Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (13 page)

Perhaps I should stop moaning about my life and appreciate the good things about it. I’ll never go bald, I’ll never get fat and I’ll never develop a taste for chunky knitwear. Plus, I’ll have a girlfriend for the very first time as soon as I get round to asking Chloe out. All in all, things are looking up.

S
UNDAY
3
RD
A
PRIL

I went downstairs to get some blood from the fridge this afternoon and I saw Mum and Dad snogging on the sofa. It was so disgusting I nearly lost my appetite. You’d think that after 200 years of marriage, the spark would have gone, but they’re still all over each other.

I think part of the reason why Dad appreciates Mum so much is that he had so many problems with vampire women in the past.

One of his ex-girlfriends was a psychic vampire who kept getting in bad moods with him over rows they hadn’t even had yet, and she even locked him out of the house for forgetting their next anniversary. In the end, she came right out and told him that he was going to split up with her and that he didn’t want to see her again.

Another of his ex-girlfriends was both telepathic and a constant nagger. If she wanted him to put up some shelves or clean the house she’d repeat the message in his brain for hours on end. Even when he went out he couldn’t escape it.

But worst of all Dad’s ex-girlfriends was the one who had mind-control powers. Dad said that he would often come round in a daze and find himself buying her an expensive gift. He couldn’t even relax in front of a game of wrestling, boxing or shin-kicking without being struck by the urge to go home and have a cosy night in.

After all that hassle it must have been a relief to go out with a normal vampire.

M
ONDAY
4
TH
A
PRIL

We’ve all got to be at school for half past eight tomorrow morning so we can get on the coach for the zoo trip. I’m going to wait there from eight to make sure no one else sits next to Chloe. The last thing I want is for Wayne to worm his way next to her and be a ‘smooth operator’.

I will offer Chloe the window seat, to show to her how selfless and caring I am. I shall even buy some of those boiled sweets she likes.

Tomorrow’s going to be good for me. I can sense it.

T
UESDAY
5
TH
A
PRIL

Let’s just say that the school trip wasn’t a resounding success.

As we got on the coach, I made sure I was sitting next to Chloe. I could see Wayne wanted to barge in, but I didn’t let him. Chloe and I had a good chat on the journey there and I demonstrated my maturity by resisting the temptation to laugh when the coach went past a tramp and Craig told Darren to wave at his dad.

Anyway, we had a nice enough journey, but the zoo itself was a disaster. As soon as I stepped through the turnstile, I could hear yelps of panic coming from the cages. I asked Chloe to hang back with me, so we could break away from the other pupils.

The first animals we passed were the meerkats, who all stood on their hind legs and nudged each other disapprovingly. Next, we walked past a lion that retreated to the back of its cage and roared obnoxiously at me. But it was the monkeys that really drew attention to me. As I passed them, they formed into a threatening rank and howled at me. They threw rocks from their enclosure with scary precision, hitting my head a few times. I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, but it became harder to shrug off when the little monsters began to hurl themselves with great force against their cage. By this point frightened yelps and howls were coming from every direction and an angry zookeeper threw me out for provoking the animals. I hadn’t even done anything!

I ended up waiting in the coach on my own while Chloe spent the day with Wayne! And they sat together on the way back! I can only hope that the smell of the cages put him off making a pass at her in the zoo.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I found that Craig had spread the rumour that the monkeys threw their poo at me and that I ran away in tears. Why couldn’t we just have gone to the Science Museum like last year?

W
EDNESDAY
6
TH
A
PRIL

It’s amazing how quickly you can become a social outcast. Just a week ago, I was riding high in the popularity stakes following my Mercy victory over Jay from the tough gang. Now, everywhere I go, I’m greeted by mocking laugher and cruel jibes. Overnight, my very name has become an insult. I know this because I heard a pupil I’ve never spoken to saying ‘Don’t be such a Nigel’ in the corridor this morning.

At break time, I saw that an obscene picture had been taped to my locker. It depicted me crying and covered in monkey excrement and the words ‘Nigel has monkey bum disease’ were written underneath it. The picture was unsigned, but from the crude style, I’d say the perpetrator was Wayne.

Chloe wasn’t in the library at lunchtime, but I decided to sit there on my own rather than look for her. I have no desire to drag her into the scandal.

Resigned to my social failure, I deliberately chose to sit next to Darren in Maths this afternoon. But guess what? This time
he
built a barrier out of textbooks to block
me
out. Even that old fleabag considers me
persona non grata
.

T
HURSDAY
7
TH
A
PRIL

Today I tried to explain to everyone that the monkeys had thrown rocks and not faeces, but they wouldn’t listen. I tried to tell Craig, but he made monkey noises every time I opened my mouth. I even tried to explain it to the girls from the popular gang but they ran away whenever I went near them in case they caught my monkey bum disease.

Once again Chloe was absent from the library at lunchtime. Perhaps she is also worried about contracting the disease.

F
RIDAY
8
TH
A
PRIL

My life is over.

Yesterday lunchtime, Wayne asked Chloe out and she said yes. Unconfirmed reports suggest that they’ve already snogged.

As soon as I heard the news I went home. It is now approaching nightfall and I’m still too upset to write anything more. If these words are hard to read, it’s probably because I’ve smudged them with bitter tears.

I have faced many challenges and setbacks in my time on this planet, but this latest blow is too much. I am simply too sensitive for this world.

S
ATURDAY
9
TH
A
PRIL

It is now the Easter holidays. I have a couple of weeks off to try and process what has happened.

How am I going to get through the days?

How am I going to survive?

I know that great art can come from great heartbreak, so I will try and express my feelings in a poem when I have the strength to write more.

S
UNDAY
10
TH
A
PRIL

I have now written my heartbreak poem. It is very deep and moving, and contains old-fashioned words like ‘doth’. It was very difficult to put my pain into words, but at least it means that mankind will be able to look back and understand the true depth of my feelings.

MY LOVE HAS BEEN STOLEN

  My love has been stolen

    And I am in hell

      Now in my heart

        Nightmares doth dwell.

          My love has been stolen

            Am I am in grief

              How could she forsake me

                For a boy with bad teeth?

M
ONDAY
11
TH
A
PRIL

I am too upset to drink blood. This lunchtime Dad noticed that I hadn’t touched the flask he brought to my room yesterday and asked if anything was wrong. Like, duh! Earth to Dad! My life fell apart on Friday and it’s taken him this long to work out that something is wrong.

Of course, I told him nothing. He wouldn’t understand anyway. He’s never had any problems attracting women.

God, I hate him. Sometimes I wish he’d never transformed me.

T
UESDAY
12
TH
A
PRIL

I went for a walk in the countryside today and spent a couple of hours looking over the edge of a cliff. I wanted to end it all by jumping off, but then I remembered that it wouldn’t really end anything.

No matter how many bones I broke, I’d only lie on the floor until my body mended and then I’d have to get up and continue my miserable existence.

The only thing I’d really be putting at risk would be my phone, which would get crushed, and then I’d have to go back to using my old one, which doesn’t have a c olour screen.

It wouldn’t even hurt, as I don’t feel pain. But I make up for this with the emotional pain I feel, which is the worst anyone has ever experienced in history.

W
EDNESDAY
13
TH
A
PRIL

When you think about it, it’s not very easy for a vampire to end it all. Even if you had the strength, it would be hard to drive a stake through your own heart, and beheading yourself would be tricky.

Dad once told me that the Archduchess of Austria managed to chop her own head off on a guillotine when Aldric of Lyons left her for a younger vampire during the French Revolution, but this is probably just another one of his tall stories.

I once saw a jar of garlic capsules in a health food shop, and wondered if I would die if I washed the lot down with holy water. I don’t really want to try, though. I’ll probably just get the worst migraine in vampire history. And my sister will choose that exact moment to blast out her teen pop at full volume.

No, I have no choice but to navigate this eternal river of loneliness in a boat of solitude.