Deeper We Fall (28 page)

“Sorry,” she said to my mouth.

“Okay,” I said back.

We tried again, and I let her decide where she was going to go. Fuck, her lips were soft and clean. I’d drowned far too much in sticky gloss in my lifetime. Lips didn’t need lube.

Her hands reached for me, fisting in my shirt and pulling me closer. We were sort of smashed sideways against the wall, so I turned, and let her lie back, keeping myself propped on my arms so I wasn’t lying on top of her. I didn’t think I could deal with that much body contact without losing it and embarrassing myself.

And then her hands wrapped around my back and she pressed her body upward, begging me.

“Charlotte,” I said before I slid my tongue into her mouth. Her only response was a throaty moan that had replaced her saying my name as my favorite sound in the entire world.

If she was any other girl, I would have had her clothes off and would be fucking her by now.

I never wanted to fuck Charlotte. Well, not unless she let me.

All those other girls, I lost myself in them. Forgot who I was. Forgot Zan Parker and all the mistakes he’d made and what everyone thought about him, and how shitty my life had gotten.

I wanted to find myself
with
her.

I pulled away from her lips and kissed her nose.

“Let the sky fall,” I said. “It’s worth it for something like that.”

She brushed my lips with her fingers.

“Regrets?” I said.

She shook her head.

“I’ve never seen you mute before.”

“It’s rare,” she said, tracing the outline of my lips with her forefinger. I kept just enough space between our bodies that she couldn’t feel my hard-on. It was pretty obvious, but I didn’t want her to think that I was pushing her. We’d only talked about kissing. I was also almost positive she was a virgin.

“I’m not having sex with you,” she said.

“I don’t expect you to.”

She raised both eyebrows.

“I would never, ever push you to do something you didn’t want to. If sex was what I wanted, I could find it somewhere else.”

She swallowed before she asked. “Do you?”

“I used to.”

Her hands moved up and down my arms. “Oh.”

“Does that shock you?”

“I don’t know. My brain is not exactly in top thinking form right now.” She smiled and I relaxed a little.

“Do you think that this could happen again?” I said.

“I’ll have to ask my Magic 8 Ball, but my sources say… Maybe. I don’t know, Zan.”

“Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”

She licked her lips. “Be someone else?”

“I could be someone else. Who do you want me to be?”

“Can I call you Alex?”

I smiled. “There’s only one other person in this world who calls me Alex, but I think I can make an exception. Would you like a new name?”

“I like it when you call me Charlotte. I almost forget sometimes that it’s my name.”

“It’s such a lovely name for a lovely girl.” I kissed her softly on the cheek.

“How do you know I’m a lovely girl?”

“I know more than you think, Charlotte.”

“Stalker.”

“I couldn’t help noticing you.”

“Why?”

Now that was a question I didn’t have the right words to answer.

“I’ve been noticing you for so long that I don’t even remember anymore. You’re kind and sweet and you always want the best for everyone you love, and you do whatever you can to make it happen. You’d sacrifice your own happiness for someone you loved.”

It was so much more than that, but at least I had words for that part.

“It’s not because I’m the one girl you can’t have? Some people do that. Fall for unattainable people so they don’t get hurt.”

“Some people do, but not me.”

A sound in the room just on the other side of the wall made us both look up, as if someone had walked in on us.

“I should go. I shouldn’t be here now,” she said.

“This isn’t the first time you’ve been in my bed.”

She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Please don’t remind me, Alex.”

“You didn’t like sleeping in my bed?”

“Shut up.” She pushed her palm into my chest and I rolled away so she could get up. “I am probably going to go back to my room and overthink this and blab to Katie and freak out and ignore you tomorrow.”

“Is that so?”

“I know my patterns.” I walked my fingers up and down her back and she let me. It was so freeing, after not being allowed to touch her for so long.

“Would you like to have breakfast with me?”

“I don’t think I’m ready to go public with this. Whatever this is.” Twirling her fingers in my hair, she pulled a little, and I thought she was going to kiss me again, but she didn’t.

“I can make a mean Pop Tart, and there’s always more tea.”

“True. As long as I can sneak down here after everyone else has gone.” We sat for a moment and I was just about to kiss her again, but another sound next door put a stop to that.

“So, breakfast?” I said.

She nodded. “Breakfast.”

I walked her to the door.

“One more goodnight kiss?” I asked. I was probably pushing my luck, but it was traditional. I had precedence on my side.

“I guess,” she said, getting up on her tiptoes to give me a quick, chaste kiss. It was still hot.

“Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Charlotte.”

I closed the door and heard her footsteps go down the hall.

“Fuck,” I said, collapsing on my bed and glancing down at my jeans. I was past the point of no return, so I was going to have to take care of myself. There was no running that off.

Chapter Twenty-eight

Lottie

“Where have you been?” Katie said when I finally came back. “I was about ready to call campus security.”

“Just made a little detour.”

“Where?” She stared at me, but I sealed my lips over the words that fluttered behind my lips like caged birds.

“Nowhere.” I yawned and flopped on my bed.

“You are lying to me, Lot.”

“I’m not lying. I’m just not telling you where I was.”

“Well, considering there is only one place that you would be reluctant to tell me about, I can assume that we got to you during dinner and you went to go see him. I’m going to guess it went well, seeing as how you were down there for a long time, and your hair is kind of funky in the back.”

“It is?” I reached back and found that my ponytail was sort of smushed to one side and quite disheveled.

“You really like him, don’t you?” The hipster glasses were back, and her bed was spread with textbooks. There was hope after all.

“I don’t know.”

“Just… be careful.”

Obviously.

“Katie? Can you please not tell anyone? I’m still trying to work out what’s going on, and I want to keep it to myself.”

“What are roommates for?”

“Exactly.”

I crawled into bed and stared at my ceiling. I couldn’t help touching my lips. They were just a little swollen. I licked them, and found his taste still on my skin.

“Be careful,” Katie said again. “Zan’s been with a lot of girls.” I glanced up, but she wouldn’t look directly at me.

“How many?” He’d said as much, but we were just kissing. It wasn’t like he was going to be my boyfriend and buy me flowers and take me on lame dates and all that. We were… we were sort-of friends. Friends who might kiss once in a while. Friends with benefits sounded so cliché.

“A lot.” Were we talking ten a lot, or twenty a lot or more? She kept re-arranging her notebooks and I could tell she didn’t want to talk about it. Why had she brought it up?

“Well, I’m not planning on sleeping with him.”

“I’m sure a lot of those girls said the same thing. It just sort of happens.”

Penises entering vaginas didn’t just happen. Otherwise there would be a lot more pregnancies. There was a lot that led up to it before the actual act.

“Have you ever had it ‘just happen’?” I said.

She nodded as if it was no big deal. “A few times.”

“With who?”

“Guys I shouldn’t have been sleeping with.” She was being really frustrating. “Anyway, just be careful.”

“Be careful, got it. You ready for bed?”

“Yeah, just have to brush my teeth.”

I’d brushed mine before I went to see Zan. I liked calling him Alex. It didn’t make him a different person, but it was like he had a secret identity that only I knew about.

I also liked having the taste of him on my mouth.

***

Somehow Zan and I made it through the next five days without anyone getting wise. Even Will. I’d sneak down, or he’d sneak up, or we’d meet somewhere people wouldn’t see us. He introduced me to his friend Stryker, who said that his place was at our disposal for any and all trysts.

I went red as Zan explained that it wasn’t that kind of relationship. We hadn’t progressed past kissing, but that didn’t stop me from feeling his hard on every single time. He tried to hide it, but he wasn’t the only one who had a hard time keeping it in their pants. I just didn’t show it as much.

Stryker and Zan would have banjo marathons while I did homework or read, or Zan and I took walks. He tried to get me to run with him, but I knew he’d leave me in the dust and I didn’t want to drag down his pace.

He soaked into my life, and once it started I couldn’t stop it. If I’d wanted to stop it, I shouldn’t have gone to his room that night, or let him kiss me.

It was too late, and I was still waiting for the sky to fall.

We were alone at Stryker’s one afternoon while he was at work, and we were supposed to be studying, but I kept getting distracted.

“Hey,” I said leaning over the rim of his book.

“Hey.” He closed his book and leaned forward. “Are you trying to get me to forget about my homework? Because it’s working.”

“Maybe. Maybe I think you’re way more interesting than ribosomes.”

“I should hope I’m more interesting than ribosomes.” He cupped my face in one hand and I leaned into him. “What is it?”

“I feel like I’m betraying Lexie by being here with you.” His lips inched closer to mine, and his face was so close, my vision blurred. “I know she doesn’t remember anything, but that doesn’t matter. I feel like I’m breaking a promise.”

“I wish you didn’t feel that way, but the fact that you feel such loyalty is another thing that makes me want you.”

I pulled back just a little so I could see him better. He was so serious and so honest. That was all I needed to know.

I pushed myself forward so my lips crashed into his. He leaned back and pulled me on top of him, scattering our books and pens and notebooks. Who gave a shit about ribosomes? I rolled so he was above me.

There was a book digging into my hip and I shoved it away. We should have moved to the couch, but I didn’t want to break away from him for that long.

He propped himself above me, as if he was waiting for something. I pushed myself up on my elbows and kissed his lips.

“You’re beautiful,” I said.

“Not as beautiful as you.” His hands slid under my shirt, pulling it up.

“Well, you’ve already seen everything there is to see,” I said, remembering the towel incident as I sort of pushed myself up on my elbows and tried to use my hands at the same time. How was I going to get my shirt off while I was lying down? Why was this so easy in movies?

“I didn’t,” he said, pulling me up. “Do you need a hand?” He looked like he was fighting a smile.

“Several,” I said as he pulled the cardigan off my shoulders, and helped me get my arms out. My t-shirt was next. He fingered the hem, raising it just a little to expose my stomach.

“Lie back.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Wait and see.” I hesitated, but he kissed me again, and my insides melted and my spine turned liquid. He left my lips and slid down my body, until his face was in line with my stomach. He lifted the shirt a few more inches, and my skin erupted into little bumps as it was exposed to the air. Zan blew on my skin, which both tickled and made certain parts of my body start tingling.

His fingers slid across my skin, and then his lips followed.

“Sweet fuck,” I hissed through my teeth.

His lips vibrated as he chuckled and it was one of the sexiest experiences I’d ever had. Granted, most of my experiences with the opposite sex had been not that sexy, but still.

“I like that you don’t have a filter,” he said as he kissed my bellybutton. “I like this too.” He slipped his tongue inside and my mind exploded. Or at least that was what it felt like.

I didn’t have words for that. Just incoherent noises.

“You’re adorable,” he said, pulling himself back up my body to meet my lips again. “I can’t believe I get to kiss you.”

“I can’t believe you just did that.” My skin was humming with joy. I still had a book under my back, but it seemed really unimportant.

“Charlotte?” he said, holding my face.

“Uh huh?”

“Are you sure?”

I ran my hands under his shirt and over his stomach. “About this? Honestly, no. But I like it, and I want it to continue.”

“How far do you want it to continue?”

“You sound like me, over analyzing. Just go with it.” I clamped onto the back of his neck and mashed my lips with his. It wasn’t the most romantic thing, but he responded, finally putting his hands fully up my shirt.

“Shirt off,” I said between kisses. He got it off as fast as he could, and it didn’t get stuck on my head. I had a moment of holy-crap-I’m-not-wearing-a-shirt before he ran his hands down my sides, over my bra (which was a cute one, at least) and back up to my face.

And then the door opened.

Zan

“Jesus. I wish I had a bucket of ice cold water right now,” Trish said, swinging her keys around in a circle. She was aware of the change in my relationship with Charlotte, and she made it no secret that she thought it was both bizarre and wrong.

“Hey, Trish,” Charlotte said, tipping her head back and looking at Trish upside down while covering herself with her shirt and cardigan.