Diary of a Mad First Lady (24 page)

The doorbell rang.

I looked in the direction of the living room and decided that whoever it was would have to leave, because I had not invited anyone over. As a matter of fact, I never invited anyone over. The only person that had ever stepped foot into my house was Twylah, and she was dead now.

The doorbell rang again.

Oh, well, they would have to walk away the same way I had minutes ago. I cursed myself for not closing the gates behind me. I was in such a rage that I’d forgotten.

The doorbell rang back to back to back more than six times, so I decided to answer. Without looking, I flung open the door. The anger that had set up residence in me had been evicted by sheer joy, as I looked into the eyes of my future husband, Darvin.

“Dawn, may I come in?” he asked.

Startled by his arrival and more so by his desire to come in, I said, “Sure, Pastor. Who would turn their pastor away at the door?”

I moved aside to let him enter. I strung together multiple curse words in my head when I saw how dirty the living room was. I had not cleaned up in more than a week, and the last thing I needed was for Darvin to see me not being able to keep house. But it was too late. He had denied all possible rationale that had to be screaming at him, telling him not to enter a single woman’s house alone. It wasn’t a good look for a pastor.

“Dawn, I didn’t come to stay long. I just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes,” he said with concern in his voice.

“Okay,” I said hesitantly. “Why don’t we go into the keeping room? The living room is a little messy. Getting ready for work some mornings is a pain, and I go from room to room, leaving something behind in each one.”

“This is your home. It’s not my place to judge you or what your house looks like.”

“Well, I would still prefer we move into the other room. I have the fireplace going. It’s a little cool out tonight.”

I tried not to run to the keeping room. Enthusiasm was overtaking me. Darvin was actually in my house with me. Alone.

Once there, I motioned for him to sit in a chair that was close to the fireplace. “So, Pastor, to what do I owe this visit?” I asked, all while grinning from ear to ear.

He dropped his head, looking as if he was carefully choosing his words. And then it was like a thought appeared to him—one that had been on his mind. “How long have you lived here?”

I stared at him. He was expressionless. Maybe I should tell the truth.

“Since moving to Atlanta.”

“I see. Any particular reason you chose this neighborhood—or this house—so close to mine?”

To be near you, stupid.
“I think that was a huge coincidence, Pastor.” I tried to sound honest. “Look, I know what you’re probably thinking. The truth is, I didn’t tell you I lived here because I didn’t want you to think I was trying to harass you as my sister did.”

He looked at me with tiredness in his eyes. “Dawn, I don’t know how to say this, but you’re causing problems. Major problems.”

I was taken aback by his forwardness. “I’m sorry. How am I doing that?”

Maybe I was making progress after all.

“Let’s face it. We both know that you and Michelle never got off to a good start, and with you purchasing me a car, giving me countless dollars every Sunday, and living across the street . . . it’s not helping the situation. At all. I know that you might be innocent in all of this, but showing up at my house tonight wasn’t the best thing to do. I can’t fight in your defense and ask Michelle to overlook the other, when you’re coming to the one place she should be able to have privacy.” He paused and leaned forward in his chair.

“I really value you as a member of the church, the same way in which I did your sister, but, Dawn, sometimes I guess I do have to question your motives, if any.”

I raised my eyebrows, as if that were going to help me soak in everything that he’d just said. I cleared my throat before speaking. “I’m a little shocked, Pastor, that first of all you would think I have motives in giving you anything. Several members bless you on a weekly basis, and just because I have the finances to go above and beyond the average, I should be blamed for that? Secondly, I’m a little appalled at the notion that I’m to blame for the problems that you’re having in your home. I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but, as much as I know that I have it going on, I don’t know if I’m capable of interfering with your marriage.”

Sweat was forming on my brow, and even though Darvin wasn’t here for the reasons that I wished he was, I still didn’t want him to see me looking like a melting pot. I reached for the remote that operated the fireplace and turned the flame down a little.

“I didn’t say that you were the cause of my problems at home. I’m simply saying that if there were any, you’re not helping it.”

I laughed. So, there were some problems. Maybe my plan was working after all. I needed to make him more comfortable, to see what else I could find out.

“Pastor, I’m sorry for being rude. Can I offer you something to drink?”

“No, I really must be going. I just wanted to come over and ask if you would refrain from coming to my house. Michelle is beside herself now that she knows you live across the street.”

Who cared if Michelle was anything? Certainly not me.

“Once again, I didn’t tell you or First Lady because I knew how you felt about my sister. I didn’t want you to think that I was spying on you or anything.” I should have won an Oscar for this performance.

He was silent as he studied my face for any traces of lying. I sure hoped that he wasn’t operating in the prophetic right about then, because he was sure to see that everything I’d just said was indeed a lie. A big one.

I continued. “I’m sorry for not saying anything before now. In hindsight, maybe I should have told you. That’s why I came over there earlier. I saw your gates open when I went to the mailbox, and decided that it was long overdue that I introduced myself as your new neighbor, so to speak,” I said, trying to make light of the situation.

Darvin’s silence was making the atmosphere difficult to slice through, and it was making me nervous.

“I had no idea that we were neighbors. I don’t know what I’m going to do about this,” he said as he put his face in his hands.

I moved closer to the end of the couch that was directly facing his chair.

“Why do you have to do anything about it?” I asked in a soft voice.

He looked at me. Then he laughed. “Come on, now. How many times do I have to say it? Michelle isn’t fond of you. You are a nemesis to her, and could you blame her? You are the sister to the woman who tried to destroy our lives,” he said, sounding frustrated.

I honestly, for a very brief second, felt bad about all of the drama that I’d caused him. I never stopped to think about the stress that it might have been causing him. However, my thoughts of pity were just as quickly erased with a flashback of Michelle standing in her door, waving at me earlier.

“What do you suggest I do? Move out of my house so that your wife can be comfortable? Or would she like it better if I just moved out of the state altogether? Tell me, what do you want me to do?” I was heated now.

“I don’t know what to tell you to do.” He looked as if he was contemplating his options. “I’m not suggesting that there is any easy solution to this. I mean, Michelle is probably over there climbing the walls because I’m over here. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“About what?” I said, hoping she really was climbing the walls.

He looked at me again with those piercing eyes. “This is really hard for me. I’m torn because you are a member of my church who has technically done nothing wrong. You’ve been nothing but nice to me, but at the same time, that’s my wife over there. She has her own opinions about your motives. I don’t know what to do to fix this.” He stood up and moved directly in front of the fireplace. “I mean, I can’t ask you to leave your home. I can’t even ask you to leave the church, because then what type of pastor would I be?”

Exactly.

“Would you even consider asking me to do either of those things?” Time for a home run. “Do you not care about my soul, or me, in the least little bit?”

I forced tears to form in my eyes. Judging from the look on his face, not only had I scored a home run, I had knocked the ball way out of the field. I held my breath, waiting for him to answer.

“Of course I do. I’m your pastor. I care about all of my members.”

Wrong answer.

“What about just as a person? Would you care about me as a person even if I wasn’t a member of your church?”

“Yes, of course,” he said as he walked back to the chair and sat down.

“However, I think the best thing to do here is to ask you to just stay back. Don’t try to prove anything to me. Don’t buy me any more gifts or give me any more money. If you want, I’ll return the Bentley to you. And if you have an accounting of the monetary gifts, I’ll give that back to.”

With every word, my heart was breaking in half. I had to do something and quick. “I don’t know what to say,” I said and dropped my head. This time I allowed tears to flow; something I never did. I was sure it was going to get his attention. It worked.

“Please, don’t cry,” he said desperately. “You’ve got to understand the position that I’m in. I have no other choice. It’s you or my marriage.”

I cried harder. “Why is your marriage so fragile that you even have to make this decision?” I lashed back. “Pastor, you need a woman who can handle things like this and women like me. You can’t have this conversation with every woman who poses a threat to your wife. If she was so sure of what the two of you have together, then why would she put you in this position? Why would it even matter?”

I could see the struggle in his eyes.

“I guess it’s different when you’re in her shoes. I don’t really know what it feels like for her to have to deal with something like this.”

“I don’t know either,” I said, “but I do know this: I know that if I were her, I would cherish what you and I had,” I said with emphasis. “I know that I would never let anyone come between us, no matter what. I know that I would spend more time figuring out how to better our relationship than worrying about who’s trying to tear it down. That’s wasted energy that she could be spending on you.” I moved closer to him.

“Pastor, I have never tried to disrespect you, First Lady, or anyone else. All I’ve ever wanted to do was show you that I love you. I knew it would be difficult, because I knew how hard it would be to live past what my sister did to you. But I kept trying. I never gave up on you.” At that point, I allowed myself to completely break down. I cried uncontrollably. “I just don’t know if I will ever be able to live here without being blamed for my sister’s sin.”

Even with my head down, I knew that Darvin was staring at me. I could feel his eyes wandering my body, trying to figure out his next words; something he’d been doing all night.

“I’m sorry,” he said remorsefully.

I lifted my head. “Really? Hmph. Not as sorry as I am. I have tried my best to fit in. You know what, Pastor? I meant what I said at your anniversary. You have changed my life, even if it has been a short time. Your messages move me to my core, and I always leave better than when I came. I can’t imagine what I was doing before I started attending Mount Zion. You have been such a wonderful influence to me, and to think that I might have to give that up really hurts.”

I cried so hard, Darvin reached for tissues that I kept on the coffee table. He passed me a couple of them.

“Listen, you don’t have to leave the church. I’ll figure out a way to work this out,” he said, stroking my arm.

Currents of electricity shot through my body faster than the speed of light. Every hormone related to desire was standing at full attention. I had waited so long for him to touch me in a loving, caring way, and had almost forgotten what I’d imagined it would feel like. It felt better than any daydream. I allowed myself to dissolve into his touch, and the burning sensation it caused traveled directly to my womanhood.

“Pastor,”—I touched his hand as it slid up my arm—“that’s music to my ears. I could never leave your teachings. I don’t think I would make it. I know God sent me to your ministry for a reason, and since I’ve been blessing you, He’s been blessing me. Not only have I been blessing you, but I’ve been paying my tithes too. I’ve honestly seen God do some powerful things in my life since I started living by your messages.”

He didn’t even realize that my hand was still on his, so I felt compelled to continue the ego stroking. “Pastor, you are an awesome, awesome man, and don’t you let anybody tell you anything different. I wouldn’t care where you went; I would follow you. Literally. I would travel across the country if I had to, just to be under your leadership.”

Tongue tied, he said, “That’s very sweet of you. Thank you. Those words mean a lot to me.”

“You sound surprised to hear them.”

“Well, I don’t hear it all that much. People walk up to me and tell me I preached a great sermon, but it’s not often that people just lay it out the way you just did.” He paused. “Or shout the way you do on Sundays.” He smiled at me.

So he had noticed!

I saw him drifting into another place. He left a door open that I had to walk in. “Well, I’m sure First Lady tells you all the time.”