Deeper We Fall (24 page)

I lay down as the pops and fuzz sounded the beginning of a new song.

I caught my breath when it started. ‘Someone to Watch Over Me’ by Ella Fitzgerald.

Her voice filled my head, pushing everything out, including my conflicted feelings about Zan. I heard him breathe next to me as we both stared at the ceiling and listened to Ella sing about a boy she had loved and lost and regretted losing.

Our shoulders were nearly touching and his arm was so close to mine, I could feel how warm he was. His finger twitched and bumped into mine. Then he did it again.

I glanced down, and saw him take my hand. It made complete sense to wrap my fingers around his. He’d held my hands all afternoon, so what was a little more?

Holding Zan’s hand, in that moment, with Ella singing, felt right. This moment felt right. More right than I’d had in a long time.

Zan’s thumb started moving up and down the back of my hand with the rhythm of the song.

“I wish you wouldn’t hate me,” he said when the song ended. I turned my head to look at him. Our hands were still linked.

“I don’t want to anymore.” His eyes were deep and bottomless again. “But I can’t just erase what happened. I told you. I have to choose, and I choose her.”

“I know.” He looked down at our hands, where his thumb was still moving. He tried to pull away, but I didn’t want to let go. Correction, my hand didn’t want to let go. It was happy holding Zan’s hand. As far as hand-holding went, it was definitely top five in all of my hand-holding experience. Oh, who was I kidding? This was the pinnacle of hand-holding. Not that he had a whole lot of competition. Clark’s hands were always sweaty.

“If I could change it, I would,” he said.

“So would I.” I shifted so I was closer to him. “I used to wonder what would have happened if it was me in the car, instead of her.”

“It’s not your fault, Charlotte.”

I took a breath as Ella continued to sing. Something about the raw power and emotion in her voice loosened something in me.

“You make me feel very… confused. I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m not usually lost for words,” I said.

He didn’t answer.

“I just… You’re not the guy I imagined in my head. All these years, I’ve turned you into this monster, and then here you are, and you’re nothing like I thought you were, but it’s so hard to let go of that image, even if it isn’t real.”

“Who am I now?” For maybe only the second time in my life, I thought about my answer before I said it.

“You’re this guy who sees everything. You think before you speak, as if you’re picking the right words in your head. I wish I could be like that. Words just tumble out of my mouth and I can’t seem to stop them. I’m like a… word geyser.”

His eyes were on me, so I looked back up at the ceiling.

“You’re an extraordinary girl, Charlotte.”

“Why do you call me that? Everyone always calls me Lottie.”

“I like Charlotte. It just happens to be the name of my favorite talking spider.” I turned my head and met another earth-moving smile.

“I was named after that spider, you know,” I said.

“I know.”

“How?”

“Lucky guess.”

The record ended and the room was quiet, except for the videogame noise from Will and Simon’s room. Zan got up and found another record and put it on. And then another, and another.

Before I knew it, my eyes were drooping as we listened to Frank Sinatra’s ‘I’ve Got You Under My Skin.’ Zan was humming along, and we were still holding hands.

Zan

“Charlotte?”

“Hm?” I had been holding her hand for almost an hour. She hadn’t flinched, or tried to pull away, or yelled at me or hit me. For a second when I kissed her, I thought that she was going to slap me, but I would have taken it. A million slaps in the world would have been worth it. Burning in hell would have been worth it.

“We should probably get you to bed,” I said, as her grip loosened. Her eyes were closing, despite her effort to keep them open. Katie and Zack were probably done, but I didn’t want her to leave.

“Where’s your roommate?” she mumbled.

“Not sure. He’s never here, really.” His crap certainly was, though.

“Oh.” She let go of my hand and sat up. “I really don’t want to go upstairs. What time is it?”

“Nearly one.”

“They’re probably done, right?”

“I’m not all that familiar with my brother’s, um, stamina.”

She screwed her face up and her expression made me laugh.

“Oh, God. That is the last thing I want to think about,” she said, rubbing her eyes.

“You could stay, if you wanted.” I’d been saving the right moment to ask her. “You could have the bed and I’ll take the floor.” I hoped she didn’t think it was a ploy to seduce her. It honestly wasn’t.

“I don’t know.”

“At least let me walk you back up, then.”

She yawned and tried to get to her feet.

“Tell you what. If they’re still going at it, I’ll come back.”

I’d never hoped that my brother was having sex so much in my life.

There was murmuring coming from Charlotte’s room when we got back upstairs. It didn’t sound like sex noises, but I definitely heard Zack’s voice. Her face fell.

“Are you sure?” she whispered. “I could always knock on my brother’s door.”

“No, it’s fine. Come on.” She sleepily shuffled beside me back down to my room. I tried not to smile too much.

“Hold on,” I said before she went for my bed. I pulled out my desk chair for her and she sat down, leaning her face in her hands and resting her elbows on my desk. I’d just changed them, so the sheets were fresh, but I straightened them for her and tucked the blankets back in.

“It’s all yours.” I got some extra blankets from the closet and made up a little nest on the floor. I could have used my roommate’s bed, seeing as how he never did, but even the idea of using it grossed me out.

“Are you comfortable?” I said, looking up at her.

“Mm.” She rolled over on her side and cracked her eyes open. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” She closed her eyes and settled in with a sigh. I turned off the light and the record player and lay down on my side so I was facing her. The sound of her breathing became the soundtrack to my night as I drifted off more peacefully than I had in a long time.

Chapter Twenty-five

Lottie

When I woke up the next morning, I panicked because I didn’t recognize the bed I was in, why I was still wearing my clothes, or any of the items in the room.

It took a full second to realize that I was in Zan’s room. I looked down to see him on the floor, asleep in a tangle of blankets. He was on his back, with one hand on his chest and the other thrown out. I rolled over onto my stomach and studied him for a moment. He still had the clothes he’d worn last night on.

He really was handsome. Not in the traditional way, but in a more subtle, old-fashioned way. A lock of hair had fallen over his forehead and I wanted to move it. To feel his hair run through my fingers again.

Oh my God. What was I thinking? This wasn’t just a guy I’d met and developed a crush on. This was
Zan Parker
. I shouldn’t be kissing him and I definitely shouldn’t be spending the night in his room. What had gotten into me? Were there common-sense-destroying rays shooting out of the lights in the football stadium?

Zan sighed in his sleep and I froze. I shouldn’t be here.

Ever so slowly, I got out of his bed, which still smelled like him, found my jacket and shoes and scribbled a quick note. I practically had to step over him to get to the door. Zan didn’t move as I glanced one last time at him before I shut the door and headed back to my own room.

“What the hell are you doing?” Simon said behind me, making me drop my shoes. “Do
not
tell me you are coming out of Zan’s room. Please tell me I’m having a hallucination from playing Minecraft for too many hours.” His voice was loud, and I was worried about him waking Zan, so I grabbed my shoes and Simon’s arm and dragged him down to the end of the hallway.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I hissed, even though there was no way Zan could hear us now.

“Oh really? Because all I see is you wearing the same clothes you wore last night, minus jacket and shoes and sneaking out of a boy’s room as if you’re sneaking out of jail. Did I get that right?”

Simon was pissed. He almost never got mad, but when he did… watch out.

“We didn’t have sex, Simon. We took a walk and then we listened to some music and I fell asleep. He put me to bed and then he slept on the floor. Oh, and we held hands.”

“Are you sure that was it?”

“Of course I’m sure. What, do you think he drugged me and then took advantage? Because I think I would know if my virginity had been stolen.”

Simon shuddered at the thought of my stolen virginity and his anger subsided a little bit.

“I suppose.”

“Nothing happened, Simon. Except we didn’t wear protection when we held hands. God forbid. I was upset about Lexie and I had a moment of weakness. Or insanity. Or something. Just don’t tell Will, please.” I tried to go for the stairs to escape, but he wouldn’t let me go.

“What are you thinking, Lottie? You’ve spent so long hating him and then all it takes is one day and you suddenly don’t? What happened to duckling?”

I seriously needed to get back to my room so I could get ready for work. “It’s not like that.”

He threw up his hands. “Tell me how it is, because I’m seriously confused.”

“I don’t have time right now. Could you do something for me?” I glanced back at Zan’s door, just to make absolutely sure he hadn’t heard me.

“What is it?”

“Could you not tell Will? I don’t want him to know. Please, Simon.” I grabbed his shoulder and squeezed. I didn’t want to tell Will anything until I’d figured out what the hell I was doing.

He put both hands on my shoulders and reluctantly nodded. “Okay, okay. Your semi-walk of shame is safe with me.”

“Thanks, Simon. You’re a lifesaver.” I shoved my shoes on and dashed up to the fourth floor as fast as I could.

Zan

When I woke up, she was gone. The bed was still rumpled from where she had been, and there were a few blonde hairs on my pillowcase as evidence that it hadn’t been a dream.

I smelled my sheets, and they smelled like her. She’d left a note on a piece of paper pulled from one of my notebooks.

Zan,

Thanks for letting me crash. I’m not sure if I want to forget about this, but please don’t tell anyone. I need some time to figure it out.

-Lottie

I folded up the note and put it in my desk. I was definitely saving that one. If she decided this hadn’t happened, at least I had this piece of paper to prove to myself that it had. That was all I needed, for now.

After showering and having a Pop Tart, I went to my brother’s room to see if he was there. His roommate, a transfer from Rhode Island answered the door and said he hadn’t seen Zack since the night before.

I texted him, but got nothing. As a last resort, I thought I would try Charlotte’s room.

The light was off, so I knocked softly.

“Hey,” Charlotte whispered, opening the door slightly. She wore different clothes, and her hair was wet from a recent shower. “Katie is still sleeping.” She squeezed out of the half-open door so the light from the hallway wouldn’t invade the room.

“I’m looking for Zack.”

“He’s out having a hangover breakfast with some of the guys from the team.”

“Is she okay?”

“I think so. She feels like shit. Apparently, he had quite a few of those nips stored away, and she had a few.”

I shook my head.

“I just don’t get it,” she said, shaking her head and raking her hair back with her hand. “He’s like this malevolent force that takes normal girls and turns them into something they’re not. Not that I’m saying drinking and having a good time isn’t okay. It’s just that they do it all the time, and I know she wants to do better in school. Why am I telling you this?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t either. I’m still pretending last night didn’t happen. You’re a really quiet sleeper, by the way. I was expecting snoring, or talking or something.”

I moved closer to her, hoping she wouldn’t step back. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“No, it’s fine. Just weird.”

“I’m pretty weird,” I said.

She let out a soft laugh.

“A very wise friend told me that weird is good.”

“I’ll have to remember that one,” I said. Neither of us said anything for a moment. I had no idea what went through her head, but all I wanted was to kiss her again. She blinked, as if to clear her mind.

“Any more news about Lexie?”

“Not yet. I’m going to call her mom later,” she said. “Look, I have to be at work soon, but, um, I’ll see you later?”

“Not if I see you first.”

“Yeah, right.” Shit, I’d pushed too far. She was backing away.

“Bye, Charlotte.”

“Bye.”

Chapter Twenty-six

Lottie

“So I did something extremely stupid last night.” I was late for work, but Claudia had already been yelling at one of the other girls, so I’d been able to slip in unnoticed.

I’d already filled Trish in on the newest development with Lexie, but I hadn’t told her the rest. We were both stuck at the cutting counter, and so far, it had been slow, so we were re-arranging the bolts of quilt fabric.

“Did you get drunk and wake up in a strange guy’s bed?”

“Not exactly.” At least the drunk part hadn’t happened, and Zan wasn’t a stranger. He was a known entity.

“Come on, I’m dying here. I was up late all last night doing inventory. Please share something juicy with me.”

“I kissed Zan.”

“You, what?!” Her eyes got so big she looked like one of those bush baby monkeys. Claudia heard her and gave both of us the stink eye for socializing when we were supposed to be working.