Delete This at Your Peril (14 page)

26
. This article is nowhere to be found in the records of the
Evening Telegraph
for the date given or, indeed, any date in the paper's history. I am very confident in declaring that it was Bob, and not Chappy Williams, who was the author of this piece of fiction.

From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Olga

Hello,

Firstly I want to thank you for reading my email! I want to say I look for someone who is looking for love! My name is olga goldovsky. I am 28, a person who loves to joke, attractive, suave and caring. I can be brave and fearless. I live in a wonderful part of our Earth named Chelyabinsk, in ural Mountains. My parents died when I was 10 in car crash and my grandma brought me up. What else… My favourite color is white, color of innocence. My favourite flowers are white lilies and I wish that on my wedding day. In the end I want to say I sincerely want to know you better and hope you want the same.

Best wishes, Olga.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Howdy

Olga,

What a welcome surprise. Tell me - are you athletic? Do you have any statistics (just basic stuff - 100m, hurdles, javelin) that you could offer in evidence? This is very important,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Olga

How are you dear Bob?

I am fine and very glad you answered. It is a real pleasure to receive your letter. I get the feeling we will hit off. This is the first attempt by me to use this medium to find a soul mate, and it is certainly the last because I find a “gold mine” whose other name is yours (smile). I will have no other man in my life except you. I want to know your mysteries and desires. I'm sincere with you and I'd like to devote my life to you, to give you my soul and body.

With kisses,

Olga

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Wotcha

Olga,

You are a wonderful woman, with a great smile and a winning personality but we have a problem. In the previous email I asked you a question you did not answer. If you want to be my wife then it is vital that you listen to me otherwise the whole house of cards will collapse directly into our eyeballs.

Bob

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Olga

My dear Bob,

Dear telling the truth I didn't understand exactly your question but if it is about sport I want to say that I am not fond of sport. But you have made my day a lot better after knowing that you are attracted to me and that you would like to get to know me. I dream often about having my own house but it is very expensive to do so. In the end of my letter it is true to say that I am looking for full commitment, friendship and romance from you.

With tender thoughts,

Olga

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Your homeowning dream

Olga,

Sorry to hear about your problems getting on the property ladder. I took the liberty of investigating this for you and have found this article.
www.regnum.ru/english/1059675.html

As you will see, Vladimir Dyatlov (the deputy governor in charge for economy, construction and infrastructure of Chelyabinsk Region, as if I need to tell you) is making some very positive noises about local housing costs.
²⁷

I think if you sit tight, things will definitely loosen up as part of the credit crunch. Prices are fairly tumbling here. Nervous Norrie reckons his caravan is losing twenty pounds a week.

Bob

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Olga

Hello darling Bob!

Thank you once again for writing back to me, I so enjoy receiving your letters. The economy has not let me buy a house even with these troubles but let us not talk too much about houses because I am so happy that our attraction to one another is mutual. My feelings for you seem to be growing more and more with each passing day! I look forward to what the future will bring! You are the man I have been searching for my whole life. I am so excited about building a life together with you,

Olga.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Don't give up that easily.

Olga,

I'll be honest, I'm surprised at just how forcefully you are throwing yourself into this relationship but you're such a cracking piece of skirt that you won't be getting any arguments from old Bobby Boy. I think you are giving up a little easily on the housing issue. Perhaps you should alert the local paper. It looks like the biggest paper in Chelyabinsk is Vyecherny Chelyabinsk. I strongly suggest you contact them and volunteer to write a dramatic first person account of your problems –

“My housing heartache by Olga Goldovsky”.

Or the more lighthearted –

“Knock Knock. Who's there? Olga Goldovsky and I'd Like to Buy a House But I Can't”.

Please send me a link to the article when it's published. I'll see if the
Broughty Ferry Gazette
will carry a Scottish version. Christ only knows who'll translate it. There's a few Polish boys putting a new roof on the chemists in Queen Street, I could ask them?

Bob

PS Nice couch.

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Dear Sir,

We inform you that Olga is our client. She uses our Internet and translation services but unfortunately she cannot reply to your last letter due to lack of funds. She wants you know that she is very interested in you and further correspondence. If you wish to continue your intercourse with Olga we can send you the information about our services and prices in order to proceed.

Respectfully,

Principal of “Lotos”

Sasha Malikov

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Hi Sasha

Sasha,

Thanks for getting in touch and pass on my best wishes to Olga. I must say, it's very decent of her to let you use her email address. Sasha, I would like you to help me. Man to man. Olga is top drawer but is she as good as she seems? She says she loves me, which is obviously fantastic news, but I just worry that she's getting too carried away. Please can you help me with these questions –

1.) Olga seems to be both obsessed and also clearly frightened by houses. Did a house once do something bad to her? Maybe she was electrocuted by a door bell or got her hand trapped in a letter box?

2.) Is Olga as beautiful as she looks in the photos?

3.) Is she honest?

4.) How large are her hands? (It is hard to see in the photos)

Many thanks,

Bob Servant

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Dear Sir,

Thanks. I can see Olga's sincere interest in you and her willingness to communicate with you. Olga tells me she does not care for houses this was misunderstanding on your part. Olga is indeed very beautiful as you will have seen and she is really an honest girl and truly wants to find her second half. As for your other question Olga has hands as beautiful as herself. So if you are interested in her let us know.

Respectfully,

“Lotos”.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Do I look cool in the pool?

Sasha,

You have really put my mind at rest, especially with regards to her hands. This is extremely important because my ex-wife had hands like shovels and it drove me round the fucking bend. They'd flap about like no-one's business and were always getting trapped in things and becoming all red and cut up. If she ruffled my hair it was like I was being attacked by a monster and when she got to grips with the old boy it was like being pleasured by a fairground worker.

I am now 98% sure that Olga is honest and just trying to make her way through the jungle. As, of course, am I. I have attached a photo. It shows me lounging in my swimming pool in Broughty Ferry. What do you think? If I look ugly then DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES show it to Olga. If I look spunky then pass it on. By Christ I hope she likes it. Tell her that they're only my third best pair of trunks. And say that my belly is sticking out because of the way I'm lying. And tell her that I've been doing a lot of weightlifting since then.

Yours,

Bob

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Dear Sir,

I can see you are honest and truthful and sincerely interested in Olga. As for your photos, my opinion is you look very attractive. I think that Olga would be glad. She is impatiently waiting for your communication. The services we provide are

one month of unlimited correspondence - 200 USD;

two months of unlimited correspondence - 350 USD;

three months of unlimited correspondence - 500 uSD.

We also provide unlimited translation, printing photos for your lady and scanning your lady's photos. You make payment via Western union. When your account is filled you can write to your lady and get responses.

Respectfully,

Principal of “Lotos”,

Sasha Malikov.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Great News

Sasha,

I'm getting excited. Olga is an absolute gem, isn't she? A real Russian Revelation. A Moscow Majesty. Putin's Peach! Thanks for talking me through your packages. I would love to keep my communication with Olga ticking over. I hope we can talk more and maybe even discuss her coming to live with me in Scotland. But please do not tell her that bit yet, I want to surprise her. There is one more thing however, that I have to ask you. I need to show you something but I need you to promise not to show Olga.

Do you promise?

Bob

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From: Olga