Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (6 page)

Funny how such little things can make your day!  Skipped the rest of the way home, just me and my boy.

Waved to Pritesh as he arrived to visit his mum.  Mmm … quite a cute bottom.

PM

After much searching, I’ve declared us lice free.  Although I think Dog & Co may have their own freeloaders.

TO DO TOMORROW

Buy flea powder

Buy lice repellent shampoo

Try not to smirk when I see NM

Quiz Max on preferred birthday party theme

Write invite list including PP

Went to bed feeling very virtuous and a bit itchy.

Thursday 29
^th
May  AM

Bloody NM had the cheek to approach us on our way into nursery to ask Max if he would like to come to PP’s party after all as “it seems a number of children are already booked for that day!”

Was just about to make a spectacle of myself and splutter something along the lines that no one treats my son as a second best substitute, when Max piped up, “That’s very kind Mrs Osbourne, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to come either as I’m busy too.  Isn’t that right mummy?”

Such dignity at such a tender age. And such sneakiness!  Can’t think who he gets it from …

PM

Nic & Rick came round for pre-theatre drinks and nibbles.  Nic had a bottle of Moët under his arm so I should really have suspected something was afoot.  All was revealed when he cracked it open and dramatically announced, “Rick and I will be making it official in August - we’re going to become awfully wedded husbands!”

I’m really delighted for them as I can’t imagine them not being together.  Wedding should be a real hoot too!  Nothing like a gaggle of gays to make for a riotous event.

“They’re not bloody getting married, Lib.  People of the same sex cannot marry.”  Ned spouted his usual speech, after they’d left.  “They’ll be joined in a civil partnership.  It’s NOT a marriage.  People really do need to get their gay facts straight.”  He tittered a little there, pleased with his daft play on words.

“Oh quit it, homophobe!”  I giggled, knowing how this always gets his goat.

“I’m NOT a homophobe.  I’m not
scared
of them, I just don’t think it’s right.”

“Then you’re a hypocrite because you’re always as nice as pie to them.”

“Yeah, well they’re your friends Lib and I
do
like them as people.  I just have to forget about the bedroom stuff.”

Knew that the conversation would end up going nowhere so asked him what he thought about us giving them one of the puppies as a ‘civil ceremony’ present - didn’t dare mention the ‘M’ word again.

“Well, they have talked about getting a dog for a while I suppose,” he answered, “But I’m not so sure how I feel about one of our babies growing up with two fathers.”

Was as much as I could do to stop myself throwing his dinner at him.

Friday 30
^th
May  AM

As it happens, Nic & Rick were delighted when I called this morning and suggested they choose a puppy.  Ned’s secretly relieved another one is homed and Max is happy because he’ll still get to see it as well as Fenella’s and Mrs Adams has promised that he can go to see hers.  Only two to go.  Shouldn’t be too difficult.  Think we’re now all realising that Dog ‘himself’ is here to stay.  Reckon even Ned would shed a tear if he was suddenly claimed.

Saw Mrs Sengupta sweeping her front path as I left for nursery.  “Oh, Libbybeta, I was seeing that you had those funny girlie boys round last night.  You must be coming in soon for some Babycham and Barry, then you can be feeding my greed for the girlie gossip.”  Told her I’d be round for some Manilow Madness soon.  She gets so lonely and I know she’d love to hear Nic and Rick’s latest news.  Thank the Lord for broad minded geriatric Hindus.

Fenella popped round for coffee while the kids were at nursery.

“Just on my way back from a waxing” she informed me.  “Phew, that was long overdue.  Had to have the works - legs, pits, muff, nips, eyebrows - no stray pube or whisker was safe.  The leisure centre would have banned me for frightening small children before long!”

Think it’s Fenella’s honesty I love so much!

“Now, Sweedie.  I’ve got a bag of Todd’s clothes in the car that he’s outgrown - please don’t be offended but he’s quite a bit bigger than Max and there’s some nice stuff there.  Would you like it or am I being terribly rude?”

Had to laugh.  I’m not that proud that I’d reject a shed load of designer clothes!  I’ve just sorted through the bag and there’s loads of ‘Osh Gosh’, ‘Prada’ and ‘Calvin Klein’.  My son will be the trendiest Second Hand Rose in town.

She also said she had some barely worn track suit bottoms for Mrs Sengupta.  “My arse only has to sniff a Belgian truffle at the moment, and the scales go in to meltdown.  Lycra and velour must be kept well away from my buttocks for a while but I’m sure they’ll be great on Mrs Sengupta’s little bootie.”

She then added with a throaty laugh, “That gorgeous son of hers still got the hots for you?  What a fantastic way to keep a husband on his toes - ‘Delhi Desire On Tap!’”

Must remember to give her a thank you gift/hush money.  Ned’s easy-going but there’s only so far you can push a man’s tolerance.

PM

“With any luck Todd will keep growing out of non-patched school uniform too”, Ned joked over a glass of wine in the garden, “We may never need to cough up again.  Here’s to wealthy friends with bigger kids than ours.” And he raised his glass contentedly.

Doesn’t take much to please us these days!

Saturday 31st May

Think summer may be starting early.  Temperatures in the high 70’s and London doesn’t know what’s hit it.  Flesh is being exposed and it’s quite clear which bodies haven’t seen the sun for nearly a year, mine included.

Had to shave my legs with Ned’s blunt razor this morning so they’re a bit scraped and nicked.  No salon treatments for
my
excess hair.  Slapped on a bit of instant tan and decided I could just about get away with last year’s linen shorts and a strappy top.

Ned said I looked fresh and youthful and suggested we invited F&J round for an impromptu barbecue.

“I’ll cook, of course,” he added.

Why is it men always think that chucking a few steaks, sausages and burgers on a bbq constitutes as cooking?  Who does all the preparing, marinating, salads/dressings and other incidentals? 
And
runs around like a blue-arsed fly while he lounges at the coals, chatting to his buddies, swigging a beer and turning the meat occasionally.  But of course, it’s’ an ‘exacting science of rotation’ and ‘not one to be left to the hands of a fair maiden’.  Oh no Missus, we’ll leave the washing up for those.

Decided it would be a good idea and thought it would be fun to put out the paddling pool for the kids.  Ned even said he’d nip to Waitrose for the bits
and
take Max with him - a Boy’s Own Adventure.  Took full advantage of the time and surfed the web for some of MG’s salad dressings. Much nicer than shop-bought.

Soon found I didn’t have most of the ingredients (how big
is
her emergency pantry?)  Quickly texted Ned for an assortment of Waitrose’s finest.  Who can tell the difference if it’s in a fancy jug? 

Had just finished preparing the salad when Fenella, Josh and the kids arrived.

“Sorry, I look so deathly, Sweedie,” Fenella announced, “But I’ve come straight from a spray tan and I’m still in development.  Probably look like Al Jolson in a few hours!  And the smell is rank, so don’t sit next to me when you’re eating. 
You’re
looking very tanned.  What’s your secret?”

Both had a little giggle when I revealed mine was a ‘BOGOF’ from Superdrug which cost just under 4 quid for two bottles and works instantly, while hers set her back the best part of 50 and she stinks while she waits for the results!

“Please Libby.  Teach my wife your tricks of the trade before she ruins me!”  Josh begged as he made up a jug of Buck’s Fizz with the goodies they’d brought.  “Only yesterday she went out to buy a new pair of jeans and came back 500 quid lighter.  It’s an illness I tell you!”

Fenella was quick to retort, “Yes my love, it is.  And you shouldn’t mock the afflicted so let’s go and sit in Libby’s lovely garden and we’ll say no more about it.”

‘The Lads’ returned triumphant from their shopping trip and all I can say is thank God I do the grocery shopping on a weekly basis.  Couldn’t believe the amount they’d spent for one meal.  The best cuts of meat, deli sausages and organic burgers.

Realised this was maybe Ned’s way of implying to our new friends that we’re not as hard up as we look, so deliberately didn’t scream, “HOW MUCH?” when I saw the receipt.

Mrs Sengupta stuck her head over the fence at about sixish to thank Fenella for the “leisure panties”.  Asked her over for a drink but she was keen to get back to Barry on her new dibeder player.  “He is looking so much more handsome with this high revolution my Pritesh has taught me about.  He could pop in to explain to you, Libbybeta.  Anytime you are needing a good man you know where to come.”

Ned, Fenella and Josh managed to stifle their giggles as her head disappeared back over the fence.

Fenella later on drunkenly added that she thought it was splendid that I had a “man in reserve”.  “I think it’s a super idea, guys, especially one as yummy as Pritesh.  You just never know when he might come in handy.”