Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (69 page)

“You’re going to need to help her count, okay? That’s your job. That’s the one job you have.” I don’t like this woman wearing yellow ducks on her white scrubs, but I nod my compliance and understanding anyway.

“Hayden . . .” Lacey’s voice calls my attention. I turn to her and find her eyes watering but not from pain.

“Yeah?”

“I love you. I want you to know that before she gets here.”

Putting my hand on her forehead, I swipe the beads of sweat and her matted hair to the side, “I love you, too.” My voice croaks with the words, sincere and genuine as they are. “I love you, Lacey.” I give her a quick, hard kiss but don’t have the chance to say any more.

After I release her, the doctor tells her to start pushing. I do my part again and again, counting to ten as she pushes through it. I thought seeing Lacey with strep throat was achingly painful. This is so much worse.

“One more time, Lacey. Make it count,” the doctor tells her encouragingly.

Lacey’s eyes stay trained on mine as she gives it her all; certainty, determination, and resolve. The expression on her face also mirrors mine; worry, fear, and concern.

“She’s here,” we hear the nurse say.

Lacey lays her head back on the pillow, closing her eyes and allowing tears to freely fall. I stand to move closer to her and put my forehead on the side of hers. “You did good, Lacey. You did it.”

“Is she okay?”

“Ten fingers, ten toes, and lots of dark hair. Looks like her daddy from what I can tell. Either of you want to cut the cord?” the doctor asks, holding up a pair of scissors. I can’t see the baby in full view, but I take the scissors and cut the cord then bring my attention right back to Lacey.

“I don’t hear her. I should hear her screaming,” she says with exertion.

“Oh, you will.” Just as the doctor finishes wiping her face and suctioning her mouth and nose, my daughter screams. She screams loud and clear for a few long seconds.

I stand completely, let go of Lacey, and walk over to where the baby is. She’s pissed. Her face is red and her small arms are shaking with every breath she gathers to continue her rant.

She makes me breathless.

“She’s perfect, Lacey. Oh, God.” I lose my voice to a soft whisper as I continue to stare down at her. “So fucking perfect.”

I’m overwhelmed with emotions in meeting her for the first time. I ache to touch her small hands and run my finger down the arch of her little foot. Her fingers are pink and her nails are caked in white substance before the nurse cleans each, one after the other. Her toes are curled and her legs straighten then relax with each new burst of anger.

She’s so beautiful.

“What’s her name?” the nurse whispers. She’s watching me study my daughter for the first time.

Her eyes open and close briefly, her lips are still. I don’t want to break the news to my new girl yet. Addie is the only name I’ll call her,
if I’m forced.

“Olivia Merit,” I hear Lacey respond to the nurse’s question.

The name hits my chest with a familiar ease. “What did you say?”

“I’ve named her, Hayden. I decided this morning.”

“Olivia Merit.” I say the name out loud as the doctor walks to Lacey and places the baby on her stomach. I give Lacey a few seconds to examine her closely. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

Mom’s tears are streaming, one after the other as she touches parts of the baby here and there. Toes, fingers, ears, cheeks—one after the other. I reach to Lacey and wipe the tears from her chin and jaw. “Yes. I love the name and what it means to you.”

“I love you,” I tell her. “So fucking much. Thank you.”

For the first time since she held her, Lacey looks away from Olivia and to me. “You’re welcome.”

“I’m going to go update everyone. You okay in here for a few minutes? I’ll be quick.”

“Yeah, go. Tell them to go on home. I’m really tired, Hayden.”

The nurse chimes in with what’s coming next. “Mom needs to try to breastfeed. Then we’ll be taking little Olivia here for a bath while Mom’s moved to her new suite.”

“A bath?”

The nurse smirks at me, making it obvious I know nothing. “Yes. She needs one; looks like Daddy could use one himself.”

I look down at my clothes; I had forgotten what I must look like. “Right, okay.”

Kissing Lacey’s forehead then Olivia’s, I stand and walk out to find my friends and tell them what I never thought I would.

I have a
beautiful
baby girl.

* * *

When I open the door to the waiting room, the first person I see pacing the room is Raegan. Her thumb is in her mouth and she appears to be biting her nail with tension. When she catches me standing at the door, she rushes toward me in a frenzy of panic and anticipation.

“Finally! How is she?”

I don’t answer but look around the room at the others who stare at me, waiting for the news. I realize before speaking, this is the proudest moment of my life, and I can’t imagine not having all of them to share it with.

“She’s here. She just got here. She’s healthy and perfect.”

Raegan grabs Marlee’s hand as Marlee now stands beside her. Ace and Travis greet me with a slap on the back, and Toby pulls me in for a strong hug. Sarah’s tears are streaming down her face as she sits in the chair across the room alone. She’s smiling.

“Can we see her?” Rae questions after the group disbands to give me some space.

“Yeah. I’ll bring her out in a bit.”

“How’s Lacey? Can I see her?” Travis’s voice is tense.

“She’s really good. Exhausted. She wants to rest soon.”

“Hayden,” I hear my father’s voice call from behind me. I turn around and see him standing at the other door, his stance timid and quiet.

“Dad,” I croak, feeling uneasy. I’m about to lose my shit in front of everyone. My throat is clogging and my eyes are burning with tears.

I’ll never live this one down.

My dad walks toward us and the others make way for him. When his arms reach out to me, I reciprocate and lean into him for a full embrace. Finally, I feel the effects of the day as they come rushing to the surface. Lacey is okay. Olivia is healthy. My dad is getting better by the day and my friends are all here. With my face planted in my dad’s shoulder, shielded from the others, I let out my own gut-wrenching sob of relief.

“Hayden,” Dad says, his tone soft and gentle. “You’re happy, son,” he states, knowing I can’t answer yet. I shake my head in his shoulder and his large frame grasps me tighter. He slaps one hand on my back and cradles the back of my head with the other, holding me to him tightly.

“I have someone here you all may like to meet,” I hear the nurse behind us and look back at her. She’s holding Olivia and smiling into the crowd. “No touching, though. We’re about to take her to get a bath. Mom’s tired and Dad needs to shower.” She looks at me and smirks. “But if you want to take a quick look, here’s your chance.”

Rae and Marlee are the first to flank her, coming to her side in a rush.

“Hayden! Look at all that beautiful hair!” Marlee exclaims as I wipe my eyes, trying not to let the others see me do it.

“Isn’t she lovely?” Rae adds. “Isn’t she wonderful?” Ace and I share a look, knowing exactly where this is going before she continues. Our life has been surrounded by music, so we know lyrics starting before she thinks we do. “Isn’t she precious, less than one minute old?”

Raegan Simmons is a closet nerd.

“Rae, stop,” Ace clips. The rest of the lyrics finish in my head and now I’m resisting the urge to sing along with Stevie Wonder about how wonderful my daughter is.

“Well, she is,” Rae says with petulance.

“Don’t start,” Ace says, grabbing her around the shoulders. Rae smiles and buries her head in his side.

“Okay, enough. Olivia needs a break. She’ll be back in about thirty minutes. Lacey’s asking for you. Go help her move to her new room,” the nurse tells me before turning around and walking away. “She told me to tell the rest of you she’ll see you after she sleeps.”

“Olivia?” my dad questions, tears instantly filling his eyes. “You named her Olivia?”

Rae covers her mouth with her hands and Marlee sighs heavily.

“Lacey did. She named her Olivia Merit.”

My dad looks to the floor before pulling himself together. “I can’t think of a more perfect name for your beautiful new baby girl, Hayden. Olivia Merit Flynn.”

“Now I’m gonna cry again, damn it!” Sarah squeaks, rushing to me and wrapping her arms around my waist so hard I’m forced to catch her and take a step back.

Travis walks to Sarah, grabs her from my arms and pulls her into him. He kisses the crown of her head through a smile and looks to Ace and me standing in front of him. “See what I’m sayin’ now?
Women.
Crazy.
”

Toby comes up behind Marlee, places his hands around her stomach and rests his chin on the top of her head. “Can’t live without ’em,” he states.

“Rae, can I get a minute?” I ask before Ace is able to take her home.

“Sure.”

Pulling her by the elbow and out in the hall, I offer what I owe. “I wanted to apologize for what I said the other night,” I explain. “I was out of line and it was a shit thing to say. I didn’t mean it and I’m sorry.”

She stares at me. Raegan is a thinker; she always has been. I know this about her, so I brace for her response. “An apology is nice. I appreciate it.”

“But . . .”

“You’re not done. You’ll make it up to me, though.”

“Anything,” I tell her. “Whatever you need.”

“Get your vocal cords ready,” she whispers before turning around and leaving me in the hallway alone.

Fell right into that one.

After I thank them and tell my friends goodbye, I find Lacey in her room already sleeping. It’s dark and the small light above her head is the only one on. The little box where Olivia sleeps isn’t far from the bed.

I quietly take the seat across the room. The rocking chair is comfortable, so I relax into it and for the first time today close my eyes for a breath.

A few minutes later, I hear the nurse come in. She’s situating Liv’s bedding and wrapping her up tight. “Look who’s awake.”

The nurse places her in my arms and settles us before walking to Lacey and checking her vitals.

I can’t see Liv as well as I could before, but she’s already so familiar. I’ve memorized most of her small body. I know her yawns, stretches, and the way her eyes open and close only briefly before she falls back to sleep.

I never thought it was possible to love another person so much it truly does hurt.

* * *

Lacey

I’m still so tired but the sound of Hayden’s murmur wakes me. The nurse stands at my side checking my chart. She’s smiling down and listening to what Hayden’s saying.

He’s not talking to either of us. He’s talking to his daughter.

“Baby Mine, don’t you cry.” His voice is whisper soft, fading in and out with each syllable. I listen closely and realizing he’s not talking to her, he’s singing to her.

As he continues in the dark corner of the room, the nurse and I meet eyes as she stands at my side looking down. I hear her whisper, “Oh, my.”

Our eyes dart back to the corner where Hayden continues to sing quietly while rocking with her back and forth. She’s lying on his chest and he’s looking down on her with adoration. His hands search her body and he adjusts the blanket every few seconds, checking to be sure her little body is covered and comfortable. Once the song is over, the nurse clears her throat and Hayden looks up.

“I’ll be singing
that
song for the rest of my shift,” she tells him quietly. “God, that was sweet.”

He grins shyly and repositions Olivia in his arms, cradling her close, and continues rocking.

Once the nurse is satisfied I’m doing all right, she leaves Hayden and me alone. He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds so I watch him continue to rock back and forth.

I break the silence first. “I’m beat.”

“I’m happy.”

“You really are,” I return. He looks like a proud, doting father without a care in the world.

He clears his throat and drags one finger along Liv’s cheek softly. Then he runs all his fingers and his palm through her dark hair and bends his neck to kiss her forehead. I wonder to myself how many times he’s already done that since she’s been born.

“Marry me.” The whispered words fill the small room with surprise.

“What did you say?” I reply, not certain he meant to say them out loud.

“I want you to marry me, Lacey.”

“I . . .” I stop, clueless on how to respond. “I don’t . . .”

He smiles; the small light above my head offers only a shadow or glimpse of it, but it’s there. “I love you, Lacey. I love what you’ve given me. Marry me.”

“Oh, God,” I say, still not having any other comment to give.

“Is that yes?”

“No.”

“It’s a no?”

“It’s a ‘give me a second, Hayden.’ I’m processing.”

Hayden stands from the chair and moves to put Olivia in the plastic crib. In all my exhaustion, I haven’t had enough time with her. “Don’t put her down. Bring her to me, please?”

He walks toward me, watching her with each step until he’s reached my bed and puts her gently in my arms, careful of her head. “You’re good at this,” I tell him.

“The nurse did it like that. Can’t go wrong.”

“She’s a quiet baby, isn’t she?” I ask, playing with her ear. Her little fingers spread wide then settle again next to her blanket.

“You’re not going to marry me, are you?”

Looking up at Hayden’s tensing body, I explain what he should already know but couldn’t possibly being he’s never been in a real relationship. “Listen to what I have to say. Can you do that?”

“Yes.” He takes a seat in the chair next to the bed and gives me his full attention.

“We started this
whatever it is
as an arrangement. Then you . . .”

“I’m sorry, Lace,” he interrupts, and I shake my head to stop him from continuing.

“Then you decided it wasn’t what you wanted. What about what I want?”

“What do you want?”

“There’s a couple of things,” I explain. He sits back in his chair, readying for my list. “I want to know you’re not doing this for her and this isn’t some hasty decision based on looking at her like you do, or from the guilt I know you still have for your mom or for me.