Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (15 page)

At lunchtime, I provided her with a shoulder to cry on, and found out the details. Apparently, Chloe saw one of Wayne’s sexist magazines in his bedroom, and said that she didn’t approve of it. Instead of at least pretending to throw it away, Wayne defended it and said that girls only complain about these magazines because they’re jealous. Chloe then dumped him for being a chauvinist.

If only I’d told Chloe that Wayne was a sexist a couple of weeks ago, I could have avoided all that heartache. According to Craig, Wayne’s side of the story is that he dumped Chloe because she is ‘frigid’. I looked this up in a dictionary and discovered that it means she has a cold temperature. Just like me! This proves we are destined to be together!

The playground was buzzing with the news of the breakup today, and Brian said to me that I should grab Chloe on the rebound. Although I’m reluctant to take romantic advice from someone whose girlfriend looks like an extra from
Lord of the Rings
, I think he might actually be on to something here.

W
EDNESDAY
27
TH
A
PRIL

7
AM

Today is the day I’m going to finally ask Chloe to be my girlfriend. I can’t risk losing her again. This time I’m really going to do it.

The time of our dark union approaches, my beloved.

8
AM

Here I go! This is the last entry I shall write before finding true happiness.

10
AM

I waited outside the school gates for Chloe this morning, but when she arrived she was with two girls from the popular gang, who were grilling her for gossip about the split. When will these vultures let her move on with her life?

11
AM

I said hello to Chloe after Assembly, but she was late for Maths so I didn’t feel it was the right moment to declare my love. Timing is everything in the eternal dance of seduction.

12
PM

I am now sitting in the library and waiting for Chloe to arrive. The girls from the popular gang never come here at lunchtime, so I’m certain she’ll be alone this time. I’m so nervous I’ve chewed off my entire fingernail and I’m currently waiting for it to grow back.

2
PM

I did it! I asked Chloe to be my girlfriend! And - she said she’d think about it! Brilliant! I think.

In truth, at first she seemed rather embarrassed by my request, and said that she didn’t want to jump into a relationship so soon after finishing with Wayne. I said I knew she was worried that Wayne would be upset to see her getting over him so quickly, but that she should put her bad experience behind her and follow her heart. She seemed swayed by my argument, and told me she’d consider it and let me know her answer tomorrow.

12
PM

Tomorrow will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Ever since I got home, I’ve been lying in bed and wondering what Chloe will say. I wish I had vampire mindreading skills like Dad’s ex-girlfriend. At least that would get me out of the torture of waiting to discover my fate.

T
HURSDAY
28
TH
A
PRIL

Well, I have my answer now. Chloe has said that she likes me as a friend, but she doesn’t want to go out with me. She was waiting outside the gates before school to drive these words into my heart. Needless to say, I went straight back to bed and I’ve been here ever since.

To the annals of vampire lore, please add the following:

Throughout the history of our species, it’s been thought that the most effective ways to destroy a vampire are to behead them or drive a stake through their heart. However, I have now discovered that telling a vampire that you like them as a friend but don’t want to go out with them is far more effective.

That is all.

F
RIDAY
29
TH
A
PRIL

I somehow managed to muster the strength to get out of bed today and trudge through my weary life.

As I was about to enter the school gates, I noticed that Chloe was once again waiting for me. I wondered what further punishment life could have in store for me. Perhaps she had decided that she didn’t even like me as a friend any more.

Chloe told me that she knew I’d been upset yesterday, and wanted to explain herself. She said that she wasn’t ready to have another boyfriend so soon after dumping Wayne, and that she was afraid that I would also end up hating her if we split up too, and that I’m the only proper friend she’s made since she moved to this town.

She asked me if I was fine with all this and I pretended that I was. But I think that there is hope. I think there’s hope once again.

S
ATURDAY
30
TH
A
PRIL

I spent today looking through Dad’s books for tips on how to get off with girls who only like you as a friend.

There was very little advice to be gleaned from them, which is hardly surprising when you consider that every other vampire in history was too beautiful to need advice on how to attract the opposite sex.

But I did find an interesting passage in a large book called
Thomas of Arundel’s Vampire Almanac for the Year 1739, Being the Third After Leap Year, Wherein Is Contained Lessons for the Undead Regarding Industry, Temperance and Frugality
(I’m guessing they weren’t bothered about snappy book titles back then).

Inside, there was an account of a vampire from Devon who became infatuated with the only girl in his village who was immune to his powers of mesmerism. It says that in the end he got so impatient that he had to come right out and tell her he was a vampire to make her fall in love with him.

It said that all human women find vampires irresistible, but sometimes you need to reveal your supernatural status to make them fall for your charms. This sounds like a rather biased claim, but it’s got to be worth a try.

S
UNDAY
1
ST
M
AY

I have no idea how to tell Chloe I’m a vampire. Obviously, I can’t ask my parents for advice, as they’d go mad if they knew I was telling a human about us.

It’s a bit of a risk I suppose. For all I know, Chloe could be a vampire slayer posing as an ordinary schoolgirl with a secret undercover mission to destroy me and pick off my family one by one.

I must cease these paranoid thoughts! Everyone knows that vampire slayers don’t even exist! They were just a scare story created by the vampire media hundreds of years ago to sell more pamphlets.

But it’s possible she might be prejudiced against my kind. She might be opposed to blood-drinking on ethical grounds, like she is with foxhunting. I’m certainly not going to tell her about the hierarchy of victims outlined by the Vampire Council, as she is a liberal and would find it abhorrent.

M
ONDAY
2
ND
M
AY

Wayne has accused me of stealing Chloe from him, even though I’m not actually going out with her yet. He told Craig to tell Paul to tell Si that he wants to fight me. Fearing that my reply would be deliberately misreported if I sent it back through these channels, I spoke to Wayne directly at lunchtime, letting him know that I’m not actually going out with Chloe, and that I don’t want to fight him.

I hope I’ve straightened it out, as I really don’t want to have to fight in front of everyone. Although Wayne couldn’t do much to hurt me, I know nothing about combat.

Dad once tried to teach me vampire martial arts, but there’s not much point in learning them if you don’t have supernatural strength and speed in the first place. Whenever I tried to chop blocks of wood with my hand, I kept breaking my wrist, and we’d have to wait around for it to heal. In the end, he got impatient and told me it would be better if I just phoned him if I was ever in danger.

T
UESDAY
3
RD
M
AY

5
PM

I tried to drop hints about my true nature to Chloe today, but she didn’t pick up on them.

First I asked her if she’s ever wondered why she’s never seen me eating, but she thought I was trying to tell her I was anorexic, and said that I should tell the school nurse.

Next, I asked her if she’s ever wondered why I’m so good at History. She pointed out that she beat me on the last test we had, so this clue didn’t really work.

I then tried to change tack and told her that I don’t sleep, but this only made her think I was saying I had insomnia. She said that I should consider buying a herbal remedy or a book of relaxation techniques.

In the end I decided to go for broke and show her my high pain threshold and healing powers. I got the compasses out of my geometry set and was about to dig the point into my hand when she reached out to stop me.

She told me that she could see I was disturbed and that I mustn’t harm myself just to prove it to her. She said that I should tell my doctor about the problems I’d revealed to her as they sounded serious.

Great. So now she thinks I’m a self-harming anorexic insomniac. That’s hardly going to increase my sex appeal (except with goth girls). Revealing my true nature to Chloe might prove more difficult than I thought.

12
PM

I’ve noticed that vampires in films make sly references to their nature when seducing human prey, so I’ve decided to slip these kinds of intriguing lines into conversation with Chloe. I’ve already come up with a few sophisticated ways to imply my nature:

‘Music was so much better in the twenties. ’

‘I don’t like
Dracula
. It’s not very realistic. ’

‘Is that type O- I can smell?.’

‘Your heartbeat sounds fast today. ’

‘I apologize if I seem tetchy. I’ve been awake for the last 737,208 hours. ’

W
EDNESDAY
4
TH
M
AY

The subtle and sophisticated approach turned out to be a waste of time. I even took to raising my eyebrows before making the vampire references, but the penny didn’t drop. I think I’m going to have to be more direct.

Stupid Mr Jenkins is getting back on my case about PE lessons now that I’ve been off for three months. When he passed me in the hall at lunchtime he said I was looking well. He was trying to catch me out, but I replied that my back still hurt.