Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (48 page)

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Authors: Gloria G. Brame,William D. Brame,Jon Jacobs

Tags: #Education & Reference, #Health; Fitness & Dieting, #Psychology & Counseling, #Sexuality, #Reference, #Self-Help, #Relationships, #Love & Romance, #Sex

BOOK: Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
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Although whipping has been condemned as an erotic practice since the end of the 19th Century, it long remained a favorite means of enforcing discipline among schoolchildren. Even today children in some parts of America are subjected to corporal punishment. From the 16th to the 20th centuries in Europe, whippings with canes and birches were accepted pedagogy.
7
It has been suggested that these unsavory acts of violence against children
have helped perpetuate the adult interest in whipping that continues in contemporary English pornography. Many psychologists have observed that the sum effect of such arduous punishment, instead of inspiring distaste, may instead excite erotic pleasure.
8
Certainly the historical record indicates that there is something about the intense stimulation of stinging blows to flesh—even the most innocent flesh—and its asserted expiation of sins that may compel recipients to crave repetition. In any situation, whipping carries a high risk of physical injury and emotional trauma.

H
OW
I
S
I
T
D
ONE?

Since all of the acts described in this book are assumed to be mutually consensual, we will not discuss the many cruel and vicious methods of whipping used over the millennia to degrade and abuse people. A whipping that takes place in a D&S context is specifically intended to serve both partners’ erotic and psychological pleasure.

[One should] never use the word
brutality.
[D&S] is done with caring and love. I’m extremely maternal. I want the person I am topping to have a wonderfully good experience. And it’s sexual. I want them to really get off on it
.

—J
EAN
L.

D&Sers, as a rule, love ritual. In some cases, a flogging may be a ritualized part of a larger ceremony of submission, such as the “one year and one day” contract of submission one interviewee entered into with a dominant.

He had a series of ritualized questions, designed to make sure that I was willing to go through with this. I took a flogging from the whip that he had made—a birch, a bundle of rods with a long handle—and I took 13 strokes with that, one for each month plus one for the day. Afterwards, I vowed to come and to go, do and leave undone, and to speak and be silent according to his will and whim. In return, he promised to respect and protect my honor and integrity and to judge and guide me with all of his wisdom
.

—L
AURA
A
NTONIO

A whipping may begin with a careful selection of the appropriate implement; the submissive may be required to kneel and to kiss the whip’s handle before the activity begins. Such head trips are a kind of foreplay to the main erotic event.

Submissives are sometimes ordered to count the strokes of the whip
aloud or to say, “Thank you, may I have another?” after each stroke. There are numerous variations on this theme. A dominant may announce in advance the number of strokes to be given so that the submissive knows what to expect. Partners frequently introduce other control elements, such as providing the submissive with a safe word or having the submissive beg.

With [my lover], I usually make it a condition that I’ll flog him until he begs me to stop, which takes a lot of doing. I think maybe he’s topping from the bottom, but it’s fun to do, so I let him get away with it
.

—A
DIDA

A consensual whipping usually entails a lengthy physical building-up to prepare for more intense sensation.

When you whip somebody, you start off lightly, so that it is a body massage. You keep doing that and very, very gradually increase the intensity. That’s how you bring someone up. As you increase the intensity, if you have a person who is a sexual masochist like myself, there will come a point where their body says to them, “You’re experiencing pain! Time to get the endorphins going.” The endorphins will kick in, and you will get an endorphin rush
.

—J
EAN
L.

Some prepare for a whipping by gently stroking the area to be struck with a lightweight implement, or with fingers, or even with a feather or fur. Commonly soft sensations—such as tickles or caresses—are intermingled with moderate blows, especially during the early stages. A number of very mild implements are available, such as a whip with silk or deerskin strands. As the whipping progresses, some dominants continue to alternate gentle sensations with intense ones, by rubbing a bit of fur or silk over the sensitized skin between strokes, for example.

Tops will often consciously develop as much proficiency as possible with a variety of implements. As a rule tops also pride themselves on their ability to prolong the submissive’s anticipation by raising the level of stimulation notch by notch, until the submissive enters an ecstatic state.

I like being adept enough at reading body movement and at wielding a cane or a whip to get the person into the zone [of ecstasy], because I know that, once there, [she] will have a very good time. If I push too hard, it’ll hurt too much all at once, and the person will want to fight the intensity. If I go too slowly, she may not get there
.

—M
R
. H
APPY

W
HY
T
HEY
L
IKE
I
T

The reasons why people like whipping are as diverse as the reasons why they enjoy any other D&S play; many people, however, settle on whipping as an activity of choice. This is probably because whipping is associated with rigorous adult punishment (in contrast to a spanking, which is usually considered a more childish punishment) and also because whipping is an activity so associated with sadomasochism as to be a cliché. D&Sers, and particularly those in the Scene (as opposed to strictly private practitioners), display a strong tendency to observe and to revere tradition. Many people who would not otherwise have experimented with whipping have become adept because it is a fixture of D&S erotica. Few, however, continue unless they find the experience to be erotic.

A whipping, like any other form of corporal punishment, is a physical manifestation of the same power exchange which others may experience uniquely through psychological control. The pain and disgrace of punishment may elicit powerful feelings of submission. With each blow, the reality of the dominant’s power is impressed upon the submissive, who may in response grow more sexually excited.

Typically, submissives accept whippings as a demonstration of devotion. Both partners take pride in each other’s performances: Dominants are often emotionally gratified that the submissive will go the extra mile.

One of the most satisfying things I’ve ever done was a caning with Adida. I gave her 100 strokes with a very thin, whippy cane in that little area where the butt joins the thighs. She was in this perfect submissive posture, her butt up in the air, her face way down on the bed, and her toes pointed just the way she’d been told. I instructed her not to count any strokes that weren’t hard. She never cheated. On the last 10, I told her that if she moved at all, I’d start over. I kept increasing the intensity. Adida did not move. The control that she had to do that, and the head space that she was in in order to do that, made me so hard. It was really beautiful
.

—M
R
. H
APPY

E
CSTASY

Among the whipping enthusiasts we interviewed there was virtual consensus that, in its highest form, whipping leads to ecstasy. This ecstasy is usually described as profoundly spiritual, even as an out-of-body experience.

When Cybele and I are well merged in this sort of spiritual space, and she does this kind of flagellation, I transcend. I don’t escape myself; I go beyond myself. I’m there. Cybele’s term [for it] is flying; my arms start to move as if I’m flying. My mental imagery is of being above the clouds, and then flying down and investigating. It’s really more like an out-of-body experience than anything I have ever had, and I’ve done a lot of psychic work, including out-of-body experience
.

—J
AMES
W.

Depending on the couple, whipping may be a punishment or a reward. Some people will whip the partner only to enact a punishment scenario; masochists who enjoy being whipped, however, may receive whippings as a reward.

I really like to be flogged. There’s a state I get into which I call “the zone.” When I’m in this state, it’s as if, no matter what is being done, it doesn’t really hurt; all it does is put me into this alternate state. Tear can block it, or being too tired can block it, or trying to make it happen can block it, but when everything’s working right and I have my breathing down properly, each new strike, each new blow, seems to add to the euphoric and ecstatic state
.

—M
R
. H
APPY

Others may perceive the experience as a physical trial which, once endured, allows them to transcend normal limits and to feel empowered.

The first time I was seriously whipped, I started chanting to myself, “I am powerful; I am strong; pain cannot harm me.” And that became a little mantra. Every time I would receive a blow, it would just energize me and make me feel stronger and more powerful
.

—-j-

Some are drawn primarily to the physicality of whipping. For them, it is not a spiritual trial but a physical challenge.

My favorite thing of all is flogging. Both receiving and giving. It’s very physical to give the flogging, and receiving it is very cool, crisp—it’s a great, refreshing feeling. When giving, I put my martial-arts [skills] into it and really throw my hip in. That’s a very satisfying feeling. You wear yourself out
.

—A
DIDA

S
AFETY

D&Sers often demonstrate safe whipping techniques at support group meetings so that novices or less experienced dominants can learn to avoid inflicting real damage. Safety demonstrations are a key element in the D&S community’s educational outreach. Learning the appropriate use of every implement takes time and ever-increasing skill. Some dominants experiment with new equipment by testing it on themselves first, striking their thighs or arms to evaluate the weight and sting of each implement before using it on their submissives. Others claim that the best training is to “work from the bottom up” by submitting, to gain firsthand knowledge of the bottom’s range of physical and emotional feeling.

A dominant who is not in control of self first is not only not a very smart partner to choose, but is also somebody who won’t enjoy this stuff anywhere to the fullness of [his] capacity. That’s one of the reasons I believe good tops statt on the bottom
.

—M
ITCH
K
ESSLER

In conversations with practitioners, a recurring complaint was that rash newcomers and those who do not grasp the subtleties of slowly arousing erotic tension are likely to cause harm.

When I first entered into formal submission, I was back-shy. I had a bad experience where someone used a riding crop incorrectly across my shoulders, and as a consequence, whenever something touched my back, I would flinch and tense up
.

—L
AURA
A
NTONIO

Inflicting damage, even accidentally, is viewed with repugnance in D&S circles. Trust is the key component of all heavy play: The submissive trusts that the dominant knows how to use the equipment, knows when to stop, and does not cause undesirable pain. When affirmed, such trust deepens the couple’s bond; abuses destroy relationships. The trust, however, goes both ways: The submissive has to know that the dominant will respect his limits, and the dominant has to know that the submissive will communicate what he is feeling.

I’m not a top with an agenda: “I’m going to beat your ass, then I’m going to make you kiss my boots, and you will call me master.” No. That’s throwing half of the experience away. Here’s a new person. What’s going to work with them, on them, for them?

—M
ITCH
K
ESSLER

I am a responsible bottom. I don’t want to feel pain! I want to feel pleasure-pain. So I let [my top] know when it becomes pain, so he can make it less intense or switch to another part of the body, or switch implements
.

—J
EAN
L.

Once the area being whipped is sufficiently stimulated, the dominant may select a more severe piece of equipment, again gradually building the intensity. This allows the submissive to stretch his pain limits and accept a higher degree of stimulation. As the severity of the blows increases, ensuring that none miss their mark is vital: Bad aim can cause serious harm.

The rule of thumb is that any area close to sensitive organs must be avoided. Thus, buttocks and upper thighs are preferred; the upper back, though popular, requires a conservative approach. Whipping skin to the point of cutting into the epidermis is known but uncommon, particularly in the era of AIDS and concerns about the dangers of disease transmission through open wounds. Serious injury or infection from whipping is virtually unknown in the D&S communities, where individuals educate themselves fully on the inherent risks.

Finally, many interviewees emphasized the importance of sobriety. Alcohol or drugs impair a dominant’s judgment and physical abilities, and most players refuse to submit to anyone who is not in complete control of her or his faculties.

I
MPLEMENTS

Virtually anything can be used to whip.

When I first started playing in private, my lover and I were using a rubber flyswatter, a rice paddle, stuff from the kitchen
.

—M
ITCH
K
ESSLER

In the D&S communities people typically either make their own equipment or purchase equipment expressly fabricated with safety and sensuality in mind.

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