Determination (11 page)

“Ma’am, you’ll most like feel differently once your daughter’s born. We won’t make any such decisions right now.”

“Charlie’s the one who wanted to have a child. Not me. I agreed to having a baby to make him happy, and I knew he’d make a great father. I’m not raising a child alone.” She groaned and started pushing again.

“I’ll help you,” Grandma said.

“Raise it yourself, then.”

Roxie wished Mom would stop verbally stabbing her in the heart. She felt a need to run away and cry, but at the same time shock and abject horror rooted her in place. Her brain hadn’t quite wrapped around being rejected so quickly by her mother. She couldn’t believe her mother hadn’t even tried to love her.

Grandma looked at the nurse, who was by a phone, paging more staffers over. “Is there anything safe you can give her to help her calm down?”

“She doesn’t need anything. She’s understandably afraid, and she’s also dealing with terrible news. It’s common for soon-to-be moms to feel thoroughly convinced that they can’t do motherhood.”

Grandma gave her a conceding nod. Roxie wondered if Grandma been scared while giving birth to her son.

“Things usually change once the baby’s born. I wouldn’t worry. Give Dana a chance to bond.”

The memory jumped into fast-forward again as Mom labored with three medical professionals and Grandma hovering over her. Roxie sagged against the wall and tightened her grip on Sekiro’s hand.

Sekiro gave her a reassuring squeeze. “The memory’s almost over.”

“Good. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“Now you see why I kept asking to make sure you wanted to do this.”

“I don’t know if I regret it or not yet. My brain’s still trying to wrap around everything my mom said.”

The memory zoomed right through the moment Roxie was born. She caught a mere glimpse of her pink, bloody body right before the doctors swaddled her and whisked her away. Grandma disappeared as well, leaving Mom sleeping by herself on a gurney without stirrups. Her stomach was flatter, and she still had an IV and EKG hooked up to her. The memory slipped back into realtime and Mom opened her eyes.

The room was quiet, still, and quite cold. The shade was drawn over three-quarters of the window, letting a modest amount of sunlight into the room. Mom scanned the room, glanced at the empty doorway, and then studied her IV drip. She reached up and twisted a lever that cut off the drip, then pulled off the tape in the crux of her elbow. She took out the needle as well and tossed everything over the side of her gurney. She flipped aside her blankets and slid off. Her fuzzy sock-covered feet touched the floor without a sound, and a hand shot to her groin once all her weight settled on her feet. She gripped the gurney for support and stood there a while, until the worst of the pain subsided. Mom straightened up and located the off switch on the back of the EKG then unwound the tape from around her finger and removed the clip, letting gravity find a place for them on the floor.

Mom approached the doorway one silent step at a time. She passed Roxie and Sekiro outside of arm’s reach, billowing wisps of hair bouncing with every step. Her proximity sent chills down Roxie’s spine and made goosebumps form all over her body. This woman was supposed to be someone she loved, yet she couldn’t seem to feel anything but afraid. Her mother was up to something. Roxie wondered if she was trying to sneak out of the hospital so she wouldn’t have to take Roxie home with her. She moved past the wall so she could keep her mother in view.

Mom reached for the doorknob but stopped, her tired face tight with fast thinking. She withdrew her hand and turned for the bathroom door sitting perpendicular to the room’s entrance.  She walked inside and slowly closed the door behind her. It rattled, then fell still with the metallic clank of a lock falling in place.

Roxie glanced at Sekiro, who gave a slight shake of her head.

“You don’t want to see what happens next.”

Roxie studied the grain pattern of the door, filled with a sense of foreboding. She sent her mind vision into the bathroom, but saw only physical objects, and she flinched when glass shattered from within. “What’s going on?” She switched her sword to her shield hand, reached for the door and wrenched it open. Mom stood before the bathroom sink, studying the shards lying all over the sink and floor, and a few still stuck in the mirror’s frame. “Mom, what are you doing?” she said, despite herself. She very well understood what was unfolding, even though her brain was screaming with denial. Her mom would never do such a thing. Couldn’t. Roxie had this glorified image of her mother she’d clung to her entire life, an image that didn’t allow for such a selfish death.

Mom picked up a choice large shard from the sink and walked into the stand-in shower, heedless of the shards she stepped on. She turned around and nonchalantly plopped to the bottom of the stainless steel stall.

“Mom, stop!” She drew closer, desperate to stop things, even though she knew she was powerless to do so.

“Roxie, you can’t change things,” Sekiro said.

“It’s just a memory. I know. I can’t help it.”

Mom brought the shard over one wrist and Roxie’s insides squirmed as she felt the color drain from her face. Mom sliced her wrist with one swift jerk and blood began gushing out. “Mom, stop! This is so wrong!” Mom sliced her other wrist. “
Stop
! I can’t take this anymore!”

The bathroom darkened as if someone had turned off the light. Roxie took her sword back in her right hand, dropped into a defensive stance, and started hyperventilating. She needed to get out the bathroom. That was all she could take. On top of that, she had a feeling she’d be in trouble if she stayed any longer. Someone very angry was hiding in the darkness, someone that wanted to be left alone, someone that would attack if its wishes were not observed. Hoping to respect those wishes, she slowly backed out of the bathroom and into the modest lighting of the birthing room, her whole body shivering.

Once Roxie got her breathing back under some semblance of control, she said, “Sekiro, I don’t think we should stay here any longer. I don’t think I should try to talk to her.”

“Talk to whom?” a voice from the darkness said.

Roxie jumped. It was her mother’s voice, but she hadn’t expected to hear it.

Mom more floated than walked out of the darkness and stood in the bathroom’s doorway, coldness and rage emanating from her. She had blood all over her arms, hospital gown, and all up one side and in her hair as if she’s lay in a pool of her own blood. Her face, looking so much like Roxie’s, was ashen and gaunt.

Roxie took a step back and said nothing, afraid she’d vomit if she’d opened her mouth. It wasn’t the blood and gauntness. It was the memory of watching her mother slice both her wrists.

Mom took a step forward, bringing the darkness with her. She was like Medusa with darkness for snakes. “Answer me!”

Roxie flinched again. Should she run or stay? She didn’t see a reason to stay anymore, even though she had one shred of hope that she’d be able to form some sort of bond with her mother like she’d been able to with her father. Running seemed like the smarter option right now, even though she wondered if all she had to do was help her mother past her rage like she’d helped her father past his guilt.

Taking a deep breath, Roxie lowered her sword to her side and faced her mother. She had to try. If things failed, then at least she’d move on knowing she did everything she could. “To you.” If things went well and Roxie survived all this, including Nexus, she’d have to ask Grandma why she concealed Mom’s suicide. She didn’t blame Grandma for wanting Roxie to have a more positive image of her own mother, for hiding the rejection. But still, it was all a lie. She felt robbed of the truth, harsh as it was, and now she’d been clobbered upside the head with it.

“To me? What could you possibly want with me? Get out!” She took another step closer.

Roxie held her ground and braced herself, half expecting a shred of darkness to lash out and bite her like a snake. “I’m your daughter.”

Mom’s hard eyes widened. “You’re...?”

Chapter 7

Wrath and Scorn

“Your daughter.”
Come on. Say it. Please.

“You’re not an angel of death come to take me to a deeper circle of Hell?” She clenched her bloody hands into fists.

“No. I’m just your daughter. And an Aigis.” She sheathed her sword. She probably shouldn’t talk to her own mother with a weapon drawn. Sekiro whispered her reservations but Roxie shook her head. She also hoped such angels--if angels existed at all--didn’t do such things to lost souls. Her mother was human, no more perfect than anyone else. She’d made a bad decision and now she was creating her own hell; she didn’t need supernatural forces making her death worse.

Mom digested the information. The darkness hovered behind her shoulders. Roxie could barely make out the room doorway behind her. “Your grandmother should’ve made it perfectly clear that I don’t love you. Go away!”

Her mom’s words made Roxie felt sick to her stomach. She almost turned to leave, but she didn’t want to give up so easily. “I wanted to see you. To talk to you. I’ve loved you my whole life, even though I’ve never known you.” God, those words hurt so much right now. “Please spend just a few minutes with me.”

Mom gave her a thoughtful frown mixed with scorn and curiosity.

Roxie felt like she was her mother’s prey granted the mercy of a few last words before she devoured her. She swallowed, wondering if her mother would try to do anything. At this point she wouldn’t put it past her.

The darkness at Mom’s shoulders vanished like someone had used a dimmer to turn the lights up. The hospital room looked normal, no red tint in the sunlight. The hospital itself still felt creepy, and Mom’s presence did anything but make Roxie relax. Mom said, “Fine. I don’t know what you expect from me, but you’re not getting any motherly love.”

“Why do you hate me so much?” Those words made her feel even more nauseous. That was a question she never thought she’d ever ask her own mother. “I never did anything to you.”

“You. Stole.
Charlie
from me,” Mom said, exasperated. She held her fists tight at her sides.

“How?”

“Once we learned that you’d been successfully conceived, he started loving you more than me.” Mom began pacing around the room. She gave Sekiro one heavy glare, then proceeded to knock items off countertops and whatnot whenever she drew close to a loose object. “I can see it all so clearly now. Charlie married me just to have you. ‘Cause once my belly started swelling, he started talking to my belly more than me. Kissing my belly more than me. Bought gifts for what I was lugging around in my belly more than for me.”

“That’s not true,” Roxie said, her voice coming out small like a child’s.

Mom spun in place and gave her a maniacal grin that would’ve been complete if she’d had fangs. “And how would you know? You weren’t even born yet.”

“I met his soul in the spirit world right before I came to see you.”

“Oh, of course. See
him
first.” She threw her arms up, then continued her destructive tromp around the room.

“It wasn’t like that.”

Mom halted again. “Oh, really?”

“Sekiro is guiding me. I have to follow her lead or these sha--”

“Roxie!” Sekiro said, then stepped closer and more mouthed than whispered, “Don’t mention the shadow people.” She turned to Mom, who glared at them suspiciously. “Dana, I’m her Guide. I’m the one who decided to bring her to see Charles first. She had no say in the decision.”

Mom rolled her eyes, then began pacing back and forth in front of the partially drawn window. “What a convenient copout.”

Roxie flinched. “If you don’t even love me, then why do you care that I saw him first?”

Mom gave her a cold look. “It just confirmed my assumption that loving you would’ve been a waste of time and energy.”

“No, it wouldn’t.”

“Uh huh. Sure. You had me going when you told me that you wanted to talk to me. And then you really had me going when my attempt to scare you off failed. But no. Your dad took first place over me. Now it’s clear there’s no point, which is too bad.” She crossed to the foot of the disheveled gurney and stood there. “I did feel something for you after you were born, but it wasn’t enough. Charlie was my world. You were alive and he was gone. I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be with you. I did what I thought would reunite me with him. But now I’m stuck in this self-made hell and I don’t know why I can’t get out. Now go away!”

Roxie stood rooted in place. Her mother had more or less confessed that she’d felt a scrap of love towards her. That was all she needed to have some closure. She wanted to walk over and give her a hug. Heck, maybe that’s what she should do. Her mom had clearly buried her soul in bitterness and cynicism, a victim of her own lies to herself. Maybe she could help fix that and help her mom move on. “Dad didn’t know you were dead until I told him. He really broke down. He still loves you.”

Mom let out a bitter laugh. “Guess this mean’s we’re not soul mates since we’re not together in death. Those must’ve been fake tears.”

“They weren’t! You didn’t see him. He totally shut down. His Guide and I had to coax him out of it.”

Mom looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “Are you sure he was crying about me? Are you sure he wasn’t crying at the sight of his dead daughter, all lost and scared? Hm?”

Mom thinks I’m dead?
“I’m not--”

Sekiro held up a hand and shook her head. “Energy...”

Roxie thought a moment, then realized Sekiro was trying to protect her. She hastily revised her answer, focusing instead of figuring out how to get her parents back together. Even though they’d never be a whole family of three, it’d give her solace to know her parents were happily reunited in death. “He was crying about you. And me too, but that’s beside the point. He honestly still loves you.”

Mom glared at her with so much hate. The blood all over her smock and hair made it hard to hold her intense gaze. “Did he bawl my name over and over? Did he even say it once?”

Roxie tried to recall the fragments of conversation verbatim. “No. He’d...” She stopped talking, remembering he’d been so upset about her becoming an orphan. He’d never asked how Mom died or anything along those lines. He’d been so stuck in feeling guilty over never having been there for Roxie.
Oh, god.
Was her mom right?

“See? He loves you more than me. Now get out!” Mom gave her a dismissive wave, then stood over the gurney with her hands planted on the padding.

The energy in the room shifted from rage to sorrow. Mom’s hunched figure became enveloped in a ring of darkness that blocked the sunlight from filtering past her. Roxie’s heart wrenched for her mother. As poorly as she’d been treated by her, Roxie still wanted her to find happiness. She drew closer but stayed outside arm’s reach, just in case. Sekiro hovered next to her, face lined with worry. Roxie mustered her best soothing tone. “Mom, I still love you. I want you to be happy.”

“Then get out.”

“I want you and dad to be together.”

Mom whipped around to face her, her teary eyes full of shock. “Where... why?”

“I want to see you happy. I want to help you.” She meant it, too. It was so hard to bear all the hateful words her mother had spewed. Doing something to earn her mother’s love wasn’t ideal, but if it brought her soul peace, then it was worth it. Not exactly satisfying, but still worth it. She had to try.

Sekiro said, “Roxie, you can’t promise such a thing. You’re not a Numina.” She hesitated, then said, “Besides, his soul’s journey is at a different stage than hers.”

“Can’t you find another Numina to help her?”

“One will help her when she is ready.”

Mom’s face turned a livid red. She spoke in a dangerously low voice. “You led me on again?” The darkness surrounding her slowly swelled an inch at a time, growing as Mom’s anger escalated. “He died before me, without me. He died because of you. Died because he was in such a hurry to see you. Not me; you. If you’d never been conceived we’d still be alive and happily married. But now we’re apart because of you! Get out!” She pushed Roxie with both hands, but her force felt like nothing more than a thump on Roxie’s cuirass. She didn’t even come close to losing balance. However, when her mother’s eyes widened, she took a step back. “You’re alive,” she said in disbelief.

Sekiro stepped between Roxie and Mom, reached for Roxie’s shoulders and tried to turn her around. “Time to go.”

Roxie instead backed a few steps towards the door.

“Don’t go just yet,” Mom said, her poker face trying to hide a grin.

Sekiro turned, but stayed between mother and daughter.

Mom took one small step closer. “Two things,” she said, her intense gaze fixed on Sekiro. “First, how is she alive here?”

“We don’t know, but I’m trying to help her get out. Thanatos doesn’t appreciate her presence.”

“How interesting.” She slid another step closer. The other two took another step back. “Can’t you help me get out of here, too?”

“Only one soul per Numina. I’m sorry, no.”

Mom took a third step, her eyes full of rage. “Then get another over here. I’m sick and tired of being stuck in this hospital, sick and tired of reliving going through labor and dying over and over. I want out!”

Sekiro waved for Roxie to keep backing out of the room. “Roxie, we need to go now.” Her tone made it perfectly clear to not argue.

Roxie backed up slowly, torn between getting to safety or staying and trying to find another way to help her mother. This wasn’t the way she wanted to leave her.

Mom followed them. “Don’t you dare leave me behind to go through all that again! Get me my own Numina.”

Roxie stopped in the doorway. Sekiro bumped into her and gave her an angry look. Mom stopped just outside of arm’s reach. “Can’t you call one to her or something?”

Sekiro took a deep breath through her nose and exhaled open-mouthed. “Dana, there’s always at least one of us watching over you, waiting for you.”

“Stop watching and waiting and help me out of here instead!”

“We can’t help you until you want to be helped.”

“I do want to be helped!” Mom said, exasperated.

“Not like that,” Sekiro said calmly, “and you know it. You’ve already tried leaving this hospital on your own, but your soul gets sent back every time.”

“Yes, and I don’t know why.”

Sekiro hesitated, then turned her back on Mom. She more pushed than guided Roxie out into the hallway, which was dark and oppressive. It lacked the rage and anguish suffocating the birthing room, but it was equally discomforting a place. Two shadow people still stood guard down the hall, and a few more stood near the main junction. Several more blocked off the far end of the hall, which was a gloomy dead end. There was so little light everywhere.

“Tell me why!”

Sekiro gave Roxie a pained grimace. She whispered to her to get ready to run, then turned and faced Mom. “You already know why. You just refuse to accept it.”

Mom gave the Numina a murderous glare, then, with a snarl, lunged at her with both bloody hands.

Sekiro had barely reacted to the lunge when Roxie circled around her and threw her shield arm between her and her mother, whose hands went right through her, shield and all. She stopped with her cold hands clamped around Sekiro’s throat, the Numina’s hands grasping Mom’s wrists. They all held that triangle formation for a heartbeat, then Sekiro wrenched herself free and staggered out of reach, hands over her neck. Mom twisted her reach and clamped onto Roxie’s shield arm. Roxie gasped and her whole body went rigid.

“You are so full of energy,” Mom said with a wicked grin. “How nice of you to give your mother some.”

Roxie tried to pull away but, like before, her movements felt leaden, devoid of their superhuman strength and speed. Her arm swung outwards, but Mom easily swung with it and maintained her icy grip.

“I was wondering why your presence felt so... lively. You’re not going to survive long here.” Her form began to fill out as life poured back into her.

“Then let me go.” Roxie’s voice came out strained. “You’re killing me.”

Mom squeezed harder. Her grip wasn’t strong enough to crush Roxie’s arm, but it was almost strong enough to cut off blood flow. “And I would care why?” she said with a raised eyebrow.

Roxie wanted to vomit. The icy grip, the unrelenting emotional blows, and now the draining of her life energy into the most uncaring mother in the world--this was a horrible time to find her breaking point. She reached with her free hand and clamped onto one of Mom’s wrist. To her thin relief, her hand found a solid hold. She took a deep breath and pried off one of her mother’s icy hands.

Sekiro came around Roxie’s left side and shoved Mom in the shoulder. Mom toppled sideways and would’ve fallen if Roxie hadn’t been holding on to her. Mom kicked Sekiro in the stomach and the Numina dropped to the floor.

Sekiro gasped for breath and coughed several times. “Roxie, you have to get out of here.”

“I know,” Roxie said unhappily. She gazed at her mother, who gave her a closed-mouth smile as she continued leeching Roxie’s life energy. She began to feel cold on the inside. She held all her limbs taut, not wanting to give her mother the satisfaction of seeing how much Roxie had been weakened. “Let me go,” she said in a low voice.