Denial (43 page)

“I’ll take as little as I can, I promise. I just don’t want to deal with withdrawal right now.”

“Isaac, it’s alright. I won’t get mad.”

“It’s not just that. I don’t want to be this way. They make you feel less of everything. Which is great, normally. Essential even. But I want to feel everything while we’re together. I can’t get enough of it,” he whispers. I’m so touched I don’t even know what to say, so I kiss him again. “I didn’t know it was possible to feel this good. Every time I look at you, it’s like I’m falling and flying at the same time.”

“Me too.” Finally, I get a real smile out of him, inspiring one of my own which makes his even bigger.

“I’d kiss you, but it will suck because I’m too fucked up.”

“No, it wouldn’t.” I try to prove it to him, but he’s right. There’s something missing.

“It’s muted. And I won’t let it get like that again.”

“I know. It’s fine,” I assure him. “It’s just one night, and I’m too freaked out to have any more sex anyway.”

“Don’t be freaked out. It’s going to be fine. I have a lot more to work with now.”

“Are you up to explaining why you brought five cell phones out of your room?”

“Yeah.” He swallows reaches forward and grabs the most expensive looking one. “This is my real phone, my official, highly monitored phone. You can look at it if you want to. It’s only fair.”

“That’s okay. I’m not interested in seeing any pictures of you with your toys.”

“I don’t have any, Maya. It’s not like that.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not.”

“I haven’t fucked anyone other than someone I’m training for well over a year.”
It’s very hard to believe that, and I try hard to keep it from showing in my face. I think it worked. “But there are some fucked up pictures on here. It would be suspicious if there weren’t.”

“To your father?”

“Yes. And I make phone calls I wouldn’t normally make to people I don’t really want to talk to. Because that’s what he would expect.”

“That makes sense, I guess.”

“And if I need to talk to someone I don’t want him to know that I’m talking to, I use one of these burners.”

“Burners?”

“Yeah, I picked up the term from
The Wire
. Have you ever seen that one?”

“No.”

“You might like it.”

“If you do, I probably will.”

He smiles at me. “So these are just normal, cheap prepaid cell phones. I always have one on me. I’ve used one so far while I was here, and I destroyed the one I gave you to call your brother, but these other two are totally clean, and you can use one to call Piper in a few days.”

“I can?”

“Yes. Just not from this apartment.”

“Is it safe to leave?”

“Probably. It’s not like they suspected this would happen. I’ve left these things before when I wasn’t supposed to and never heard anything about it. I let a couple of subs do it too. But Wednesday is the perfect time because you’ll be out of the house anyway.”

“I will?”

“Yeah. You have that salon appointment.”

“Fuck,” I whisper, my lip trembling. “I guess I have to go if I want to stay, huh?”

“Yeah. If you want to stay,” he says timidly.

“I was going to cut my hair anyway and I think I have a pube or two.”

He laughs. “The scary Stepford wives makeover isn’t until next time. This one is more like a spa day, a reminder of how nice it will be to spend his money. And to remove all unapproved traces of your mammalian heritage, yes.”

“You don’t get to come with, do you?” I peep. He shakes his head no. “Well, I hope you’re not too lonely up here by yourself.”

“Actually, I have to do something that I can’t tell you about, and I won’t be back until around 4:00.” I guess I won’t ask. Against my wishes, my body tenses up in his arms. “I want to tell you. I will soon. I just need to help a friend with something, and I need them to help me.”

“It’s okay. It’ll be nice to chat with Piper.” My voice is a little flat, but he lets it slide.

“Ask her to bring you some real clothes. But don’t stay on the phone very long,” he yawns.

“Why? You said they weren’t listening to her.”

“This is risky enough as it is.”

“So what should I say?”

“Before your appointment, which you’ll walk to, stop halfway, make the call, then take the battery out of the burner and throw it in a trash can.” He rubs his eyes and yawns which makes me do the same.

“Let’s go to sleep, Isaac. That way tomorrow gets here faster.” Nodding, he moves in to pick me up. “You are exhausted and I have legs. You don’t have to carry me everywhere.”

“But I like it.”

“Me too, but I don’t want to forget how to walk.”

He laughs sleepily as he wraps a heavy arm around my shoulder. I don’t think he’s just crashing from the pills, he’s probably more exhausted from everything that’s happened. From doing the knight in shining armor thing taking care of me followed up by hours upon hours of sex god tricks. With a sigh, he flops into the bed, laying still for a moment before dragging himself to one side so that I can climb in beside him.

“Come here,” he mumbles, his arms engulfing me. “I love the way it feels when I hold you. I never want to let you go.”

“Me too.” He smiles at me, but his eyes are more than halfway closed. He’s so tired.

“Are you sure you aren’t mad at me?”

“I’m positive,” I whisper, kissing his face everywhere.

“I don’t want to fall asleep,” he groans, trying to force his eyes open. “I want to stay with you.”

“I’m getting tired too, Isaac, I’m right behind you.”

“You are so pretty when you’re asleep. I came into your room every night just to see it.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. Once you were really out and I climbed in next to you so I could touch you.”

“That’s so sweet. I wish I would have woken up.”

“Me too. But I would have fucked you, so it’s better
that you didn’t”

I laugh. “Did you touch me inappropriately?”

“No,” he says, with as much firmness as he can manage. “I just couldn’t sleep and needed to be next to you.”

My sto
mach flutters. He is so ridiculously adorable right now. “I’m sorry you had to wait so long.”

“It was completely worth it.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“You make me so happy. I’m never happy.”

“You make me really happy too, Isaac.” I kiss the top of his head as he buries it into my chest and pulls me closer.

“I want to. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”

“You’re doing a very good job.”

“I don’t want to fall asleep, Maya,” he whimpers.

“It’s okay, baby.”

“When you see her, please tell Piper that I’m not a monster. Even if it isn’t true. She’s so worried about you.”

“I will. You’re not a monster.” I hate it when he says that. It’s so obvious that he believes it.

“You’ll be here when I wake up, right?”

“Yes.”

“Promise?” He sounds just like a little kid. If this weren’t drug induced, I’d make a point to do it again.

“I promise.”

“Maya…”

“Goodnight, Isaac.”

He mumbles something with three syllables, but I don’t catch it and then he’s gone. I thought I was lying when I told him I was tired, but his presence in my arms is soothing me. Nuzzling into my neck, he murmurs something inaudible again and hugs my waist. Something shifts inside of me, making my lips tremble as a soft sob escapes my throat. Thankfully, it doesn’t wake him up and I cry a little harder, holding him tighter.

I don’t think two and a half weeks of this is going to be enough. I usually cut myself off before I get this attached, but I just couldn’t admit it myself this entire time and now I’ve fallen way too far, way too fast. What the hell was I thinking? I know I should walk away before this gets any farther out of hand and I’m left twice brokenhearted, but there’s no way I can. Losing this is even more terrifying than Luke, and the fact that it’s inevitable makes it even worse. I should have run away when I had the chance, but I don’t think there ever was one. I’ve been his since the moment I laid eyes on him.

He sleeps for a long time, nearly 12 hours. We barely speak for the next three days because our bodies won’t stop screaming for each other and sleep. Or maybe we just use that as an excuse because I think he doesn’t want to talk about our lack of a future any more than I do. I hope it bothers him too. When he’s inside of me, it feels like it’s never going to end, the only time I can’t hear that horrid ticking clock.

34

A low mumbling wakes me up. What time is it? Isaac isn’t in bed, so I creep out into the hallway. He’s in the living room, talking on the phone and even though I shouldn’t, I’m going to eavesdrop again.

“Is he still there?” If I move any closer, he’ll see me, so I freeze against the wall. “Glor, you need to get him out of the house. Subtly. No, I have to see you today, I can’t wait anymore.”

Glory. The same person he called the last time. “It has nothing to do with her. It doesn’t. She’s just a job, Glory, you know how it is.” Is he talking about me? “No, it wore off, just like you said it would. It has nothing to do with her, I swear. I need to see
you
.”

My breath catches in my throat. “So we’ll just meet at the hotel if you’re so worried about it. … No, that’s fine, I know how to sneak in. No one will see me. … Yeah, we’ll talk about it then. He won’t find out. Look, we’re only going to have like three hours, though, alright? So be ready for me.” He laughs his cocky laugh and I can see that tilted smile on his face in my head. “Okay, we will. … Yes, I am a little excited actually. … I know. I miss you too. I’m leaving in a little bit. Bye.”

So he needs to help a friend with something, huh? My head is spinning. Wow. I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t know what else I expected. I suppose his definition of a friend is probably a little different than everyone else’s. I shouldn’t be mad, and I definitely shouldn’t be getting upset right now, but I am. I’m an expert at not crying when I’m not supposed to, but none of my tricks ever work anymore. Hot tears roll down my face as I muffle a sob and run into the bedroom that has all of my clothes. It’s only a matter of time until he comes looking for me.

I don’t have any right to feel like this. He’s not my boyfriend. But that black hole in my belly is churning and I just want to curl up into a little ball and die. I’m looking at this room through a blurry layer of tears that just keep falling, trying to figure out which half empty drawer contains the only pair of jeans I have. I was wearing them the first night I met him. Oh my God, cut it out already! When are you going to grow up and drop the fairytale fantasy bullshit?

“Maya?” He’s in the next room. I try to answer him, but I choke. “Hey. When did you wake up?” In my blurry peripheral vision, I see him standing in the doorway, one arm leaning against the frame with his legs crossed casually. I don’t even have to see him completely to know he looks incredible, as always. “Maya? Are you okay? Why aren’t you answering me?”

“I—”
can’t answer you because I’m crying like a little kid for no good reason and I refuse to make an ass out of myself by telling you why
.

“Shit,
Rookie.” Isaac rushes over to me and scoops me into his arms. That familiar sensation of safety and comfort washes over me. Unable to hold back, I sob into his chest, surprised that I’m actually not angry with him at all. It isn’t his fault, this is just the way things are. But I am completely devastated.

“Maya, it’s going to be alright. They aren’t going to do anything to you, I swear.”
Like you just swore I meant nothing to you while you made arrangements to go see another woman
. But I do believe him, about being safe at the salon anyway. And it is a convenient excuse.

“If anyone tries to cut my hair off today, I’m going to kick them right in their freshly waxed nuts!” I sputter through tears, sounding like a petulant child.

Isaac bursts out laughing and after a few seconds I am too, unsure why that came out so fervently. He pulls away from me to look into my eyes, sending a shudder through my entire body. I should be used to how gorgeous he is by now, but I’m not. “Well, it’s a good thing for Francisco’s freshly waxed nuts that a haircut isn’t on the agenda.”

“Where am I going again?” I ask, shaking off the hurt and getting my shit together.

“I wrote it all down for you. It’s very easy to find. And the burner you can use to call Piper is on the kitchen table.”

“Okay.”

“I also left you some cash. Do not use any electronic form of payment. And you remember what I told you about the phone call.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”

He grabs my hands, pulling them to his lips and kissing every knuckle before his mouth attaches to mine forcefully. I gasp, allowing his eager tongue deeper access as his hand claims my hair. It’s so obvious that he wants me, and I want him back just as bad. A silly princess movie fantasy isn’t going to chase me away from carnal satisfaction of this intensity. This only comes around once in a lifetime.