Desperation of Love (20 page)

“I didn’t mean to do that,” I say, teeth chattering and hands shaking.

“Once,” he spits out. “I’ll let you get away with that once.”

The trembling and fear are replaced by anger. I may be cautious, but one thing I’ve never done is back down from a fight, and I don’t appreciate the threat. “What? You’re going to hit me back?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. I would never lay a hand on you, but I’m not going to stand here and let you slap me either.”

Now I just feel like a bitch. I know he’d never hurt me even though I can’t seem to stop hurting him. “I’m so sorry. But it wasn’t like that, Alex. Mark just showed up. I didn’t ask him to come here. I was just as surprised as you were.”

“You didn’t ask him to be here, and yet there he was, with his arms around my girl. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?”

“Alex, he was just hugging me goodbye. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Maybe not to you, but it meant plenty to Mark, and it definitely meant something to me. Here I’ve been, following you around all this time like a sick fucking puppy, taking whatever scraps you want to give me, and you don’t even give a shit. You throw it back in my face at every turn. I’m sorry, Jordan, truly. I’m sorry for your loss. I know you’re going through something life altering but I’m done. I won’t waste my time on someone who can’t see what’s right in front of her.” He lowers his gaze, looking absolutely defeated. “You’ve built your walls up so high that I’m not sure anybody can climb them.”

“I warned you that I wasn’t good at this. I told you that I don’t do relationships.”

“You didn’t even try.” He lifts his head and I’m astounded by the unmistakable sadness in his eyes.

“I told you I was fucked up, Alex. You knew the baggage I was bringing.”

“Just stop! Stop with your excuses already. It’s always the same thing. Poor Jordan, her parent’s divorce really screwed her up and she’s scared of ending up like them. Get over it! You aren’t the only one that came from divorced parents. I did too, but I was still willing to try to be here with you and at least attempt a relationship. You just keep looking for opportunities to push me away. Well, congratulations. You’ve succeeded.”

“You’re just mad because my ex was here. He’s not a threat to you, Alex. He asked me for a hug and I gave it to him. I didn’t know he was going to kiss me.”

“It’s not about him. I don’t give a fuck about him. He’s not the problem. He’s probably a halfway decent guy that you put through the ringer. You’re the problem in this scenario, and I just can’t seem to find the right equation to fix it. In fact, I’m not so sure I want to anymore.”

Holy shit, I’m losing him and I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make his anger subside. He’s not completely wrong. I did try to push him away in the beginning, but as time has gone by, I really was committed to making this work. “Don’t do this. Don’t leave me.”

“Why, Jordan? Why shouldn’t I walk out that door right now and never look back?”

“You’re right. You should go and not look back. I was never right for you.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and I want to take them back but I can’t. They’re true. As painful as it may be, Alex is too good for me. I’ll only bring him down. As much as I need him in my life, letting him be here is only going to hurt him in the end. My heart and mind have always been disconnected, and despite the fact that I love him, my brain still follows the urge to push him away. I’m at odds with myself, and I just can’t keep pretending that I’m a normal girl with normal relationships. It’s time for me to do the right thing and let him go. “I can’t keep doing this with you. It’s not right. I’m never going to be what you need. I want you to go.”

He glares at me, his eyes wide with shock, but he recovers quickly, masking the emotion on his face. He’s back to looking cold and angry. “You’ll never be happy because you’re your own worst enemy.” He walks past me, never looking back, and all I can do is watch him walk through my door, taking my heart with him. I go upstairs to my bedroom, taking in our unpacked bags still tossed on the floor. His clothes are thrown all over my floor because he can never make it to the laundry basket. He fills my home with his presence and it doesn’t matter which room I go to. It all reminds me of him. I pick up one of his discarded t-shirts and crawl into my bed, clinging to it for comfort and cry myself to sleep.

I made it home from Jordan’s house in record time. I’m surprised I didn’t crash because I was going so fast. I need to put as much distance between me and her as I can. She made her choice and I have to respect it. I was pissed off when I walked into her house and saw Mark kissing her. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to rip his fucking head off. I believed her once she explained what happened, but by that point, I was so far gone that I honestly didn’t care to hear another word. I was ready to walk away and leave her, but I gave her the choice. If she would have asked, given me any reason to, I would have stayed.

I think about her father and the promise I made to him. I swore to him that I would take care of his daughter, and I meant it at the time, but what am I supposed to do now? I feel like I’ve failed him somehow. I barely knew him, but it was his dying wish to know that his daughter would be loved. I desperately wanted to give him that, to follow through on that promise, but it’s just not possible now.

I always knew that Jordan would do things to try to push me away, whether she meant to do them or not. I knew how she operated and I thought I could handle it. I was under the impression that I’d be able to talk her down from the ledge and maneuver through her tendencies to sabotage our relationship. I guess, ultimately, I’m just one more guy that she can add to the list of dummies who thought they could change her. The only problem is that, no matter what I do, this girl will always have my heart. There is no going back from that, not for me, at least. I jump in bed and close my eyes, trying to sleep away what’s left of this day. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get some work done on the studio tomorrow. Keeping myself occupied is the only way I’m ever going to be able to stay away from her.

Today is the day of Elle’s baby shower. I’ve been running around all over town, picking up balloons and decorations, floral centerpieces, baby gifts and a beautiful cake. I have a smile plastered on my face, even though I’m miserable without him. It’s been over a week since I let Alex walk out of my life and since my father passed away. The truth is, I’m barely functioning. I’ve barely slept or eaten. Every day, I have to force myself not to pick up the telephone and call him. I’m fighting an inner battle to stay away from him and it’s just painful. I do my best to occupy my time with greeting guests and making sure that everything is running smoothly.

I get emotional at Elle’s reaction when she walks into the restaurant with Victor. I can tell that she’s totally surprised. Whatever Victor told her to get her here worked perfectly. She’s absolutely shocked. She looks adorable in a simple pale green maxi dress and tan sandals.

“I can’t believe you did this for me,” she squeals, pulling me into an embrace.

“Of course! We’re family, remember?” I reply. I’m feeding off her excitement, and for the first time in days, I genuinely feel happy. I love seeing Elle interacting with guests and opening her mountain of baby gifts. She’s living a fairytale and she deserves it. I’m so happy for her, and yet, a tiny part of me feels a pang of envy. Not because I want her life, but because I want my own idea of a happily ever after, and my heart is telling me that Alex was the key to that dream. Elle’s been great in helping me deal with my father’s death. She’s been there for me every step of the way, and not once has she brought up anything having to do with me or Alex. I love her for that.

I’m sitting in the back of the room, watching Gemma hand Elle gift after gift, when I hear a familiar voice call my name. I turn my head to see Lucia, Alex’s mom, taking an empty seat next to me.

“Can we talk for a minute?” she asks.

I’m shocked that she’s even talking to me. I’ve had very few interactions with her, besides shopping for Elle’s wedding dress, and a couple family functions. I don’t particularly care for her after hearing about her treatment of Alex, and for the hell that she put Elle through, but as much as I’d like to blow her off, I’m more curious as to what she possibly has to say to me. “Sure, what can I do for you?”

“I wanted to talk to you about Alex.”

I’m almost certain that she can see the shock as it hits my face. She’s clearly piqued my interest. “What about Alex?”

She gives me a hesitant smile. “I stopped by his house yesterday and he told me you two were no longer together.”

I wasn’t even aware that his mother knew we were together. I’m not sure how to reply, so I opt for telling her the truth. “No. We had a fight and now we’re over.”

She nods her head. “He loves you. Do you know that?”

I shake my head. “No. I think that maybe he could have loved me, but I ruined that.”

She reaches over and grabs my hand in a comforting way, stunning me once again. Why does this woman, who has never really been the best parent to Alex, care so much about our relationship? “That’s not true. He does love you and it’s not too late to fix whatever you think is ruined.”

“I’m no good for him. We have nothing in common and he deserves better than me. Someone who can accept his love easily.”

She hesitates for a minute but I swear I see something wash over her face. It’s as though she was weighing her words, choosing them wisely, and then finally decides to speak. “You know, I just had a conversation with your mother a few minutes ago.” Again my interest is piqued. I didn’t notice her and my mom having a heart to heart. “Jordan, you and my son have way more in common than you may think,” she says.

“With all due respect, I’m not so sure about that.”

“Come outside with me for a couple of minutes. There’s something I want to tell you in private.” I nod and follow her outside, not knowing that she’s about to blow my mind.

It’s funny how one conversation can change your entire perspective. After the baby shower, I stayed behind at the restaurant to clean up. I went home, took a quick shower and hopped in my car. Now, I’m standing in front of Alex’s house, trying to convince myself to push the doorbell. I’m terrified, but I need to do this. I need to see him and hopefully fix what I managed to break in our relationship. After speaking to his mother earlier, I realized that Alex and I are cut from the same cloth, both products of divorce, both brought up in households full of secrets and lies. The only difference is that Alex doesn’t know all the secrets that his mother holds close, and she made me promise not to reveal them to him until she’s ready. It’s a difficult promise to keep because I want him to know what drove his mother to behave the way she has all this time, but at the same time, it’s not my truth to tell.

I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell, praying that this conversation goes my way. The door opens and I come face to face with Alex. He looks surprised to see me but, holy hell, he looks gorgeous. His hair is disheveled. He’s barefoot and wearing a white t-shirt with dark jeans that sit low on his hips.