Devotion (26 page)

“You’re not supposed to. Stop trying to get back to where you were. You can’t. Instead, find out where you’re meant to begin again. Figure out how you’re supposed to move forward.”

That piece of advice caused Juliet to go still. “I should have been there that night. He asked me to go with him. Did I ever tell you that? I had just gotten home from some volunteer meeting or another. You know, typical me—running, running. I don’t even remember what group I was helping now.”

“You need to tell him that.”

Juliet bristled but figuratively bit her tongue. Defiance transformed into a hot circuit of sparks, a sweep of pain that left her wanting to lash out a fast refusal of her sister’s advice. But she fought that instinct.

Marlene continued. “He asked you for forgiveness.”

“Yes, he did.” Juliet forgot about the dough and crossed her arms against her chest, unmindful of sticky dough clumps and flour debris. She fought acknowledging that fact because she was miles away from accepting his gesture. Yes, that was wrong—and yet—

“Forgiveness is where it needs to begin.” Marlene’s conclusion was emphatic.

“I see. So, he says, ‘Forgive me,’ and I’m the dirty dog if I don’t. After what he did? Is that what you’re saying? Hey, everything is great now. He asked for forgiveness and all is right with the world.”

She wanted their marriage back, but admitting it felt like giving in, and accepting—without due consequence—the fact that she had been betrayed.

Remember, daughter—let she who is without sin cast the first stone…

“It’s not about making a fast apology and brushing past what he did.” Marlene greased pans, setting them on the counter one by one. “It’s about reclaiming your commitment. Failure is human, but redemption is heavenly. Take a taste of what you had before. It might become the start of a loving, beautiful journey—if you let it happen, and embrace the chance God is giving you to return to one another.” Marlene paused to lean against the kitchen counter and waited until Juliet looked at her. “Do you think this is easy for him? Do you think it’s easy for him to be in the position of having to ask you for forgiveness? Do you think the road he traveled isn’t hurting Kellen?” Marlene arched a brow, waiting once more.

But he deserves it! He turned his back on me and ripped a hole in my heart!

She who is without sin, daughter…

“Hey, Aunt Juliet, did Uncle Kellen come with you?”

Lifted away from God’s gentle admonishment, Juliet winced on the inside and fumbled for a way to answer her nephew. Max bounded into the kitchen and started dribbling a plastic ball as he crossed to a pair of sliding glass doors that led outside to the backyard.

“Uncle Kellen had stuff to do at home today, buddy.” Marlene gave Juliet a compassionate look and stepped in as a buffer. “We’ll see him soon, though. By the way, what’s the rule about balls in the house?”

The dribbling stopped promptly. Visually sheepish, Max’s head lifted. “Sorry, Mom.”

Marlene winked at her son. “Scoot. I’ll call you in for lunch as soon as the bread is in the oven.”

“OK.”

Head bowed, Juliet paused, clutching the edge of the kitchen counter. Oblivious to the undercurrents, Max charged into the yard, tossing the ball and kicking it with happy gusto. Alone with her sister once more, Juliet braved a reply to Marlene’s question. “I know this has affected him. I know he’s hurting. I also realize it’s very easy to get angry at Kellen and paint him with all the colors of a bad guy, since he’s the one who was tempted by someone else, but I neglected our relationship, too. I stepped away when I should have moved toward. I have responsibilities in this breakdown of ours and I know it.”

“Have you ever told him that?”

“No.”

Marlene took over kneading responsibilities since Juliet was thoroughly distracted. She paused from the task just long enough to deliver a penetrating stare. “Maybe it’s time you did.”

“I…well…” Juliet stopped speaking. She hated her own weakness, the way she yearned for Kellen. There were so many happy, beautiful memories to call upon, so many ways he had genuinely touched her heart. The note, for example…returning to church and Bible devotions…helping at the rescue mission and tolerating her cutting mood swings.

Juliet steeled her shoulders, still determined to push his love to the side for now. She busied herself scraping away excess dough from the stainless bowl. She dumped the remnants into the trash then went to the sink, intending to wash it clean.

“I, well,
what
?” Marlene toweled off her hands and shot out a restraining hand so she could hold Juliet in place.

Juliet expelled a frustrated sound. “I don’t want to feel good around him.”

“He’s not leaving you much of a choice, is he?”

Juliet glowered. She moved to the sink and squirted dish soap into the bowl before turning on the hot water. “Feeling good around Kellen makes me feel like I’ve given in and accepted what he did.”

“Oh, baby. Don’t let it. It shouldn’t. Feeling good around him, when he’s working so hard to redeem himself, and earn your forgiveness, is simply a reflection of the love you feel. And the love he feels, too. That hasn’t changed. You love each other. Time to start dealing with it.”

Marlene’s challenge brought Juliet to a standstill. Juliet nipped at her lower lip; her brows tightened into a furrow. “I can’t shake him. He haunts me like a dream, but he sliced me like a nightmare. Everything about him, about us, used to be open and free and effortless. Now part of me wants to stay closed off. I don’t want to let him get that close to me again. I can’t afford to let myself be that vulnerable to him again. It’s killing me inside because all I want to do is get rid of this emotion—”

“You want to get rid of the
pain.
Big difference.” Marlene’s very direct interruption prompted Juliet to forget the running water that filled the mixing bowl, the building soapsuds. “You want to release all that ugliness, not the emotion. Let’s be clear about that.”

Remembering herself, Juliet extinguished the pouring water and went to work washing dishes—with a vengeance. Water crested onto the counter, along with apple scented soap bubbles. “Maybe.”

“The crux of the matter right now, as I see it, is the fact that you’re not just hurt by Kellen. You’re hurt by the fact that you were blindsided. That your marriage, which had always been such a beautiful model of what Christian relationship should be, fell apart.”

“Nice.”

“Actually it’s not nice at all. But it’s
true
.” Marlene used a dish towel to mop up the overflow of water.

“I know, I know, and I’ve said as much to Kellen.” More like
sniped
as much, she admitted to herself. Rather violently, Juliet dumped water and soap from the bowl into the stoppered sink so she could continue washing dishes.

“You’re refusing to forgive Kellen, and you’re refusing to forgive yourself. It takes two to build, and two to destroy, a relationship.”

Juliet gasped. “Nice one, Marlene. Slam me with that when you know how badly I’m struggling! I’ve admitted I need to accept my share of the blame!”

Marlene grabbed a fresh drying towel. After she tugged the bowl from Juliet, she let a calming beat slide by. “You haven’t admitted as much to Kellen. Think about what you’ve been saying. You said you should have been there. You said he wanted you with him. You said he wants you in his life, and that he’s always included you in his functions. If you ask me, that’s not the pattern of a sleazy guy on the prowl for available women. The first step forward is reaching out. Have you made an effort to include him in the goings on of your life?”

“He’s too busy! He would have said no!” But he had shown up at the mission site…

Marlene shrugged. “I’m not so sure. I think if you had made the consistent effort, he would have been there. Point is, now, you’ll never know for sure, will you?” Marlene propped a fisted hand on her hip. She arched a brow while Juliet stared, and stewed. “Gee, are those light bulbs I see going off over the top of your head?”

Juliet snorted. “Do you ever hold back the punches?”

“Nope. Not when it comes to you, Jules. You’re my baby girl. Always have been, always will be.”

“You’re such a mom.”

“Yep.” Stillness returned, along with quiet understanding. “Do you still believe you and Kellen were ordained to be together?”

Juliet pondered that question for a moment. “That’s what I want to believe. Right now, I just don’t know. I’m back and forth and up and down like a yo-yo these days. One second I miss him so much it physically hurts. The next I get so angry I want to just chuck it all and say, fine, it’s over. I take it out on him constantly. Either I shout and rage or I go all wistful and sentimental. Take your pick.”

“Your reactions are understandable, Juliet. But while you sort things through, ask yourself this, is Kellen trying?”

“Yes.” Juliet didn’t hesitate. His efforts couldn’t—and shouldn’t—be denied. Even in the face of her pain. Still, she wanted to hurl the pot she scoured straight across the room, because at the same time, she had legitimate doubts about what prompted his efforts. Her emotions surged. “But by the same token, what I am right now for Kellen Rossiter is a problem that needs to be solved.”

“Fair enough. But is that
all
you are to Kellen Rossiter?”

Juliet glared at her sister and dumped a milk covered mixing cup into the water. “He wants me back. He wants our child. He’s trying to solve a problem, and he’s trying to negotiate. That’s what he does best.” She shrugged. “To be honest, that’s part of what I love about him. Thing is, I can’t fall back into place just because
he
says so!”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“Well, it’s interesting that you don’t use the word love in the past tense. That’s telling. As telling as the circumstances you just described.” Marlene’s posture softened. She stepped forward and gave Juliet a tight hug. “If he’s trying as hard as you say he is, then give a little. Help make amends. Doing so is what Christ would want and expect of us. Like I said, Juliet, you love him. You can’t deny that.”

No. She couldn’t. But she couldn’t deny the fear, either.

She wiped the counter, where a few more water splatters and dough clumps remained, needing to be washed clean. So much like her entire relationship with Kellen.

Marlene swept her hand into place on top of Juliet’s, stopping her nervous motions. “He loves you, too. That’s another truth you can’t escape.”

Juliet wilted.

She rested her head on Marlene’s shoulder and tried to regain herself.

Juliet, precious one, the Spirit I have placed within you is far greater than the world around you. Do not fear. Rest. Rest in Me.

“I’ll try.” The whispered words passed through clogging emotion and laden tears. Juliet’s eyes fluttered closed in utter exhaustion.

Shaky though her answer was, it wasn’t just delivered to Marlene. It was delivered to God Himself.

23

Juliet yawned and trotted down the stairs from her bedroom, intending to enjoy some coffee and make a piece of stomach-settling toast for breakfast. She looked forward to sampling the fruits of her labors this past weekend with Marlene…on a number of fronts.

Tingling with an equal mix of apprehension and anticipation, she settled a hand against her well-rounded midsection, subconsciously snuggling with the baby. The idea nudged a grin into a full-blown smile and calmed her nerves.

By design, she rose early enough to catch Kellen before he left for work.

She entered the kitchen, and sure enough, he sat on a padded stool at the tall counter between the sink and dinette. His back was to her, but from her angle she could see that his black leather Bible was open, and he was reading. A mug stood at his elbow, and she noticed a piece of paper towel next to his mug. Upon it rested a half-eaten slice of the bread she had made. The vision of nourishment and peace stroked her heart.

“Morning.” The word crossed her lips, sounding hesitant. Her smile trembled a bit, paying a visit to the land of uncertainty. She wanted to work past that now—somehow.
God, show me the way. Help me.

Kellen turned toward her. He shook his head and let loose a rich laugh. Sunshine streamed in through the large bay window, burnishing the dark waves of his hair. “Unbelievable.”

Juliet was taken aback by the unconventional reaction to her arrival. “What’s unbelievable?”

“God’s timing. Your timing. Come here for a second.” She approached and Kellen slid the Bible toward her. He tapped the open page with his index finger, indicating a chapter of Proverbs. “This is what I was reading when you walked in. Tell me that’s not God’s voice at work.”

Juliet stood close. The enticing blend of sandalwood and spice cologne welcomed her to the side of her husband as he directed her to Proverbs 31:30.

“Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain; but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” She read the words aloud. A moment or two after she finished, during a silence that fell comfortably between them, the deeper, more personal meaning dawned.

“I’ve learned that proverb the hard way—but I’ve learned it.” His earnest expression and the direct clarity of his eyes sanded down the edges of her hurt.

Juliet embraced the tender atmosphere between them, continuing to simply look at him.

Kellen had never been ashamed of turning to God—despite his chosen profession, and despite his sin with Chloe. Even though the world in which he moved looked down on faith and outright declarations of Christianity, he did everything he could to stand on his core beliefs and promote them as well.

But then came Chloe…

That voice of doubt kept creeping in, hitting her hard. This time, for the first time ever, Juliet didn’t fight thinking about the woman.

Kellen might consider Juliet to be the woman of faith in that selection from Proverbs. He might also see Chloe as the one whose charm and beauty had deceived his heart. In part, the analysis rang true, but Juliet forced herself to look deeper. She needed to execute ownership of her marriage. Responsibility.