Delphi Complete Works of Jerome K. Jerome (Illustrated) (Series Four) (301 page)

It was all French to me, but cook was drinking in every word, and when she returned from taking them in their coffee she made no bones about it, but took up her place at the door with her ear to the keyhole.

It was Mr. Quincey who got them all quiet, and then he began to explain things. It seemed that if they could only find a certain gentleman and persuade him to come forward and acknowledge that he began a row, that then all would be well. Mr. Quincey would be fined forty shillings, and Mr. Parable’s name would never appear. Failing that, Mr. Parable, according to Mr. Quincey, could do his fourteen days himself.

“I’ve told you once,” says Mr. Parable, “and I tell you again, that I don’t know the man’s name, and can’t give it you.”

“We are not asking you to,” says Mr. Quincey. “You give us the name of your tango partner, and we’ll do the rest.”

I could see cook’s face; I had got a bit interested myself, and we were both close to the door. She hardly seemed to be breathing.

“I am sorry,” says Mr. Parable, speaking very deliberate-like, “but I am not going to have her name dragged into this business.”

“It wouldn’t be,” says Mr. Quincey. “All we want to get out of her is the name and address of the gentleman who was so anxious to see her home.”

“Who was he?” says Miss Bulstrode. “Her husband?”

“No,” says Mr. Parable; “he wasn’t.”

“Then who was he?” says Miss Bulstrode. “He must have been something to her — fiance?”

“I am going to do the fourteen days myself,” says Mr. Parable. “I shall come out all the fresher after a fortnight’s complete rest and change.”

Cook leaves the door with a smile on her face that made her look quite beautiful, and, taking some paper from the dresser drawer, began to write a letter.

They went on talking in the other room for another ten minutes, and then Mr. Parable lets them out himself, and goes a little way with them. When he came back we could hear him walking up and down the other room.

She had written and stamped the envelope; it was lying on the table.

“‘Joseph Onions, Esq.,’” I says, reading the address. “‘Auctioneer and House Agent, Broadway, Hammersmith.’ Is that the young man?”

“That is the young man,” she says, folding her letter and putting it in the envelope.

“And was he your fiance?” I asked.

“No,” she says. “But he will be if he does what I’m telling him to do.”

“And what about Mr. Parable?” I says.

“A little joke that will amuse him later on,” she says, slipping a cloak on her shoulders. “How once he nearly married his cook.”

“I shan’t be a minute,” she says. And, with the letter in her hand, she slips out.

Mrs. Meadows, we understand, has expressed indignation at our publication of this interview, she being under the impression that she was simply having a friendly gossip with a neighbour. Our representative, however, is sure he explained to Mrs. Meadows that his visit was official; and, in any case, our duty to the public must be held to exonerate us from all blame in the matter.

Mr. Joseph Onions, of the Broadway, Hammersmith, auctioneer and house agent, expressed himself to our representative as most surprised at the turn that events had subsequently taken. The letter that Mr. Onions received from Miss Comfort Price was explicit and definite. It was to the effect that if he would call upon a certain Mr. Quincey, of Harcourt Buildings, Temple, and acknowledge that it was he who began the row at the Earl’s Court Exhibition on the evening of the twenty-seventh, that then the engagement between himself and Miss Price, hitherto unacknowledged by the lady, might be regarded as a fact.

Mr. Onions, who describes himself as essentially a business man, decided before complying with Miss Price’s request to take a few preliminary steps. As the result of judiciously conducted inquiries, first at the Vine Street Police Station, and secondly at Twickenham, Mr. Onions arrived later in the day at Mr. Quincey’s chambers, with, to use his own expression, all the cards in his hand. It was Mr. Quincey who, professing himself unable to comply with Mr. Onion’s suggestion, arranged the interview with Miss Bulstrode. And it was Miss Bulstrode herself who, on condition that Mr. Onions added to the undertaking the further condition that he would marry Miss Price before the end of the month, offered to make it two hundred. It was in their joint interest — Mr. Onions regarding himself and Miss Price as now one — that Mr. Onions suggested her making it three, using such arguments as, under the circumstances, naturally occurred to him — as, for example, the damage caused to the lady’s reputation by the whole proceedings, culminating in a night spent by the lady, according to her own account, on Ham Common. That the price demanded was reasonable Mr. Onions considers as proved by Miss Bulstrode’s eventual acceptance of his terms. That, having got out of him all that he wanted, Mr. Quincey should have “considered it his duty” to communicate the entire details of the transaction to Miss Price, through the medium of Mr. Andrews, thinking it “as well she should know the character of the man she proposed to marry,” Mr. Onions considers a gross breach of etiquette as between gentlemen; and having regard to Miss Price’s after behaviour, Mr. Onions can only say that she is not the girl he took her for.

Mr. Aaron Andrews, on whom our representative called, was desirous at first of not being drawn into the matter; but on our representative explaining to him that our only desire was to contradict false rumours likely to be harmful to Mr. Parable’s reputation, Mr. Andrews saw the necessity of putting our representative in possession of the truth.

She came back on Tuesday afternoon, explained Mr. Andrews, and I had a talk with her.

“It is all right, Mr. Andrews,” she told me; “they’ve been in communication with my young man, and Miss Bulstrode has seen the magistrate privately. The case will be dismissed with a fine of forty shillings, and Mr. Quincey has arranged to keep it out of the papers.”

“Well, all’s well that ends well,” I answered; “but it might have been better, my girl, if you had mentioned that young man of yours a bit earlier.”

“I did not know it was of any importance,” she explained. “Mr. Parable told me nothing. If it hadn’t been for chance, I should never have known what was happening.”

I had always liked the young woman. Mr. Quincey had suggested my waiting till after Wednesday. But there seemed to me no particular object in delay.

“Are you fond of him?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she answered. “I am fonder than—” And then she stopped herself suddenly and flared scarlet. “Who are you talking about?” she demanded.

“This young man of yours,” I said. “Mr. — What’s his name — Onions?”

“Oh, that?” she answered. “Oh, yes; he’s all right.”

“And if he wasn’t?” I said, and she looked at me hard.

“I told him,” she said, “that if he would do what I asked him to do, I’d marry him. And he seems to have done it.”

“There are ways of doing everything,” I said; and, seeing it wasn’t going to break her heart, I told her just the plain facts. She listened without a word, and when I had finished she put her arms round my neck and kissed me. I am old enough to be her grandfather, but twenty years ago it might have upset me.

“I think I shall be able to save Miss Bulstrode that three hundred pounds,” she laughed, and ran upstairs and changed her things. When later I looked into the kitchen she was humming.

Mr. John came up by the car, and I could see he was in one of his moods.

“Pack me some things for a walking tour,” he said. “Don’t forget the knapsack. I am going to Scotland by the eight-thirty.”

“Will you be away long?” I asked him.

“It depends upon how long it takes me,” he answered. “When I come back I am going to be married.”

“Who is the lady?” I asked, though, of course, I knew.

“Miss Bulstrode,” he said.

“Well,” I said, “she—”

“That will do,” he said; “I have had all that from the three of them for the last two days. She is a Socialist, and a Suffragist, and all the rest of it, and my ideal helpmate. She is well off, and that will enable me to devote all my time to putting the world to rights without bothering about anything else. Our home will be the nursery of advanced ideas. We shall share together the joys and delights of the public platform. What more can any man want?”

“You will want your dinner early,” I said, “if you are going by the eight-thirty. I had better tell cook—”

He interrupted me again.

“You can tell cook to go to the devil,” he said.

I naturally stared at him.

“She is going to marry a beastly little rotter of a rent collector that she doesn’t care a damn for,” he went on.

I could not understand why he seemed so mad about it.

“I don’t see, in any case, what it’s got to do with you,” I said, “but, as a matter of fact, she isn’t.”

“Isn’t what?” he said, stopping short and turning on me.

“Isn’t going to marry him,” I answered.

“Why not?” he demanded.

“Better ask her,” I suggested.

I didn’t know at the time that it was a silly thing to say, and I am not sure that I should not have said it if I had. When he is in one of his moods I always seem to get into one of mine. I have looked after Mr. John ever since he was a baby, so that we do not either of us treat the other quite as perhaps we ought to.

“Tell cook I want her,” he said.

“She is just in the middle—” I began.

“I don’t care where she is,” he said. He seemed determined never to let me finish a sentence. “Send her up here.”

She was in the kitchen by herself.

“He wants to see you at once,” I said.

“Who does?” she asked.

“Mr. John,” I said.

“What’s he want to see me for?” she asked.

“How do I know?” I answered.

“But you do,” she said. She always had an obstinate twist in her, and, feeling it would save time, I told her what had happened.

“Well,” I said, “aren’t you going?”

She was standing stock still staring at the pastry she was making. She turned to me, and there was a curious smile about her lips.

“Do you know what you ought to be wearing?” she said. “Wings, and a little bow and arrow.”

She didn’t even think to wipe her hands, but went straight upstairs. It was about half an hour later when the bell rang. Mr. John was standing by the window.

“Is that bag ready?” he said.

“It will be,” I said.

I went out into the hall and returned with the clothes brush.

“What are you going to do?” he said.

“Perhaps you don’t know it,” I said, “but you are all over flour.”

“Cook’s going with me to Scotland,” he said.

I have looked after Mr. John ever since he was a boy. He was forty-two last birthday, but when I shook hands with him through the cab window I could have sworn he was twenty-five again.

THE LESSON.

The first time I met him, to my knowledge, was on an evil-smelling, one-funnelled steam boat that in those days plied between London Bridge and Antwerp. He was walking the deck arm-in-arm with a showily dressed but decidedly attractive young woman; both of them talking and laughing loudly. It struck me as odd, finding him a fellow-traveller by such a route. The passage occupied eighteen hours, and the first-class return fare was one pound twelve and six, including three meals each way; drinks, as the contract was careful to explain, being extra. I was earning thirty shillings a week at the time as clerk with a firm of agents in Fenchurch Street. Our business was the purchasing of articles on commission for customers in India, and I had learned to be a judge of values. The beaver lined coat he was wearing — for the evening, although it was late summer, was chilly — must have cost him a couple of hundred pounds, while his carelessly displayed jewellery he could easily have pawned for a thousand or more.

I could not help staring at him, and once, as they passed, he returned my look.

After dinner, as I was leaning with my back against the gunwale on the starboard side, he came out of the only private cabin that the vessel boasted, and taking up a position opposite to me, with his legs well apart and a big cigar between his thick lips, stood coolly regarding me, as if appraising me.

“Treating yourself to a little holiday on the Continent?” he inquired.

I had not been quite sure before he spoke, but his lisp, though slight, betrayed the Jew. His features were coarse, almost brutal; but the restless eyes were so brilliant, the whole face so suggestive of power and character, that, taking him as a whole, the feeling he inspired was admiration, tempered by fear. His tone was one of kindly contempt — the tone of a man accustomed to find most people his inferiors, and too used to the discovery to be conceited about it.

Behind it was a note of authority that it did not occur to me to dispute.

“Yes,” I answered, adding the information that I had never been abroad before, and had heard that Antwerp was an interesting town.

“How long have you got?” he asked.

“A fortnight,” I told him.

“Like to see a bit more than Antwerp, if you could afford it, wouldn’t you?” he suggested. “Fascinating little country Holland. Just long enough — a fortnight — to do the whole of it. I’m a Dutchman, a Dutch Jew.”

“You speak English just like an Englishman,” I told him. It was somehow in my mind to please him. I could hardly have explained why.

“And half a dozen other languages equally well,” he answered, laughing. “I left Amsterdam when I was eighteen as steerage passenger in an emigrant ship. I haven’t seen it since.”

He closed the cabin door behind him, and, crossing over, laid a strong hand on my shoulder.

“I will make a proposal to you,” he said. “My business is not of the kind that can be put out of mind, even for a few days, and there are reasons” — he glanced over his shoulder towards the cabin door, and gave vent to a short laugh—”why I did not want to bring any of my own staff with me. If you care for a short tour, all expenses paid at slap-up hotels and a ten-pound note in your pocket at the end, you can have it for two hours’ work a day.”