Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (19 page)

W
EDNESDAY
25
TH
M
AY

Dad was out tonight so I went to his study to look for books on vampire-human relationships. The only ones I could find were written by vampire supremacists who regarded humans as little more than walking snacks, so they weren’t much use. One of Dad’s bookmarks fell out, and when I picked it up it turned out to be a letter from his ex-girlfriend, the psychic vampire.

The letter was giving him all sorts of grief about things he hadn’t done yet, and I could understand why she would have been so difficult to live with. But there was one part of the letter that I found intriguing. She mentioned some trouble that Dad would encounter this year! It wasn’t very specific. I wonder if she was referring to the time in January when he drank the blood with a high level of alcohol in it and got ill.

I was going to ask Dad about it, but I thought he might be angry with me for going through his stuff, so I decided not to say anything. Plus, if she was such a good psychic she’d have been able to predict that she was going to get beheaded in the great vampire purge of 1878, so I doubt it’s anything to worry about.

T
HURSDAY
26
TH
M
AY

Someone farted in assembly today and everyone seemed to think it was the funniest thing that had ever happened. I didn’t share their opinion. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have a human digestive system and can’t pass wind myself that I don’t find this bodily function especially funny. Or maybe I just have a more sophisticated sense of humour (I once laughed at an Oscar Wilde play).

Afterwards Chloe noted that we were the only two people in the hall who didn’t laugh, and that includes Mr Jones, who was taking assembly. She said that we are much more mature than everyone else in our school.

I suppose I ought to be mature given that I’m 100 years old. But I’ll take compliments where I can get them, especially from my darling girlfriend!

F
RIDAY
27
TH
M
AY

Chloe has invited me round to her house for a meal on Sunday. Although I’m pleased that she’s ready to take our relationship up to this level, I’m not sure how I’m going to get through it. Chloe has told her parents I’m allergic to garlic, but she needs to understand that my situation is more complicated than this. She thinks I can just swallow the food to be polite, but it doesn’t work like that. Anything I try to force down will come right back up again. Which is hardly a good first impression to make.

I suppose I could pretend to have an upset stomach, but they’ll wonder why I came round at all if I’m ill.

Perhaps if I sit next to the radiator I can slip the food down there discreetly. But this could cause an unpleasant stench, especially if they make tuna bake or macaroni cheese.

S
ATURDAY
28
TH
M
AY

I think I’ve come up with a good solution to the food problem. I’ve taken one of my dad’s old jackets and sewn a couple of plastic bags inside the sleeves. Using sleight of hand, I’ll pretend to put the food in my mouth while letting it fall into the bags. I’ve been practising, and I reckon I can do it quickly enough to avoid suspicion.

S
UNDAY
29
TH
M
AY

My food jacket was a success, at first.

I called round at Chloe’s house on time, and waited to be invited inside by her parents.* I shook hands with them, complimenting them on their choice of furniture to distract from my cold temperature.

We sat down for lunch and Chloe’s dad poured me a glass of fresh orange juice, which I pretended to sip. Chloe’s mum then served the meal she had prepared, which was roast beef, boiled potatoes and carrots. I felt sorry for her when I saw the pride with which she dished it out. If only she’d left my cut of beef out of the oven I could at least have sucked the blood out of it.

I congratulated Chloe’s mum on her cooking as I discreetly tucked it up my sleeves. When I had cleared my plate, I excused myself, locked myself in the bathroom and flushed the food down the toilet. The carrots kept floating up again and it took me five flushes to get rid of it all.

I took my place again at the table downstairs, but just when I was beginning to think I was out of the woods, Chloe’s mum produced an enormous sponge pudding and jug of custard. Despite my protestation that I was full, she insisted on doling out a huge portion. I managed to get it into the plastic bags in my sleeves, but they got so full that I had to keep my arms held up at my sides to avoid custard seepage.

I just about managed to get away with it until it was time to leave and Chloe’s dad held out his hand for me to shake. Not wanting to let the custard slide onto his hand, I was left with no choice but to shout ‘High five!’ He looked rather surprised but held his hand up and I slapped my palms against his.

As soon as I was out of sight, I poured the foul custard down the drain.

*I waited out of politeness, although I’m also rather superstitious about entering human residences. According to folklore, vampires experience intolerable pain if they enter a home without first being asked in.

As ever, the myth doesn’t really stand up to scrutiny. Does everyone who lives there have to invite you in? Do you need permission from the landlord if they’re renting? What are the rules for caravans?

Nonetheless, I don’t feel it’s worth the risk. ‘Intolerable pain’ doesn’t sound much fun to me.

M
ONDAY
30
TH
M
AY

The school holidays started again today, and for once they were welcome, as I got to spend some quality time with Chloe away from the attention of the school gossipers.

This morning we went down to the shopping centre. Chloe said that people who spend their lives looking around shops are shallow and materialistic, so we bought some serious newspapers and went for a coffee. Chloe had a frappuccino, and I got a cup of ice and poured some blood into it from my flask. I felt like a normal well-adjusted teenager, sipping a frappuccino in a coffee franchise with my girlfriend. Admittedly, it was a human blood frappuccino, but apart from that it was completely normal and well-adjusted.

I couldn’t find much in the serious newspaper that interested me. There was a page of computer game reviews and a couple of cartoon strips, but that was about it. Chloe read all the news stories in her paper, though, even the ones about other countries! She is so mature!

T
UESDAY
31
ST
M
AY

I went out for a romantic walk in the countryside with Chloe today. It was nice to walk at human pace instead of trying to keep up with my family.

Chloe said I should take my jacket off because it was hot, but I said I didn’t want to in case I got a rash. She said that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my rashes as they are part of who I am as a vampire. Let’s hope she’s this understanding about vampire culture when I ask to drink her blood!

I tied my jacket against my waist and felt a wonderful sense of abandon as I waved my bare arms around. When I got home, Mum saw my red arms and went mad at me for forgetting to put sunblock on. I told her I was in love and had no time for such trivial concerns.

W
EDNESDAY
1
ST
J
UNE

Chloe is going to Wolverhampton to see her aunt tomorrow. When I tried to persuade her to stay here with me, she said that she couldn’t neglect her family duties, but because of the request I made in my poem she’s decided to let me sit in the tree outside her bedroom window and watch her sleep.

I can’t do many of the romantic things that vampires do for human women, like carrying them to Paris for the weekend, but I’m sure I can manage to sit in a tree for a few hours. I have arranged to be in the tree at half past twelve tonight, after her parents have fallen asleep, at which point Chloe will open her bedroom curtain.

Spoilt brat update:
My sister has announced that she wants learn to ride a pony. What a ridiculous idea! Imagine the fuss all the animals would make if she strolled into a pony trekking centre. I told her about my experience in the zoo but she took no notice.

Even if the ponies were stupid enough to let my sister near them, how long would she be able to resist sticking her teeth into one of their veiny necks?

When will my sister accept that she’s not the princess of a magical rainbow kingdom, but a ruthless and bloodthirsty killer like the rest of us?

Spoilt brat newsflash:
My parents told my sister she isn’t allowed pony lessons. Anyone would think they were rational, fair and sensible. I don’t know why they’re acting so out of character.

T
HURSDAY
2
ND
J
UNE

Chloe has gone to Wolverhampton now, and I’m resting at home in bed, feeling a little sore after my night in the tree.

I arrived at half past twelve as agreed, but I couldn’t get up the tree at first. I ended up having to use the ladder from the back of their shed, which hardly enhanced the atmosphere of supernatural romance.

When Chloe saw me in the tree, she waved and then went to bed. It took her a while to go to sleep, because every time she opened her eyes to check I was still there, this made me laugh, and then she laughed too.

When she did get to sleep, I have to confess that I found the experience pretty dull. I stared at her and thought about my undying love for an hour or so, but then my mind began to wander. I was tempted to nip down to the allnight garage and buy a magazine, but I was worried that she might wake up and question the seriousness of my feelings.

Around 3am, I took my phone out of my pocket and played Snake until the batteries died. Chloe started snoring at round 4am, and it was so loud I could hear it through the glass. She woke up at 6.30am, waved goodbye through her window and then I left.