Diary of a Mad Bride (9 page)

M
y mother and Gram came down to the city to do some shopping today. Before heading home they stopped by my office. While my mother was in the ladies' room I proudly held out my hand to show Gram my engagement ring. Gram took one look at my ring and clapped her hands in delight. “Would you look at that! It's lovely!”

“Stephen gave it to me. It's my engagement ring.”

Gram's delight turned to concern. She looked me straight in the eye as if she were about to tell me I had male-pattern baldness, and said, “But that's an emerald. Engagement rings are supposed to be diamond.”

“Typically yes, but there's no reason to be trapped by the shackles of tradition.”

Gram shook her head. “Sure there is. Diamonds are tough as nails. They symbolize strength and fidelity. Emeralds are weak and unreliable. Liz Taylor wears them all the time.”

Weak and unreliable? Elizabeth Taylor? Was she kidding?

“Come on, Gram. You don't really believe that. Besides, this ring belonged to Stephen's great-grandmother.”

Gram clutched her heart. “You mean he didn't even buy it?”

“No. It's a family heirloom.”

“Heirloom? That means
free.
He should've spent some money on my beautiful granddaughter.”

Forget that this ring and I have bonded. And that it makes me smile every day. All of that meant nothing. Because in under thirty seconds Gram had somehow managed to turn my stunning emerald ring into a stinging source of shame. Like the magician pulling a rabbit from a hat—you don't know how it happens, but it does.

Just then my mother returned from the bathroom. I stuffed my hand into my pocket and quickly asked about their train schedule. I'd show her my ring some other time. Maybe in a year or ten. But right now I'd had all the family support I could bear.

Minutes later I was putting them on the elevator as Barry was stepping out. “What do we have here? Don't tell me. Three generations of Thomas women. No doubt in town to make wedding preparations. How exciting! You know, Amy, you never did tell me how your Dream Boy proposed.”

But before I could dodge the question Gram responded, “On the candy line at the multiplex on Broadway. The one next to the adult bookstore.” I'm not sure whether I screamed or just felt like it.

Barry smiled. “A ‘concession' proposal. That's original…
and
telling.” Then he and his shit-eating grin sashayed away, his howls of laughter ringing throughout the halls.

I turned to Gram in disbelief. But she was clueless.
“What's so funny? I'm certain that's what Stephen told me.” Looking at her sweet, innocent face I remember thinking, If she weren't such a kind old lady I would definitely kick her teeth in.

I
saw five reception venues today as my lunch hour turned into a lunch afternoon. Two hotels—too expensive. One garden restaurant—affordable if I want to get married on a Tuesday night. A corporate event space in the East-Asian Cultural Building. Too impersonal. Too cold. Too scary. Do I really want a bust of Chairman Mao spotlit during my wedding reception? And a SoHo art gallery. Great except I'd have to buy a hefty insurance policy for the artwork, which would remain on the walls during my event. Scheduled for June 2nd—“High Heels and Hymens: Fetishistic Nude Photography.”

S
tephen's just informed me that his friends Mitch and Larry are going to be his best man and groomsman.

Mitch and Larry, who might as well be called Beavis and Butthead, are like Mandy—only emotionally stunted. Unable to maintain their appearance let alone jobs or relationships, they have little to do with who Stephen is now. They're more a part of his past than his future (God willing). They're his old fraternity brothers who have yet to realize that college is over, the frat house is gone, and those gray hairs in their goatee mean that forty-ounce beers are no longer for personal consumption.

I was really hoping that Stephen would choose one of his more interesting,
literate
friends. But no. He got all sentimental and clung to the gruesome twosome.

Marriage really is a package deal.

W
e met with Father Anderson today. He's the only minister I've ever seen who wears a Rolex and carries a cell phone. His broker called three times during our meeting. Apparently there was a rally on Seagram's. Anyway, First American Presbyterian is ours on June 2nd. I just hope Father Anderson puts his phone on vibrate.

Official THINGS TO DO List

1. Choose wedding date

2. Tell boss wedding date

3. Vacation time for honeymoon

4. Decide on honeymoon

5. Get minister

6. Choose reception venue

7. Make guest list

8. Choose maid of honor

9. Choose best man

10. Register for gifts

11. Arrange for engagement party

12. Buy engagement ring

13. Buy wedding rings

14. Buy wedding dress

15. Choose maid of honor dress

16. Order wedding cake

17. Hire caterer

18. Hire band for reception

19. Order flowers for ceremony

20. Buy shoes

21. Plan rehearsal dinner

22. Invites to rehearsal dinner

23. Hire musicians for ceremony

24. Decide on dress code

25. Get marriage license

26. Hire videographer

27. Hire photographer

28. Order table flowers

29. Order bouquets

30. Order boutonnieres for men

31. Order nosegays for women

32. Order invitations

33. Decide on wine selection

34. Postage for invitations

35. Choose hairstyle and makeup

36. Buy gifts for attendants

37. Buy thank-you notes

38. Announce wedding in newspaper

39. Buy headpiece

40. Buy traveler's checks for honeymoon

41. Apply for visas

42. Get shots and vaccinations

43. Order tent if necessary

44. Order chairs/tables if necessary

45. Make budget

46. Divide expenses

47. Make table-seating charts

48. Choose bridesmaid dress

49. Decide on menu

50. Decide on hors d'oeuvres

51. Decide on dinner-service style

52. Decide on staff-guest ratio

53. Decide seated or buffet

54. Reserve vegetarian meals

55. Reserve band/photographer/videographer meals

56. Make photo list

57. Choose hotel for wedding night

58. Hire limo for church-reception transport

59. Buy guest book for reception

60. Find hotel for out-of-towners

61. Decide on liquor selection

62. Hire bartenders

63. Verify wheelchair accessibility

64. Choose processional music

65. Choose recessional music

66. Choose cocktail music

67. Choose reception music

68. Choose ceremony readings

69. Prepare birdseed instead of rice

70. Schedule manicure/pedicure/wax

O
ver a billion men on this planet and I found the one who puts the toilet seat down. It's like winning the lottery!

I am so in love.

I
've seen seven more reception venues. None of them works. Of the remaining twenty-one that Kate has called, fifteen are booked for our date, and I'm scheduled to see the last six next week. What a disaster.

I'm going upstate this weekend to spend some time with my parents and to determine how much money they're giving us for the wedding. Even before the food, liquor, and entertainment costs, these venues are more expensive than I ever imagined. We'll definitely have to cut corners here and there. But I can't worry too much. After all, does it really matter if we serve California wine instead of French?

T
oday is my thirtieth birthday. Everyone said I'd be disappointed, devastated, depressed…but I'm thrilled. I have friends, family, and Stephen. Not to mention (somewhat) meaningful employment. What more could I ask for?

W
ell, I've had a RUDE awakening.

My parents are only giving us $5,000 for the wedding. That will barely pay for the food!

DAD

We're heading into retirement soon. If you'd done this a few years back, like your sister did, it would have been easier for us.

ME

Well, forgive me for not jumping on the first man I met just to ensure you'd pay for my wedding.

DAD

Oh, sweetheart, we're glad you didn't jump into marriage. Frankly, we didn't think you were the marrying kind.
¹⁹
It's just that it's a little late.

ME

Late? I'm only thirty!

MOM

I
had two children by the time I was thirty.

ME

And look how we turned out!

MOM

You're getting hysterical.

ME

You bet I'm hysterical. I thought you'd be more supportive of my marriage.

DAD

We're very supportive of your marriage. Stephen's a nice, solid man. But our accountant's advising us to be fiscally conservative. You know, Nicole was quite pleased when she got $5,000 for her wedding.

ME

First off, that was five years ago. If you calculate the rate of inflation, $5,000 back then is like $20,000 today.

DAD

I guess that's New Math.

ME

Second, Chet's family laid out twice as much as that.

DAD

Then Stephen should ask his family for the rest.

They were right. The only option is to ask the Stewarts to shoulder the brunt of the cost. I hope they don't mind. It could get as high as $15,000. But I suppose that's just a drop in the bucket for them. After all, they've got a four-car garage.

S
tephen has just informed me that his family's willing to match my parents' $5,000, but that's it. Not a penny more. After I regained consciousness I reminded him that this isn't the Stone Age. The days of dowries, trousseaus, and prized goats being offered by the bride's family are long gone. The groom's family is more than welcome to shoulder
the financial burden of a wedding. Even
BB
says so. And Prudence agrees. I can see it in her eyes. Besides, the Stewarts are significantly more affluent than my family, so it just makes sense.

STEPHEN

I understand that it makes sense to you. But my family is pretty traditional.

ME

Your mother keeps a miniature chow in her handbag and your father's dating your lab partner from tenth grade.

STEPHEN

True. But we still go caroling at Christmas.

Yeah? Well, this year we may have to do it for profit, because there's no way $10,000 is paying for an elegant New York City wedding.

Stephen insists that we shouldn't worry. “We'll work it out.” Sure, that's a terrific answer for a spontaneous person. But control freaks like me who can't sleep at night without triple-checking their Things To Do list need a real PLAN. Besides, he's so distracted by his damn computer program that “We'll work it out” is pass-the-buck language for “You deal with it, Amy.”