter how hard Noah tried, the disgust he felt over that colored his voice. “His wife was the same way … the picture-perfect wife for the picture-perfect pastor. Everybody saw the picture-perfect family.”

“I get the feeling that wasn’t the case.”

Noah looked past her, staring into the night as memories flashed through his mind. “David never showered around anybody. He used to get teased about it, but he never let that stop him. I figured he was modest. Some kids who are raised in the church are like that. I never saw the problem. I mean, I was in there with a bunch of guys, right? But David would either wait until everybody was done, or he’d just head home, wearing sweaty gear. Once, though … I’d forgotten my wallet in my locker, went back. I came back in; he was there.” Noah closed his eyes. “He had these bruises. I walked in right when he was yanking his shirt on, and when I asked him he said he’d been wrestling with some friends … but the bruises were all wrong.” He swallowed and closed his eyes. “There was something else. A weird scar. I’d never seen anything like it, but … it looked like somebody had
branded
him.”

Noah scraped his nails down his jaw and leaned against the wall at his back, staring up at the ceiling. “I said something to Lana. Told her I was going to tell my dad. That wasn’t too long before they disappeared. Before everything happened up here. I should have said something. But she talked me out of it. Said if I told it was going to make things worse for David and he’d finally figured out a way to make it all stop. I listened to her. I was a stupid fool and I listened to her, instead of listening to my gut.”

Moments of silence passed and then he heard the soft brush of a footstep on the floor. Lowering his head, he opened his eyes and met Trinity’s gaze. “You were a kid,” she said, shaking her head. “You can’t blame yourself.”

“I was seventeen. That’s not exactly a preschooler who didn’t know any better.”

“No. You were seventeen—and you weren’t acting alone. There were a couple of you involved and you probably knew what was what. What would your dad have done? Gone to his folks? Called the cops?”

“Both.” Noah clenched his jaw and looked away.

“If it was the kid’s dad doing it and most of the town looked up to him that much…” She sighed and tucked her hands into her pockets. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t have told your dad. But you were probably thinking that going to this kid’s dad would just make things worse.”

Noah didn’t bother answering that. There was no point. Yes, he’d thought
just
that. If Peter Sutter had been the abuser Noah believed him to be, saying anything wouldn’t do any good unless there was proof. The bruises on David wouldn’t be the proof the kid needed if the boy didn’t speak up. Now, maybe. But twenty years ago?

Noah just didn’t know.

Even
now
trying to get people moving when something was wrong almost took an act of God, it seemed. Like CTaz—

Closing his eyes, he turned away.

Just another dark tangle in his gut.

“So what happened?” she asked, sliding a hand around his waist.

He wanted to turn back to her and lose himself. Forget the darkness, forget the pain, the misery. Forget everything but her.

Trinity rested a hand on his shoulder and he locked his limbs to keep from giving in to that urge. It all but consumed him. He knew the oblivion he could find in a woman’s arms. It had given him comfort for a long, long time. And
this
need went so much deeper. The need for Trinity all but consumed him.

“What happened that day?” she asked quietly.

“Like I said … nobody knows.” Woodenly he kept his gaze locked on the Ohio. He’d done this a lot. Stared out at the river like it held the answer to everything. Sadly, those slow-moving waters had yet to offer him even a single answer. Not a one. “I know Lana was planning on meeting him. Somebody reported seeing her on the road that night. There was blood that matched her blood type, a lot of it. But there wasn’t any—”

The word caught in his throat and he closed his eyes as he forced it out. “They found no
bodies
. Not one. The car the Sutter family …
David’s
family owned was found abandoned a few miles away. Around midnight, the owner of the house, old Judge Max—you bought the house from him—called, reported a disturbance, but by the time the cops got there? Nothing. Just the blood, some inside. Some outside the house. The car they found a little later. Nothing else. Not a damn thing since.”

Trinity leaned in and pressed a kiss to his back, right between his shoulder blades.

He shuddered and clenched his hands into fists to keep from grabbing her, so desperate for the comfort, the warmth, she seemed willing to offer.

*   *   *

A shudder wracked his body. All she wanted to do was stroke all the pain away, all the misery.

Because she couldn’t not do anything, she slowly slid her arms around his waist and rested her face against his back. He stood there, rigid and unyielding.

“I’m sorry, Noah.”

He didn’t even seem to hear her.

“I waited. A few days.” Another shudder gripped him, from head to toe. “I thought she was just out somewhere with David. They’d done something, I figured, something bad, and she had to stay with him until he was safe. But she’d come back. That was all I cared about—I didn’t even
care
what they’d done, because if she’d done something awful, it was because she had to stop something bad. I knew that, in my gut. But the days just kept passing, one after another. She never came back.”

He dropped a hand down, rested it on Trinity’s wrist. “A week after it happened, I was out at this guy’s house—my dad was helping them repair some storm damage. He had a liquor cabinet. I saw a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and I just took it. I didn’t even think about it, really. It helped. A few sips at first. Then I needed more. Eventually, I couldn’t stop, even when I didn’t want to keep drinking. I had to have it.”

She smoothed a hand down his side. “You know, you don’t have to keep telling me this.”

“Yeah. I do.” His fingers closed around her wrist, gripping it now. “I need to get this out.”

“Okay.” She closed her eyes and waited, hurting for him.

“My parents didn’t see it at first … I mean, they knew I was depressed, but I’d always been a good kid. They thought I’d be okay, as long as they stood by me. Let me know they were there for me. By the end of high school, though, they knew there was a problem. I barely graduated. College rolled around and I was really running wild. I went to Hanover and I was working on sleeping with as many girls as I could, drinking as much as I could without killing myself.

“After a while, I didn’t even know myself.” He paused, then shook his head. “I still can’t remember who I used to be back then. That kid, I guess he died along with Lana and David.”

“You’re sure they’re…”

As she struggled to find the words, he sucked in a deep breath. She felt it, the expansion of his chest, the erratic movement as he blew it back out. “They’re gone. Lana, she wouldn’t have stayed away, left her dad alone and wondering all this time. He’s in a nursing home now—spent years searching for her, and he still looks for answers. Had a major stroke a few years ago. Lana adored him. If she could come back to him, she would. I don’t think she’d have just walked away from me, but I know she wouldn’t have left her dad just because she wanted to take off with David. A bunch of people said that’s what it was—said she tricked him into taking off with her, maybe the two of them killed his folks and everything, but that’s not what happened.”

Noah’s thumb stroked over the sensitive inside of Trinity’s wrist. “I spent years lost in a bottle, waiting, just waiting, hoping I was in a nightmare. Finally, I had to wake up and acknowledge the truth. She’s gone.”

“I’m sorry.” Something wrenched inside her, shattered. It might have been
her
heart, she thought.
How much of his life had he spent waiting for this girl?
she wondered. Did he even have room left in him for her?

It wasn’t something she wanted to think about, but part of her needed to look him in the eye and see. Did he even
see
her just then?

But when she tried to pull away to do just that he shifted and moved, catching her like he thought she was trying to pull away completely. Her breath lodged in her throat at the look in his eyes. He stared down at her face, and then, slowly, as her heart raced, he reached up and touched his finger to her lower lip, tracing it along the curve.

She felt the echo of that light caress down to her very core and heat flooded her.

“Stop it.” His blue eyes all but blazed as he stared at her.

She stared at him blankly.

“You wear every thought where the entire world can see it,” he said softly. He dipped his head and pressed his lips to hers, his tongue licking at the seam of her lips until she opened for him. Nerve endings popped, exploded, and the strength slowly drained out of her.

His hands stroked down her back, bringing her in up against him so that nothing, not a breath, not a memory, not even a ghost, separated them.

Against her belly she felt the full, heavy ridge of his cock pulsing against her, and she shuddered, arching closer as need throbbed in every cell of her being.

When the kiss ended, Noah didn’t pull away. He lingered there, his lips just barely touching hers, and through their clothes she felt the pulsing, rigid strength of his body. It took everything she had not to reach for him, pull at his clothing, take everything he’d give her.

But she wanted
everything
. Even his heart. Most especially his heart, she realized.

“You’re looking at me,” Noah said, his voice rough. “Looking at me and wondering if I’m just trying to forget about a girl I loved when I was a boy. Looking at me and wondering if there’s anything here, anything real between us.”

Unable to look away, she swallowed. “Is there?”