Desperation of Love (8 page)

The kiss ends, along with the song, and I can’t help but look around, feeling like I’m on display.

“It was just a kiss, Jordan. No one cares,” he whispers into my ear. I smile up at him, knowing that he’s right, but making out in public has never really been something I’m comfortable with. When it comes to Alex, it’s easy for me to get carried away. Be something I never thought I’d be, do things that I never thought I’d do. Things like agreeing to try a relationship in the first place, but dammit he can be persuasive. Those eyes are hard for me to resist. Right now, they are speaking volumes to me about what the night has in store for us. I need to break the moment because it’s getting a little too hot and heavy for the dance floor. “I’m going to the ladies room.”

He nods. “Meet me back at the bar?”

“Okay.” He places a gentle kiss on my lips and lets me go. Turning away from him, I make my way down the narrow corridor that leads to the restrooms. As usual, the wait for the ladies bathroom is out the door, and I find myself in an obscenely long line. My mind wanders to the past few days and how Alex has pushed his way into my life. Granted, I didn’t put up much of a fight, but it’s funny how things can change so quickly. As much as I tell myself that his advances have been unwanted, realistically, I know that isn’t true. His infiltration into every crevice of my life excites me on some level. It’s not like we have a love at first sight kind of relationship. I’ve known him for a while, but I’m starting to realize that my feelings for him run deeper than I ever imagined. Why else would I let him in so easily? Let him run Mark off? Practically move into my house? Is it possible that deep down, I’ve been waiting for Alex to be ready to give me more than just an occasional make out session?

I finally make it in and out of the bathroom then I walk out through the hallway to the crowded lounge area. I’ve only been gone ten minutes but the size of the crowd has grown significantly. It’s hard to see through the bodies dancing, and I’m not sure if I can make it back to Alex that way. I decide to circle the dance floor instead. The bar comes into view and I come to a halt as I take in the scene in front of me. Alex is leaning against the bar, surrounded by not one, but
two
women. The tall brunette closest to him puts her hand on his shoulder and leans in to say something in his ear. He throws his head back and laughs at whatever she said then turns back to the bar and fetches two drinks, handing them over to the women. I can feel the heat rising up to my cheeks, a mix of anger and jealousy taking over my senses. Why would he bring me here just so he can flaunt other women in my face? Instinctively, I want to walk over to them and stake my claim on him or cause a scene, or better yet, leave him here and let him wonder what the hell happened to me. But I choose to go against my natural inclinations and do something to get back at him instead.

I turn away from them and spot a group of guys standing off to the side of the dance floor. At this point, I don’t care what they look like. I set my sights on one and make my way over. He sees me coming and slowly smiles at me. He looks like a lion about to pounce on his prey. He’s cute for all intents and purposes, I’ll give him that. He’s a little shorter than Alex, less muscular, but handsome, nonetheless.

“Hey, gorgeous,” he says as I get within earshot. “Looks like my night just got a whole lot better.”

I plaster a fake smile on my face and give him a wink. “I saw you from across the room and thought I’d take a chance and ask you to dance. You up for it?”

His eyes roam the entire length of my body and I can almost hear the disgusting thoughts that are surely running through his head, but all I care about is putting on a show for Alex. Making him see that he’s not the only one that can play this fucked up game.

“I’d love to dance with you,” he says, taking my hand and leading me out onto the dance floor. Luckily, he picks a prime spot, right in front of Alex. I begin to move against the stranger as his hands find their way down to my hips. We dance to the beat of the music and I start to feel sick to my stomach. I know I’m being childish, but when I’m hurting, I don’t always make the best decisions. It doesn’t take long for him to start grinding against me. He slides his hands around to grab my rear. I move to lift his hands but before I get a chance, a set of strong arms slide around my waist and hauls me away.

Alex is in my face, looking nothing short of murderous. If I didn’t know him, I’d be terrified. “What. The. Fuck. Are you doing?” he spits out at me.

Before I can even attempt to answer him, my dance partner is at my side. “What the fuck is your problem?” he asks, getting in Alex’s face.

“My problem is that you’re all over my girl. If you like your face the way it is, I suggest you walk away now, pretty boy.” He snarls.

I’m actually scared for pretty boy, and since I dragged him into this mess, I feel it’s my duty, at the very least, to warn him off. I cross my arms over my chest and roll my eyes. “I’d do what he says if I were you. He’s not joking.”

He stands there for a minute, probably weighing his options. “You can have her!” he says to Alex but glares at both of us. “She’s not worth it,” he yells over his shoulder, walking away to rejoin his group of friends. Alex glowers at me and grabs my arm, pulling me off the dance floor and out of the building as quickly as he can. When we reach the car, he opens my door and practically shoves me inside. He says nothing to me on the way home, which seems to take forever. The tension between us is palpable, but I refuse to speak. My anger is just too much for me to handle right now. It’s consuming me and I’m sure he’s feeling much the same way. I have nothing to feel bad about. He started this. I mean, who does that? Who openly flirts with two women while his date is in the bathroom?

He pulls into my driveway, and the car barely comes to a stop before I jump out and storm into my house, locking the door as I get inside. I toss my keys on the table and dash upstairs. I make it up two steps before I hear a key starting to unlock my front door. I forgot I gave him a key this afternoon. I turn around as Alex comes in and closes the door behind him.

“Get out!” I yell, coming back down the stairs.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he spits out through nearly clenched teeth. “We need to talk.”

I glare at him with as much venom as I can muster up. It does nothing to deter him and I know he’s not going to budge until we have this out right here, right now. “Fine! Speak.”

“What the hell was that back there, Jordan?” He enunciates each syllable in a way that lets me know he’s walking a fine line between keeping what’s left of his composure intact and completely losing it on me. I’m so enraged that I could care less about which end of the line he lands on.

“Me?” I scream. “What about you, Alex? I came back from the bathroom and you had two chicks hanging all over you! You were laughing and buying them drinks! What did you expect was going to happen, huh? You thought I was going to join you?”

His shoulders relax a bit, and I swear there’s a hint of a smile tugging on the corner of his lips. He takes a deep breath before finally speaking. “That’s what this is about? You wanted to get back at me for talking to those girls by trying to make me jealous?”

“Get that smug look off your face. I wasn’t trying to make you jealous. I was just giving you a taste of your own medicine.”

“Well, genius, if you had come back to the bar like you were supposed to, you’d know that one of those girls is my buddy’s fiancé. She was there for her bachelorette party. The other girl was her friend. They were just saying hi, and I bought them drinks because I’m a nice guy, not because I was trying to do anything behind your back.”

Well, don’t I just feel like a jerk now? I’m pretty sure all of the color rushes out of my face as the wave of remorse and embarrassment hits me. “Shit,” I say, looking away. “Alex …” I say, but I can’t finish the thought. What can I possibly say that will make this huge overreaction on my part go away? Why did I have to assume he was being a pig and flirting with those girls? This is what I do though. This is what I’ve been trying to tell him. I don’t always mean to screw things up. It’s just in my nature. If I find a reason to break it off, he can’t leave me one day. It’s no big revelation. It’s just the way my brain works.

He places his hands on his hips and looks down at his shoes. “No. I get it. I know you’re looking for a reason to push me away, but it’s only been twenty-four hours. Could you give me a chance, just a little break?”

I walk over to him and grab his hand, wanting desperately to make this right. He looks up at me with pleading eyes and I take a breath. “Yes, I can. I’m sorry. When I saw you with them, I just jumped to conclusions. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst.”

He lets my hand go and takes a step back. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to let me past that wall of yours?”

“What are you talking about? What wall?” I ask, feeling both rejected and defeated.

“
What wall
? The one you put up to keep every potential man away.”

I lift my head up and square my shoulders. “That’s bull. There is no wall. Do you see a wall?” I can’t help but sound defensive.

“I can’t see it, princess. I can feel it.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Aren’t you tired?”

“Tired of what, Alex?”

“Of shutting out the people who want to care about you.”

I take a moment to consider his words. It’s a simple question, but one that I find impossible to answer without admitting to myself what a mess I’ve really made. I want to argue with him, to tell him that he’s wrong, but he’s not. Denying it would just make me a liar, on top of everything else. “I’m trying. I know that it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I promise you that I am.” It’s the only truth that I’m capable of extending to him.

He nods his head and uses his thumb and forefinger to lift my chin up. He kisses me on the forehead then releases me. “Alright,” he whispers. “I’m going to bed. We’ll try again tomorrow.” He walks past me and up the stairs, leaving me alone with my thoughts. For the first time ever, I feel completely alone in my own home. The only person I want is just up the stairs, but he might as well be hundreds of miles away. There’s nothing I can do at this point. I have to let this night go and move forward, hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. Hoping that tomorrow I won’t push Alex any further away.

God only knows that patience has never been my thing. I’m not the kind of guy to sit around and wait to get what he wants. I think that might just be the only thing I learned from my mother. She attacks everything head on. In fact, she can be brutal. This is probably why my brother had such a successful career. She made it happen, never waiting for anyone or taking no for an answer. I may not be quite that aggressive but as I lay here replaying the last few days with Jordan in my head, I realize my patience is definitely wavering. I know that there’s more to her than meets the eye, more to her story than she’s letting on. I know, firsthand, how difficult a divorce can be on a kid but for her to be so guarded, so sure that I’m going to hurt her, so cautious when it comes to sharing her life, is just not normal. After tonight, it took everything in me not to turn around and leave, abandoning her to her issues and insecurities. I almost did walk away, but then I looked at her face and I could see the vulnerability. I could feel the desire in her to change her pattern with men and I caved. I submitted because I’ve seen glimpses of the girl I know she can be. I’ve experienced moments of the real Jordan. The kind, sensual, beautiful and intelligent girl that I know she is.

Yeah, I have no patience but for some reason, where Jordan is concerned, I get over things quicker than I normally would. With her, patience isn’t that difficult a request. I can do it for her because I am certain she’s worth it … and now I can’t get her out of my head. The only thing standing between her and I is a couple of doors, and I can’t think of one good reason why I shouldn’t go to her room and make sure that she’s alright.

I throw the girly, yellow comforter off and quietly make my way to her bedroom. I partially open her door and lean my head in, expecting to find her asleep, but instead she’s wide awake. She pushes herself up onto her elbows and looks at me with sad eyes.

“Alex? What’s wrong?” I let out the an unsteady breath and push her door completely open.

“I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.”

She nods her head. “I’m okay. I’m just really sorry that I made such a mess out of tonight.” That right there, that admission from her, is completely uncharacteristic for Jordan. She doesn’t do apologies and that’s how I know I’ve made progress. She wants to give this a chance just as badly as I want to.

I walk to her bed and get under the covers with her. I pull her into my arms and place a gentle kiss on her lips. “It’s okay, princess. We’re still figuring each other out. We’ll get there if you give it a chance.”

She nods and lays her head down on my outstretched arm. “I promise to try.”

“That’s all I ask.” We lay together for awhile, enjoying the feel of being in each other’s arms. The sound of her breathing brings me a strange sense of peace. Having her so close to me, even though at times it can be tumultuous, feels right. Moments like this seem almost natural. Within a matter of minutes, her breathing evens out and I know she’s fallen asleep in my arms, almost as if she was waiting for me to reassure her that we were okay. I begin to doze off too, basking in the feel of her in my arms. This girl can turn me inside out and tie me up in knots like no one has ever done before.