Desperation of Love (14 page)

“Yes, I remember … I thought he was cleared of all of those obligations?” I can feel the air change from peaceful to intense.

“Seriously? I thought you took care of all of this?” he questions, grabbing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “No, I managed his tour, not his endorsements. Do NOT try to put this shit on me.” His voice gets louder with each word spoken and my spine goes straight.

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?” He sighs again in absolute frustration. “Alright, yeah … I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He ends the call and tosses the phone onto the counter.

“I’m sorry, babe. I have to go into the city. Apparently, there was an endorsement deal that no one bothered to deal with when Victor retired and now the company is threatening to sue for breach of contract.”

“Why do you have to go?”

“Because I’ve dealt with these people before. She thinks I can get through to them, smooth things over.”

I shake my head at him, my anger boiling over. I’m not mad at Alex, but his mother for pulling him into her bullshit once again. “Don’t go.”

“Jordan …”

I don’t let him finish what he’s about to say. I don’t care. It’s clear to me that he will never stand up for himself so I’m going to do it for him. “Alex, don’t go!”

He lets out a sigh and tilts his head up toward the ceiling. I think he’s trying to keep his cool. He lowers his gaze back to me. “I wouldn’t go if it wasn’t important.”

“It’s always important. She does this to you all the time. You don’t work for Victor anymore. You are partners. If there’re leftover contracts to deal with from his endorsements, it’s her responsibility, not yours!” I’m practically yelling now.

“What do you want me to do, huh? Let him face a lawsuit for breeching a contract? It’s not about her. It’s about protecting my brother.”

I roll my eyes at him. “If it’s about Victor, why didn’t she call him?”

“Because she never involved him in any of this stuff. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’m sure he has no idea what’s going on with this.”

“Fine, Alex. It doesn’t matter what I say. You’re going to do whatever you want anyway.”

He walks over to me and runs his hands up and down my arms. “Hey, don’t be like that. Your opinion matters to me,” he says, doing his best to pacify me. “I love how you want to protect me, but when it comes to shit with my brother, I can’t just let it go.”

I nod because I get it, I really do. Victor is his brother, and technically his only family, so as much as I want to stay mad, I can’t. “Go. I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Thank you.” He smiles and places a quick kiss on my lips. “I’m going to take a shower and hit the road. The sooner I get this done, the sooner I can get back.”

I watch him move up the stairs as I sit down to drink my coffee. As much as I hate to see him go and have to deal with his mother, I realize that I can’t fight his battles for him. It’s just as important for me to support his decisions, even when I think they suck.

The drive to my mother’s penthouse in New York took me a little more than an hour. She called me early enough that I was able to avoid the traffic heading into the Holland Tunnel. On the way up, all I could think about was Jordan and the look on her face when I told her I was leaving. I don’t know if I handled the situation well, but what was I supposed to do? This was my job for the longest time, and even if it wasn’t, it’s about family, the only family that’s ever really given a damn about me. At this juncture in my life, I refuse to lift a finger to do anything more for my mother or father, but I can’t be that way towards my brother. If it wasn’t for him, I’d be truly alone in this world with no family to speak of.

I love the fact that Jordan feels the need to protect me because it tells me that she cares. Whether she admits it or not, she’s invested in us. She proved that last night when she surprised me the way that she did. Holy shit, I was floored when I walked into my bedroom and saw her sprawled out on my bed, surrounded by candlelight. The sight of her was enough to bring me to my knees. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her by my side. It’s just more confirmation that I’m completely in love with her. But I can’t tell her, because even though I’m sure her feelings for me are strong, I don’t think she’s ready to accept where this is heading yet.

Things with my mom were unusually uneventful. I used my contacts to make sure any talk of a lawsuit was squashed. I got them to agree to a print endorsement rather than a commercial one. Victor’s payday is going to be less, but all in all, I’m pretty certain he would rather stand around for eight hours taking a few pictures, than being away for a two or three day commercial shoot. Plus, it’s not like he needs the money. What stunned me was the grateful look on my mom’s face when I told her about the deal I managed to work out. It actually looked sincere, which is a look I’m not used to seeing on her face when she’s dealing with me.

“Thanks for taking care of this. I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere with them. They hate me,” she says as I grab my car keys from her dining room table.

“Don’t worry about it. It wasn’t a problem.”

She nods, looking almost afraid to speak. “Did I pull you away from anything important?”

I want to say no, but that would be a lie, and I would feel like I was betraying my feelings for Jordan somehow. “Kind of, but it’s okay.”

“You look good. Happier, healthier.”

“I am. It was a good move for me,” I say, trying to cut the chit chat. That’s not the way our relationship works and I’m not interested in pretending it’s something that it’s not. “Look, Mom, I have to run. I’ll see you later,” I say, turning away from her and heading toward the front door.

“I’m sorry,” she calls after me. The words cause me to stop and I stiffen my spine. It’s like a defense mechanism with her, my body’s natural reaction, preparing itself for whatever she’s about to say. I force myself to turn around to face her, and for the first time in my life, I see sadness there.

I hesitate but finally manage to ask, “What are you sorry for, Mom?”

“So many things where you’re concerned. I don’t even know how to name them all.”

“Try.”

“I never deserved you, you know? I was so caught up in my own issues with your dad and my own dreams, which I pushed onto your brother, that I couldn’t see how it was affecting the two most important people in my life, my kids. At least Victor got something out of it. He got fame and fortune but you …” She trembles, tears falling freely down her face now. “You got a mother who treated you like you were worthless, when in reality you are worth more than anyone I know. You deserve more. You stood there with a smile on your face, doing everything you could for a family that didn’t appreciate you.”

“Mom,” I interject, careful to keep my voice steady.

“No, let me finish. I’ve wanted to say this to you for months, but I was too scared. I was afraid of your rejection, even though I deserve it, because at the end of the day, it’s exactly the same thing I did to you, isn’t it? Reject my beautiful, warm boy, a boy who had so much love to give and I threw it back in his face.”

I don’t even realize that I’m crying until I feel the wetness on my cheek. I don’t care that I’m sobbing or how it makes me look. Maybe I am less of a man for it, but shit, I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear these words. I want to tell her that it’s okay, that I’m fine, that I can easily forgive her, but she doesn’t need me blowing smoke up her ass and I don’t want to be dishonest. I wipe the stray tears away before finally speaking. “I don’t know what to say, Mom. A lot has happened and you can’t wash away a lifetime of hurt with a few words.”

“I know. Believe me, I know that. I have a lot to make up for where both of my children are concerned, but especially you. I’ve taken positive steps with Victor, and Ellie has forgiven me for what I did to her, but I knew that it would be harder with you. I’m prepared to do the work if you’ll let me. I’d like to mend our relationship.”

“I’m sure you can understand why I would be a little skeptical, but I guess it can’t hurt to try.”

“Really?”

I shrug my shoulders, thinking that the gesture explains exactly how I’m feeling. I’m skeptical and full of a million questions but willing to hear her out.

“Do you have to go back right now? Can I at least take you to lunch? I’d love to hear about what you’ve got going on nowadays.”

I want to deny her request, because honestly, it’s not like she really deserves any of my time. All I really want to do is get back to Jordan and make sure she’s okay, but I figure we have to start somewhere. I can’t help but to latch on to the hope in her voice. “Sure, but it has to be quick. I need to get back home.”

“Well, I can make us lunch here if you want.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I respond as I reluctantly move back toward the dining room area. She walks past me to get into the kitchen. I pull up a chair at the bar that divides the two rooms, unsure of what to say next. I’m thankful when she breaks the silence.

“Victor tells me you started construction on the recording studio. That must be exciting for you, huh?”

“Yeah, it is. If all goes well, it’ll be done and ready to open in a couple weeks. We already have a few tentative clients that have expressed an interest in working with us.”

“Well, you were always good in the studio. The songs that you produced for your brother were some of his best, so I’m not surprised that other artists want to work with you.”

Seriously? Who the hell is this woman and what has she done with my mother? Praise from Lucia Garza is like spotting a UFO. It’s unlikely to happen and if it does, it’s probably just a hallucination. “Uhh, thanks?”

She actually laughs, a real genuine laugh, and I feel like I’ve been transported into the twilight zone. “I know. You think I’ve gone crazy, right?”

“Just a little.”

“I’m not crazy. But I was, for a long time.”

“Why now? Why are you trying to fix our relationship now?”

“What happened with Victor and Ellie was a wake up call to me. My need to control everything was toxic, not just for me, but for everyone around me, including you. I wanted the dust to settle a bit before I reached out to you. I know how angry you’ve been with me, not that I blame you.”

“You know, it’s not that I don’t love you, Mom.”

“I know. I have to earn your trust. It’s okay.”

I shoot a quick text to Jordan while my mom’s busy in the kitchen.

I’m sorry about this morning, princess. Everything is good now, don’t want you to worry. I’ll be home soon.

She quickly responds.

I’m sorry, too. I was out of line. I’m glad you’re okay. Will you come to my house when you’re done?

Her text puts a smile on my face. I’m relieved that she’s not using this morning’s confrontation as an excuse to push me away.

Yes, babe. I’ll be there as soon as I can.

I put my phone into my back pocket, and look up to see my mom watching me intently.

“Are you seeing someone, Alex?” she asks.

I wonder how honest I can be with her. I’m unsure where her loyalty lies. I don’t know if she would agree with Ellie’s feelings about Jordan, or if she would respect my wishes. “Um, you could say that.”

Another genuine smile hits her lips. I don’t know how to handle the hearts and rainbows I’m getting from her today. It’s almost too much for me to take. “Will you tell me about her? Is it serious?”

“It’s Jordan.”

She thinks for a moment. I can tell the exact moment when the light bulb goes off and realization hits. “Jordan? Ellie’s friend?”

“Yup.”

“Alex, that’s really great. She’s beautiful.”

“Yes, she is, but it’s also hard.”

“Why?”

“Various reasons, but the main one is that she doesn’t want Ellie to know about us.”

She squints her eyes, clearly not understanding the issue. “Why wouldn’t she want to share this with her best friend?”

“Because Ellie doesn’t approve. She thinks that Jordan is going to hurt me and it will end badly for all of us.”

She tilts her head but keeps her eyes on me. “Is there any truth to that?”

“Fuck yes! She can destroy me.”

“You love her,” she whispers.

“Yes,” I respond simply, with zero emotion, as though loving Jordan is second nature.

“Love is pain. You can’t hide from it. Ellie should know that better than anyone.”

My eyes go wide. “You’re not going to take Ellie’s side in this?”

“No, I’m taking your side because you’re my son and because you’re an adult. Even though Ellie means well, it really isn’t any of her business what you and Jordan do.”

I grin at her. “When did you get so smart?”

“When I tried to butt into my other son’s love life. You saw how well that worked out.” With that, I let out a hardy laugh. I can’t help it. This is the mother I’ve always wanted. Someone that I could be open and honest with, bounce ideas off of and know that she would be there for me no matter what. I’m shocked at how easy it is to talk to her like this, how natural it feels after all the years of pain I suffered, even after I shut her out of my life completely. “Does she love you, Alex?”