Deliver Us (14 page)

“We’re taking a break,” Ben tells Gabriel. “Cut the feed.”

Gabriel doesn’t hesitate; he just turns and pushes a few buttons. The light on the camera goes dark.

“I didn’t say the safeword, Master,” Kyle frowns stubbornly. “I didn’t want....”

“Shut up,” Ben says sharply. “We’re taking a break.”

“I’m sorry, sir. Yes, sir.”

Gabriel removes the toy with a low groan from Kyle, and Ben helps Kyle sit up a little and drink from a glass of water.

Watching the concerned expression on his friend’s face, the way that Ben touches Kyle, soothes him, and wipes away the moisture on his face, Gabriel smiles to himself and starts to pack away the equipment, even before Ben tells him that they’re stopping for the day.

When he makes a trip back into the supply closet, he catches a glimpse of Kyle standing next to Ben, and the loving kiss that they share before Ben goes with Kyle to the showers.

Approximately an hour later, Gabriel is getting in his vehicle, ready to drive to Darrek’s to pick him up for their date. He feels strange going from a session with Darrek’s friend to a date with Darrek when Darrek has no idea what he’s been doing. As far as Gabriel knows, Darrek has not been informed about Kyle’s involvement in Diadem. Aware that it’s not his place to reveal Kyle’s secrets though, Gabriel makes a mental note instead to encourage Darrek to talk to the other man and find out the truth on his own.

He glows with happiness at the thought of seeing Darrek, and the promise of getting to know him better. Gabriel has been enraptured with him almost from first sight. Not even sure exactly what it is, Gabriel wonders if perhaps it’s his utter confidence and his faithful willingness to abide and trust. There’s a purity to Darrek that fascinates him. There are no hidden motives, no expectations. The way that Darrek seems to need whatever Gabriel gives him, and then the sweetness he embodies outside of their sessions, how he can make Gabriel smile and cause his world-weary heart to swell with affection has made Gabriel unable to get Darrek out of his head from morning to night.

That old familiar fear of his has been missing so far in his encounters with Darrek. However, when Gabriel had been on Darrek’s lap, showing him how it could be, showing
himself
how it could be, and Darrek tried to kiss him, the alarms had still gone off in Gabriel’s head. After a decade and a half, it’s something he can’t help anymore, the need for distance. Giving himself to Darrek like that, even if it wasn’t real, and it was just Gabriel moving against him, like a dance, and allowing Darrek to touch him while he did it, there was no way he could also let Darrek kiss him. That would be letting him in all the way, taking down all the walls. Gabriel is not ready for that.

He knows he needs to explain, that Darrek deserves to know about him, deserves honesty. It’s not fair to demand so much and not give back.

But no matter how much Gabriel wants, how much he desires and hopes, when he gets to the intersection of Thistle Way and Route 78, with Darrek’s house lying in one direction and his and Trace’s house in the other, Gabriel freezes, unable to move. He sits there for possibly as long as ten minutes on the little-used road, engine idling, his foot a lead weight, keeping the brake pedal pressed down to the floor, his hands at ten and two, until a car comes up behind him.

Even then, he can’t go, so he pulls off of the road, onto the shoulder and cuts the engine, taking his hands off the wheel.

He’s going to be late. Darrek is going to wonder where he is, and Gabriel’s phone lies right there on the passenger seat.

He can’t touch it.

He wishes he smoked so that he could have a cigarette, wishes he had something strong to drink to give him courage. The void in his heart fills with anger, anger at his past, at how he still lets it all get to him and affect his life. He yells roughly, his low-pitched voice reverberating and filling the SUV.

When Ben rolls by, on his way home after making sure Kyle has gotten on his way with no trouble, he pulls off right beside Gabriel and walks over to his window.

“What the hell? You been sitting here the whole time?” Ben asks.

“I’m an asshole,” Gabriel sighs. “I practically begged him to give me a chance, to let me show him that I trust him, and I can’t even drive to his damn house.”

“Look, I’m not going to start telling you how to live your life, but this shit’s been keeping you from being happy for a long fucking time, man. You really want to go home to Trace right now when you could be going to see Darrek and get yourself a piece of that ass?”

“No,” he admits sullenly.

“Then go see Darrek. He seems like a decent guy. You gotta trust someone, you know.”

Gabriel scowls and smacks the dashboard, venting some of his frustration.

“I’m so fucking mad!” He yells, clutching the wheel in a death-grip, “I just... I wanna
kill
him. I want to drive down there right now and find the bastard and kill him for doing this to me, for making me so goddamned fucked-up.
He
did this! And I just wanna... I just wanna
kill him
!”

“Hey, I offered,” Ben says evenly. He’s heard all this before from Gabriel, many times. “I know a guy who knows a guy that can take care of it for you. One phone call. That’s all it would take.”

“No. My problem,” Gabriel says resignedly. “But thank you anyway.”

“Give me your phone,” Ben says, reaching through the window.

Gabriel doesn’t react or respond, but keeps staring straight ahead at the road he can’t bring himself to go down.

“Give me your phone, asshole! Give it!” Ben barks at him harshly.

“Fine,” Gabriel huffs, rolling his eyes and handing it over.

Ben presses a few buttons then places the phone to his ear.

“This Darrek?” he says when the other end is picked up. “This is Gabriel’s friend, Ben. He’s on his way. There was an emergency at work that he had to help me with, but he’ll be there soon. No worries, man. Later.”

He hangs up and hands it back to Gabriel.

“Fuck you.”

“You’re welcome,” Ben grins. “Go on. Stop being so dramatic and emotional like a damn girl having her period. Go, Hunter, go! Your boyfriend is waiting for you! He wants you to fuck him! Go! Hurry!”

“...not my boyfriend...” Gabriel grumbles with a slow blush.

“Oh yes he is, he’s your
boyfriend
,” Ben laughs. “Stop being an idiot. Go. Or I’ll drive you there myself and shove your shiny, perfect ass out of the car and onto the dirt when we get there. Ooh! Think of all the stories I could tell our Darrek about you! Maybe I
should
drive. Get out of the car.”

“Kiss my ass, Knox,” Gabriel grins, putting the key back in the ignition and shifting into drive.

“With pleasure,” he replies, then waves cheerfully from the roadside as Gabriel drives away, flipping him off through the opened window.

Darrek opens the door after hearing the doorbell to find Gabriel standing on the stoop. For a fleeting, strange moment he looks almost like he’s lost and doesn’t quite know where he is or how he got there. But then it passes; Gabriel is just Gabriel, leaving Darrek to assume he’s imagining things.

“Gabriel?” Darrek squints with a smirk.

“I’m a douchebag,” Gabriel tells him seriously, a small wrinkle of concern forming between his eyebrows as he says it.

Darrek laughs. It’s surprised out of him, but when Gabriel remains grimly apologetic Darrek can’t seem to stop.

“What?” Gabriel asks, frowning even more.

“Nothing...” he says, recovering slightly. “Sorry. Just something Kyle said to me.... It’s a long story. Why are you a douchebag?”

“I’m so late....”

“For a very important date?” Darrek giggles.

Gabriel rolls his eyes and waits out the fit patiently. He walks past Darrek and sits on the couch. When Darrek gets himself slightly under control, he looks over at Gabriel who happens to be checking his wristwatch and starts laughing again.

“What’s so damn funny?!” Gabriel asks, mildly offended.

“I keep picturing you with big white ears and a fuzzy bunny tail. And maybe a little vest so you have somewhere to put your pocket watch,” Darrek cries, wiping tears from his cheeks.

“My pocket watch? Are you insane?” Gabriel asks with a quirked eyebrow.

“Have you never seen
Alice in Wonderland
?” Darrek gasps in shock.

“Have you noticed that I’m not a
girl
?” he retorts. “Everyone’s calling me a girl today.”

“Yes, I’ve noticed that you’re not a girl. It might have occurred to me, what with the lack of breasts and the fact that you’ve fucked me up the ass with your dick. Twice. And I’ll have you know that
boys
like
Alice in Wonderland
, too.”

“The gay ones, maybe,” Gabriel huffs.

“Hey!” Darrek frowns, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “I was gay after you were gay. You’re more gay than me.”

“Why are we talking about this?”

“Because you were late....”

“...for a very important date,” Gabriel finishes, watching Darrek’s giddiness with fascination.

“See! You admit it!” Darrek cries eagerly jabbing a finger in the air at him.

“Admit what?”

“That you are the white rabbit!” he exclaims.

“Have you been drinking?” Gabriel squints, looking him over more closely.

“No... there has been lots of candy though. I eat it compulsively whenever I’m bored. Or nervous. I’m kind of a little buzzed,” Darrek admits.

“Obviously.”

“So, Ben said there was an emergency at work. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Fine,” Gabriel tells him, rubbing a hand over the back of his head, the gesture betraying his discomfort and slight lie. “I am sorry, though. I had reservations for us at a restaurant downtown, but it was for, like, a half hour ago. They wouldn’t have kept the table this long, and I really wanted to take you somewhere nice.”

“Gabe, we don’t need to go somewhere fancy. I just wanted to spend time with you, get to talk to you a little. There’s a pub a few blocks away. It’s nothing special, just a neighborhood place. But we could walk there, and they have decent food. Good beer.”

“That sounds great, actually,” Gabriel smiles.

On the walk over, Gabriel asks about what Darrek did that day, so Darrek obliges and fills him in, explaining how his crew was framing out the bank’s structure, and how he has to get up early to walk the dog before getting over to the job site when it’s still near dawn. It allows him to get home around mid-afternoon though, giving him time to work on his other side-projects. He’s starting to build a set of Adirondack chairs and bought the lumber for them that afternoon.

Gabriel keeps itching to touch Darrek, to hold his hand or something. He fights the urge. It’s clear that Darrek is uncertain of what to do. With his hands shoved into his pockets, shoulders hunched, and talking a mile a minute, it’s pretty clear that he’s nervous as well. Being that it’s his first date with a guy, it’s really no surprise that he’s mildly discombobulated by it.

They stroll and talk, gazing up at the stars and at the lights twinkling on the porches and through the windows of houses in the rural neighborhood. The air is still, unmoving, but brisk. They welcome it though, as it cools them when their blood starts pumping from both the exercise and anticipation.

Gabriel watches Darrek’s face, the way his hair swings into his eyes, and the smile that lights his expression. He has missed that smile when they’ve been together in session. Darrek never smiles when he’s being dominated, and Gabriel realizes that that makes sense, but he craves that gleaming, perfect grin when he doesn’t have it.

He misses it.

He misses Darrek.

Wishing he could admit it, that he could just blurt it out in the middle of Darrek’s ramblings, and just say, ‘
I missed you, Darrek. I missed you so much, even though I just saw you yesterday, and now that I have you with me, I want the night not to end. But I also want to not see your face when I tell you more about me, the disappointment or disgust that might appear there, for completely valid reasons
.’