Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated) (1041 page)

bit in my time, and it strikes me that you have been

doing something fishy.

JANE A. Go away!

CADDIE. What’s more, I have the responsibility of this here

seminary on my shoulders, and I’ll find out what you’ve

been up to, and expose you, if you don’t —

JANE A. Don’t what?

CADDIE. If you don’t chuck us a kiss.

JANE A. There! (Slaps his face.)

CADDIE (puzzled). See here now, is that flirting, or ain’t it?

JANE A. It “ain’t.”

CADDIE. Then drop it — and give us a kiss.

JANE A. Sha’n’t!

CADDIE. This is the last time of asking. You’ll never have such

a chance again.

JANE A. There! (Slaps him.)

CADDIE. Summer flies! Now for revenge. (Exit.)

JANE A. It’s all very well to laugh, but he is quite capable of

doing what he threatens, and so I — I think I had

better give him a kiss. (Exit after CADDIE.)

Cries of “Fore!” and two golf balls land on the putting green.

The balls are followed by some of the GIRLS, who look self-

consciously at the STUDENTS. The STUDENTS look very sheepish.

1ST STUD. Speak to them, Christopherson.

2ND STUD. Say something nice, Tippy.

3RD STUD. I can’t think of anything nice to say.

2ND STUD. Well, then, let us look nice. (All simper.)

MILLY. Are you men?

STUDENTS. Eh, what? We are. Oh, yes, certainly, certainly.

MILLY. So are we.

1ST STUD. Eh?

MILLY. You see, Miss Sims, our mistress, has invented a new

game for us. Half of our number are to be men for to-

day, and to entertain the other half.

2ND STUD. But where’s the other half?

MILLY. Oh, that was the difficulty. You see, we all wanted to

be men, so there is no other half.

2ND STUD. You’re all men, then?

MILLY. Yes, and we don’t know what to do for girls.

3RD STUD. A gentlemen will do anything to oblige a lady, will not

he, friends?

ALL. Certainly.

3RD STUD. Then, let us be girls.

MILLY. Delightful, and we’ll be students.

The GIRLS put on the caps and gowns of the STUDENTS, and swagger

about in a manly way. The STUDENTS look shy and mincing.

MILLY
 
(to 1ST STUDENT). Ah, ah, ah! What are these things you

are carrying?

1ST STUD. (consciously). Ah, ah, ha! Kodaks.

MILLY. Ah — ah — no!

1ST STUD. Ah — ah — yes! (They giggle and MILLY runs to ROSE.)

MILLY. Rose, you can’t guess how I have been flirting with

that dark one.

1ST STUD. (to 2ND STUDENT). I say, old man, I have been going the

pace with little blue eyes.

ROSE.
 
I haven’t felt so wicked since I ate twelve penny tarts

at a sitting.

2ND STUD. (to 1ST STUDENT). He, he, he! my one asked me what time

it was. Oh, what a lark!

MILLY
 
(hysterically, swaggering). Glass of beer, waiter —

have a weed? How are you, old man? — Glass of beer —

have a weed? — how are you, old man? Have a weed —

glass of beer. Oh, Jenny, isn’t it splendid? Glass of

beer — have a weed? —

MAUD.
 
Control yourself, dear.

MILLY. I can’t! This cloak has gone to my head. Glass of beer —

PROCTOR rushes in accompanied by BULLDOGS. He cries “Name and

College!” The STUDENTS rush off, the GIRLS all turn their backs.

PROCTOR.
 
Now, I’ve got you. There’s no mistake this time, at any

rate. (Takes out note-book.) Name and college, sir?

GIRLS. Smith of Olds, Jones of New, Brown of New, etc.

PROCTOR (pompously). Now, Gentlemen of the Press, I have got

you. For weeks you have followed me with your

impertinent note-books and Kodaks. I shall gate the lot

of you!

They all rush off laughing, having taken off their caps, and

reveal themselves as girls.

PROCTOR.
 
There now! I knew they were girls all the time.

SIM. Of course, if you say so that is sufficient.

GREG.
 
Fudge!

PROCTOR.
 
Hum! Well, perhaps I did make a mistake this time.

SIM. No, no.

PROCTOR.
 
And that no one may say that there is one law for the

humble Undergraduate and another for the great Proctor,

I hereby fine myself one shilling.

SIM. There’s a sense of justice, Greg!

PROCTOR.
 
And I shall pay it after my usual fashion.

SIM and GREG.
 
Don’t!

PROCTOR.
 
Namely by proxy. Come, my men, a sixpence each.

They pay reluctantly.

GREG.
 
Da — da — da —

SIM. Greg, forbear.

GREG.
 
It seems to me that we do nine-tenths of the work and

you get nine-tenths of the pay.

SIM. Oh, this dashed independence!

PROCTOR.
 
Well, you can’t expect to get both the work and the

pay. They never go together, even in our Government

offices.

GREG.
 
Then they should.

SIM. Greg, Greg! you are flying in the face of the law of

England.

GREG.
 
I say it’s a da — da — da —

SIM. Greg!

PROCTOR.
 
This discussion is getting hot. Perhaps I had better

clear the air with a song, the little thing that you

two composed.

GREG.
 
But we composed it about ourselves.

PROCTOR.
 
It suits me better than you. But I am willing to pay

for it.

SIM. There’s generosity.

PROCTOR.
 
I will pay for it by prox —

SIM and GREG.
 
You can have it for nothing.

PROCTOR.
 
Thank you,

The music for song is started, PROCTOR hesitates, yawns.

PROCTOR.
 
No, it is too great a fag. You shall sing it for me

instead.

GREG.
 
At last!

SIM. Always considerate!

PROCTOR.
 
But remember, you are to sing it about me — not about

yourselves.

GREG.
 
Da —

SIM. Hush!

TRIO. — BULLDOGS and PROCTOR.

When I was a — when he was a little child

Only two or three,

All the household went quite wild

Out of love for — he.

Cooks and housemaids came to kiss,

Crowding for their duty,

And the reason for all of this,

Was our — my — his too — too — too —

His too fatal beauty.

When I was a — when he was a little man,

Only just of age,

Off to London then he ran,

And became the rage.

High and low they loved us so — him so,

And claimed him for their booty;

And the reason well I know,

Was our — was my — was his too — too — too —

His too — too fatal beauty.

DANCE.

PROCTOR takes the applause meant for BULLDOGS and exit.

SIM. You can say it now, Greg.

GREG. ——
 
——
 
— !

BULLDOGS exeunt arm in arm, R.

Enter OFFICERS and JACK.

MILITARY CHORUS. — JACK and OFFICERS.

OFFICERS. We are conscious that we slightly condescend,

JACK.
 
Right turn!

OFFICERS. But we couldn’t go and disoblige a friend,