Desperation of Love (18 page)

“Downstairs making a coffee run. They should be back soon. How’s your dad doing?”

“He’s weak, but he’s stable and responsive. That’s the best we can hope for right now,” I say, taking the seat across from her. “You should head home, Elle. You’re in no condition to be sitting here waiting around with me.”

“I’m fine. You’re my best friend. Where else would I be?”

I give her my first genuine smile of the day and nod my head. Selfish as it may seem, I love that she’s here. She’s been my source of strength for so long and I need the reassurance from her right now. There’s an uncomfortable silence floating between us now, a looming conversation that neither of us really wants to have, but I assume that she wants to know, so I decide to broach the subject carefully. “Listen …”

“No. Now’s not the time or the place, and it’s none of my business, Jordan. I said hurtful things to you that night we went out to dinner, so I don’t blame you for keeping it a secret from me. I was a bitch.”

I get up and take the seat next to her, positioning my body so that I’m facing her. “No, you were right about a lot of things, about how I push guys away, but I want you to know that I’m trying to be different for him. I feel different with him.”

“I can see that. I just want you both to be happy. You’re both adults and it’s really not my place to get involved, so … I’m going to mind my business and respect your privacy. When you are ready to tell me about it, you can. And I promise that I’ll listen to you with an open mind. I won’t judge you and I will support you no matter what. I’ve known you way longer than I’ve known Alex, so for me to warn you away from him was completely out of line.”

“You were just trying to protect your family.”

“You’re my family. I’m blaming my bad judgment on pregnancy hormones, and I just hope that you can forgive me.”

“We’re family,” I whisper. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

She stares at me for a second, and I swear she can see all the emotion that’s living in my head right now. She pats her lap and I can’t stop the tear that escapes. She knows me so well. I lower my head until it’s resting on her lap, and she begins running her fingers through my hair. When I was younger and my parents were going through their divorce, I would always escape to Elle’s house. I would break down and cry, telling her how they would threaten each other and fight over me, putting me in the middle of their failed marriage. She would always do this to me, and strange as it may seem, the simple gesture always calmed me down.

We all spent the last couple of days at the hospital and our nights at a nearby hotel. I tried to convince Victor and Elle to go home but they refused, saying they wouldn’t leave until after my dad’s surgery. Alex has not left my side in days. He and Victor have been handling any construction issues on the recording studio via telephone and by using Rob as a site manager.

Now, it’s the morning of the surgery and I’m waiting to go in and see my dad before he’s prepped and taken up to the operating room. I wait outside his door with Alex while my mom visits with him. I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for her. Their relationship has been so volatile for years, but for her to put aside her feelings to be there for him and for me is amazing.

After she leaves, I sneak Alex into his room with me. He’s only allowed one visitor at a time, but I really want my dad to meet him.

“Hey, honey.”

“Hi, Daddy. You look good this morning.”

“I feel good,” he says, giving me a wink. “And who’s this young man?”

“Daddy, this is my boyfriend, Alex Garza. Alex, this is my dad, Walter Burke.”

“Mr. Burke. I’m happy to finally meet you.”

“I’m happy to meet you too, Alex. It’s not every day that my baby introduces a boyfriend to her old man. You must be pretty important for her to do that.”

“She’s pretty important to me too, sir.”

He looks between Alex and I. His gaze drops to our conjoined hands and he smiles. “It’s good to see you happy, Jordan.”

“Thanks, Dad.” We talk for a little while about everything and anything. Alex and my dad talk about every sport imaginable, and we make plans to go to a New York Giants game together this season. We say our goodbyes, and Alex and I go out to sit in the waiting room with everyone else.

I really like Jordan’s dad. He’s in good spirits this morning and looks as good as he can for just having a heart attack. I’m hoping that he pulls through this. Not only for Jordan’s sake, but because he seems like a really great guy. I’d like to get to know him better. Once in the waiting room, Jordan discovers that she’s left her sweater and her purse in her dad’s hospital room. I tell her to sit tight then run back to go get them for her. I walk into his room just as a nurse, who was checking his vitals, is walking out.

“I’m sorry to bother you, sir. Jordan just forgot her sweater and her bag in here.”

He gives me a nod and a tentative smile. “You can call me Walter, son. Why don’t you come sit down a minute? I’m actually glad you came back.”

I’m curious as to what he wants to talk about. It’s not like his daughter is sixteen years old and he can threaten to break my neck if I hurt her. I cross the room and take the empty seat next to his bed. “What can I do for you, Walter?”

“You love my daughter, right? I can see it written all over your face.”

“Yeah, I do. I love her very much, although she doesn’t know that yet.”

“She knows it. She loves you too.”

“I’m hoping that’s true.”

“She doesn’t know how to tell you. She’s been through a lot and she has trouble accepting love because, as far as she knows, love has only hurt her. Be patient with her.”

“I’m trying.”

“Don’t try. Succeed.” He takes a breath and opens his mouth hesitantly before speaking.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life where Jordan and her mother are concerned, but that was a long time ago and I’ve dealt with those demons. In my heart, I know that I’m not making it out of this surgery alive, son. I want to know that my baby is taken care of. It’s the only way I’ll be able to go in peace.”

Holy shit, I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. I don’t even know how to respond to him. His request is not even an issue for me. I want nothing more than to be there to take care of Jordan. I want to spend my life showing this girl just how much I love her. That much is clear to me.

“You’re not going to die, Walter. Millions of people have this surgery and come out of it just fine,” I say, trying to reassure him.

“I can’t go into the hows or whys with you. I just have the sense that this is it. Maybe I’m wrong. God willing, I am, but just in case I’m not, would you humor me, son?”

I reach out and cover his hand with my own. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for your daughter. I will take care of her no matter what. She will be fine. I’ll make sure of it.”

He lets out a sigh and I can see the relief wash over his face. “Good. That’s good, Alex. Tell her I love her, will you?”

“Of course,” I say, standing up. I walk to the open doorway and turn back to look at him. “Walter I
will
see you in a couple of hours. You
will
be fine.” I’m hoping my words will give him the strength to fight, but after this conversation, I’m not quite sure that they will make a difference. As I walk back to the waiting room, I’m struck by fear for the first time since this whole ordeal began. How do I help Jordan if her father doesn’t make it through this surgery alive?

Dad’s surgery is well underway. I was surprised when Elle’s dad, Joe, and her brother, Gavin, show up to offer their support. Brooke showed up a little while later, and shortly after that, Rob arrived with coffee for everyone. I feel so lucky to have these people around me right now. It really does calm my nerves that they’re all here.

Alex takes a seat by me and pulls me in for a hug. “How you holding up, princess?”

“I’m good,” I say with a smile. “You saw him this morning. He looked great. I really think he’s going to be fine.”

“Yeah,” he says, giving me a small smile. “I do too.”

The thing about being in a hospital waiting room is that time goes by so slowly. An hour feels like a week. There’s nothing else to do besides pray and think, and I think I’ve prayed enough in these last couple of days for a lifetime. That leaves me with only my thoughts to get me through. All of my thoughts lead me back to my childhood, before a time of fighting and bitter divorces, back to when a little girl saw nothing but light when she looked into her father’s eyes. I think back to a time when he could do no wrong, when monsters hidden in the closet were slayed by him, when scrapes on my knee were kissed away by him, when dancing around the living room with my tiny bare feet on his was better than anything. Then, I wonder how we got to this place, where we lived the last few years as almost strangers. The point where a daughter, who only had eyes for her father, cut him out of her life so mercilessly.

“Ms. Burke?”

The familiar voice of the doctor brings me back to present time, to this cold waiting room surrounded by the warmth of the people that I love. My heartbeat accelerates as I stand up, coming face to face with the man who holds the answer to whether a future with my father exists. I feel a hand at the small of my back and I know it’s Alex. He takes his place by my side but I don’t look at him. I can’t. I can feel them all surrounding me. Victor, Elle, Gavin, Joe, Brooke, Rob and my mom. I have to force myself to ask the question. “How is he?” The doctor looks down toward the ground for a moment, maybe gathering his thoughts, I’m not sure, but when his gaze finally meets mine, no words are necessary. I know what he’s going to say before the words leave his mouth.

“Oh my God. No,” I whisper, covering my mouth with my hand. I can feel my body start to tremble.

“I’m so sorry, Ms. Burke. We did everything we could.”

“No,” I cry, feeling the walls closing in on me. I can’t hear anything but the sound of my own heartbeat thumping in my ears. Time slows down to a near standstill as I turn away from the doctor and lunge in Alex’s arms. Nothing else exists. No one else matters right now because I can feel myself losing it. I can feel the darkness trying to grab hold, and I know that he’s the only one who can guide me back. My knees buckle and I’m dangerously close to hitting the ground when Alex’s hold on me tightens. He lifts me up and carries me to the back of the waiting room. He sits us down in an empty chair and cradles me in his arms. I feel the endless tears streaming down my face, but I can’t register the fact that they belong to me. There’s nothing left to do but hold on, grab on tighter, and hope that he can keep me afloat before the grief consumes me.

“Let it out, baby,” he whispers. “Just let it out. I’ve got you.” 

I close my eyes and fight the wave of nausea that hits. I clutch onto Alex’s shirt, trying but failing to get any closer. I need maximum contact right now. The only other man I’ve ever loved is dead, gone, just like that. One moment he was making plans to take in a football game with his daughter and her boyfriend, and the next he was gone. In the blink of an eye, he ceases to exist, and now Alex is all I have left, a man who I love but doesn’t even know it. He has no idea how much his presence means to me. On top of mourning the loss of my father, a jolt of fear hits me. A fear that I might lose Alex too. “He’s gone, Alex.”