Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (7 page)

Ned and Josh looked slightly uncomfortable but it was interesting to know that Fenella thought he was rather tasty too, although I wouldn’t go so far as calling him my man in reserve - wonder if Fenella has one and, if so, who?  Made mental note to discuss with her at a later date.

Had a great afternoon/evening/early hours.  So nice to finally see some sun and have time to relax with friends and enjoy it.  Think we might all be paying for it tomorrow though as it was about 2am when they finally trundled off with their sleeping kids in a cab after Fenella’s final rendition of ‘My Way.’

Sunday 1
^st
June

That was summer then!

Or, as Ned quips, “I love the summer - it’s my favourite day of the year”.

Only in England can you look forlornly out of the window at the teeming rain whilst cooling your sunburn from the previous day against the glass.

Wasn’t much we could do with the day so watched ‘Toy Story 2’ for the umpteenth time and then had a late roast.

Max decided he wanted to know the difference between the chickens at the farm and the one on his plate.

Ned looked at me.  I looked at Ned.

I knew he was waiting for me to get us out of the hole but words had deserted me.  Decided to stand my ground and leave it to him.  I fob off all the difficult questions on a daily basis - “Why is that man’s nose so big?”  “How did a baby get in that lady’s tummy?”  Felt it was time for Ned to take his turn.

Wish I hadn’t.

“Well, mate.  The thing is.  There
is
no difference.  Except this one is now dead, plucked and cooked, rather succulently I must say, by Mummy.”

Don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Max’s face.  It was as if I’d slaughtered the poor thing with my bare hands.  OK, he had to know the facts but, Ned, Ned, Ned … there are ways!

“Mummy, how could you?”  Max cried.  “That poor chicken.  I won’t eat it. I won’t.  I’ll be sick.”

Oh fantastic.  A vegetarian at four, all because he’s been traumatised by his insensitive father.  Must remember not to leave the birds and the bees conversation to him.

Managed to talk Max round by explaining that if he didn’t eat meat he’d have to eat five times as many brussels sprouts and, on our exceptionally rare visits to McDonalds, he’d just have to eat the bap or a ‘nice’ salad - food of the devil to
my
son.

Cheers Ned, that’s another fine mess I got you out of.

Monday 2
^nd
June  AM

Only a month left until Max leaves nursery.  Got a bit teary thinking about it.  He’s growing up so fast.

Was cheered by a message from Fenella saying she wants to host a murder mystery night for six people and would Ned and I like to take part.  She then laughingly added that all of her friends were too “sodding boring to even entertain the idea” so would I be able to provide the third couple for the roles of ‘Madame Sinful’ (Edwardian brothel owner) and ‘Rock Hard’ (pimp and partaker of fleshly delights).

Could only really think of Nic & Rick so gave them a quick call - although the roles outlined may be slightly beyond their terms of reference.

“Oh, I don’t know Libs,” Nic pondered.  “Drag’s not really my thing.  Although I
do
quite like the idea of seeing Rick as ‘Rock Hard.’  OK, Sweets, for you I’ll do it.  Saturday week you say?  Should just about give me enough time to sort out the cozzies.  Ciao!”

Should have realised, Nic
never
turns the chance for ‘dress up’ down.

Called Fenella back and she delightedly informed me that we’d both be playing the parts of tarts with hearts and Josh and Ned were both punters.  “Should be a hoot, Lib.  I’ve always fancied doing one and I can’t wait to meet your gay friends.  Anyway must dash, I’ve got to be in Knightsbridge by noon to get the dreaded roots done.  Talk later, Sweedie.”

Stuck a load of washing on and looked at ‘
TO DO
’ list.

Added:

Sort costumes for MM night
- what on earth does an Edwardian whore and punter wear?  Not sure our wardrobes will accommodate
.

Scour charity shops and get ideas on the web.

Make hair appointment for Saturday week.
Combine having colour done with suitable Edwardian slapper style - thereby saving time
and
money.  That’s how I’ll sell it to Ned anyhow.

Try to lose a couple of pounds so I’m not ‘Bulging Whore’.

PM

Ned quite excited by the prospect of Murder Mystery - either that or the thought of Fenella and me dressed as tarts for the evening.  He blanched a little when I told him Nic was playing Madame Sinful, though.  Almost put him off his ‘Naughty Nibbles’ à la MG.

He spent a lot of the evening trying to get into character but I thought it was a bit much when he snuggled up to me in bed later and asked, “How much?”

For his sheer audacity, I treated him to a freebie.

Tuesday 3
^rd
June AM

Booked hair appointment after timely marital negotiations last night.  Panicked slightly when they said it would be 75 quid but it’s not as if I go every six weeks - more like six months - so surely Ned won’t begrudge me, especially after the extras I threw in with his gratis bonk.  If I leave them any longer my russet curls will be a frizzball beyond any manageable control.  Must remember to condition regularly once I’m coiffed and get out of the habit of a quick dollop of Max’s baby shampoo.

Found great basque in a charity shop - red satin and
almost
my size.  No more MG treats for me and, with the help of a good strapless bra, the puppies should just about stay put.  Thought I could wear it with a bustle type skirt and my lace up ‘witchy boots’.  Not quite sure how to achieve the bustle effect but, on a bad day, my bum can just about do it without any help.  Think all of that, teamed with a boa and my long satin gloves, should create the right impression.  Whoring - I was clearly made for it.

Also found a dapper waistcoat and cravat for Ned - think he’ll look quite debonair and I may need to proposition him - who knows, our newly discovered foray into role playing might start to incorporate props …

Called Nic to see if he’d given any thought to their costumes.  Silly me!  I should have known better. It was all going along with military precision and no detail would be left to chance.  They took the opportunity to transform themselves very seriously and, both ‘resting’ at the moment, welcomed the prospect with open arms.

“C’mon Libs, I can’t possibly discuss our designs with you.  It’d spoil the allure.  Let’s just say, we won’t let you down.”

If I know Nic and Rick, Fenella’s in for a treat!

PM

Ned not overly happy with just salad for dinner but, when I explained about the red basque, he went a bit glassy eyed and tucked in.  I
will
lose those pounds.

He filled up on a forgotten stash of MG’s ‘Melting Mounds’ and I finished off the rest of a bottle of Fleurie.

Oops, there’s always tomorrow to lose those pounds.

Wednesday 4
^th
June AM

Got a letter from Manor House Parents & Teachers Committee today, addressed to ‘Parents joining Seedlings class this September’.

It seems they usually have a couple of willing mums with children already at the school to act as class reps.   It went on to say, “This way, the incumbents are already familiar with the running of the school.  However, this year we have been unable to appoint Seedlings reps as existing Manor House mothers are already over-committed in other areas.  In short, we would be grateful if we could recruit a couple of ‘newbies’ to take on the roles.  They would of course be given our full support - especially in the organisation of the Christmas Fair which also falls to Seedlings this year.”

Yeah, right!  What sort of nutters would put themselves up for that?

Shortly afterwards, Fenella rang and I’m still kicking myself after giving her the go-ahead to call the school offering our services.

I know I shouldn’t have let her talk me into it but she made it sound like such fun.  Anyway, we are now ‘Fenella & Libby - Seedlings class reps’ for the next academic year and have a Christmas Fair to organise for 140 kids plus parents for November. 

Bugger, why can’t I just learn to say no?

PM

Ned almost peed himself, he laughed so hard when I told him.

“When will you ever learn, Lib?  Obviously no one wanted to do it because it’s such a shit job.  You know you’ll be cursing and tearing your hair out by November.  But of course, Fenella made it sound like
such fun. 
Honestly, that woman is so persuasive, she could make a vasectomy rate with a blow-job!”

Wasn’t too sure if I liked him thinking of Fenella at the same time as a BJ but was too exhausted to comment.  Anyway needed to have an early night as Fenella and I are meeting with the Chair of the Parent/Teacher’s committee tomorrow to get a list of our duties.

Quite excited by my new challenge, despite my apprehension.  Flicked through now-tidy wardrobe and decided on newish ‘charity shop gem’ dress - very ‘Fundraiser Mum’.