Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (48 page)

Am not being greedy - have asked for a modest 50K to make us comfortable.  Of course, anything else would be a bonus but just can’t allow myself to ask for more.

Thank you Cosmos, in advance.  I’ll hold …

Sunday 26
^th
April

Praise the Lord and saints above!  We won sixty quid on the lottery last night - four numbers!

This Cosmos lark is fantastic.  Always had my doubts about the old Feng Shui business, and have now tidied ‘Steptoe’s Yard’, but am keeping ‘Fortune’ because s/he’s pretty.

It’s actually a huge relief to not have to put the loo seat down every time - especially in the middle of the night.  Have had the unpleasant experience of a semi-comatose pee on a lid that was still down and just last week I got back out of bed just to check I wasn’t at risk of letting our finances gurgle down the pan.

Just to ensure complete and continuing success, I’ve also started to tap in to my guardian angel - as advised by Rick.  He’s convinced his is called ‘Running River’, a fantastically good-looking red Indian chief.  Nic says he’s confusing it with a porn video they watched recently.  Ned just cringed.

Think my angel may be called Raphael - don’t know why but just seemed to come to me in a flash of light and Rick says that must mean I’m very tuned in.

Must remember not to talk to Raphael when in Waitrose. Being barred from Starbucks is enough for any Manor House Mummy in a lifetime.

Monday 27
^th
April

Fenella called me eager to discuss the menu ‘Naughty Mummy’ had emailed to her.

 
It read
:

‘Can’t quite believe I have given birth to such a common little girl but her requests are as follows:

Ella-Louise’s Four-Course Birthday Dinner Party

Bread sticks with ketchup and squeezy cheese

Fried bacon, sausages, eggs and baked beans

Jelly, blancmange and chocolate sprinkles

Krispy Kreme doughnuts

Coke, Fanta and Sprite

Would ask that details of this menu are not made public knowledge.  Please ensure that, where possible, organic only products are used.

Would also be grateful if you could now ‘man’ the party from 7 - 9pm as my nanny, Anushka, isn’t the brightest button in the box and I’m slightly concerned about a group of rambunctious 11 year olds running wild in my house.  Will of course pay for your time and look forward to receiving your invoice.’

Fenella only just managed to stop herself laughing to read it to me.  When she had eventually got through it she spluttered, “We’re going to be dinner ladies churning out fry-ups for posh kids in ball gowns.  What fun!  Shall we wear granny aprons and little hair nets?”

Thought how sad it was that an eleven year old girl’s dream party was to be allowed a fry-up but managed to put it to the back of my mind when we started totting up the figures.

Tuesday 28
^th
April  AM

Have worked out that the ‘Fry Up’ party will be a nice little earner, but it won’t make a massive difference to
our
bank balance - just have to believe that the Cosmos and the angels are doing their thing.

Had a quick chat to Olga this morning.  She’s now decided she’s not a lesbian after all - think the free drinks may have run dry at her local - and has set her sights on the gardener who comes twice a week.  “I vood like to make him come a few more times, if I had my vicked vay.  And of course, it’s perfect because no one is at home ven he is dere so ve can shag verever and venever ve like.  Zis is vun hanky-panky Lydia-Boss Lady
can’t
put de kibosh on!”

If I know Olga, Lydia’s garden is in danger of becoming seriously neglected - she’s a girl who always gets her man (or woman).

Back to the vet with Bazzer and it’s not looking good.  Mrs S had been in denial about his age and the vet worked out he’s probably about twenty-two.  He explained that this was a fantastic age for a budgie but he was probably nearing his end.  All too much for Mrs S as she took the now almost bald Bazzer home for his final days.

Unavoidably time to bite the bullet and call Pritesh.

PM

Spoke to Lou briefly tonight and she’s decided not to send Finn to nursery but just wait until he’s old enough for school.

Asked her if she thought this was wise as, being an only child like Max, he’d enjoy the company of other kids.

“I don’t care, Lib.  I cannae send him to any of the nurseries aroond here.  They’re just not secure and I’d ne’er forgive maself if anything happened to him. Anyway, Libs.  I’d better go.  Overspent a bit this week on the food shop and I think I may have to deliver a wee bit of marital delights, if yeh get ma drift?”

So we
all
do it then?  Just on a different scale - food bills for Lou and buying up half of Harrods for Fenella.

What a conniving bunch we are!

Wednesday 29
^th
April  AM

Spoke to Elle this morning.  The hospital have just determined that the baby’s breech so she’s booked in for a caesarean tomorrow.  Thinks she’s quite relieved she hasn’t got to go through the whole giving birth business. I was quite surprised she hadn’t booked herself in electively beforehand so that it could all be nicely sandwiched between meetings and conference calls.

Fenella had told me about one of the mums at the school (‘Horrid Mummy’) who’d had an elective caesarean at the Portland on a specified date so that she’d be recovered enough to go on a cruise
two weeks
later, leaving the baby with a Norland nanny.  “The only way to recover after the trauma of childbirth.”

Asked Elle when she was thinking of returning to work.

“Rob thinks I should wait and see how I feel about becoming a mum.  He reckons I won’t find it quite so easy to just hand over to a full time nanny and become the corporate bitch again.  Frankly, I don’t have a clue and I guess I’m lucky that he’d be able to support us if I
do
go all ga-ga and mumsy.”

Not something I could see happening, frankly, but I suppose stranger things have happened.  For instance, Gestapo actually smiled at me this morning!  The nasty side of me wondered what she was after but the good side smiled back.

PM

Showed Ned the gorgeous outfits I’d bought for the baby - thank heavens for Asda. 

Had a bit of a teary moment wandering the aisles but I didn’t let on to Ned.  Such tiny babygrows and vests and so many pretty outfits for baby girls.  Felt a stab in my heart as I realised I’d probably never have a daughter and Max would never know the joy of a sibling.

Managed to remain very brave and up-beat as I showed my bargains to Ned.  He almost set me off though when he held up a diddy little jacket and commented, “It’s a shame we only ever had Maxie, hey?”

And he pulled me in to his arms.

Thursday 30
^th
April 

Baby Grace born!

Went to see my new niece and, although I’m biased, she’s totally gorgeous.

Was dreading seeing her and finding that all I could feel was resentment, but really shouldn’t have worried as I instantly felt a rush of love for the new addition to our family.

Max said she looked a bit cross and that he hoped she didn’t think she was going to be able to boss him around when she got a bit older.  “Cos I’ll always be her
big
cousin, won’t I Mummy?”

Think he’s very excited about having another child as company but don’t think he’s realised that she’ll seem very boring for a good while before he can actually
do
anything with her.  Still, the big bonus is that he can finally join in with talk about his
cousin
. 

Have a feeling the phrase “My cousin Grace,” may be heard quite a few times at school in the next few days.

With all the excitement of the last few days, forgot to mention I met Pritesh for a coffee yesterday.  Yes, I really
did
forget and I’m not trying to hide anything.  I told Ned anyway so I can’t be accused of being underhanded or anything.  Had to be done for Mrs S’s sake and no other reason.

Why do I need to justify myself anyway?  It just felt quite nice to be away from all the money worries and in the company of a man who finds me attractive who isn’t my husband.  Far too in love with Ned to ever consider an affair but I can dream can’t I?

Slightly worried that I seem to be doing rather a lot of that lately.  Must be all the stress.  Rather a more pleasant way of dealing with it than losing my feathers, I suppose.

Friday 1
^st
May  AM

Meeting with Hinge & Bracket