Denial (37 page)

“No, I mean… because of…”

“Oh.” That’s right, she knows. “Actually, I’m the one that freaked out on her, which set her off into a bad panic while she was restrained and I didn’t get her out very smoothly. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. She went to someone else, and lasted about a week, but it still didn’t work out.”

“So what happened?”

“He didn’t want her anymore.”

“Oh.” She looks sad. “What about the other one?”

“Megan almost made it for a week. This was a little less than a year ago.”

“Was it the cutting?”

“No, she didn’t need much help there, that was kind of her thing. So I only did it once, and it was okay. But she… she was a brat. It’s a big part of the kink for her and that wouldn’t go away. A lot of guys like that, but not him.”
Because he only likes doormats and he tried to turn you into one
.

“So he left her too?”

“Yes.”

“So that’s it?”

“Probably. I mean, it’s possible that there have been some more overlaps, casually. But none that I’m aware of.”

“Do you do this a lot, casually?”

“I used to. But not really for the last year. I’m sick of it.”

“So you don’t want to do it anymore?”

“Not casually, no.” It’s heating up. She’s biting her lower lip and squirming. I move in closer, stroking her hair. It makes me moan a little. “Do you need some space? Away from me?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Maya, don’t take this the wrong way, but—”

“I don’t think we should, either.”

I exhale in relief. “Okay.”

“So what happens now?” she asks.

“I think we should get some sleep.” Good luck. She never wants to sleep.

“I mean in the morning.”

“Well, we will just have to see how you feel.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

Don’t get too excited. She doesn’t want you, not that way. “Maya, I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s complicated.”

“Would it be better for you if I left?”

“No!” I lurch forward. She can’t go. Not yet. So I kiss her, pouring everything I have into it. She kisses me back hard. Our tongues whirl around each other, and I love the way she tastes so fucking much it’s hard to pull away. But I force myself, because if I don’t I’ll never stop.

She’s trembling and she needs me to hold her. I have to be able to do that without going too far. And since she needs it, I can. I would give her anything. One day I’ll be able to give her everything, but that day is far away and I’m not sure she will still be there. I can’t think about any of that right now though, I can’t deal with it.

I cherish every single moment I’m privileged enough to feel her in my arms. They are so empty when she isn’t here. They missed her long before they ever held her. She snuggles against my chest, completing me. This cannot end.

She yawns. “Well, let’s go to sleep so we can wake up faster.”

“Are you actually initiating sleep, Maya?”

“You’ve motivated me.” God, she’s so fucking cute.

“I’m going to turn the AC up, and you wrap yourself up in the comforter so that I can hold you without, you know, feeling you too much.”

She giggles. I should tell her that’s almost as bad, but then she might stop. “Okay.”

I can’t get back in bed fast enough, and by the time I do, she’s wrapped up and starting to drift off. She must be so tired, and I realize so am I. I snuggle against her bundle. This works well enough, but I know that she’s inside, so it might take me a while to calm down. The sound of her breathing soothes me until I’m drifting too.

Don’t get yourself too fucking excited, asshole. This is going to crash and burn. You should just let her go now, before it gets any worse. There’s no way you’re going to get away with this. Not to mention, she’s a fucking train wreck right now, doped up by you, against her will, orgasm deprived for almost a week. And if you think she’s instantly over the guy she’s been in love with for a year and a half, you are
really
fucking kidding yourself. She’s going to look at this a lot differently in the morning. See things clearly. Yeah, sure she’ll fuck you, of course she’ll want to fuck you. But don’t you dare think it means the same thing for her that it does for you, you stupid, useless, piece of shit.

I squeeze her tightly through her cocoon
, fighting the urge to search through the covers for any little piece of her. I don’t care what happens. I’ll take her any way I can get her. Even if it kills me.

2
9

My eyes open to a blurry room. It’s still dark and when I look at the clock I realize that we’ve only been sleeping for a few hours. Maya’s whimpering. Shit. That
’s probably what woke me up. The haze I’m in clears up so fast when I figure out there’s something wrong with her. Well, this sure fucking backfired. Where the hell is she in all of these blankets? It’s taking forever to get to her, and she’s sounding more frantic.

“Maya,” I whisper, right before I peel off the final layer. “Maya, wake up.”

Her beautiful eyes fly open, disarming me like they always do, but it only lasts for a second because they’re filled with confusion. Taking rapid breaths, she’s looking at me and around the room like she doesn’t know where she is. Do I hold her? If she was having some sort of a horrible nightmare, it probably isn’t a good idea.

“You’re okay.” I try to sound reassuring.

“Isaac?” Her voice is so hoarse it must be painful.

“Hi.” I just can’t help it anymore, I have to touch her, but just my fingers on her face. Even that causes sparks to fly. “Everything is fine.” Who am I kidding?

Obviously not her, because her sleepy eyes fill with tears and her lower lip starts to tremble. She’s biting it, which could lead to her injuring the most beautiful mouth on the face of the Earth, so I scoot closer and gently pull it from between her teeth. Her eyes lock with mine, making my pulse race. Fuck.

She moves in and I have no choice but to hold her because she picked up her head and is waiting for my arm to support it. It feels too good to be this close. This could go wrong very fast, those pills have worn off and there’s nothing to temper my desire. I can’t believe I was able to get hard earlier.

Maya groans as she nuzzles into my neck and it only takes a few seconds until her lips are on my throat. Aw, fuck. It feels incredible. I wish I had a turtleneck on though, because I don’t think I’m going to make it. Her perfectly formed little fingers play in my hair, inspiring mine to do the same to her. She shudders and whimpers that insecure moan that rouses something in me I don’t understand.

“It’s okay. I’m right here.” I wonder if that’s a comforting thought. “Go back to sleep, baby.”

“Isaac…” Why does it feel like this every time she says my name? It seems like I should be getting used to it, but it’s more intense every time.

I hold her tighter, trying to keep her still because she’s starting to squirm. Unfortunately, all it did is remind her that she has another hand, which until this point had been lying dormant between us. Not anymore. In a flash, it’s searching around my waist for a way under my clothes. I wish that I was wearing a suit of armor.

If she gets through, I don’t have a chance, so I grab her wandering hand and hold it in mine. My eyes roll back into my head. That fucking backfired. Every time I hold Maya’s hand, my organs start rearranging themselves and don’t settle down until I let it go. I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place, but I’m not letting her get to the hard place.

Does she feel it too? Because her breathing got heavier and her mouth opened wider when her fingers interlocked with mine.
Ease up on the neck sucking, Maya. I’m not made of stone
. But I don’t really want her too, because whenever she’s turning me on and making my insides flop like this at the same time, the two combine exponentially and I never want it to stop.

Am I pulling her hair? Fuck! When did that start? I let go, realizing that my hold was keeping her confined to my neck, but now she can move up to my face. Which is exactly what she does and as soon as I see her eyes, I know I don’t have a chance.

Maybe if I just hold still, she’ll get tired and calm down. Her lips explore my face, but the kisses aren’t sweet pecks. Holy shit. It feels like I inhaled water through my nose, making my eyes leak and burn. There’s no reason for her to stop anymore, a fact that excites me so much I have to push it away, so after she kisses every part of my face, her lips meet mine. It’s a tsunami. Every time I experience this cascade, my life disappears and I’m floating. I wonder if this is how normal people feel when they kiss each other and if it is, how the hell does society function?

My body reanimates, taking its chance to override my brain because that always shuts off for a moment whenever our lips touch each other. My tongue can’t get deep enough inside of her mouth, my fist in her hair pulling her face so close to mine it’s hard to breathe. But I don’t need any air because I think I can survive on her. She tastes even more like herself because she’s been crying.

That jolted me out of it a little bit. My jaw starts to tremble and I hear those horrible sobs she was making ringing in my ears. It was so awful and it was only a few hours ago. She is beyond sleepy, totally out of it right now and I
can’t
let myself do this. I pull my lips away, but she makes this pitiful sound full of fear and abandonment, so I have to go back. When I get there, she kisses me so hard it feels like her tongue must have split in two and surrounded mine.

Both of her hands are in my hair now because I had to let them go so I can wipe her tears away. It doesn’t take her long to realize there is nothing standing in her way and one of them starts wandering lower, but I can’t do anything about it because every time I wipe one of these fucking tears away, two more show up behind it.

I hate it when she cries so much it’s surprising, a discovery I made the first time I saw it. It bothered me way more than it should have when she was in the car that first night, sniffling over him and whatever he did to her. But a few hours later, when she started to leave because she somehow came up with the idea that I didn’t think she was pretty, it ripped a heart that I didn’t know I had out of my chest. It gets worse every time. Tonight was so horrible I still fell shredded up behind my ribs.

I’m too busy wiping, licking, and kissing these tears away and don’t notice the path that her hand must have taken down my chest. I jerk when I feel soft fingertips on my skin. Fuck. She’s broken though. Before I can get my own hand down there, her fingers are tracing the outline of my Adonis belt. I always resented those muscles because they are such a pain in the ass to maintain, but her enthusiasm for them made years of strength training and food deprivation worth it in a single night. If only she had the same enthusiasm for me.

I would stop her, but she’s distracted now and isn’t crying, her hungry eyes staring into mine. This isn’t going to keep her busy for long. I kiss her, plunging my tongue into her and fisting her hair, trying to turn her attention to our mouths. I think the only person I’m distracting is myself. I’m lost in this kiss until I feel her fingers wrap around my dick. Oh, shit. I kiss her harder and she starts to stroke it faster. Fuck. It feels so good, even though her grip isn’t as strong as it usually is. But it’s her hand, and whenever I think about that, everything starts to quake inside of me.

“Maya, you don’t have to do that.” I grab her hand, but don’t pull it off.

Those beautiful eyes fill with confusion as her expression contorts in self-doubt. Fuck. That face always kills me. Between the guilt and the lust, I let her keep going. She smiles, biting her lip, her eyes growing mischievous. It’s so fucking cute. And so fucking bad. I don’t have to try to convince her to at least attempt to be good anymore. We can color outside of the lines all we want now. She is really going to run with it and I will follow her anywhere, especially there.

I don’t have the heart to stop her when she gives me a peck and sinks lower. The warmth of her mouth envelops me and I call out her name.
Holy shit
. But she’s got to be…
Aw, fuck
. That has to the hungriest mouth in the world right now. And my dick is probably the happiest. But I can’t let her…
Oh my fucking God, yes, maybe I can
. That is one very convincing tongue. I look down to see her bobbing back and forth. That hair. I groan loudly as I grip her mane, trying to be gentle and failing.

She stares up at me. It turns me on more, but what really gets me is the way it makes me feel like she actually cares. This internal reorganization process that’s already in overdrive really kicks into higher gear. I’ve had my cock sucked quite a bit, but this is…
Fuck
!

“Maya!”

She hums in appreciation, the corners of her mouth lifting. It’s so hot and slick and, well, it’s her and…
Oh, God
. That tongue, the suction, the rhythm, the depth it’s all fucking perfect but I should still probably…
Shit
. This is even better than that time in the kitchen.