Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (14 page)

Note to self:
I must remember to include this powerful image in a poem.

T
HURSDAY
14
TH
A
PRIL

8
AM

There’s only a month to go until I turn 100. I can’t believe I’m nearly 100 and I haven’t even fed on a girl’s neck yet. Most vampires have done it loads of times when they reach that age.

12
AM

My parents suggested that we go for a family hike today. Needless to say I refused. In the end, they went off without me, saying that I didn’t know what I’m missing.

I do know what I’m missing - the point of existence.

2
AM

I once read that a huge asteroid is going to destroy the world in a few hundred years. I’m willing it to hurry up, but I’ve got a suspicion that even the destruction of the world won’t kill me. I’ll just end up floating aimlessly around space for the rest of eternity. It won’t be that different from my current life, when you think about it.

F
RIDAY
15
TH
A
PRIL

How could this cruel universe let me get so close to happiness and then snatch it from me?

It is like glimpsing a rainbow only to be condemned to darkness. It is like hearing beautiful music only to be condemned to silence. It is like smelling sweet rose petals before being condemned to Maths teacher breath.

I am truly at rock bottom.

S
ATURDAY
16
TH
A
PRIL

11
AM

The hair I tape over my diary to make sure no one opens it has been broken!

I am so angry with my sister! I know she is the culprit because no one else has been in our house and my parents are too self-absorbed to care about what I’m going through. I am absolutely fuming. As soon as Mum and Dad go out hunting tonight, I intend to confront her.

11
PM

I would like to make a correction. When I wrote yesterday that I was at rock bottom, I got it wrong. I have just been beaten up by my little sister.
Now
I am at rock bottom.

When Mum and Dad went out, I dashed into her room and told her that I knew she’d been reading my diary. At first she denied it but when I told her about the hair, she had no choice but to confess. She said she’d only looked at it for a couple of minutes anyway because it was really boring.

I know that as a child, she can hardly be expected to understand the depth of emotion I deal with in these pages, but I must admit that this criticism sent me into a violent rage and I attempted to strike her.

As I’ve previously mentioned, my sister has all the mighty speed and strength expected of vampires, so she easily caught my hand, twisted it behind my back and slammed me into a headlock. She held me in this position until I promised not to lash out again and admitted that my real name was ‘Mr Smellypants’.

You might have won this one, little fiend. But I shall never forget this mistreatment.

S
UNDAY
17
TH
A
PRIL

The only positive thing to come from my recent experiences is that I’m writing poetry of even greater intensity than before. My poems are now getting so profound they don’t even rhyme.

THE HUNTER

If I am the biter why am I bitten?

  If I am the attacker why am I attacked?

    If I am the hunter why am I hunted

      By despair?

In the future, scholars will look back on this period as a great time for my art. But that doesn’t matter to me. I write poetry to express myself and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it.

Note to self:
Look into possibility of getting poems published.

M
ONDAY
18
TH
A
PRIL

I ventured out of the house today to try and get some air, but I soon wished I hadn’t when I saw Wayne and Chloe waiting together at the bus stop. They were getting the number 32 to the leisure mart, perhaps to go bowling, see a film or get a pizza.

And while they enjoy the taste of mozzarella, pepperoni and cheese-filled crusts, I shall taste only bitter despair. With an extra topping of depression.

(
Note to self:
Look into possibility of bequeathing diary to the British Library. These insights into heartbreak must not be lost.)

Perhaps I should leave town. Mum and Dad reckon we’re the last vampires left, but I bet there are still some other undead families they don’t know about in places like Sweden and Alaska.

Or maybe I’ll be killed by a vampire slayer, and then my poetry will be discovered and the world will realize what it’s lost. Too late, world. You should have appreciated me when you had the chance.

T
UESDAY
19
TH
A
PRIL

I popped out to buy the new issue of my computer games magazine this morning and I heard an old lady complaining about a recent illness in the newsagent. It sounded suspicious, so I took a close look at her neck, and sure enough there were a couple of bite marks right above the collar of her blouse.

I can’t believe my parents have been up to their tricks yet again! They are insatiable! It’s difficult enough coping with a broken heart without having to worry about an angry mob driving a stake through it because they’ve discovered my true identity. And all because my parents cannot be bothered to go further afield to hunt for me. They are so lazy.

As usual, they denied everything when I confronted them this evening, but who else could have done it?

W
EDNESDAY
20
TH
A
PRIL

I was scared to go out today in case I saw Wayne and Chloe again. It would simply be more than I could stand to see that rotten-toothed fool parading around with the only girl I have ever loved. But I couldn’t face another day of staring at my wall either, so I went to the shopping precinct and sat on a bench. An old man stood next to me and said he could see I was troubled. At least somebody noticed!

He asked me what the problem was, but when I started to tell him, it didn’t take long for him to twist the conversation to the subject of Jesus. I looked up and saw that he was handing out flyers for the local church youth group. His crucifix pendant was dangling right in my face, so now I’ve got a horrible migraine as well as severe depression. I think I’ll stay in tomorrow.

T
HURSDAY
21
ST
A
PRIL

Today was so pointless that when I tried to write about it a moment ago, my pen ran out because it couldn’t take the boredom. It took me ages to find a new one and after all that effort I can exclusively reveal that nothing interesting happened today.

I stayed in bed this morning, and this afternoon I went for a walk and kicked over a traffic cone in anger. A moment later I started feeling guilty and went back to put it upright again. How pathetic. I’m supposed to be a prince of darkness, and I can’t even overturn a traffic cone.

Another brilliant day, then.

Note:
I was being ironic in that last statement. Thought I might need to point that out in case my sister steals my diary and reads it again.

F
RIDAY
22
ND
A
PRIL

I have written a new poem today. I will let it speak for itself.

THE PREDATOR

I am the predator

  Who wants to suck your blood.

    So how can it be that

      You sucked the life from me

        With rejection?

          It sucks.

S
ATURDAY
23
RD
A
PRIL

Today is St George’s Day. There’s an ancient superstition that vampires are most active on St George’s Day. I was a pretty good argument against it today, as I did nothing but stare at my bedroom ceiling and reflect on how I’ve ruined my life.

S
UNDAY
24
TH
A
PRIL

Now it is Easter Sunday, where everyone makes a big deal about somebody who came back from the dead 2,000 years ago.

And what about me? I came back from the dead much more recently than that but nobody seems interested. Oh that’s right, I forgot, no one ever cares about anything I do.

M
ONDAY
25
TH
A
PRIL

No school today, as it’s Easter Monday. Not that I am looking forward to the torture of going back and seeing Wayne and Chloe holding hands.

Using my calculator, I’ve worked out that I’ve been awake for 30,717 days now. That’s 737,208 hours without so much as a snooze. No wonder I’m getting tired.

T
UESDAY
26
TH
A
PRIL

A ray of hope has entered my life! Chloe has dumped Wayne!