Desperation of Love (19 page)

“Shh, baby. I know, I know,” he murmurs softly.

“Please don’t leave me. Please,” I beg.

“Hey,” he says, cupping my face. “I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, okay? It’s always just you and me.”

I nod through my tears and burrow my face into his neck. “I can’t believe it. This isn’t real.”

His arms come around me again like steel beams holding me together. “I know, baby. I’ll take care of you.”

“Jordan?” I look up and see my mom standing there, looking down at me with tears in her eyes. Here I am lost in my own world of pain, oblivious to the fact that she’s lost the love of her life—twice.

“Oh, Mom. I’m so sorry,” I cry, standing up and pulling her into an embrace.

“I know, baby. I am too.” We hold each other like this for a long time, supporting each other. When we break apart, Elle is right there, pulling me into her arms. It feels surreal, like I just can’t find any reason in any of it, nothing seems right. When she lets me go, I find myself right back in Alex’s arms, feeding off his energy to sustain myself.
He’s gone
. The words repeat in my head over and over again until they no longer make any sense.

I’m not quite sure how much longer we’re at the hospital, but once Alex makes sure I’m not on the verge of a nervous breakdown, he gets me out of there and back to the hotel. I spend some time with my mom in her room while Alex picks up dinner, and once we’ve picked at our food, he takes me back to our room.

He goes into the bathroom and I can hear the shower start. I just stand in the middle of the room, frozen stiff, not knowing where to go or what to do next. He comes back and guides me into the bathroom, stripping himself until he’s naked then helping me do the same. We get in the shower and he positions me under the spray, letting the warm water loosen up my muscles as he washes this hellish day off my skin. While he massages my scalp, I let myself get lost in the sensation, letting my mind go blank, just enjoying how he makes me relax.

When he’s finally finished, Alex pulls me out of the shower and towels me dry. He helps me into my robe, which I don’t remember packing. I can only imagine Elle and Victor brought it up, or maybe they had Rob do it. He runs the towel through my hair until it’s as dry as it’s going to get then he tosses it on the floor. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the bedroom, only letting me go to pull down the covers. He doesn’t bother with pajamas. He just jerks his chin toward the bed, his silent cue for me to get in. I crawl in as he turns off the lights and settles in next to me. His arms circle my waist, pulling me closer to him until there’s no distance between us.

I think about how this day has unfolded. How it began with me being hopeful and culminated in being hopeless in a matter of hours, leaving me feeling empty and desolate. No matter how firmly I hold on to the man lying next to me, no matter how close I try to get, it’s just not enough to fill the void.

I turn around and face him. I can barely make out his features in the darkness, but the warmth that radiates from him is unmistakable. “Alex,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah, baby?” he replies, stroking my hair.

“Make love to me.”

He stops his hand and just stares at me for a moment. “Jordan, you’ve been through hell today.”

“Please. I need you. I need to feel alive and you’re the only one who can do that for me.”

“Baby—”

“Don’t make me beg.”

He doesn’t move. He just looks at me, as if he’s trying to read my body language, measure if I’m alright or completely out of my mind. He comes to some sort of conclusion, one that falls in my favor, because he leans in and puts his lips on my forehead, giving me a soft kiss. His hands travel down to the sash holding my robe together. He unties it then opens the robe up so that I’m completely bared to him. My legs fall open as he positions himself between them. The gentle kisses he places on my lips and neck start to awaken the desire in me, and as my body starts to move with his, I can feel him growing harder. It doesn’t take long before we’re both ready for more and he knows it. He reads my body perfectly. He enters me so slowly it’s almost painful, but once he’s there, seated deeply inside me, the void I felt earlier evaporates. Nothing else matters. There is no pain, no loss, and no guilt. It’s just me and him, always me and him, just like he promised. Alex starts to move slowly. I want to tell him to go faster, but I can sense his uncertainty about taking me when I’m in an emotional upheaval, so I don’t. I accept what he’s willing to give, and right now he can only give me slow and careful. I rock my hips in time with his and grab onto his back, pulling him as close to me as I can. I can feel my climax slowly building, and he increases his pace ever so slightly until it finally hits. It’s a dangerous way to fill up the emptiness, addictive, but I don’t care. I need this feeling of euphoria that washes over me whenever we connect. Even if it’s just for a minute, it’s enough. It has to be enough.

As my body comes down from its high, Alex brushes the skin under my eye with his thumb, and I realize that he’s wiping away tears that I didn’t even realize had fallen. “Don’t cry,” he pleads, quickly pulling out of me.

I shudder at the loss. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I was crying.”

“You’re going to be okay, Jordan. I’m right here with you,” he says, pulling me into his arms. “We’ll get through it together.”

I let go of what little control I have left and allow myself to cry freely. Alex holds me, stroking my hair and back while whispering soothing words into my ear. I don’t know how long we lay like this with me sobbing uncontrollably, but eventually I drift off to sleep, hoping that tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling a little less numb.

It feels good to finally be home. Sleeping in a hotel and spending all of your free time within the confines of a hospital is exhausting. Alex brought me straight home a few days ago, since I had to check all my work emails and finish up some outstanding projects. He’s been staying with me ever since. He never leaves me alone for long, but this morning he left to check on construction at the recording studio, and then he’s hitting the gym. The funeral was a few days ago. Alex was with me every step of the way, standing with me, holding my hand while people offered their condolences, and making sure that I had time to myself whenever I needed it. I still find it hard to believe that my dad is gone. Even though getting through his funeral was difficult, I’m relieved that it’s over. All that’s left to do now is to slowly pick up the pieces and put myself back together.

I’m in the kitchen, making myself a cup of coffee, when the doorbell rings. I make my way to the front door and look through the peephole to see Mark standing on the other side with his head down. This is the last thing I want to deal with right now, but my car is in the driveway so he knows I’m home. My only option is to open the door and try to get rid of him as quickly as possible.

I open the door and give him a hesitant smile. “Hey, what are you doing here?” I really am surprised to see him. After the showdown with Alex, I honestly thought I’d never see Mark again. He walks past me, moving toward the living room, then turns back around to face me.

“I heard about your dad. I just wanted to drop by and see how you were doing and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I stopped by a couple days ago but you weren’t home, so I thought I’d try you today.”

“That’s really nice of you, Mark. Thank you. It’s been tough and I’m sad, but I’m feeling a little bit better every day.”

He nods his head and gives me a slight smile. “I’m glad that you’re feeling better. I know you weren’t that close, but I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.” He looks around the house, his gaze wandering across the open layout. “Your boyfriend here?”

I shake my head. “No, Alex had to go to work. But he should be back soon.” I’m not sure why I throw that in there but something is telling me that it’s important to establish that Alex is returning, nothing has changed, and I’m still unavailable to him.

He puts his hand on his hips and lowers his head. He stays that way for a while. It’s making me uncomfortable because I know what’s coming. He lifts his head and his eyes are warm. I can see the love in them as he looks at me longingly. “I thought if I gave you space, you’d eventually come back to me. I thought you’d miss me and realize how good we were together.”

Yup, this is the last thing I want to be discussing right now. I’m already struggling with the guilt about shutting my father out of my life, and now I have Mark throwing his feelings in my face. I knew I broke his heart. That was never a surprise. The surprise is that he hasn’t been able to move forward.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to, not consciously, anyway.”

He crosses the room, stopping just a few feet away from me. “Do you love him?”

I don’t hesitate to answer him. “Yes,” I reply, and it’s the truth. Just because Alex doesn’t know it yet, doesn’t make it any less real.

“Why him and not me?”

God, I hate this line of questioning. How does one answer a question like that? Is there even a right answer? One that won’t hurt him even further? I shrug my shoulders. “He just gets me in a way that no one else does.”

“I would have tried,” he says with a tilt of his head.

“That’s just it. He doesn’t have to try, he just does.”

He gives me the sad smile that I’ve gotten used to over the past year. “Alright. I’m sorry to have brought any of this up. It’s really not why I came here. I just want you to be happy, and now that I know you are, I won’t be back.”

“Mark.”

“No, Jordan, I’m good,” he says coming closer to me. “Now give me a hug so I can get out of here.”

I comply with his request. There’s no harm in hugging him goodbye if he really means what he says. I let his arms circle around me and pull me into a tight embrace. It’s awkward, uncomfortable even, because I don’t feel for him what I used to. A hug from Alex is enough to ignite me. With Mark, I feel nothing. I start to back away, but before I can, his lips are on mine. I’m stunned for a moment, but the clicking sound of the front door opening startles me out of my shocked state. I quickly pull away from Mark and turn to see Alex standing in the doorway, looking nothing short of murderous.

“Am I interrupting something?” he says, glaring at Mark. I’ve never seen Alex look so cold and angry before. It’s intimidating. I open my mouth to speak but Mark gets there before me.

“I was just leaving.” He turns to me. “I really am sorry about your dad.”

I say nothing. I just watch him walk past me and stop where Alex is standing. “Take care of her. She deserves it,” he says.

Alex says nothing and Mark doesn’t wait. He walks out and closes the door behind him, effectively closing me in here with a furious Alex.

“Alex,” I say, walking up to him. “It’s not what you think.”

He stares at me for a moment before walking away from me. He hangs his keys on the hook and tosses his gym bag by the door. He walks past me and heads for the stairs.

“Alex,” I call out, hating that he’s mad at me. I understand why he’s upset but he needs to know that nothing happened. “Please talk to me,” I plead.

He turns around and comes back to me.

“Did you fuck him?” he asks, anger dripping from his voice.

I’m not sure why the question makes me mad, but it does. It’s not like I can’t see why he would ask. It’s a perfectly acceptable question under the circumstances, but I’m in such a state of dismay and this is the last thing I need to hear. I don’t even think about it before I react. It’s like I have no control over my own actions. The sound of my palm connecting with his cheek is what finally brings me out of my own head. I’m shaking now as I look at him. His eyes are wide with a scary mixture of disbelief and anger. I stumble backwards, not only afraid of what he may do to me, but shocked that I actually hit him.

“That’s a good idea. Back away from me.” His voice is slow and unsteady. He’s clearly trying to get himself under control and I pray that he does. I’ve never been physically afraid of him before, but he looks like he’s on the edge of breaking.