Delphi Complete Works of Jerome K. Jerome (Illustrated) (Series Four) (316 page)

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I told Vernon. He was SO pleased.

FANNY. VERNON was?

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He attaches so much importance to Bennet’s opinion.

FANNY. Um. I’m glad I appear to be giving satisfaction. [She has returned to her seat at the table.] I suppose when you go to town, you take the Bennets with you?

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [surprised at the question]. Of course, dear.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon didn’t wish to go this year. He thought you would prefer -

FANNY. I was merely thinking of when he did. Do you ever go abroad for the winter? So many people do, nowadays.

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We tried it once. But there was nothing for dear Vernon to do. You see, he’s so fond of hunting.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [to her sister]. And then there will be his Parliamentary duties that he will have to take up now.

Fanny rises, abruptly.

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You’re not ill, dear?

FANNY. No. Merely felt I wanted some air. You don’t mind, do you?
[She flings a casement open.]

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Not at all, dear. [To her sister] It
IS a bit close.

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. One could really do without fires.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. If it wasn’t for the evenings.

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And then, of course, the cold weather might come again. One can never feel safe until -

The door opens. Dr. Freemantle enters, announced by Bennet. The old ladies go to rise. He stops them.

DR. FREEMANTLE. Don’t get up. [He shakes hands with them.] How are
we this afternoon? [He shakes his head and clicks his tongue.]
Really, I think I shall have to bring an action for damages against
Lady Bantock. Ever since she -

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Hush! [She points to the window.] Fanny.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Here’s Doctor Freemantle.

Fanny comes from the window.

DR. FREEMANTLE [he meets her and takes her hand]. Was just saying, I really think I shall have to claim damages against you, Lady Bantock. You’ve practically deprived me of two of my best paying patients. Used to be sending for me every other day before you came. Now look at them! [The two ladies laugh.] She’s not as bad as we expected. [He pats her hand.] Do you remember my description of what I thought she was going to be like?

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She’s a dear girl.

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Bennet -

FANNY [she has crossed to table — is pouring out the Doctor’s tea].
Oh, mightn’t we have a holiday from Bennet?

DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. Seems to be having a holiday himself to- day.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. A holiday?

DR. FREEMANTLE. Didn’t you know? Oh, there’s an awfully swagger party on downstairs. They were all trooping in as I came.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I’d no idea he was giving a party. [To
Fanny] Did you, dear?

FANNY [she hands the Doctor his tea]. Yes. It’s a prayer meeting.
The whole family, I expect, has been summoned.

DR. FREEMANTLE. A prayer meeting! Didn’t look like it.

THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. But why should he be holding a prayer meeting?

FANNY. Oh, one of the family -

DR. FREEMANTLE. And why twelve girls in a van?

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. In a van?

DR. FREEMANTLE. One of Hutton’s from the Station Hotel — with a big poster pinned on the door: “Our Empire.”

Fanny has risen. She crosses and rings the bell.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. What’s the matter, dear?

FANNY. I’m not quite sure yet. [Her whole manner is changed. A look has come into her eyes that has not been there before. She speaks in quiet, determined tones. She rings again. Then returning to table, hands the cake-basket to the Doctor.] Won’t you take one, Doctor? They’re not as indigestible as they look. [Laughs.]

DR. FREEMANTLE [he also is bewildered at the changed atmosphere].
Thank you. I hope I -

FANNY [she turns to Ernest, who has entered. Her tone, for the first time, is that of a mistress speaking to her servants]. Have any visitors called for me this afternoon?

ERNEST. Vi-visitors — ?

FANNY. Some ladies.

ERNEST [he is in a slough of doubt and terror]. L — ladies?

FANNY. Yes. Please try to understand the English language. Has a party of ladies called here this afternoon?

ERNEST. There have been some ladies. They — we -

FANNY. Where are they?

ERNEST. They — I -

FANNY. Send Bennet up to me. Instantly, please.

Ernest, only too glad to be off, stumbles out.

THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. My dear -

FANNY. You’ll take some more tea, won’t you? Do you mind, Doctor, passing Miss Wetherell’s cup? And the other one. Thank you. And will you pass them the biscuits? You see, I am doing all I can on your behalf. [She is talking and laughing — a little hysterically — for the purpose of filling time.] Tea and hot cake — could anything be worse for them?

DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, tea, you know -

FANNY. I know. [Laughs.] You doctors are all alike. You all denounce it, but you all drink it. [She hands him the two cups.] That one is for Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful hair; and the other is for Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful eyes. [Laughs.] It’s the only way I can distinguish them.

Bennet enters.

Oh, Bennet!

BENNET. You sent for me?

FANNY. Yes. I understand some ladies have called.

BENNET. I think your ladyship must have been misinformed. I most certainly have seen none.

FANNY. I have to assume, Bennet, that either Dr. Freemantle or you are telling lies.

A silence.

BENNET. A party of over-dressed young women, claiming to be acquainted with your ladyship, have arrived in a van. I am giving them tea in the servants’ hall, and will see to it that they are sent back to the station in ample time to catch their train back to town.

FANNY. Please show them up. They will have their tea here.

BENNET [her very quietness is beginning to alarm him. It shakes him from his customary perfection of manners]. The Lady Bantocks do not as a rule receive circus girls in their boudoir.

FANNY [still with her alarming quietness]. Neither do they argue with their servants. Please show these ladies in.

BENNET. I warn you -

FANNY. You heard my orders. [Her tone has the right ring. The force of habit is too strong upon him. He yields — savagely — and goes out. She turns to the Doctor.] So sorry I had to drag you into it. I didn’t see how else I was going to floor him.

DR. FREEMANTLE. Splendid! [He grips her hand.]

FANNY [she goes to the old ladies who sit bewildered terrified.] They won’t be here for more than a few minutes — they can’t be. I want you to be nice to them — both of you. They are friends of mine. [She turns to the Doctor.] They’re the girls I used to act with. We went all over Europe — twelve of us — representing the British Empire. They are playing in London now.

DR. FREEMANTLE. To-night? [He looks at his watch.]

FANNY [she is busy at the tea-table]. Yes. They are on the stage at half past nine. You might look out their train for them. [She points to the Bradshaw on the desk.] I don’t suppose they’ve ever thought about how they’re going to get back. It’s Judy’s inspiration, this, the whole thing; I’d bet upon it. [With a laugh.] She always was as mad as a March hare.

DR. FREEMANTLE [busy with the Bradshaw]. They were nice-looking girls.

FANNY. Yes. I think we did the old man credit. [With a laugh.]
John Bull’s daughters, they called us in Paris.

Bennet appears in doorway.

BENNET [announces]. “Our Empire.”

Headed by “England,” the twelve girls, laughing, crowding, jostling one another, talking all together, swoop in.

ENGLAND [a lady with a decided Cockney accent]. Oh, my dear, talk about an afternoon! We ‘ave ‘ad a treat getting ‘ere.

Fanny kisses her.

SCOTLAND [they also kiss]. Your boss told us you’d gone out.

FANNY. It was a slight — misunderstanding. Bennet, take away these things, please. And let me have half a dozen bottles of champagne.

STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [a small girl at the back of the crowd — with a shrill voice]. Hooray!

BENNET [he is controlling himself with the supremest difficulty. Within he is a furnace]. I’m afraid I have mislaid the key of the cellar.

FANNY [she looks at him]. You will please find it — quickly. [Bennet, again from habit, yields. But his control almost fails him. He takes up the tray of unneeded tea-things from the table.] I shall want some more of all these [cakes, fruit, sandwiches, etc.]. And some people to wait. Tell Jane she must come and help.

Bennet goes out. During this passage of arms between mistress and man a momentary lull has taken place in the hubbub. As he goes out, it begins to grow again.

ENGLAND. ‘E does tease yer, don’t ‘e? Wanted us to ‘ave tea in the kitchen.

FANNY. Yes. These old family servants -

AFRICA [she prides herself on being “quite the lady”]. Don’t talk about ‘em, dear. We had just such another. [She turns to a girl near her.] Oh, they’ll run the whole show for you if you let ‘em.

ENGLAND. It was Judy’s idea, our giving you this little treat.
Don’t you blime me for it.

WALES [a small, sprightly girl with a childish, laughing voice]. Well, we were all together with nothing better to do. They’d called a rehearsal and then found they didn’t want us — silly fools. I told ’em you’d just be tickled to death.

FANNY [laughing — kisses her]. So I am. It was a brilliant idea.
[By this time she has kissed or shaken hands with the whole dozen.]
I can’t introduce you all singly; it would take too long. [She makes
a wholesale affair of it.] My aunts, the Misses Wetherell — Dr.
Freemantle.

The Misses Wetherell, suggesting two mice being introduced to a party of friendly kittens, standing, clinging to one another, murmur something inaudible.

DR. FREEMANTLE [who is with them to comfort them — he has got rid of the time-table, discreetly — smiles]. Delighted.

ENGLAND. Charmed. [The others join in, turning it into a chorus. To Fanny] Glad we didn’t strike one of your busy days. I say, you’re not as dressy as you used to be. ‘Ow are they doing you? — all right?

FANNY. Yes. Oh, yes.

CANADA [“Gerty,” a big, handsome girl, with a loud, commanding voice]. George gave me your message.

FANNY [puzzled at first]. My message? [Remembering — laughs.] Oh. That I was Lady Bantock of Bantock Hall. Yes. I thought you’d be pleased.

CANADA. Was delighted, dear.

FANNY. So glad.

CANADA. I’d always had the idea that you were going to make a mess of your marriage.

FANNY. What a funny idea! [But the laugh that accompanies it is not a merry one.]

CANADA. Wasn’t it? So glad I was wrong.

WALES. We’re all of us looking out for lords in disguise, now.
Can’t you give us a tip, dear, how to tell ‘em?

SCOTLAND. Sukey has broken it off with her boy. Found he was mixed up in trade.

STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [as before, unseen at back of crowd]. No. I didn’t. ’Twas his moral character.

Then enter Honoria with glasses on a tray; Ernest with champagne; Jane with eatables; Bennet with a napkin. It is a grim procession. The girls are scattered, laughing, talking: Africa to the Misses Wetherell; a couple to Dr. Freemantle. England, Scotland, Wales, and Canada are with Fanny. The hubbub, with the advent of the refreshments, increases. There is a general movement towards the refreshments.

FANNY. Thanks, Bennet. You can clear away a corner of the desk.

ENGLAND [aside to her]. Go easy with it, dear. [Fanny, smiling, nods. She directs operations in a low tone to the Bennets, who take her orders in grim silence and with lips tight shut.] Don’t forget, girls, that we’ve got to get back to-night. [Aside to the Doctor, who has come forward to help.] Some of ‘em, you know, ain’t used to it.

DR. FREEMANTLE [nods]. Glasses not TOO full. [He whispers to
Fanny.]

IRELAND [a decided young woman]. How much time have we got?

ENGLAND. Don’t ask me. It’s Judy’s show.

WALES [mimicking Newte]. The return train, ladies, leaves Oakham station. [Stops — she is facing the clock. She begins to laugh.]

ENGLAND. What’s the matter?

WALES [still laughing]. We’ve got just quarter of an hour to catch it.

There is a wild rush for the refreshments. Jane is swept off her feet. Bennet’s tray is upset.

ENGLAND. Quarter — ! Oh, my Gawd! Here, tuck up your skirts, girls.
We’ll have to -

DR. FREEMANTLE. It’s all right. You’ve got plenty of time, ladies. There’s a train from Norton on the branch line at 5.33. Gets you into London at a quarter to nine.