Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (11 page)

F
RIDAY
18
TH
M
ARCH

I wore my new black trousers and shirt from the goth shop to No Uniform Day. I looked quite cool, but my scuffed old shoes let my outfit down.

Chloe looked like a bit of a goth herself in a black t-shirt and a long black skirt, which I took as further proof that I’m just her type, although she doesn’t quite realize it yet.

Craig wore an expensive pair of white air-cushioned trainers rather than the ones that started the whole uniform controversy in the first place. Surprise of the day, though, was Darren, who wore a tracksuit bearing a proper brand name rather than the word ‘sport’.

When I commented on this curious turn of events to Chloe, she confessed that the tracksuit actually belonged to her father, and that she’d secretly lent it to Darren so he wouldn’t get teased. She is so caring and selfless. From now on I will try to think more about the needs of others rather than my own. That way she’ll be more likely to let me drink her blood.

S
ATURDAY
19
Th
M
ARCH

This morning was rainy so I went for a walk in the park. I like going out in bad weather, because I don’t feel the cold and I get the park to myself. I didn’t quite get the relaxing stroll I was hoping for, though.

As I entered the gates, I noticed several squirrels standing on their back legs and baring their teeth. I suppose it should have looked odd to me, but I’m used to this kind of thing. All animals hate me. Dogs growl at me, cats hiss and arch their backs, and I’m sure I’ve heard pigeons coo aggressively once or twice.

So I thought nothing when I saw a group of squirrels glaring at me as I went about my morning stroll. I wasn’t really concentrating on them because I was thinking about Chloe, so I didn’t notice when the nasty things surrounded me. They blocked the path ahead of me, and when I glanced behind me, I saw hundreds of them there too. Before I knew it, the vile creatures were jumping on me and scratching me with their tiny claws. As I ripped them off and threw them to the ground, more came forward. It was only when I ran out of the park that the foul vermin ceased their attack and returned to standing on their back legs and glaring.

I’ve heard of vampires being attacked by packs of wolves and snakes before, but never a load of mangy squirrels. Why does it always happen to me?

S
UNDAY
20
TH
M
ARCH

2
PM

I didn’t want to go outside again after yesterday’s attack. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, but I think word has got round the animal kingdom that there’s a vampire who is too weak to fight back, and now they can all get their revenge on my kind.

If you believe the stories, they’ve got plenty to get revenge for. Dad once told me that a vampire sneaked on to Noah’s ark and chomped his way through hundreds of now extinct species including the seven-headed snake and the multicoloured panda. I used to believe Dad’s stories but now I think they’re to be taken with a pinch of salt.

He also says that some vampires could mesmerize animals such as dogs and cats and use them to attack enemies. I’m not convinced that it ever really happened, but I know that many dogs and cats were accused of consorting with the undead and banished from towns in the great vampire purges of the nineteenth century, so they’ve still got good reason to hold a grudge.

9
PM

My parents want me to play the piano for them but I don’t feel like doing anything for those liars. I used to quite enjoy family music nights, but I don’t often find myself in the mood any more. And my dad always makes the same joke of saying, ‘The children of the night, what music they make’, in the style of Bela Lugosi from the old film of
Dracula
.

I’ll stick to my PlayStation, thank you very much.

M
ONDAY
21
ST
M
ARCH

Craig lent me a new game today where you have to shoot zombies. It’s rated ‘18’ so Dad wouldn’t let me buy it, even though I’m more than five times that age. It was quite a spooky game with atmospheric music, although it spoils the effect if you know that zombies couldn’t do much harm to you even if they were real. I’d like to see one of that shambolic lot try and ram a stake through my heart.

I glanced in my sister’s room this evening and caught her acting out a vampire scene with her Ken and Barbie dolls. She’d fashioned a cape for Ken out of a sweet wrapper and a couple of fangs using the ends of cocktail sticks, and she was making him chase after Barbie and feed on her neck. I watched her for ages before she spotted me. When she did, she got angry and slammed the door so hard it came off its hinges, so Mum and Dad made me fix it as a punishment.

I can’t believe Mum and Dad punished me for something she did wrong! I would have complained if I felt I was dealing with rational and intelligent beings.

T
UESDAY
22
ND
M
ARCH

We’re having a Parents’ Evening on Thursday and I’m dreading it. I know Mum and Dad will do something embarrassing. I think I’ll ask them to sign the form to say they’re staying away like Darren’s mum does.

I gave Craig his zombie game back today as I’ve already completed it on hard mode. He was very impressed by how quickly I did it, and it made me wonder if I do have vampire powers after all, but only for computer games. I’m sure the extra eight hours’ gaming time a night I get because I don’t sleep has something to do with it, though.

We’re supposed to analyse an article in a newspaper as our homework for Media Studies, but I forgot to buy one and the only papers I could find in Dad’s study were ancient and yellow. I think it would confuse everyone if I did my homework about how
The Times
covered the sinking of the
Titanic
.

W
EDNESDAY
23
RD
M
ARCH

Luckily, the Media Studies teacher was off sick today, so it didn’t matter that I hadn’t done my homework. Even better, an old retired teacher called Mr Pilkington came in to cover, and he said that Media wasn’t a proper subject and we were all wasting our time. He said that we didn’t get taught properly these days and that he was going to give us an hour of real education for once. He then spent the lesson asking us about the British Empire. I was the only one who knew the answers, because we used to do all that stuff in school fifty years ago. Mr Pilkington said that I was the only true patriot in the class and I felt really proud. But then I got worried that I would get beaten up for being a swot, so I shut up.

I am totally dreading Parents’ Evening tomorrow. I hope Chloe doesn’t see us and realize what a family of freaks I’m from.

T
HURSDAY
24
TH
M
ARCH

Mum and Dad came to Parents’ Evening wearing really embarrassing clothes. Dad wore a velvet suit and frilly shirt from the nineteenth century, and Mum wore a ballgown from pre-revolutionary France. For all the attempts at blending in they made, they might as well have turned up in a pumpkin carriage drawn by bats.

On the other hand, their supernatural allure did at least inspire my teachers to paper over some of the weaker aspects of my performance. Mr Wilson clearly took a shine to mum, and said that I applied myself very well in Maths, even though I got 11 out of 20 on the last test, and that was only because I’d done it before. Mr Morris said that my work in History was excellent, even if I sometimes embellished it with imaginary details about what life was like in the early twentieth century. Even Mrs Bowles said I was a joy to have around in cookery class. A joy to have around? I spend every lesson on the verge of throwing up into one of the bins as the food smells assault my nostrils. I couldn’t be less of a joy to have around if I dragged my nails down the blackboard for the entire hour.

I made a big effort to keep Mum and Dad away from the gym where Mr Jenkins and the PE staff were grunting through their meetings. The last thing I need is for Dad to let it slip that I’m not really ill, and put me back at the mercy of that torturer. As we were leaving, I saw Mr Jenkins standing on the gym fire escape and staring at us with great interest, so I herded them quickly away.

I’d forgotten about the hypnotic effect Mum and Dad have on humans. Maybe I should introduce them to Chloe, and see if their mesmeric attraction extends to me by association.

F
RIDAY
25
TH
M
ARCH

We were watching a DVD called
Life During Wartime
in History today, and guess who turned up in it?

I did ! And so did the rest of my family !

There was an archive clip showing how children had to go and live in the countryside during the Second World War, and you could clearly make us out in the corner of the frame. We’re usually good at avoiding cameras, but we must have missed that one.