Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (17 page)

F
RIDAY
13
TH
M
AY

They say that Friday the 13th is unlucky. Not for me it wasn’t. I had my first ever snog today!!!

Chloe let me walk her back from school, and when we were almost at her house, she let me give her a French kiss. It didn’t last long, as my fangs began to extend, and I was worried they might impale her tongue.

I then walked her up to her door and went home. And since then I’ve just been lying here in bed and feeling happy about the way things have turned out. The whole world seems different now I’ve done a proper snog.

S
ATURDAY
14
TH
M
AY

6PM

Happy birthday to me!!! Sweet 100 today!!! And now I’ve finally got a girlfriend, I don’t even feel too bad about reaching this milestone.

My human birthday is always a time for quiet contemplation, rather than family celebration like my transformation day.

I spent today looking through the bags of old possessions I keep in my wardrobe: cigarette cards from the thirties,
Star Wars
figures from the seventies and obsolete console games from the nineties. I even had a look at my photograph of the orphanage in London where I lived when I was human.

I was falling into a state of wistful reflection when another shrill and hateful dose of teen pop came blasting through the wall and snapped me out of it. Trust my sister to ruin this special day.

10
PM

I just texted Chloe goodnight. I considered phoning her, but we’ve only been going out for four days and twelve hours and I didn’t want to come across like an obsessive stalker.*

12
PM

I have been going out with Chloe for four days and fourteen hours now.

*Apparently, it is an insult to call a human a stalker. This is a great compliment in the vampire world.

S
UNDAY
15
TH
M
AY

6
PM

Today I harvested some human blood myself! Bet you weren’t expecting that. I went out for a walk this afternoon, and I was crossing the road when I heard a cry for help coming from around a bend. I saw that a man had fallen off his bike as he was turning a corner, and what a stroke of luck - he was a courier delivering blood to the hospital!

The man was dazed, so I called an ambulance on his phone. But I couldn’t resist opening up the back of his bike and making off with the blood. It was a bit naughty, but they must be aware of the temptation they’re presenting when they write the word ‘Blood’ on the front of their vehicles as if they were vampire ice-cream vans.

When I got home, Mum and Dad were very impressed that I’d managed to bring home some blood, even if it was just boring old type A+ .

10
PM

I have been enjoying the blood I collected, but now I’ve started to feel slightly guilty. What if the person it was intended for is really ill? What if the courier gets the sack for losing it? What if the donor took the morning off work to give it?

I know I shouldn’t worry about these things. Vampires are supposed to be able to glide around and glug human blood as they fancy, but I can’t help but feel guilty about the people I affect.

Perhaps I am too sensitive to be undead.

M
ONDAY
16
TH
M
AY

This morning I told Chloe how much I’d missed her over the weekend. She said she’d missed me too and that she’d got a book about vampires out of the library to learn more about my culture. I told her that if she has any questions about the subject, she should ask my parents or myself rather than reading some work of propaganda that claims we can all turn into bats.

She got very excited at the prospect of meeting Mum and Dad, and I immediately wished I hadn’t mentioned it. I can understand why she’s so curious to meet some other vampires, but I know that they’ll find some way to embarrass me if I bring her round. Wearing strange old-fashioned clothes, playing the harpsichord, biting her. That kind of thing.

But I will discuss the matter with them as I promised. Anything for my darling Chloe.

T
UESDAY
17
TH
M
AY

9
PM

Tonight I asked Mum and Dad if I could bring my girlfriend home to meet them, and I think it came as a shock. I don’t know why it should - it’s not like I’m twelve any more.

Mum said that she’d always imagined I’d settle down with a nice vampire girl. How am I supposed to do that when there aren’t any left?

Dad said that he was happy for me, but that I should think very deeply about my decision to date someone from the mortal world.

Decision? Falling in love isn’t a decision!

And think deeply? He hardly thought deeply when he was courting Mum in Paris 200 years ago. According to him, he fed on her neck within moments of meeting her, transformed her after just a week, and they’d had their vampire wedding before the month was out. He’s hardly in a position to lecture anyone about restraint.

11
PM

Dad has given me a pamphlet called
So You’re Thinking of Loving a Mortal?
It looks ancient and I’d be very surprised if it has anything relevant to say to a modern young vampire like me.

1
AM

Word has reached my sister that I have a girlfriend. Tonight she ran into my room and chanted the following:

 Nigel and Chloe in a tree

 K. I. S. S. I. N. G.

 First comes love,

 Then comes marriage,

 Then comes Chloe with a baby carriage.

What my sister has failed to understand is that when you’re in a mature and adult relationship, it’s not something you’re ashamed of, so this kind of teasing doesn’t work. Also, given that I’m a vampire, the only way we could ever have a baby would be if I transformed a human one and spent the rest of eternity feeding it blood from a bottle every time it cried. And even the broodiest vampires have realized that’s not a very clever idea.*

Though I was reluctant to sink to my sister’s level, I soon realized that the only way I could get rid of her would be to accuse her of kissing a boy in her class called Kyle Brown. This had the desired effect of making her howl in shame and dash back to her room.

*The Vampire Council used to have a strict rule that you could only transform humans between the ages of seven and seventy. Anyone younger is likely to throw dangerous public tantrums, and anyone older just looks weird when they lift up huge rocks or run faster than cars.

W
EDNESDAY
18
TH
M
AY

6
PM

This morning both Craig and John the goth asked if it was true that I was going out with Chloe. I said I had no comment on the matter, which they took as confirmation. I don’t know why everyone is so surprised I have a girlfriend. Perhaps when they’re more mature they’ll understand love.

In the afternoon we had a Biology lesson on the human digestive system, which was about how they eat food and turn it into poo. Humans are pretty disgusting when you think about it (not Chloe, she is fragrant and lovely, but all other humans are nasty).

It made me wonder about the digestive system of vampires. It’s clearly different, because we don’t need to go to the toilet, but nobody has ever found out how it works. Perhaps I should donate my sister to science so they can find out.

10
PM

This evening I’ve been reading the pamphlet that Dad gave me. Needless to say, it’s hopelessly outdated.

It’s basically a work of propaganda produced by the Vampire Council, which claims that vampires should fall in love with their own kind because loving mortals is too risky.

It says that vampires will be unable to control their desire to drink human blood, and this will cause problems. The mortal could die if too much blood is drained from them, or they could get infected with vampire blood and transform.

It says that many mortals will beg to be turned into vampires, but they won’t understand what they’re letting themselves in for. It’s a really out-of-date leaflet because it says there’s a danger of vampire overpopulation if too many humans transform, and every vampire will be fighting over the same scarce blood resources.

Overpopulation? According to Dad, we’re the last vampires left. Surely extinction is a bigger danger than overpopulation.

1
AM

I told Dad that the leaflet hasn’t put me off having a mortal girlfriend and I think he’s warming to the idea. I asked him if Chloe could come round for lunch on Sunday, and he agreed. He doesn’t have any human friends, so I had to make it very clear to him that she is coming round to eat lunch rather than to be lunch. I think he understood.

T
HURSDAY
19
TH
M
AY