Destined to Play, Feel, Fly Trilogy (15 page)

‘Anyway, I’m thrilled that you are finally on your path of self-discovery. It means my plan is working exactly as I anticipated.’

‘Oh dear, there is nothing more ominous than you with a plan, Jeremy.’

‘Don’t sound so cynical, sweetheart. Look how far you have come already and we still have so far to go.’ He is just teasing me, I’m sure, although his reply is a little too enthusiastic to
instil a large degree of confidence in my assumption. ‘Just out of interest, did you ever end up exploring the psychology of your hypotheses first-hand, like we discussed?’

‘No, Jeremy, I didn’t and besides, you would have known about it if I had.’

‘Oh, why is that?’

‘Do you really need to ask me that? As if I would do anything like that with anyone other than you.’

‘I can’t tell you how much that pleases me, Alexa, in so many ways.’ I’m not one hundred per cent sure what his comment implies but I am one hundred per cent sure I want to move away from this conversation, quickly.

‘Okay, far be it from me to put a dampener on this journey you have so carefully planned for me.’ I finish my coffee and place the empty container on the table.

I really need to use the bathroom after my coffee. This is going to be awkward. I can’t believe I have to ask him; it is so embarrassing. It is at these times that being dependent is just plain awful. But what choice do I have?

‘No problem, just in here.’ He guides me through a door. His hand threads through my legs and pulls a zipper down around my bottom, between my legs and up toward my belly. I can’t honestly believe he has just done that.

‘The toilet is right behind you. Oh, and don’t worry about your knickers. They’re French, for easy access.’ I can hear the smile in his voice.

‘I’ll leave you to it and wait outside.’

Is there one minutia of detail he hasn’t considered this weekend? Anything left unaccounted for? Probably not, he has always been a meticulous planner and obviously those skills have only been more finely tuned over the years. Zips and French knickers. Good grief! I wonder whether they are for convenience such as this, or did he have something else in mind? The thought shudders through me as I make myself focus on the task at hand.

‘Right, all set?’ he asks.

I nod.

‘Great, come with me. Let’s get you harnessed up.’

Oh crap
, is all I can think.

My feet remain anchored to the ground as my stomach embarks on another roller-coaster ride of anticipation, fear, calm, fear, calm, fear, fear …

‘Harness …’ I ask hesitantly. ‘And that’s a statement, not a question,’ I add quickly for clarification.

He leads me silently and blindly forward. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll love it.’

‘Love it? Love what?’ My voice turns suspicious, as I cast around for something that I love that involves a harness. I draw a blank.

Straps are placed over my shoulders as I hear ‘click, click’. I feel rough hands around my legs doing the same thing; around my waist, ‘click, click’. It’s all I can hear as my anxiety rises.

‘Jeremy?’ They don’t feel like his hands. I can smell stale cigarettes.

‘How does that feel, love?’ A strange man’s voice. I realise he is talking to me as one strap is pulled tighter and readjusted. I am tugged and pulled, clipped and then a final snap.

‘That’s better,’ the voice says. ‘Looks like you’re both set. Don’t worry, love, you’ll be right once you get into the swing of it. It’s only the first part that’s shit scary.’ He laughs and pats my shoulder as if to reassure me. My voice leaves my throat and is unable to protest that I can’t see through these sunglasses, just as my legs begin to liquefy. Swing of it? Shit scary for the first part? Although my mouth is attempting to shape the words, there is no sound forthcoming. I desperately try to make sense of what is happening minus the visual stimulation. I have clothes on; that has to be good, doesn’t it? But the zips, the access between my legs, the straps, the clips, they are all very, very worrying. My mind is filled with images of wild sex games and orgies. How could he? Why would he? This is going too far. I can’t do this, I will never do this … It is not who I am. My breath is shallow and my mind freezes as panic sets in.

I hear someone’s voice.

‘Alex?’ It is in the distance somewhere. My knees buckle as my head spins and I struggle for air. I crumple toward my feet and am caught before I hit the ground.

‘God, AB, are you alright?’

‘No, I am not alright at all.’ I’m not sure whether my mind or voice speaks the words.

‘Just take your time, breathe.’ Strong arms around me keep me walking somewhere as my legs wobble beneath me. ‘It’s okay, I’ve got you, that’s it, one step at a time.’

Yes, one step at a time, that’s right, stop the feeling, stop the spinning. Good advice, my mind confirms, as we continue up some steps and along a little further.

‘Here, sit down, would you like some water?’ I’m lowered onto a hard, cushioned seat.

Yes, water, good idea.

‘Alexa, water?’

I have already said yes, then I realise it’s my mind talking so maybe he hasn’t heard me. I nod my head. I feel water at my lips and take a sip, then some more. I need to prolong this to gain control over my head and stomach, and tell Jeremy we need to stop what we are doing.

Take a deep breath …
My stomach is still churning but the dizziness is leaving me, thanks to the oxygen.

‘Keep breathing. Good, that’s better,’ a voice says, although I’m unsure whether it is the man’s or Jeremy’s.
Breathe in, breathe out, air in, air out
, I say to myself in concentrated effort.

‘Alex, please answer me, are you okay? Can you hear me? I’m not sure what happened to you.’

‘I, I’m, I’m a little …’ I hear a door close nearby. Sound becomes muffled.

‘It’s alright, I’m here, right beside you, sweetheart. Honestly, I won’t leave you.’ Something in his tone is mildly reassuring.

‘I can’t, I …’ Words still find it very difficult to follow the path from my brain to my lips. I take another sip of water. I hear another click around my waist and it sends me off. ‘I’m not going to be harnessed up in the air in some kinky sex machine, Jeremy.’

My voice is hoarse, frantic. ‘This needs to stop. How could you? With some man smelling of tobacco. I can’t believe you would ever put me in this situation. You can’t, I won’t.’

I feel tears welling up inside me and I swallow hard in an attempt to keep them there.

‘It’s too much, you have pushed me too far.’

‘Alex.’ Jeremy places his arm around my shoulders. ‘Is that what you’re thinking? What you thought I wanted you to do?’

Tears erupt and my shoulders shake. ‘I can’t, Jeremy, I won’t. I’m just not like that.’ I sob out the words.

‘Sweetheart, I’m not asking you to. This is meant to be fun for you, not something that makes you upset.’

‘How can it not, Jeremy? Look at me, I’m a mess.’

I hear engines roar into life, a propeller, movement.

‘What? We’re on a plane?’ I ask incredulously as the slow turning stops and we accelerate suddenly forwards. The force pushes my body back into the seat until suddenly we are swept off the ground and the atmosphere cradles the plane as it climbs higher and higher. My tears stop in their tracks. I throw Jeremy’s arm off my shoulder and swing my fist into where I assume his chest would be as hard as I possibly can.

‘You bastard,’ I screech. He catches my wrist just before full impact. ‘You absolute bastard!’ Holding my fist in his hand, he replaces his arm around my shoulder once again, anchoring me into the seat, knowing I am desperate to lash out toward him again. I can feel his body convulsing with silent laughter. I could explode as I struggle against him. His arms assert their strength and restrain me further.

‘Come on, AB, I can’t help it if you have a dirty mind. I thought we were just taking a plane ride and here you are, thinking about a kinky sex machine? You’ll have to share with me exactly what you had in mind …’

‘Oh, shut up, Jeremy, just shut up.’ He is in absolute hysterics, laughing uncontrollably. I snatch my arms away from him and fold them together defensively.

I don’t answer him. I am furious, deceived, embarrassed.

I can’t answer him, as I am honestly not sure of the answer myself. Where had the thought come from in the first place, why had my mind automatically leapt to that conclusion above all others? That has to be of concern.

As Jeremy is lost in wild hysterics, I take the opportunity to elbow him sharply in the ribs, causing him to choke on his laughter. This makes me feel a little better as I am seething from the inside out. I decide enough is enough with the glasses, the barriers covering my eyes, and desperately hope the potency of the drops has worn off. I quickly move my hand to peel the glasses off my face when just as quickly my hands are, yet again, snatched away from me. Is he ever not watching me?

‘Don’t you dare, Alex. We went through this last night and you know exactly what will happen.’ He pins both my wrists together in his one hand as if he is perfectly content to sit the rest of the journey this way. No remorse. No apology. I seethe in silence for what seems like ages.

His tone lightens again as he snuggles his face into my neck, the humour returning to his voice.

‘You must admit though, it is pretty funny.’

I can’t believe him.

‘There is absolutely nothing funny about it,’ I respond defiantly.

‘But did you honestly think … honestly believe …’ He begins to laugh again. The look on my face must be enough to make him stop short and compose himself. ‘Obviously you thought it was something really bad. I’ve never seen you react that way … you were trembling.’ He pauses, softens his tone. ‘It’s really important to understand how and why you are going through these emotions. It’s all part of the process. You’ll learn so much about yourself,’ Jeremy says more seriously.

Condescending prick
is the only thought that enters my mind at his words, regardless of any potential truth in them.

‘Was it really that scary for you? Was the fear too much?’

‘I don’t want to do this any more, Jeremy. Please don’t make me. I can’t take it any more, I’ll have a heart attack.’

‘Then it is lucky for you I’m a doctor and I’ll save you. Besides, you are in perfect health.’

‘Perfect health means nothing under these conditions, and besides that, how on earth would you know?’

At this point, I feel a sudden gush of wind and am deafened by a forceful roar.

What now? I am being tugged and pulled again, clipped and checked.

‘You haven’t guessed yet?’ Jeremy is screaming into my ear above the blast of wind and engine noise. ‘We’re skydiving, just like we did on your twenty-fifth birthday! Remember, you tried to renege on that, too, but you loved it once you did it.’ Given the noise of the engines and the rush of air surrounding me, I know he isn’t joking. Relief, fear and excitement flow rapidly through my veins. I shake my head in disbelief.

‘I need to make sure you have enough adrenaline pumping through your system so you have energy for later!’ he shouts. There is both cheekiness and sincerity in his words.

‘Well, this ought to well and truly achieve that,’ I say nervously. ‘But blind …?’

‘All part of the process.’

I desperately grip hold of Jeremy, standing attached to me and try to brace myself within the plane as I scream toward his voice. ‘Just because I’ve skydived before,’
and loved it
, I admit privately, ‘doesn’t mean I want to do it again, right now. Not like this!’

The pressure of his body intensifies, pushing me forward, and I know the moment to jump is near.

‘Okay Alexa. Three, two, one …’

I am flung into the air. We are tumbling, tumbling, tumbling as air penetrates every orifice of my face, snatching my breath from my lungs and causing my stomach to somersault. Suddenly, my arms and legs are forced by pressure to their extremities, coerced outwards. The noise of the wind quickly overtakes the continuing distancing of engines. All sounds of man-made engineering rapidly vanish as we fly free.