A huge thank you to my girlies; Rachel, Angela, Kerrie,
Kelly, Vickie and Vikki. I love each of you; you held me up and carried me
through to the end when I thought I wouldn’t make it, thank you… actually I
think that may have been the coffee, but hey, I still love ya’!

To you, the reader; Get the kettle on, pull up those big
girl pants and pile up those tissues… Bulk is gonna tear you up!!!

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;

the most massive characters are sealed with scars.

Khalil Gibran

PROLOGUE
BULK

“Chase, you’re under the thumb” Gary grumbled at me as I
whipped my jacket from the back of the chair and slipped it on, already calling
it a night.

“Nah, mate, it’s called love and a rockin’ hot woman at
home who since becoming pregnant, is always gagging for it.” I winked and
grinned as an image of a naked Shona rumbled into my head and my dick stirred
obligingly.

My beautiful wife had been ravenous since she hit the
last trimester of her pregnancy. Her constant hunger for my cock wasn’t hearing
any complaints from me that was for sure.

Pete slapped my back with reverence before he turned back
to the stripper grinding herself across Benny’s lap. He was in his element, the
only virgin among us and I think he was about to lose his virginity without
penetration any second.

I tipped my head to the guys then to Benny, signalling Benny’s
imminent embarrassment.

His jaw dropped and his eyes fluttered before the tart
squealed and jumped off his knee, her shocked face gawping at the stain swiftly
appearing in Ben’s lap.

“Fucking hell, Ben!” Gary hooted as Benny cringed and
curled his lip in shock as he stared at the mess.

“Jesus Christ!” Ethan scoffed with disgust beside me.
“I’m off home with you, Chase. I’m sure Shona won’t mind if I kip on your sofa.
No way am I going back with…that!”

I chuckled and nodded, “Sure, we’ll try and keep the
noise down” I smirked at him.

“Don’t on my account; I can wank to your wife’s moans.”

“Fucking hell, Ethan” I barked and he rolled his eyes.

“Relax, fuck, I’m not that sick.”

I raised my eyebrows in dispute to his statement. “You
need to find a bird and settle down, Ethan, it’ll do you good.” I told him as
we pushed the club doors open and stepped onto the frosty pavement whilst my
fingers swiftly texted Shona to tell her to get ready for me.

I fancied taking her slow and long tonight, sate her
lengthily and adoringly.

God, she was fucking beautiful. I had fell hard for her
the moment my eyes landed on her in the first class at college four years ago.

She had sat next to me in A level music and I was chewing
on my pen like a starving bulldog as I stared at her like some frigging
pervert. She had leant across and asked if she had something stuck to her face
and then we both started giggling like adolescents, appropriating a severe
scowl from our lecturer, but after that we were inseparable.

She had fell as hard for me as I had her and within two
years, aged eighteen, we were married, settled and so god damn happy it was
blinding.

The way she looked at me, her bright blue eyes twinkling
at me mischievously never failed to make my heart beat that bit faster. The
swing of her tight hips and even tighter arse made my body crave her
constantly. The flow of her long blond hair and the way it swept down her back,
almost covering her delicious bum made me wanna wind it around me and tie her
to me continually.

She was my life…simple.

“Nah, I’m good.” Ethan said quietly and I knew my words
had brought back memories of Jen.

“Shit, Ethan, sorry mate.”

He shrugged, “I’m okay.” He frowned and sighed heavily
and my heart hurt for my friend since primary school. “She’s not coming back,
Chase, and I need to start accepting it. It’s been two fucking years now; I’ve
looked everywhere and…nothing. I need to stop behaving like a fucking pussy and
get back into the scene.”

I nodded faintly but tapped his shoulder lightly as we
rounded the corner onto my street. Ethan stumbled off the curb and onto the
road in front of an oncoming BMW speeding at a pace that would make Jenson
Button proud.

“Fucking prick!” Ethan shouted as he jumped back onto the
path with his hand holding his pounding chest.

“Jesus” I swallowed harshly as I watched the Beemer fly
round the corner and disappear. “You okay?”

He nodded and puffed out a relieved blast of air, “Maniac.”

I nodded in agreement as we stalked up my path and I
fiddled in my pockets for my keys.

“Shit” I murmured when I realised I’d left them with my
wallet on the table in the club. “Shit” I repeated as I looked up at Ethan to
explain.

I frowned when I caught his frown as he stared at my
front door.

My eyes shifted, following his gaze and my throat
restricted when I caught sight of it.

The wooden frame had been splintered nastily and the door
hung open slightly.

I froze as did Ethan before he gingerly pushed it open
and stepped inside. “Shona” I shouted, amazed at the calm to my voice when my
heart was threatening to give me a coronary at its overload of beats.

“Shona?” I shouted a bit louder as I took in the state of
the hallway. It was trashed and my throat was starting to constrict when the
eerie silence penetrated my ears.

I stumbled through the hallway and burst into the lounge,
my eyes scanning the area within seconds for my wife.

“Baby?” It was now a croak as my calls remained
unanswered, “SHONA?”

Falling through the kitchen door, I frowned at the
neatness of the room, strangely in contrast to the rest of the chaotic house.

“God damn it, Shona, answer me!” I shouted as I hit the
stairs two at a time.

My footing faltered as I saw Ethan. Both his hands were
bracing my bedroom door frame and his hip was leant against the frame
supporting him as he stared at something inside.

He spun round as I approached and grabbed the tops of my
arms, pushing me back firmly. “No” was all he said as tears reamed his face.

“Ethan?” I stuttered as my lungs fought to keep the air
inside with my rapid pants and I pushed back against him.

He shook his head and pushed me back again, “No, Chase.”

We continued retreating, our legs giving way until we were
both crumpled on the floor. My hands clawed desperately at him, pulling his
skin within my grasp to feel something, anything but this high pitched hum in
my head.

“Ethan?”

“Jesus, Chase. I…” he shook his head and I knew. I knew. I
could feel it; my heart had stopped beating, my spirit was screaming in pain
and my soul had died.

“No, No….”

Tears flowed rapidly down his face and I attempted to get
to my feet but he placed his hands on my cheeks. “Look at me, Chase. Look at
me.”

My wide eyes locked onto his haunted ones. “You do not go
in there. She’s up here, Chase, her beautiful smile and twinkling eyes need to
stay up here” he stammered as he tapped my head.

I shook my head as realisation and acceptance hit me. A
fierce raging fire propelled from my lungs, burning them to a crisp en-route as
it incinerated my heart on the way. The ashes erupted from my throat in a
scream so primal and visceral that it burst a blood vessel in my eye and tore
my throat, surging blood from my mouth with it.

Ethan’s eyes would haunt me forever but at that moment I
didn’t realise how much I would appreciate his wisdom from keeping me from
seeing my beautiful wife so broken and beaten…and lifeless.

CHAPTER 1
BULK

7 years later

“You watch.”

“No, you watch.”

“I can’t Chase, I… God, this is hard.”

“Put it in the middle and we’ll watch together.”

Shona nodded and placed the long strip of plastic on
the floor between us, as we sat utterly naked on the bathroom carpet. Our heads
came together and joined as we peered down expectantly at the test.

“Oh God, Oh God. Chase…”

I nodded, I saw it. Hell, my whole body felt it as a
blue strip appeared in the centre of the small window.

“Baby… We’re pregnant.” My grin must have surely been
blinding her; I couldn’t pull my face back to normal as the corners my lips hit
my ears.

She giggled then looked at me sombrely, “I’m scared.”

I nodded and gripped her waist with my hands, pulling
her over and onto my lap, “Me too, God, me too.”

“What if I’m a terrible mother?”

I laughed at her worried face and cupped her cheeks,
“Baby, Shona, there is no way on this earth that you could be terrible at
anything. You are gonna be the best god damn mother on this planet.”

She rolled her lips and I swept away the stray tear
from her cheek as I gazed into those stunning blue eyes of hers. They had a
life of their own, the sheer bright blue held a twinkle constantly and her entire
emotions relayed through her beautiful irises frequently.

She reciprocated my caress and placed her palms gently
on my cheeks, “I know you’re scared Chase, but your past doesn’t rule your
future. You are the most compassionate and loving man ever….”

“Bulk!”

I blinked to dispel the images and lifted my eyes. Boss
was staring at me, his eyes wide and near terrorised and I couldn’t hold back
the small laugh that erupted from my mouth, “You okay?”

He shook his head rapidly, his lips wobbling as his chest
heaved with each of his desperate heaves of breath.

“She needs you.”

I stared at him, my eyes wide with caution as he stared
back, “But… I…”

He nodded eagerly, his eyes pleading as he wrung his hands
together with desperation and nervousness. “I know it’s gonna be hard Bulk but…
well, she needs you. She asked for you. Please.”

I repeated a head shake and stood from the hard plastic
chair, my arse sighing in gratitude as I took a step down the corridor.

“BULK!!!!” Her agonised cry ripped through me and I
swallowed back the bile and the pain before I turned slowly.

“Please.” Boss repeated with a small choked voice, his
eyes as frantic as his tone.

I pulled in a heavy drag of air as I palmed the door
handle, “God damn women.” I huffed as I opened the door.

Jen let out a mangled scream and all my apprehension flew
through the window as I rushed over to her. She grabbed my hand and screamed as
she lifted off the bed with a tormented moan, “Okay, little lady. Let’s get
pushing.”

She nodded at me eagerly as Boss appeared at the other
side of her, his hand slipping into hers as he swept a damp cloth across her
forehead.

“If you would both like to support a thigh whilst she
pushes, that would help her out a lot.” A nurse said from the bottom of the
bed.

I stared at Jen with a quirked brow to ask her permission,
but she just nodded eagerly, her body too far gone in pain to care who saw her
lady parts.

Boss and I slipped an arm under each thigh as Jen
screamed a piercing scream and turned red as she started to push.

This should have been us, this should have been us,
this should have been us.

“Come on, baby. You’re doing gre…. Fuck! Ow!” Boss groaned
as his whole face distorted in pain when Jen slipped her hand into his hair and
yanked hard as she pushed just as gruellingly. “Ow, Ow, Jen, baby…
Shit!”

I grinned at Boss who glowered at me, his lips moving
with his silent curses as Jen made him pay for getting her here. “Should’ve cut
the fucker” I laughed at him.

“Fuck off!”

“SHUT UP!” Jen bellowed as she heaved her body forwards
and gripped her thighs with us, her large belly stifling her breaths as she
forced everything south.

“Oh, Jesus Christ!” Boss disappeared and headed to the
end of the bed as he watched his child being born.

My breath stunted as a little wriggling body emerged and
I closed my eyes, sending up a silent prayer for help. I needed help getting
through this. I needed a drink.

Jen sucked in vast quantities of air as she flopped
backwards on the bed. Boss stuttered a choked cry as the nurse handed him some
scissors to cut the cord.

I couldn’t remove my eyes from my godson, his tiny body
covered in shit and blood but he was the most adorable little creature ever.

“Oooh Fuckkkkk!” Jen moaned and I gripped her hand again.

“One more, little lady, then it’s all over.”

She took a deep breath again and gripped her thighs with
me as Boss cooed over his son.

“Second one coming?” The nurse asked Jen. We both stared
at her like she was crazy. Of course the second one was coming, why did she think
Jen was groaning and pushing?

“I’m not sure; maybe I just need a poo!” Jen spat out with
venom and I looked to the floor as I tried to hold back the laughter.

The nurse narrowed her eyes but moved back into position
as Jen began pushing again.

***

“Vin, Issy, this is your Uncle Bulk…” Jen said before she
frowned, “No way are my children calling you after your nether regions. It’ll
be Uncle Chase to them.”

I smirked but nodded as I took Vin from her and snuggled
him into the crook of my arm, “Yeah, maybe we should stick to Chase. I don’t
need them asking me at three why they call me Bulk.”

My heart stilled as I peered down at Vin, his tiny face
searching my chest for a pair of tits, “Uh-uh mate, wrong sex. Although if you
like it that way, we’ll support you any…”

“Christ Bulk, give the guy chance.” Boss growled at me
and I laughed at him.

“Chill daddy, I’m only messing.”

He harrumphed as Jen placed little Issy in my other arm
and Boss stepped beside me to run his hand softly over each head of wispy hair.

My chest hurt and I blinked hard as I shoved the feeling
down.

This should have been us, this should have been us,
this should have been us.

“You okay?” Jen asked as she watched me with narrow eyes
and a slight tilt to her head. I smiled and nodded, aware that she was more
than sensitive of my feelings. Jen had been there for me over the past couple
of years, during horrible anniversaries and birthdays and just tough days. She
knew how to read me, as I did her.

Our friendship had progressed from something other than
friends. She was my guardian angel, if that didn’t sound too ‘pussyish’. I
loved her, not sexually, but with a connection that we both shared, a bond of
closeness that we both relished. I was there for her and she was there for me,
simple. She dragged me out of the darkness when I needed it, and I hated to
admit it but she held me when my emotions were raw and desolate. She was just…
there, always.

“I’m good.” I answered with a smile and a wink.

Christ, I needed to get thoroughly pissed, but Jen didn’t
need to know that at the moment, although I had no doubt she could read it in
me.

She gripped my elbow and I turned to look at her again.
The raw emotion in her eyes made my heart stutter, “It’ll come, Bulk. Soon, I
promise.”

I gulped back the lump and nodded, “Yeah.”

No it wouldn’t, it would never come again. Never.

“I’ll leave you guy’s alone. Well done, little lady.” I
reached down and kissed Jen’s forehead as I passed her Issy and slipped Vin
back over to Boss. “They’re so beautiful, which I’m utterly surprised at with a
father like theirs.”

“No surprise about it with superpowers like mine” Boss
smirked and I shook my head in humour.

“I’m surprised you haven’t named them Batman and Robin.”

His face lit up with excitement and Jen growled, “Well
done, Bulk.”

I closed the door behind me, laughing at Boss’s pleas and
Jen’s stubborn refusals.

I made it three steps before my knees juddered and I
palmed the wall for support as my forehead hit the wall.

My heart ached so hard as I ground my teeth in an attempt
to clear my thoughts.

This should have been us, this should have been us,
this should have been us.

“Christ, baby” I said to her ghost, “I need you.”

No answer as usual.

I blew out a breath and pushed off the wall. What the
hell was happening to me? Shona was on my thoughts constantly. Not like she
ever left, but lately she was always there; her smile, her laughter, her large
round belly that was full of my child.

I choked back the bile, the ache and the hurt for the
millionth time that day and swept my gaze around the corridor.

People came and went, all unaware of my heartache; nurses
scurrying around with clipboards and stern faces, new dads grinning from ear to
ear as they welcomed family, women in labour palming the wall as if mirroring
my ache. All of them oblivious to my anger and rage, all not giving a shit that
I wanted to die, wanted to join the only person who had lit my life with so
much intensity it had fed my soul.

This should have been us, this should have been us,
this should have been us.

“God damn” I cursed as I stepped into the empty elevator.

My ache craved alcohol, the oblivion and nothingness it
provided.

Rolling my head round my neck I stepped out into the cool
night air and took a calming breath. Seven years, seven long and lonely years.
It was about time I moved on.

“Fuck this shit.”

I lowered my head from staring people, my recognised face
pulling in wide eyes and gasps as people identified me.

A microphone was pushed into my face as a crowd of
reporters descended on me.

“Bulk, any news?”

“Have the happy couple graced us with mini Boss’s yet?”

“Any sign of the babies yet?”

“Any comment for ITV news, Bulk?”

I shoved past them all as Harry, my driver and bodyguard
pulled up in the car. He shot out and opened the door as he pushed back the
throng of idiots whilst I clambered in the front seat.

Bloody hell, why couldn’t they just wait for a statement
and leave Jen and Boss alone? They wanted some lone time together and I knew it
wouldn’t be long before the paparazzi realised the twins had been born with me
leaving, giving them the notion to try and overtake the ward.

I dialled Boss and made him aware of the storm brewing
outside the hospital as I muttered my destination to Harry, “Yellow’s.”

He frowned but nodded as he pulled away from the hospital
and sped me to what my gut craved. Alcohol and women.

BOOK: Denying Heaven (Room 103)

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