Denial (46 page)

“Okay, I guess. There’s this internship I’m probably going to get. But I’m not sure I should take it because it’s unpaid. Great opportunity though.”

“You don’t really need the money yet, while you’re still in school?”

“If I want to be independent from my parents I do. I need to get a job right away, or start saving now.”

I want her to keep talking about herself so I can stop thinking about my shit. Plus, that’s what friends do. “How are things with Roy?”

She scoffs. “Just fucking great.”

“So, not really that fucking great then?”

“You’re a psychic.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t really want to tell you because I don’t feel like getting lectured right now.”

“Oh.” Which probably means one thing.

“Like I said, you’re a fucking psychic. He cheated on me. Spare me the facts of life speech, if you don’t mind.”

“Piper, I—”
completely understand it now
. Because Isaac is off fucking someone else at this very moment and there’s no way I’m going to be able to deal with it, fantastic sex or not. Tears fill my eyes as that pain in my belly simmers.

“Maya, are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I whisper, when clearly I’m not.

“See. You’re normal. Upset about a long term relationship ending.”

I’d tell her that’s not it, but then I’d have to explain. “I’m glad you broke up with Roy, Piper. Fuck him.”

“Wow. No men are from mars excuses? Not even one?”

“Nope. Fuck them. In fact, I think I’m done at this point.”

“Done?”

“Yeah, I’m fucking done,” I snap. “They aren’t worth the time.”

“I’d correct you, but I’ve been thinking the same thing lately. They really aren’t. Just a bunch of porn addicted stoners that are going to live with their mothers forever. You can’t even rely on them for a decent lay. And unlike you, guys pushing forty just don’t do it for me yet.”

“Luke is 34, Piper.”

“Whatever. He’s still more than a decade older than us.”

“The age difference was never the problem.” I finally force myself to finish that half of my sandwich, doing my best not to get annoyed at her pleased expression. “I can’t believe how fucking stupid I was. I wasted so much time.”

“
It’s a lot better than wasting your whole life with him, Maya.”

“Yeah. It is. Life goes on.”

“That’s the spirit. Let’s go get your panties.”

“I have to pay,” I insist, pulling out the wad of cash Isaac gave me. “No electronic transactions.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you know me. I never turn down a free lunch.” She wraps up the other half of my sandwich and tucks it into her giant purse. “I brought you your old chess set, too.”

“You did? Why?”

“I don’t really know. It just spoke to me when I was in your eerily immaculate bedroom. Maybe I thought it would remind you of who you used to be.”

“A big nerd?”

“Oh, you wish. They never recognized you as one of their own. Your fashion sense is far too well developed.”

“Thanks?”

“I’m serious. No wonder this sex dude is all over you. You’re fucking gorgeous.”

“Not like my sister. Or
Luke’s other girlfriends.”

“Fuck your fake ass sister. And don’t even get me started on
Luke’s other girlfriends.”

“Thanks for bringing everything, Piper. It really means a lot to me.”

“Yeah, well, have a non-self-inflicted orgasm or two for me, will ya?”

“Sure thing.” We giggle, moving in for a goodbye hug that I have a hard time ending. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Remember, I’m going to be on vacation with my parents until a day or two before you get back. I might not be there. But call me as soon as you can. I guess I’ll pick up any number now.”

“Did you get someone to feed
Ashlyn Jr.?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” I peep, struggling not to cry.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Maya?”

“I’m fine.” It doesn’t convince her. “Well, I’m good enough. And I still want to stay. At least for a few more days.”

“Alright. Have fun squirting. See you when you get back.”

3
6

Taking my sweet time walking back to the apartment just so I can savor the outdoors for a little longer, I don’t arrive until 4:15. Isaac isn’t here. He must be having a good time.

Maybe I should rethink this. We have only known each other for a little while. And even though we have a ridiculous amount of things in common, they’re all rather trivial. I don’t actually know very many important things about him, not that it’s stopped me from falling hard. Maybe I could back off a little. I’ve done the friends with benefits thing before, maybe I could do it again.

I’m fucking kidding myself. There’s no way that will be enough. All those petty, trivial things are exactly what I always wanted in my other relationships. The sex is mind blowing and would be even if I didn’t feel anything, but I do. It’s never been like this before. I can’t pretend it’s meaningless, especially when he flat out tells me it isn’t.

I’ve been spinning my wheels in this apartment for nearly an hour and he still isn’t here, which is driving me crazy but at the same time, I’m dreading the sound of his keys because there is a pretty good chance I’m going to lose it when I see him. Maybe I could give him this one pass. We aren’t technically exclusive and I was quite upfront about having no expectations of fidelity from anyone. My brain might be able to forgive him, but my heart feels like it’s ripping into pieces.

A wrecking ball of anger and hurt slams into me as I hear his keys opening the lock. Unwilling to look like I’ve been waiting as anxiously as I have been, I grab a clean dish from the dry rack and start rinsing it at the sink so my back is to him. As soon as I hear the door shut and know he’s in the room with me, my entire body gets hot and tingly. Hurt feelings be damned, I’m so excited to see him on a deep, primal level. It takes all of my willpower not to turn around to look at him.

“Hi,” he says softly.

“Hi.” I still don’t dare turn around even though I know it is inevitable.

“Are you cooking? I brought home some Chinese food.” His footsteps are getting closer. “I’m glad to see you still have your hair.”

“Me too.” Shit. Our line. That did it. My eyes start watering, my body tensing up as his hands land on my waist.

“Maya, are you alright?” Normally he would have pulled me closer by now, but he’s just standing behind me, barely making contact. “Why aren’t you looking at me?” He has a lot of nerve using the sad little kid voice. “I really missed you.”

“I—” have no valid excuse to be angry with him, so I guess I’ll just get it over with.

The sheer magnificence of him shocks me as I spin around and a smile spreads across my face that matches his. His lips graze my forehead as he holds me tighter, my arms taking on a mind of their own as they wrap around his shoulders. For one blissful moment, I forget everything and get lost in the comfort of this embrace. He’s kissing the top my head, his fingers playing in my hair, inspiring mine to do the same. That’s when it all comes crashing down.

His hair is damp. I breathe deeply against his chest, inhaling the scent of a decidedly floral note mingling with soap. At least he had the decency to wash her off before he came back to me. The black hole in my belly churns as I tense up against him. I can’t do this again.

“I think I should leave,” I whisper, the words burning my throat on their exit. With a hitched breath, Isaac’s arms clutch me against his chest. I hug him back. “I don’t really want to go, but I have to.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you go see her.” He twists out of my grip, taking three long strides across the room before he stops, looking upwards and covering his face with his hands. The last time I saw him do that was in the playroom. “So what the fuck happened?” he snarls, glaring at me.

This was not the reaction I expected. I suppose all the sweet gestures and flattery have gone to my head as I realize I actually thought there was a chance he’d start groveling. Instead he’s visibly angry, something I’ve only seen when it was directed towards other people that aren’t in the room. It’s a lot more intimidating now that it’s aiming at me. What’s even stranger is that I got just a little turned on.

“You’re going back to him, aren’t you?” His tone makes it sound like more of an assumption than a question and I stand there speechless. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you go see her.”

“What the hell do you mean you shouldn’t have
let
me?” The anger in my own voice surprises me almost as much as it does him.

“Precisely what I said, that’s why I chose the words.”

I exhale in frustration, my cheeks flushing. My first instinct is to tell him that he doesn’t
allow
me do anything, but he could have easily stopped me if he wanted to, considering he leant me the safe phone. I’m so fucking terrified of Luke that I’ve been exerting effort to ignore it all day because I simply can’t handle it. The fear bubbles to the surface, colliding with my irrational anger toward Isaac, hot tears overflowing my eyes as my pulse starts to race.

“Don’t start crying, Maya. That isn’t fair.”

I sob out a laugh. “That’s not how crying works, Isaac.”

“I should be the one fucking crying. You’re leaving me.”

“How the hell can you say that to me?” Calm down. It’s not all his fault. This is his entire life, after all. I fucking knew that the whole time, and I let myself get swept away anyway. My thoughts don’t seem to be able to override this intense emotional response. I’m so upset I think my head is going to explode.

“I—” His rage falters for a moment. “How the hell can you go back to him?”

“I’m not going back to him.”

“So what did
she
say to you to get you to leave?”

“
Piper
didn’t say anything.”

“So then…” His face contorts, like he’s doing a mental calculation of some sort. “Well, that only leaves me.” That insecure expression flashes across his face for a second before it hardens. “I’ve been
very
patient with you Maya, but apparently it’s running out. What the fuck is going on?”

I take a deep breath. He truly has been ridiculously sweet since the first word he ever said to me. It tempers my anger, allowing me to speak softer. “I can’t do this again. I’m not the same as I was when you met me. Or maybe it’s because it’s you, I don’t know. But it hurts more now and I can’t do it again.”

“What?” He closes the distance between us tentatively, reaching out towards me from too far away to actually make the contact I’m craving. “What hurts?”

“It’s my fault,” I whimper. “You were trying to hide it.”

“Hide
what
?”

Confession time, I suppose. “I eavesdropped on you this morning. I’d say it was an accident, but then I’ll be lying too. I know you were with another woman today.”

The hand reaching towards me withdraws and clenches into a fist as his eyes grow narrow. “You fucking listened to my phone call this morning?” he growls.

I nod back at him. He is very tense and jittery and if I thought he was mad at me before, I was sorely mistaken because he’s about to explode. The most beautiful eyes on the planet meet mine, but they’re filled with rage. I’m afraid of him, backing away sheepishly as he takes a step towards me, but then he spins around and his white knuckled fist flies into the wall.

“Isaac!” I cry. “What the hell? You had hours alone with my phone! You even downloaded all of my pictures. Double standards much?”

“Fuck!” His nodded head flips up, his ferocious eyes locking with mine. “I can’t fucking believe you right now. I have been going insane all fucking day. I don’t think I even knew what jealousy was before this.”

“Why the hell were
you
so jealous?” It’s not like I was the one getting laid.

“Because I wasn’t with you and other people were. Other men saw you naked today, they even touched you. Rubbed and relaxed you. And, yeah, I know, they were all really fucking gay, hell, they’re some of my good friends. But it’s been killing me and I just can’t shake it.”

Seriously? I get a massage from a gay dude while you go fuck someone else, yet you were the one that was jealous all day?
“Isaac—”

“Do you know how much I’d like to take you out of this apartment to a restaurant? Not to mention, you saw your best friend and probably spoke with her a lot more candidly than you’ll ever speak with me. She got to hear thoughts going on inside your head that I’ll never know. Fuck, I was even pissed off that she got to see your highlights first.”

Is this for real?
You were having sex with someone else today!
Maybe he is just taking me for a ride because something is off here. He’s gone beyond jittery, his jaw tense and fists clenched so tightly it looks painful.