Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (52 page)

Had to laugh as I imagined us in charge of the Manor House selection process.  Gone would be the unspoken ‘How intelligent is your child?’ or ‘What is your household income?’  It would just be a case of ‘Can you honestly tick the
‘I am a nice person’
box’?

If only life were so simple.

PM

Jenny and Colin arrived unannounced with a bottle of bubbly.

“She’s gone!”  Jenny was flushed with excitement.  “Pulled the kids out there and then and walked out.  Even forfeited her deposits.”

When Ned and I looked puzzled and begged that she slow down, Colin took over.  “’Imogen-Bloody-Waggle-Tongue-Bradshaw’ was unable to take the humiliation of a dressing down from the Heads and has removed her brats from the school.  You’ve managed to rid the school of one of the monsters who used to make my life hell.  So we come bearing bubbly and a huge sloppy smacker from me!”

With that, Colin pulled me into a bear hug and kissed me on the cheek.  “All you need to do now is get rid of a few choice others and the school might be bearable.”

Jenny disagreed, “No, there’d need to be a much bigger culling than
that
but at least with the likes of Libby there’s a
possibility
of it becoming a nicer place.” And she raised her glass in a toast, “To Libby!”

Oh God, what have we started?

Wednesday 17
^th
June  AM

Really wasn’t looking forward to school drop today as I was convinced that tongues would be wagging and manicured fingers pointing.

As it happened it was a pretty quiet morning, other than a teary Gestapo and the Gnome having another discussion on the wall.

Froze slightly as I saw one of the CCL trustees approach me but then saw that she was beaming.  “Libby, I wonder if I could have a quick word?”

I stopped and turned to face her, expecting the worst.

“We just wanted to let you know how much we admire your courage in dealing with Imogen.  None of us have ever had the guts to do it and she’s made life extremely difficult for us at times.  Now she’s gone we can get on and do our jobs.  You should be feeling very proud of yourself.”

Think I mumbled, “Oh it was nothing,” and “You’re very welcome” but was having trouble assimilating this revelation and just wanted to get home and talk to Ned or Fenella or the milkman or
anyone. 

Since when did the Manor House spotlight get turned onto me and when would the bloody thing be switched off?

PM

Ned said it was like anything at the school - soon there’d be new gossip and everyone’s attention would turn to that.

“It’ll all blow over soon, Lib.  And it’s not as if people are saying
bad
things.  We’ve done the school a favour.”

Could understand his reasoning but just want someone else to become the object of scrutiny.  Thought I’d done my stint with the coffee shop incident and it doesn’t sit well with me.

Here’s to the quiet life.

Thursday 18
^th
June

Frantic call from Fenella this morning, demanding that we meet for coffee immediately.  “Important goss and I’ll burst if I don’t offload it soon.”

Met at a little coffee shop in Wimbledon Village which, as yet, is unaware of our ASBO status.  Made Fenella promise to be on her best behaviour as I couldn’t bear a repeat of Potty-Gate and didn’t feel my reputation could stand it.

Fenella was already settled in the corner with our lattes, desperate to fill me in.

“Oh Libby, I feel so guilty because I didn’t mean to ear-wig but you know what it’s like when you just can’t tear yourself away from something juicy.”

Told her she was rambling and asked her to get to the point.

“I stopped to look at the school notice board outside the library and noticed Gestapo and the Gnome were in there. Gestapo was saying that she’d spoken to Hinge & Bracket about assistance from CCL and they’d turned her down because they were at full capacity.  The Gnome was being all sympathetic and hugging her. It was just sick-making.”

Agreed that it must be awful for Gestapo and said I felt slightly guilty that we’d managed to get to CCL at just the right time.

“Oh Libby. 
What is wrong with you? 
Don’t you see the irony of it all?  They were both totally opposed to CCL but, as soon as it’s one of
them
who needs assistance, it’s OK.  I think it’s karma in the most perfect sense.”

Realised it
did
make them the biggest hypocrites going but I still didn’t like to think of Gestapo’s suffering.

I know what that feels like and also how much courage it takes to ask for help.  Gestapo would have had to eat a much bigger serving of humble pie and I didn’t envy her at all.

Knew there was no point in voicing this to Fenella as I would just have been branded a soppy cow.

Well, I may be but I can’t help the way I feel.

Friday 19
^th
June

Looks like Gestapo has now replaced me in the spotlight as she made rather a spectacle of herself at the school gates this afternoon.

Sadly I was there with Fenella and Olga to witness it and it didn’t make for pleasant viewing.

I can only imagine she’d had a rather liquid lunch as she was slurring and very unsteady on her feet.  The Gnome was with her and, had she
truly
been a friend, would have dragged her from the situation before she managed to embarrass herself further.

Gestapo was ranting loudly at a group of mothers, all of whom claim to be her friends.  ‘Dress Up Mummy’, sporting a polka dot bikini top and ra-ra skirt, would have been quite capable of quietening her down but she, also, did nothing.

Gestapo’s volume increased and she gesticulated wildly.  “You know the bastards won’t even give me back my deposit.  They know I’m on the bone of my ass and they can’t even do
that
for me.  After everything I’ve done for this school, that’s the way they treat me.”

There was quite a bit of muttering at this point as people struggled to remember exactly
what
she’d done for the school.  Made a few smoked salmon bagels for the Christmas fair maybe but that was only under duress.

Drove home feeling like I’d been rubber-necking at a road side accident or attended some bizarre circus freak show.  Felt quite sick.

Got home to garbled voicemail from Pritesh saying that his mum had been rushed to A&E and was asking for me.  Calmly threw up and then made my way to the hospital.

Saturday 20
^th
June  AM

Ned says he thinks the last week and all its dramas have taken it out of me a bit as I crashed in front of the TV last night at about nine o’clock, when I finally got home from the hospital, and still managed to sleep until ten this morning.

Mrs S was in a bad way when I got there last night.  She’d had a fall in her garden yesterday resulting in a broken hip.  The trauma and the operation that followed had left her very frail and confused.  She’s now convinced I’m her daughter-in-law and Skunk’s her other son.  Pritesh was completely freaked by the whole thing and asked that we just play along with it for now.

Praying that she pulls through this - just can’t imagine life without her around.  Skunk shed a few tears and then, embarrassed, turned to more practical issues.  Said he’d take on full responsibility for Ba’s Kitchen and that he’d also care for Desmond until she came home.  Pritesh gave us both a warm hug as we prepared to leave.

Not long until the end of term now and, although there’ll be no international jet-setting for us, I’ve been looking forward to a break and the lazy days - think there could be quite a bit of hospital visiting thrown in there now though.

Ned should hear back about his job next week so, just maybe, we can decline the offer of help from CCL and Gestapo might benefit indirectly.  Fenella thinks she should be kicked out on her bony little bum, and I’m sure there are others who would agree, but she didn’t ask for her husband to be a crook and I feel so sorry for the kids.

Definitely getting soft in my old age.

PM

Ned wanted to invite F&J round for a drink in the garden but I said I was too knackered.

He says I should take a tonic or something as I’m always shattered lately.

I said I’d have it with gin and a slice.

Had an early night as I really was very tired and the gin made me feel a bit nauseous.

Sunday 21
^st
June

Had agreed to babysit Grace today as Elle was accompanying Rob to a corporate lunch.

Max was totally hyper over breakfast and couldn’t wait for his ‘playmate parcel’ to be delivered.  Never seen him dressed and ready for action so early on a weekend.