Deeper We Fall (22 page)

“Ditto,” I said, trying not to move too close to Zan.

“Who wants coffee?” Simon held up the two thermoses and some paper cups. It was technically against the rules to bring in outside food, but who the hell cared when it was this cold?

My hands were little blocks of ice and it was hard to bend my fingers.

“You don’t talk much,” I said as I wrapped my frigid hands around one of the cups.

“No, I don’t.”

“Why is that?”

He thought for a moment.

“I think most people talk too much.”

“Like me?” I definitely had the gift of gab, as my mother said.

He didn’t answer.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” I finished my coffee and flexed my fingers, blowing my warm coffee breath on them.

“Here.” He grabbed both my hands and wrapped his around them. “I can’t stand to sit here the whole second half and watch your fingers get black and fall off. It’s the least I can do after you took care of me the other night.” It was one of the longest sentences I’d ever heard him utter. That, coupled with the fact that he’d grabbed both of my hands left me stunned for a moment.

“What are you doing?” I tried to pull my hands back, but he wouldn’t let go. Damn, his hands were warm. It was like sticking them in a hot bath. It was such a change for my poor frozen hands that it almost hurt.

“Better?” he said after a moment.

“Maybe.” Yes. I stole a glance at the rest of my group, but no one was paying attention to me. Katie and Audrey were talking about bad gifts their previous boyfriends had given them, Zack was having words with a guy seated on his other side and Simon and Will were still going at it about the game.

“So is this your plan? Warm my hands up so I’ll keep being nice to you and have a change of heart?” I said.

“No. Your hands were cold, my hands are warm. I don’t have an ulterior motive other than to make your hands warm.”

“Or maybe you’re just telling me you don’t so I’ll believe you.”

“Or maybe you think too much.” I wanted to give him a snappy retort, but the game was starting again, so I had to get up and be a fan again. Zan let go of my hands.

I liked football, but only when I was in a warm room with lots of snacks and a comfy seat.

I put my hands under the blanket when I sat back down, trying to keep the heat in. I heard a little sigh from Zan’s direction as he shoved his hands under the blanket and folded mine in his again.

We stayed that way for the rest of the game, except when we had to get up and be supportive of the team. As soon as we sat back down, his hands would be around mine again. The heat traveled up my arms and through my body, almost completely defrosting me.

When the final buzzer sounded and DU won, 32 to 17, everyone in the stands got up and joined their voices in the school fight song and Zan let go of my hands for good.  We bumbled along, since we didn’t know the words, but it didn’t really matter.

Chapter Twenty-three

Zan

“Your brother really likes football, doesn’t he?” I said as we left the stadium. Charlotte had stopped holding my hands as soon as the game had ended, but I could still feel them in mine. Phantom hands.

“He wants to be an athletic director, so yeah. He loves sports.” She looked at Will as he and Simon bounded ahead, still high on the win, as if they’d had something to do with it.

“He’s passionate,” I said, thinking back to Stryker and our talk of highs.

“Yeah, he is,” she said. “Mom just wishes he’d be passionate about something that pays better.”

My parents hadn’t given me any guidance on picking a major. They’d been stunned I’d even gotten into college.

She continued to walk beside me as everyone else walked ahead of us. Zack glanced back at me and winked. Her brother also noticed and his look wasn’t as encouraging, but he was soon distracted by Audrey.

“So just like we’re not talking about the rain incident, the towel incident, the you-showing-up-outside-my-door incident, we’re not talking about the hand incident.”

I said the first thing that came to my mind.

“That’s a lot of incidents.”

“There wouldn’t be so many if you would just leave me alone.” True.

“Maybe I don’t want to.” I wasn’t sure what made me say it.

Her mouth dropped open for a second before she started walking faster to catch up with her brother. I snagged her arm to make her stop.

“Let go of me,” she hissed.

I let go of her arm. “I’m sorry. Again.”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

I looked down and shook my head.

“I ask myself that every day, Charlotte.”

“Well, when you figure out the answer, let me know.” She turned and started walking again, but she stopped after a few steps.

“Thank you. For the lanyard. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know. You’re welcome, Charlotte.” She nodded once before she turned around and ran to her brother, jumping onto his back for a ride.

“I saw you getting all cozy with Hottie back there,” Zack said, breathing in my face. He was a hotel’s worth of sheets to the wind.

“Come on babe, let’s go back to your room,” Katie said, trying to support his weight. She’d wanted to go out with the rest of the group, but there was no way Zack was walking into a restaurant without getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly. He’d started singing, which meant he was going to pass out in a few minutes.

“You need any help?” It was the first thing I’d said to her directly in a seriously long time. She still couldn’t look at me.

“I’m fine.” She may as well have been spitting the words at me. Zack continued to belt ”Don’t Stop Believing” at the top of his lungs. Katie was holding her own, but Zack tripped and they almost went over.

“Come on, bro; let’s go back to your room.” I took his weight from her. Drunk, he was even heavier than normal.

“Why don’t you go ahead and see if anyone is around so we can get him to his room without him getting busted.” Mom would have a coronary, and then Steve would have to pull some strings and make it go away. I’d rather not have to go through all that in the first place.

She nodded and held the door for us and went on ahead, making sure the coast was clear. I swiped the card to his door and got him on his bed.

“I wanna go out. Let’s party,” Zack said.

“No, you need to sit down.”

“I don’t wanna sit down.” He gave me a good shove, but I was ready for it.

This was going to be a long night.

***

Zack finally passed out an hour later, after throwing whatever he could get his hands on, and slugging me in the stomach twice. Katie stayed, even though I told her I had it under control.

“I hate it when he gets like this,” she said as he snored with his mouth wide open. She brushed back some of his hair. Even though he was passed out, she was still under his spell.

“He’ll be fine. Just let him sleep it off.”

She covered him with a blanket, tucking it in as if he was a child. He certainly acted like one.

“Thanks,” she said as we closed his door and walked toward the stairs.

“He’s my brother,” I answered.

When we got to the second floor, she gave me a little tight smile and kept walking to her floor. To Charlotte’s floor.

I had a few more missed calls from Tate asking me to party again. And one that Miss Carole had left for me during the football game. I’d been avoiding her, and she was getting suspicious.

I paced my room a few times before I called her.

“Hey, Miss Carole.”

“Alex, hello.” The relief in her voice was palpable. The fact that she worried so much about me made my throat hurt.

“I’m sorry I haven’t called you back. I’ve been really busy.”

“By the tone of your voice, I’m going to guess it wasn’t because you’ve been spending time with that girl we talked about. Alex, you don’t have to be ashamed to tell me anything. I’ll love you no matter what.” It was one of those things that parents said, but when she said it, I actually believed her. Miss Carole didn’t lie to me.

“I hung out with Tate.” She didn’t need details, most of which I couldn’t remember anyway.

“I’m not going to lecture you, since I’m pretty sure you’ve already lectured yourself. Did you learn anything from the experience?”

“It wasn’t what I thought it would be. It wasn’t the same.”

“See? This is why I say you need to make your own mistakes. You are the best teacher you’ll ever have.” She’d said it more than once to me.

“So you’re not mad at me?”

“No, Alex, I’m not mad at you,” she said, laughing. I loved her laugh. It always made her sound like a much-younger woman.

I went on to fill her in on everything else, including Stryker and my interactions with Charlotte, including the hand-holding.

“Well Alex, it seems that your mysterious charm wins out.”

“She says she still hates me.”

“Actions are stronger than words, Alex, but you know that.”

I did.

Lottie

“So you and Zan seemed pretty cozy. What the hell was that about?” Katie said that night when she got back from taking care of drunken Zack. The rest of us had gone out to get Chinese. I was prostrate on my bed, pretty sure I was never going to move again because I’d eaten too much.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said.

“I saw you holding hands. I thought you didn’t like him.”

“I don’t.”

She came and stood right next to my bed and looked down at me. “Then why were you holding his hand?”

I shrugged. “Because my hands were cold, and his were warm, and because I didn’t know how to say no.”

Katie smirked. “Well, you looked pretty into it. So did he.”

“What?” I finally sat up, making the food slosh uncomfortably in my stomach.

“Are you fucking blind? Zan is totally into you.”

“What?” I said again. Her words didn’t make sense. Zan into me?

“Will you stop saying that?”

“I’ll stop saying it when you explain what you’re talking about.” She made an exasperated sound and went back to her own bed.

“Just be careful with that one. You know what they say about the quiet types.”

I was saved from continuing the uncomfortable conversation by a call from Lexie. I hadn’t been able to visit since our zoo trip, but I’d been calling her on schedule, and she seemed better.

“Hey, Lex!”

“Hi Lottie, this is Kay.” Her tone told me instantly that something was wrong. I’d heard it to many times before.

“How’s Lex?”

She took a breath before she answered. “She’s not doing so well. She had an episode and she found one of the knives in the kitchen.” Her voice quivered and I wanted to beg her to stop. I didn’t want to know.

“She’s okay, but she’s in the hospital. I just wanted you to know. She’s going to recover, but we’re thinking about putting her in a facility for a little while. There’s an excellent one in Texas where they’re trained in to help people with injuries like hers. I wanted to thank you for all you’ve done for her the past couple of years. You’ve been the best friend she could have asked for and even though she has her moments, she always asks for you.”

My voice broke and Katie looked up from her phone. “Can I see her?”

“I don’t think so, honey. She’s having a rough time right now, and she needs to concentrate on getting better. You need to do your own thing. You’ve done so much already, and I can never thank you enough for that.”

“Can I talk to her?” The tears were coming soon, but I wanted them to wait until I got off the phone.

“She’s still asleep. Oh, honey. I’m sorry this is the way it has to be. I’ll let you know when we get her settled, okay?”

I had no choice but to say, “Okay.”

“Bye, Lottie.”

“Bye.” I stared at the phone in my hand and gave the tears permission to come.

“Is everything okay?” Katie said.

“No.” I didn’t want to be in my room anymore, but I didn’t know where else to go. I could go talk to Will and he and Simon would make me feel better. Or I could call Mom and let her give me a literary prescription. None of those sounded like good options.

“I’ll be back later,” I said, grabbing my lanyard from my desk.

“Where are you going?”

“For a walk,” I said, shoving my warm boots on.

“Alone?” It was starting to get dark, and it wasn’t smart to be walking alone at this time of night alone, especially on a Saturday night. I brought my phone with me and grabbed a jacket. My whistle and pepper spray were on my keychain in easy reach.

“See you later,” I said.

I shut the door and headed for the stairs, my eyes blurry with tears. I wasn’t looking where I was going and crashed headfirst into someone carrying a laundry basket.

I went flying. The clothes went flying. I waited for the crash of my body and the feeling of pain, but an arm pulled me and I ended up on top of something that wasn’t the floor.

“We should really stop meeting like this.”

I stared down into the eyes of Zan. His arms were around my waist and my body was pressed against his full length.

Zan moved, trying to slide himself out from under me and I was pressed against all sorts of areas I’d never been pressed against. It took me a second to realize there was a pair of boxer shorts on my head.

“You look good in my clothes.” As if this wasn’t a shocking enough situation, he smiled.

“You’re smiling,” I said.

“Yes, I’ve been known to do so every now and then.”

“We should probably get off the floor.” I was going to have to peel myself off him.

“Probably.” He pulled the boxers off my head and tossed them near the upended laundry basket. “You’re going to have to get up first,” he said. Our faces were so close our noses almost bumped.

“Oh, right.” I put my hands on the floor and sort of rolled off him onto my back. I thought about getting up, but my brain didn’t seem to think it was a good idea. Too much to process at once.

Zan sat up and looked down at me.

“Are you okay? You’ve been crying.” He pulled his knees up and rested his arms on them. The laundry had been forgotten. I finally sat up and found a sock on my foot. I took it off and handed it to him.