Desperation of Love (22 page)

I turn to face her and grasp her chin in the palm of my hand. “Baby, this is a happy occasion, okay? I know you just lost your dad in a hospital, but this is different. It’s okay to be happy today.”

She looks up at me with sad eyes and, shit, I wish I could take this pain away. She’s been doing okay, but the wound is still fresh. She has her moments and, of course, being in a hospital so soon after would take her back to that. “How did you know?”

“Because I know you. I’m only sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.” I kiss the tip of her nose and grab hold of her hand. “You going to be okay?”

“Yes. You’re right. This is a happy time. I can’t wait to meet this baby already.” The doors to the elevator chime open. I lead her down the hall to the labor and delivery unit. We make our way into the family waiting room and are met by the usual crew, Joe, Gavin, Gemma, Rob, Brooke and my mom are all there.

I wave and say a quick hello, but Jordan greets everyone with her megawatt smile. “Any news?” she shrills, running over to Ellie’s dad, Joe, and giving him a hug.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he says, returning her hug. “Nothing yet.” He releases her and she makes her way around the room, kissing and hugging everyone. She even gives my mom a hug and a kiss, which is odd considering she isn’t my mom’s biggest fan. As they embrace, I can sense something passing between them. Acceptance, maybe? I can’t be certain, but whatever it is, I’m glad that she’s making the effort. That means a lot to me.

We’ve been in the waiting room for an hour and I feel like I’m literally bouncing off the walls with nervousness and excitement. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to know what’s going on with my best friend. Victor finally comes in and I jump out of my seat. “Oh my Gosh! What took you so long?” I blurt out.

“She just had an epidural for the pain. She’s almost five centimeters dilated. It’s probably gonna be a while, but she wants to see you, Shorty.”

“Finally!” I yell, bouncing up and down with excitement. “Let’s go.” I tug on his hand and he chuckles at me.

“Alright, alright, bossy,” he says, turning and heading back out into the hallway. I’m halfway through the door when I realize I’ve forgotten something. I walk back in the waiting room, walk over to Alex, and bend down to give him a kiss.

“What was that for?” he whispers.

“Making up for last week, remember?”

He laughs and gives me a kiss on the forehead. “Get out of here, silly.”

I scrunch my nose at him before turning around and jogging into the hallway. I follow Victor into a secure area of the north wing. The only way in or out is to ring a doorbell and announce yourself to the nurses station. Once we’re allowed into the maternity ward, Victor leads me to Elle’s room. I’m immediately notice how different it is from a normal hospital room. It’s bright, airy, and spacious. Elle is lying in the hospital bed. She smiles up at me. “Hey, I’ve been waiting for you forever.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. It’s all Alex’s fault. He didn’t wake me up right away,” I reply, throwing Alex under the bus. I sit down on the side of the bed and give her a hug.

“Alex, huh? He didn’t wake you up, meaning that you spent the night with him?”

“Ellie,” Victor says in a warning tone.

“What? She brought it up,” she replies. She turns back to look at me. “I’m just happy you worked it out.”

“Me too. But what about you? How are you feeling?”

“It got ugly for awhile there but the epidural helped, thank goodness.”

I grab her hands and shake my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe we’re going to have a baby today.”

“It’s really happening.” She squeezes my hands. “They allow two people in the room with me. Obviously, Victor will be here but we were hoping you’d be here too.”

I gasp in both shock and excitement. “Really? You want me to stay?”

I see her eyes get watery and know she’s on the verge of tears. I’m having a hard enough time holding it together as it is, but her breaking down and crying will make me lose it too. “You’ve been with me through everything. It only seems right that you’d be a part of this, too.”

“You’re going to make me cry. Of course, I’ll stay.”

I was in that hospital room for hours. My back hurts from trying to sleep in a hard hospital chair. Victor looked just as uncomfortable as I did for most of that time, and Elle was doing pretty great. I made a mental note that, if I ever do have a baby, I should most definitely get the drugs. I was about to give up hope that this baby was ever coming, but thankfully at five o’ clock in the evening, Ava Garza was born. Victor got to hold little Ava first, and I couldn’t help getting emotional watching him cradle her. He was a goner from the moment she let out her first cry, and it was a magical moment to experience. He handed her over to Elle who, of course, took one look at her and lost it. Then, of course, I lost it at the sight of taking in my best friend with her little one. After everything that she’s been through, all the loss and the pain, witnessing this moment in her life is monumental.

Now, as I sit here and hold this little girl in my arms, I can’t help but to fall in love with her too. She’s quite possibly the most beautiful child in the world, with Victor’s olive skin and Elle’s soft features, and she has just a patch of brown hair. I think about my future and what it has in store for me. Could I actually have all this with Alex? A home, a marriage, a baby, is any of that in the cards for me? I never thought those would be an option. I’ve been so scared about what happened in my childhood to ever allow myself to even imagine it. The truth of the matter is that, if I married Alex and it didn’t work out, I’d be irreparably damaged. And if a baby resulted from that, I’d be terrified of what a divorce might do to him or her. Can I really take that kind of chance? Can I accept someone’s promise of forever, only to have it end badly? But then I look at little Ava and I think that it might just all be worth it.

I’m so wrapped up in the baby that I don’t even realize Alex has entered the room. He hovers over me then bends down, resting on his haunches in front of me. I look up at him and I’m sure I’m gleaming. “Hey,” I whisper. “This is your niece, Ava. Ava, this is your uncle, Alex.”

He stares at her for a long time then reaches out to her and she wraps her tiny little hand around his finger. “Hi, beautiful Ava,” he says with a smile.

I motion him with my head to stand. I make it to my feet and gently hand her over to him. He rocks her in his arms and it’s clear that yet another Garza male has fallen victim to her cuteness. After seeing him with her, for the first time in my life, I can see a future that includes a family of my own. It both excites and terrifies me. Alex casts a glance at me, and I can’t help but melt a little. He leans down and places a kiss on my forehead.

“You guys?” Elle calls out to us. We turn our heads in her direction. Victor is sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his wife. “Victor and I discussed this and we decided that we want you to be Ava’s godparents.” I draw a sharp intake of breath and look at Alex, who looks about as stunned as I am. “I mean, only if you want to,” she adds.

“Of course,” I respond quickly, fighting back tears. “Thank you guys for trusting us with such a huge responsibility.”

Everyone else starts to slowly trickle into the room and we soon lose our claim to Ava. Alex and I say goodbye to Elle and Victor and sneak out of the crowded hospital room. He pulls me into a hug while we wait for the elevator. “How are you doing, princess?”

“I’m good. I’m so happy. That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever witnessed, babe.”

“Yeah, it is pretty amazing, huh?” I nod in agreement. The elevator door pings open and Alex pulls me in, tucking me into his side. “Let’s go home.”

Home. The word sounds so natural coming from him, like it would be so easy for he and I to merge our lives, create a home together, and I melt into his side a little more. I love the idea that Alex and I may be headed for a future where we can share a home and build a life together, despite the obstacles that we might face or the fear that we might feel. It becomes clear to me that this home isn’t a place for me to rest my head at night or a place to keep my belongings. It’s the reason I felt so lost for a week without him. Alex is home.

No one ever wakes up and says to themselves,
this is the day that everything falls apart
. If I’d have known that today was that day, I would have refused to open my eyes. The morning started off great. I made breakfast for me and Alex then we grabbed coffee at Niecy’s coffee shop. Afterwards, we headed over to Victor and Elle’s house. All of the family was going to meet there later to welcome baby Ava home. Alex and I went ahead so that we could get everything ready.

I’m busy decorating while Alex is cleaning up the house and ordering enough food to feed everyone. When the banner is hung and the last balloon is blown up, I head to the kitchen to find Alex, but he’s not there. I look out the window and see that he’s out in the backyard, sitting on a lounge chair and talking on his phone. I make my way outside and catch the tail end of his conversation. He is letting Victor know that everything will be ready when they come home. He ends the call, gives me a warm smile, and reaches his hand out to me. I accept his outstretched hand and he pulls me down so that I’m straddling him. I lower my lips to his, offering him my mouth, which he takes, stirring the desire deep within me. I break the kiss and let out a giggle.

“You know if we were at your place right now …”

He chuckles. “I know, babe.” He wraps his hand around the nape of my neck and pulls me back down until our foreheads are touching. “Jordan …” He swallows, looking unsure and hesitant.

“What? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, I just…” He takes a breath, appearing to strengthen his resolve. He speaks softly. “I love you.”

His words hit me hard and catch me off guard. I want to be happy that he’s said them. I want to shout at the top of my lungs that I feel the same way, that I love him too, because I do. I love him so much, but instead of happiness, I’m hit by a stroke of panic that leaves me breathless and wordless. He takes one look at me and his demeanor changes instantly, he seems to deflate right in front of my eyes.

“Alex.”

“No,” he says, gripping my arms and gently pushing me off him. He stands up and turns to face me. “It’s cool, Jordan. I should have known better.” His words break my heart. They make me feel as if he doesn’t trust me to do the right thing where our relationship is concerned. As much as it hurts me to know he feels this way, I can’t say that I blame him.

“No, it’s not that …” I sputter, tripping over my own words.

“You don’t owe me any explanations. You can’t make yourself feel something you don’t.”

“No. Alex … I just …”