Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (4 page)

And what happens to me in these situations? Oh, that’s right, I miss out on meals altogether. They know I’m not strong enough to hunt humans myself, and yet they merrily stuff their faces with dodgy blood, not caring about the consequences. I wish they’d think about someone else for once in their lives.

S
UNDAY
23
RD
J
ANUARY

Mum and Dad are still ill and now I’m feeling weak due to lack of blood. I can’t stay off school next week, as I shall miss the chance to seduce Chloe, and someone will steal her from me.

Wait, my true love! I shall find my strength!

M
ONDAY
24
TH
J
ANUARY

I went into school today, although I’m still weak from lack of blood. If any of the teachers were observant enough to notice my condition, I’d get taken into care.

Chloe smiled at me in Maths today, but this made my fangs come out so I couldn’t smile back. If only I could express my true feelings for her. I might write a poem.

2
AM

Dad has finally seen fit to go out and get us some more blood. He even had the cheek to tell me off for not thanking him when he brought it to me. I would have thanked him if I’d had the strength, the selfish old corpse!

4
AM

I have written my poem now, and I think it shows how deep my feelings are. It’s a symbolic poem as it uses actual light and dark to stand for the lightness and darkness of my moods. I considered posting it to Chloe, but I’ve decided to wait before sharing it. Perhaps I will read it to her on our wedding night.

I WALK IN SHADOW

I Walk in shadow

  Shielding my dark desire

    You walk in sunlight

      Your eyes afire

        To join you in the light

          Oh how I long

            But it gives me spots

              And my skin feels all wrong

T
UESDAY
25
TH
J
ANUARY

Mrs Maguire did an assembly about religious tolerance today, and I went home sick.

She started her talk by showing us a crucifix on the overhead projector, which wasn’t great for me. Although it’s not true that crucifixes make vampires recoil in terror, they can give us headaches. And it’s not just crucifixes either. I can get a stinking migraine from any religious symbol. Which is why I began to feel queasy when Mrs Maguire proceeded to show us the symbols of every other major religion. I got as far as the Star and Crescent and the Yin and Yang before I had to make a dash for the exit, reeling like I was on a ferry in a storm.

I’ve been lying down for a while and feel better now. At least I’ve got PE to look forward to tomorrow. I don’t think.

W
EDNESDAY
26
TH
J
ANUARY

PE was hell on earth as expected. I didn’t want anyone to notice my pale skin while I was getting changed, so I tried to get into my PE kit really quickly and ended up tripping onto the floor.

We then had to go to the gym and jump over a vaulting horse. I couldn’t manage it, so Mr Jenkins said I had to do press-ups on the crash mat as punishment. I really hate Mr Jenkins. I hate him more than any other PE teacher I have ever had, which is saying a lot, as I must have had about forty over the years and they tend to represent the absolute lowest form of humanity.

Luckily for me, Chloe is in a different PE class. If she’d seen my humiliation at the hands of the evil Mr Jenkins, there’s no way she’d ever fancy me.

T
HURSDAY
27
TH
J
ANUARY

11
AM

We got our Science homework back today and I got a ‘C’. It’s not a very good mark, but it’s not bad enough to get me put down to the bottom set.

You’d think that after studying a subject for over eighty years, I’d be better at it. But the weird thing is that I can’t apply myself because I know that soon we’ll move towns and I’ll start the school year all over again and get another chance to learn it. As long as I do enough to coast along, my parents don’t tell me off. I’m pretty good at History, especially the bits that happened in my lifetime. I’m also really good at playing the piano, which I learned before we had a TV, but Dad won’t let me study Music at school in case it draws attention to us. Anyone would think he would be proud of his son’s talent.

5
PM

Mr Wilson went out of the room in Maths this afternoon and Wayne showed everyone a sexist magazine. It had things about football and fighting in it, but it was the pictures of girls without many clothes on that caused the most excitement. I had a look, but I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about. The pictures had been airbrushed so much that you couldn’t even see the veins in their necks. I pretended to be interested nonetheless, so I didn’t get accused of being a weirdo.

F
RIDAY
28
TH
J
ANUARY

Mrs Maguire told me off after assembly today for refusing to sing along with the hymns. I wasn’t doing it to break the rules, I was just worried that I would get a bad headache again like when I looked at the crucifix. At any rate, it’s better not to sing at all than to sing obscene alternative words like Wayne and Craig did.

In the library at lunchtime, Chloe said she admired me for sticking to my principles as an atheist, so at least some good came out of it. She gave me another boiled sweet, and her hand touched mine for a brief, forbidden moment. Like all vampires, my body temperature is very low, and Chloe seemed surprised by how cold my hand was. It’s easier to get away with this in January than it will be in summer, but by then we shall be lovers, and she’ll know of my true nature.

I need to make a move on Chloe. When I’m back in school on Monday, I’ll invite her out on a date. Or I might wait until Tuesday.

S
ATURDAY
29
TH
J
ANUARY

Today we had our annual family trip to Whitby. It’s really boring, and I’ve been there loads of times before. It’s the place where Mum and Dad first lived when they came over from France, so they go back there to talk about dull nostalgic things every year. It’s also the place where Dracula first arrives in England in Bram Stoker’s novel, which has led Dad to speculate that the character was based on him. Personally, I think it’s just a coincidence. Dracula does lots of silly things in that book, like transforming into a bat, a dog and even some fog, so it’s clearly a work of wild fancy written by someone who’s never even met a vampire.

On the way back from Whitby, Mum and Dad tried to strike up a conversation, but I didn’t feel like talking. I heard them muttering something about how I’m just going through a phase. I was going to explain to them that when something goes on for eighty-five years it hardly counts as a phase, but I couldn’t be bothered. They wouldn’t understand.

Mum and Dad wanted to play Scrabble when we got back, but I wasn’t interested. They always cheat by making up words like ‘zaqox’ and pretending they were really popular in the nineteenth century.

S
UNDAY
30
TH
J
ANUARY

Today I looked on the Internet for tips about asking girls out, but when Dad saw that I was on the computer, he got really annoyed.

He thinks that all computers are dangerous, even though he doesn’t understand them at all. He barely got the hang of typewriters before they went out of fashion.

Dad’s convinced that someone or other is going to trace us all through the Internet. What does he think I’m doing, tagging a photo of him drinking blood on Facebook? And who is he so worried about anyway? He’s always told me that we are the last four vampires left on earth, so it can’t be any of our own kind that he fears. And as for human enemies, anyone he’s offended in the past must surely be too old to be a threat by now.

I tried to show Dad the fun side of the Internet by showing him a clip of a panda sneezing, but I don’t think he understood it was supposed to be funny. If anything, I think it just made him hungry.

Dad’s so out of date he makes me cringe. Once, when Mum was planning a surprise party for my sister, he suggested that we get some hunchbacks with bells on to dance for her. I can’t believe he thought that would be appropriate. That’s not been considered an acceptable form of entertainment for centuries now.

M
ONDAY
31
ST
J
ANUARY

12
PM

I’ve decided to ask my parents to buy me a car to compensate for the extra speed I should have got when I became a vampire. It’s the least they can do really. I know they can afford it, so they have no reason to refuse me other than spite. Based on observations I’ve made of older boys, I’ve decided that Chloe would be more likely to go out with me if I had a car.

7
PM

My parents won’t buy me a car, as they say I don’t look old enough to drive it and it will draw too much attention to us. I even offered to wear a false beard every time I drive, but they still refused.

I told them that I don’t care what they think because they’re not my real parents anyway, and then ran up to my room and slammed the door.

It’s so unfair. My sister gets absolutely everything she wants, but they refuse me simple requests like this.

12
AM

I spent tonight feeling really angry with my parents for refusing to buy me a car, but I’ve calmed down now. I know I get annoyed with them, but I should at least be grateful that I’m not one of those vampires with parents who are younger than them.* Then it would be really annoying if they were strict with you.