Deeper We Fall (27 page)

“You can just vanquish them with your lightsaber. You know, use the force.” I wiggled my fingers in front of his face and he smacked them away.

His face went red and he glanced at Audrey. “Shut up.”

“I’m sure I won’t be the most scandalously dressed girl there,” I said.

“She won’t be,” Katie said. “I can guarantee some of the costumes will have nipple action.”

Will’s face went redder and his fork clattered to the floor. I was kind of enjoying this. It was a welcome distraction from
him
.

“And sooner or later, there will definitely be some vag flashed by more than one girl.” Katie was clearly enjoying this too. If Audrey hadn’t been there, Will would have been laughing and having a good time. But she was, so he squirmed in his seat.

“Fine, I’ll come,” Audrey said. “I think I’ve got something I can throw together.” She tapped her chin as if she was mentally going through her closet.

“You going to share, or is it a surprise?” Will said, leaning closer to her.

“Oh no, I’m not telling. You’ll see.”

She smirked and I thought Will was going to melt into a puddle on the floor.

He coughed and went to get a new fork.

“It’s not really fair to torture him like that,” I said to her.

“Why not? It’s way too easy.” Katie said.

“Stop it,” Audrey said. Now who was red-faced?

Will came back and they looked like a matched pair. Katie smirked at me and I tried not to laugh. We were both barely holding it together when something out of the corner of my eye attracted my attention.
He
was taking his tray back to the conveyor belt. He kept his eyes forward, but glanced once in my direction at the same time I was watching him and our eyes locked.

The world halted for a fraction of a second, and then he blinked and looked away. I had to hold onto the table, because it felt as if he’d dragged me forward in that moment.

“Lot?” Will said.

“Yeah.” My eyes followed as he walked toward the door.

“You’re staring at him.”

“I know,” I said, still watching.

“Hey!” Will snapped his fingers in front of my face and I stopped watching
his
back as he left.

“Are you sure you couldn’t, maybe, talk to him?” Will said, flinching back as if I was going to hit him for saying it.

“Stop flinching, I’m not going to hit you, idiot.”

An uncomfortable silence fell over the table, and I finished my salad just for something to do.

“I’m not saying you should see him, or anything. Just talk to him. I know you miss him,” Will said.

“I don’t miss him,” I lied.

Everyone sort of shared a look. They all knew.

“So do you want to come and get ready with us on Friday night?” Katie said to Audrey.

“Yeah, that would be great.”

Zan

I’d hoped by hunching my shoulders and sitting in the corner, she wouldn’t see me. I ate fast and kept my eyes away from her, but it was no use.

Our eyes met and for that moment I wanted to say fuck it, walk over, pick her up and carry her to my room, shut the door and kiss her and talk to her and get her naked and let things happen.

My hands shook as I left. It was time for another run.

I’d run every day and at least once during the night in the past few weeks. The one night of sleep I’d gotten when she was with me was only a memory. I was even leaner than I’d been when I came to school. I’d been eating less too, so I’d lost a bit of weight. Zack was on me about it, but I ignored him. I didn’t really care all that much.

Miss Carole was worried about me. She even threatened to come down and yell at me if I didn’t get my act together. I told her my grades were good, and I was going to all my classes, but she could tell I wasn’t doing well in any other area of my life.

I had enough cash stored up from summers of mowing lawns and odd jobs to get me through school, but I was considering a job, just to fill up some more of my time.

When I got back from yet another run in the dark, I went right to the shower. Bruises covered my body from my falls, and I had yet to get all the splinters out of my hands. It’s kind of hard to remove your own hand splinters.

I was just putting on Pink Floyd when there was a knock at the door. Figuring it was Zack, I opened it without looking through the peephole.

“Hi.” Charlotte stood in the hallway, twisting her hands together and making sure her eyes were on anything but my face.

“Hey.” It was the best I could come up with as a response. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m not exactly sure. I just… I wanted to apologize for freaking out and giving you the silent treatment, um, up until now. I realize that ignoring you is kind of a stupid thing to do, because you’re here and I can’t really transfer schools for something this stupid. So. Here I am, saying that I’m not going to ignore you anymore. I don’t think I can go back to what happened before, with, the kissing and all that, but I think we could try maybe being friends. Or something. What do you think?” She’d blinked those sexy blue eyes about a million times during her little speech. I could tell she’d rehearsed it on the way down the stairs.

“I think that I miss you, too,” I said.

I smiled.

“I didn’t say I missed you.” Her eyes traveled up to meet mine. Finally.

“Do you want to come in? Friends can go into friends’ rooms and listen to music, can’t they?”

Her smile appeared. “I guess so.”

“I can leave the door open to give you an escape route, if you want.”

She rolled her eyes and came in, pulling the door shut with a click.

“Pink Floyd?” she said after listening for a moment.

“Why not?”

She nodded in agreement.

“Do you want to sit?”

“I’m good.” She paced the room like a tiger in a cage. I should have left the door open.

“Would you like some tea?”

“What?”

I went to my closet and pulled a box of green tea off my shelf. I even had a bottle of honey and some creamer. Miss Carole always made me tea when we had meetings, and I’d come to associate the stuff with soothing and calming.

“Sure. Thanks.”

I made both of us some tea as she paced the room some more.

“Do you listen to anything modern?” she asked, looking at some of my new photos.

“Sometimes,” I said as the microwave dinged. “Cream and honey?”

“Yes, both.”

I handed her a mug and she blew on it before taking a sip. She couldn’t really pace with a mug of hot liquid, so I pulled out my desk chair for her and sat on my bed.

“This is good, thank you.” She seemed surprised. “Most guys think tea is lame or gay or something.”

I smiled. “I think most males in Britain would have a problem with that.”

“True.”

We both sipped as I waited for her to say something. I knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with the silence for long. Her eyes perused my wall, which had changed since she was here the last time.

“Did you take those?” She nodded at some of the recent pictures I’d taken of the horses at the farm.

“I had to find a way to keep you out of my head.” I wanted to pull the words back, but they were already out. “I’m sorry. That came out sounding a lot creepier than I intended.” She laughed nervously and I finished my tea.

“What else do you do? For hobbies.”

“Terrorize pretty girls like you.” She snapped around to see if I was serious. A beat of silence passed. “I run.”

“I never pegged you for the running type.”

“That was what I was doing, when I nearly took you out that time. Is your ankle okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” She finished her tea, and that looked like it was going to be the end of it.

“So what do you do for hobbies?”

One corner of her mouth lifted in a half-smile. “Annoy handsome guys like you.”

It was my turn to be shocked. She giggled at my expression and handed the mug back to me.

“Maybe we could do something sometime. I know that sounds vague.”

“You’d go somewhere with me?”

She moved toward the door. “As long as I can drive.”

“I don’t drive anyway. I never got my license.”

Stopping, she turned. “You didn’t?”

“I couldn’t really get behind the wheel after all that, and Zack is always around to give me a ride.”

“Huh.”

“Does that surprise you?”

“Not now that I think about it, actually it does.” She sat on the floor and crossed her legs. Maybe she wasn’t going anywhere.

“Sorry I brought up the driving,” she said.

“It’s okay. It’s not like I can avoid it.”

“True.” She drew a circle on the rug with her finger. “I don’t hate you, by the way. I used to, but I don’t think I can. Not now that I know you.”

I wanted to kiss her right then, but I made myself stay still.

“I tried, and I couldn’t. Then I tried blaming myself for letting it happen, and that sucked. I thought Will was going to have to beat some sense into me.”

I wanted to do the same. How dare she take on any of the blame?

“I should have done more, that night. So she didn’t get in the truck. If I could have convinced her, it wouldn’t have happened, and I’d still have her the way she was.”

“You’re smarter than that, Charlotte. Falling into that trap is too easy for someone like you.”

She traced some more circles, turning them into loops, like the infinity symbol.

“It was easier to blame myself than to say that it was an accident that I had no control over. Losing control is one of the scariest things. That’s why people are afraid of the dark. Or death. They’re afraid of not being in control.”

She looked up from the rug to see what I thought. This was one of those times when I couldn’t find the right words.

“You’re right.” Simple, but true. She looked back down, and I realized I should have said more. The silence lengthened and then it was too late.

“Sorry to be such a downer,” she said.

“It doesn’t bother me. I’m sorry I’m not better at conversation.”

“I talk enough for two people.”

“Maybe I could borrow some of your words, and then we’d be even.”

She laughed softly.

“Deal.”

All the things I wanted to say to her, to have her know, clamored around my brain, begging for me to let them out.

“I should probably go. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming down here. Katie probably thinks I drowned in the bathroom sink.” She started to get up.

“Wait.” Her eyes locked with mine. “There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but I’m afraid if I say them that you’ll go away again, and I don’t want that.”

“I say things I should be afraid to say all the time. You didn’t seem afraid that night by the football field.”

“That was before I knew what it was like to lose you.”

“In all fairness, you never really had me.” Her words should have hurt, but they were true, and I knew it. “Just spit it out Zan. If I haven’t left already, given what’s happened, I’m pretty sure I won’t.” Even she seemed shocked by the last part. “That’s not because I like you, or anything. It’s just—shit.”

Her face went a brilliant shade of red and she looked so flustered I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You are
not
laughing at me.”

I pressed my lips together and tried not to, but I couldn’t help it.

“Stop laughing,” she said, starting to laugh herself. She leaned down and smacked me in the shoulder. “Jerk.”

I grabbed her arm and pulled her down next to me. She made a little sound of surprise, but didn’t stop me.

“This is what I want to tell you.”

I clasped her face between my hands and let myself sink into the depths of her eyes. She was frozen, probably with shock, but at least she wasn’t struggling. I would have let her go if she did.

“‘
I want to see you
.

Know your voice
.

Recognize you when you

first come 'round the corner
.

Sense your scent when I come

into a room you've just left
.

Know the lift of your heel,

the glide of your foot
.

Become familiar with the way

you purse your lips

then let them part,

just the slightest bit,

when I lean in to your space

and kiss you
.

I want to know the joy

of how you whisper

‘more’’
”

The words, memorized this summer came to my lips. They were better than any I could come up with.

She reached her hand up and stroked my hand on her face, and looked away from my eyes.

“I guess I asked for it,” she said, closing her eyes. “Why can’t you be someone else?”

“I’ve asked myself the same thing every single day.” I moved my hands, tracing her face, her nose, her ears. She had such sweet ears.

“Why can’t you be someone else?” She opened her eyes and gripped my arms, but she didn’t try to pull them away from her face.

Biting her bottom lip, I watched her struggle. I knew I wasn’t the only conflicted one.

“I swear to God, if I kiss you, and something bad happens, that’s it. And not something like a papercut or getting my period early. Something like falling down the stairs, or getting robbed. Anything happening to Lexie. Got it?”

“If the sky starts to fall, I’ll catch it for you, pretty girl.” I moved my face an inch closer, so I could feel her every exhale on my skin.

“Why do you have to say things like that and make this so hard? If you were just an asshole like your brother, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“I could be an asshole if you want me to.” I moved again, and we were so close that her face blurred in my vision.

“That would make things a lot easier.”

Neither of us could fight the last millimeter of space that separated our lips.

It was even better than the first time, if that was possible. This time she knew it was coming, and wanted it. Probably not as much as I did, but still. It took two people to make a kiss happen. I started to move my head, and she went in the same direction and our noses crashed, causing both of us to pull apart and try again.