Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (18 page)

1
PM

Wayne has found out that Chloe and I are an item, and apparently I’m going to fight him in the playing fields after school. I’m dreading it, not because I’m scared of Wayne, but because I hate it when everyone stares at me.

Chloe said she was disappointed with me for agreeing to the fight. I tried to explain to her that I hadn’t agreed, and had simply been informed by Craig that I would be taking part. For all I know, Wayne might have found out in exactly the same way.

Chloe then said that she’s refusing to attend the childish fight that’s being held in her honour and doesn’t care who wins.

3
PM

Craig passed me a note in Maths that said that Wayne is claiming to have snogged my mum. Wayne would be lucky to escape with his life if he ever tried!

I think Craig is stirring it up.

7
PM

I’ve had my first ever fight now, and I have to say I found the whole thing very awkward. I dutifully made my way to the playing fields this afternoon with an angry Wayne and an excited group of onlookers.

Once we were a good distance from the staff window, we dumped our bags on the floor, and waited for everyone to cluster round.

Craig lead the crowd in a rousing chant of ‘Have a fight! See who’s best!’ Wayne then gave me a shove, but I couldn’t really be bothered pushing him back, so I just stood there. He seemed really angry, so I can only guess what Craig claimed I’d done to his mum.

I tried to defuse the situation by explaining to Wayne that I had made no attempt to seduce Chloe until she dumped him. Rather than calming him down, this made him even angrier, and he threw a series of clumsy slaps at me. Feeling no pain, and unaware of what the appropriate thing to do was, I suggested that we forget the whole silly business. I thought my attempts to make peace had succeeded. However, I saw glint of true rage in his eyes and realized that he was preparing to throw a punch.

Unsure what else to do, I watched in curiosity as Wayne’s fist hit me. I had a vague sense that I should pretend to be hurt when it made contact, but I felt too self-conscious to put on an act.

It didn’t matter anyway, as within a second of hitting me, Wayne was rolling around on the floor. It seems that when Wayne’s hand crushed into my icy face, a bone in his index finger snapped.

Sensing that something serious had happened, most of the onlookers fled the scene. I offered to help Wayne, but he told me not to touch him so I skulked off home.

F
RIDAY
20
TH
M
AY

1
PM

As soon as I got inside the school gates I was besieged by pupils asking me if it was true that I beat up Wayne so badly he had to go to hospital. Even members of the tough gang were looking at me with admiration. Where were these fair-weather friends when I was being accused of spreading monkey bum disease?

I didn’t really care what they thought. I was more concerned that Chloe would be angry with me for being violent.

I caught her in the corridor on the way to Maths and she said that she’d heard about the fight. I was about to explain that I hadn’t acted in aggression, when she gave me a big kiss! And after she’d said she was a pacifist!

After 100 years on this planet, I am still no closer to understanding girls.

7
PM

For a while today I was almost starting to feel proud of my victory. But by the afternoon, word had reached the teachers that I beat up Wayne and the headmaster took me into his office for a completely unfair telling off.

To be honest, getting told off by the headmaster isn’t the harsh experience it once was, when you’d join a row of wrongdoers and wait for a whack of the cane.

But the punishment you get now is worse in its own way. We had to have a chat about my ‘aggressive tendencies’, and I was forced to say that I now regretted my actions, which had made me less popular with my fellow pupils (the opposite is true), and that I’d learned that violence doesn’t solve anything. The headmaster droned on about my ‘anger issues’ for a while, but he eventually let me go.

S
ATURDAY
21
ST
M
AY

I saw Jay and Baz from the tough gang riding a shopping trolley around their estate this afternoon. They’d heard about the fight, and called me over to ask if I was a ‘hard case’. I said I was and they told me to prove it by riding the trolley down a flight of steps. I was happy to rise to their challenge, even though I couldn’t really see the point.

The trolley tipped over at the bottom of the stairs, and I flew out and broke my wrist. I hid it in my jacket pocket while it healed, and Jay and Daz seemed impressed by my daring. I hope they don’t ask me to become a full-time member of the tough gang, though. These sorts of hi-jinx would get very boring if you did them every day.

This evening I told Dad about the fight and Chloe’s unexpected reaction, and he said that women always love it when men fight over them, even though they pretend they don’t. Dad’s views about women are often very outdated, but I think he might be on to something this time.

I phoned Chloe tonight, and she said she’s looking forward to coming round to my house tomorrow. I warned her not to crack any jokes about turning into bats or sleeping in coffins, as these are offensive to my people.

S
UNDAY
22
ND
M
AY

Chloe came round today. I was worried that the visit might feel awkward, but I forgot about the mesmeric effect that my parents have on humans. Far from sitting in uncomfortable silence, Chloe instantly fell under their spell.

As they made small talk with Chloe, I could see her glancing from Dad to Mum, entranced by them. She didn’t even mind when my sister barged rudely in for a stare.

After about an hour of chatting, we moved into the dining room and I was concerned to see that Mum and Dad had set places for all of us at the table. Mum microwaved a meal of chicken and vegetables for Chloe, and spooned it out onto the plate as if it were dog food.

Chloe thanked her and started eating. However, the atmosphere turned less cosy when Mum served glasses of blood for the rest of us. I think my parents just wanted to join in with Sunday lunch so Chloe wouldn’t have to eat on her own, but it’s easy to forget how disconcerting the sight of blood-drinking can be to a non-vampire. Especially if you let it run all down your chin like my messy sister did!

Chloe lost her appetite and left the rest of her food. She kept on smiling politely, but you could tell she felt uncomfortable, and she left shortly afterwards. This is what happens with humans. They find the idea of vampires glamorous and romantic, but the reality less pleasant.

I can only hope that my parents’ rash behaviour hasn’t turned her against me.

M
ONDAY
23
RD
M
AY

This morning I asked Chloe if seeing us drink blood had put her off me. She said that she’d found it a little disturbing, but she understood it was part of our culture. She is so tolerant and understanding!

I think she’s right. I don’t see any reason why I should be ashamed of my need to drink blood. It might look unpleasant, but so do hundreds of things that humans do all the time like wearing tight swimming trunks or combing their hair all the way across their heads when they go bald.

At any rate, human women are happy to let babies feed on their breasts, and that looks pretty disgusting to me. Is neckfeeding really so much worse than breastfeeding?

Of course, some would say that feeding on humans is unethical because it can weaken or kill them, but I don’t think it’s as bad as a lot of the things humans do. I bet if you added together all the injuries and deaths that have ever been caused by vampires, they wouldn’t approach the damage mankind inflicts upon itself in the average war.

One of the best things about having a girlfriend is that it helps you to accept yourself and find confidence. For the first time in my life, I no longer feel ashamed of being a vampire.

T
UESDAY
24
TH
M
AY

9
AM

I finally feel close enough to Chloe to share my poetry with her. I have written a new one, which I intend to show her today. I put lots of care into it, and even used a Thesaurus, which lists lots of words that mean the same thing, so you can write longer poems.

BLOOD SYMPHONY

As you sleep I watch

  The moonlight on your neck

    And listen to your blood.

      It is a harmony of haemoglobin.

        A symphony of sanguine fluid.

          A prelude of plasma.

            A concerto of claret.

              A guitar solo of gore.

                Play on, sweet music.

3
PM

I gave Chloe a copy of the poem today and she said it was very good. She covered up her neck when she read it, though, so perhaps some of the imagery was a little too explicit.