Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (68 page)

As always, I sweep in for damage control and sit up in my chair. “He said ‘like’ Sarah, not specifically Sarah.”

Travis pins me with a ‘shut the fuck up’ look and I stop talking.

“Okay,” Ace concedes, tossing his beer in the trash. “I’m going to bed. I told Rae I’d be home early to give her a break from Decklan and Lacey. Hayden, you’re home early, too. If I leave without you, Rae will withhold Super Sunday sex.”

“Super Sunday sex?” Travis asks. He realizes too late that he shouldn’t have.

“Yep,” Ace replies quickly, “Joseph takes Deck to church on Sunday mornings.”

“Oh, God,” Trav returns.

“I get Rae any way I want her and don’t have to worry about kids walkin’ in, where Deck’s at, or whatever else keeps me from her. Super Sunday sex is the shit. It gets me through ’til Wednesday when Joseph takes Deck to his religion classes.”

“You wait that long? Sunday to Wednesday? I would’ve never guessed.” I’m really surprised.

“Fuck no. It’s just the other days of the week I can’t have both hands on her. One is usually over her fuckin’ mouth. She’s loud as fuck.”

Surprised no more.

Travis’s face is still scrunched with disgust. “You get that’s not something we all need to hear about, right?”

“Then don’t worry yourself with Super Sunday sex,” he answers. “I’m out. Gonna call Rae before she goes to bed.”

Travis and Toby start to follow Ace but Travis stops and sits next to me, waiting for the others to go inside.

“I said nothing,” I tell him, putting my hands in the air and referring to Sarah.

“There is nothing to have been said. What the fuck is Toby on about, though? That fucker want me dead or what?”

“Toby’s not a drinker. He had maybe four beers, which is a lot for him. Let it go.”

“I’m goin’ in. You?”

“I’m hanging here.” I open the cooler at my side and gesture. “I’ve got a couple more. Beer won’t go to waste because you pansy asses can’t hang like you used to.”

“You’re going to make this right with Lace, aren’t you? Either you’re in or you’re out, Hayden. She can’t take much more. None of us can.”

I stand, offering a side-arm hug in reassurance. “I’m in, Travis. If she’ll have me, I’m in. I meant what I said. I love her.”

“You love a woman. One woman. God help her then.”

“True that, Trav. Go get some sleep; I may need help with some desperate groveling tomorrow.”

* * *

The rest of the night, I sit alone near the light of the diminishing fire, contemplating how the next phase of my life will go.

I think a lot about my mom. All these years, I thought she was somewhere else living the life she wanted without us in it. When I was a kid and couldn’t sleep at night, I used to look out my window and wonder if she ever thought about me. I was curious to know if she regretted the decision to leave or if she ever thought about coming back. I wondered if she was watching me from a distance, keeping tabs on how many base hits I’d made or how many times the little league coach slapped my shoulder with his congratulations. I realize now, after all I’ve learned about what happened, that she probably
was
watching me, and I
will
see her again, but not in this life.

My dad’s decision to keep her death from me was a selfish one, whether he ever admits this or not. Granted, I understand his need to protect me, but to keep it from me all of my adult life was unquestionably the wrong thing to do. I’m thankful he’s healthy and sober. I’m more thankful he’s healing in ways he never let himself heal before; ways I never knew he had yet to heal. I’m relieved he won’t miss getting to know his granddaughter the way he missed knowing me as a kid.

History.

It all comes back to that in one way or another. We reflect on it more than we realize. We remember people, places, things, and feelings. We can’t change any of it and if we’re lucky, we don’t harbor too many regrets so we’re able to look back and be at peace with where we’ve been and who we’ve lost and gained along the way. Sometimes, though, it just takes a fuck of a long time to let the past go and make room for a promising future.

Lacey loves me.

I smile into the sun as it starts to make its way up the horizon. That little nut loves me, and hearing it from her
heart
the way I did makes me want to hear it every day for the rest of my life.

After letting go of a sad history, I’m determined I’m going to spend a future making her happy and making myself worthy of the love she’s given me without hesitation all this time.

You’re not what they say you are.
Those words changed me long before I wanted to realize they had.

That crazy woman is perfect for me. Deep down, I’ve known this but refused to admit it. Time and time again she’s amazed me with her crazy ways, her love of others, and her remarkable talent to make me see the man I could be; letting go of all the emptiness I’ve been swallowed in up until today.

Shutting my eyes, I get comfortable and take in the warmth the California morning sun offers. I’m going to my house later today and I’m going to ask Lacey to make it our home.

* * *

“Hayden.” The voice is distant, coming closer. “Hayden!”

Sitting up in my chair, I look behind me toward the house and see Travis coming at me in a dead run. I stand with nervousness. Something’s wrong. The sun is in full view and the temperature has risen. I grab my phone to check the time but find it’s dead.

Shit.

Once Travis reaches me, he pants breathlessly through his intended thought but fails. “Lacey . . . she’s in . . .” He bends over, bracing his hands to his knees and catching his breath.

“What the fuck!” Ace shouts from the house, motioning his finger in the air in a ‘let’s get going’ gesture.

“Travis, what’s wrong with her? Where’s Lacey?” Panic grips my chest as I wait for him to collect his thoughts. He should do more cardio; he’s worthless in a panic.

He stands, reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Baby’s comin’ now.”

Oh, fuck. Shit. No. “She’s not ready. She’s got weeks to go.”

Shaking his head, he grabs my bag near my chair. “Rae called. Lacey’s been trying to reach you for an hour, Hayden. She’s already at the hospital. We gotta go, man. Come on.”

Lacey went into labor. Of course I missed it.

Jesus fuck.

“Where’s Toby?” I don’t see him or his car in the driveway as we throw our bags in Trav’s Jeep.

“He left. He’s done this before; he knows how to calm a crazy woman. Lacey was hysterical when she couldn’t reach you. He’s headed there now to tell her we’re en-route.”

“Fuck.” I halt my movement. I look to Travis then to Ace who are both staring at me with concern. “I’m . . .”

Ace slaps the back of my shoulder. “Nervous?”

“Yeah. I need her to be okay.” Not only the baby, but Lacey.

Ace smiles and Travis groans his statement, “She’s fuckin’ fine, Hayden.” Slamming the back of the Jeep after putting our stuff in, he turns to us and reiterates, “See what I’m talkin’ about? These women make us fuckin’
crazy.
”

“It’s a good crazy, Trav. Get in,” Ace instructs, opening the back door and making room so he can slide in. Trav gets behind the wheel and starts the Jeep once I’m ready.

“Adelaide June,” I tell the others.

“Who the fuck is that?” Ace asks from the backseat.

“My girl.”

“Adelaide June? Jesus,” Travis sneers. “Do you not like her?”

“Lacey’s idea,” I tell the window as I watch the houses we pass.

“Well, fuck. Let’s talk her out of that. My first niece won’t be named Adelaide June.

What the fuck is that? Who thinks up shit like that?”

“My crazy girl does.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Hayden

ONCE AT THE hospital, Marlee greets us at the main entrance. She rushes toward me and grabs me around the waist, holding tightly. Nervous, I push her away and grip her arms, looking down on her small, perfect, little face.

“Tell me they’re okay.”

She grabs my cheek and squeezes it with affection. “They’re fine, Hayden. She’s waiting for you.”

“Let’s go then!” Trav snaps, coming in from behind me. He’s winded again. Trav dropped me off at the entrance before he and Ace went to park the car. Ace apparently didn’t follow Trav’s run.

“Wait.” I grab Marlee as she starts to walk away.

“What? What’s the matter?”

“I . . .” I don’t know what. “I look like Hell and smell worse. The guys and I . . .”

Marlee cuts me off, smirk in place, and hits my chest with her small hand with enough force I wince mildly before my eyes go wide. “Hayden.” Her head tilts to the side as though thinking of something sweet to say. “Lacey’s in labor. She’s soaking in her own fluid from the water breaking, and she’s cussing up a storm because she’s in so much pain every five minutes that she’s threatening to pull your daughter out on her own. She’s yelled at Toby three times because he has a dick. You could be dressed as Barney the dinosaur and it wouldn’t matter because in her eyes, honey, this is all your fault.”

“Oh, shit,” Travis says beside me.

We hear Ace before he makes it to us. “Are we done here? Hayden, let’s go.”

Following Marlee down the hall and up a flight of stairs has me winded. Not from physical exhaustion but because I’m nervous. I hadn’t had time to prepare for this today and I’d love nothing more than a minute alone, but it won’t happen.

“Did anyone call my dad?”

“I did. He’s on his way.” Marlee opens the doors to the maternity ward and puts her hand on my arm. “Relax, Hayden. She’ll need you to be calm.”

The waiting room is as I thought it would be.
Chaotic.
Rae’s dad, Joseph, is playing on the floor with the kids. Toby is sitting in the chair with Jordan in his arms as she cries loud enough for Decklan to send her a disgusted glare. Sarah is standing next to Toby’s chair listing her sage teenage advice on how to handle the screaming child.

Marlee takes my hand and introduces me to the nurse on duty while Travis and Ace leave me to help the others with the kids.

“You’ve got this, Hayden,” Marlee says, looking to the room Lacey’s in. “It’ll be okay.”

“I don’t know if I can . . .”

We listen as Lacey releases a blood-curdling scream from the room away. “Too late.”

As mentally prepared as I can be, I walk into the labor and delivery room to find Raegan sitting next to Lacey. Lacey’s hair is wet from the cloth Rae’s using to soothe her. Rae’s face is pale.

“Lacey, Hayden’s here.”

Lacey’s head comes to my direction and her eyes roll as she sits up, preparing for another labor pain. Her hand rests under her belly while the other clutches Rae’s hand. The nurse, an older lady with grey hair, a man’s body, and no personality, stands near her doing nothing.

I rush to the side of the bed Rae’s not on and grab a metal hospital chair, pulling it close. My hand darts to Lacey’s back and the other grabs her hand. She’s squeezing hard.

“What can I do?”

Rae’s eyes go wide. “Don’t talk, Hayden. That’s important.”

“Oh, my fucking God. This fucking hurts,” Lacey cries out. “Is she ready yet?” she asks the nurse now standing behind me, still doing nothing.

“No, honey. Breathe through it.”

I look to Rae across the bed and ask, “She can talk but not me?”

“Hayden.” Rae says my name like she’s preparing me for serious trouble. Lacey ignores us both.

“Only one of you two need to be in here. She needs to concentrate, and the doc is coming in to check her progress. Who’s staying?”

“I am,” I tell the room.

“I’ll go,” Rae says, nodding to the door and signaling for me to follow. I haven’t seen Rae since I hurt her in my anger and desperation. Now isn’t the time to apologize.

I get up to follow Rae out as Lacey takes a few needed breaths.

“She’s going to hurt your feelings.”

“What?” I ask not understanding.

“Whatever she says during the next few minutes or hours, don’t take personally.” I don’t say anything in response to Rae’s warning. I swallow hard and she smiles at my puzzled expression.

“You’ll be fine.”

“Are they going to do something for her pain?” I ask Rae. I’m too nervous to ask Lacey after Rae’s comment about her hurting my feelings.

“They will, but it’s not time yet.”

“Okay, thanks,” I reply as Rae kisses my cheek and turns to walk away.

Before she’s out of sight, she stops and turns around. Smiling wide, she says loud enough for the others in the hall to hear, “Hope you’re ready for this,
Daddy.
”

Mental note taken: Lacey has to find a new word when she’s not in the mood to fool around.

When I turn back to the room to see Lacey, I notice she looks tired but content. “You okay?”

“Comes and goes.”

“What do you need from me?”

“Candy.”

The no-name nurse clears her throat, cocks her eyebrow, and shakes her head.

“I don’t think they’ll let me bring in candy, Lace. Anything else?”

“Hayden . . .” Lacey says, her voice dropping as she grabs my hand. Her face turns red as the pain increases and a few minutes later she relaxes again.

“Maybe it’s time for the epidural. Scoot back, son. I’ll call Dr. Ames in.”

* * *

After an hour of watching the monitors report Lacey’s contractions and listening to her curse me and my cock for its mere existence, as well as her cries of anguish that she’s going to be a bad mother, the doctor finally tells her it’s time.

The epidural was a production all in itself. Lacey didn’t flinch once while they were administering her relief; she was in too much pain already from the violent contractions sweeping through her body.

I felt pain, too. My body hurt for hers. It’s no comparison, I know this, but being on the outside and helpless to do anything about it creates a different kind of ache.

“Lacey, we’re ready. Are you?”

“Oh, thank fucking Hell. Yes!” she responds, looking toward the ceiling with relief.

The nurse adjusts Lacey’s legs in the stirrups I hadn’t noticed were there and places the blanket over her thighs.