Dirty Red (Love Me With Lies) (27 page)

“So, what’s wrong? Tell me…”

I avoided her sharp, blue eyes and concentrated on my chewed down fingernails.

“It’s Caleb,” I said. “Ever since the trial, he’s been … different.”

She took a sip of her drink. “Different how?”

I caught the edge in her voice. I had to be careful what I said about him. I needed her insight without her jumping all over for me for criticizing her son.

“Distant. It’s like he doesn’t want to be around me anymore.”

She tapped her fingernails on the table and studied me.

“Have you spoken to your mother about this?”

I shook my head. “Our relationship is strained. Plus, she gives terrible advice.”

Luca nodded. She’d never really cared for my mother. Caleb told me once that she thought my mother was cold and unapproachable.

“Do you know anything, Luca? Has he said anything to you?”

She reached out and patted my hand. “No, honey, he hasn’t. But, he was like this once before, do you remember?”

I did remember. It was during his amnesia.

I nodded, slowly, not sure what she was suggesting.

“You brought him back,” She said. “Can you do it again?”

Her eyes were just like Caleb’s when she zoned in on you: intense, searing.

I wanted to snort. She was giving me way too much credit. The last time I had to drive Olivia out of town to bring him back. But, no one knew that except Olivia and me. What would it take this time?

“I don’t know how. I’ve tried everything.”

“What does my son value more than anything?”

I leaned back as the server arrived with our salads. I waited for him to leave before answering her.

“Family,” I said picking up my fork.

“Yes,” Luca agreed. “So give him one.”

I balked. Was she really saying what I thought she was saying?

“Children? You think Caleb wants to have a baby?” We hadn’t spoken about children since before we were married. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility. I wasn’t sure I even wanted them. Caleb was enough for me. Caleb wanted them. He always had.

“Children have a way of bringing people together,” she smiled. “Especially, when they’ve fallen apart.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes before she spoke again. “You shouldn’t have let him hire that woman.”

I choked on my food. “Olivia?” I asked.

Luca nodded. “Yes, Olivia. She’s trouble. Always has been. Keep the past in the past, Leah. Do what you have to do. I fully support you.”

For the first time, I wondered how much Luca knew about Caleb’s months of amnesia. Did she know something about the time he spent with Olivia? Had he told her?  

I went home ready to talk to Caleb about the possibility of starting a family. Before the words were out of my mouth, he told me he was moving back to his condo.

“You’re leaving me?” I said, in disbelief. “We were happy … before the trial. We stopped working on things, Caleb. We can get counseling.”

“You were happy. I’m not sure what I was.”

“So you were lying to me?”

“You never asked, Leah. You close your eyes to what you don’t want to see.”

“Is this about the Prenavene? Those people who died?”

He flinched. “It’s really hard for me wrap my head around the decisions you made.”

“Did it make you look at me differently?”

He laughed coldly. “I knew when I married you, that there were iss
ues.” He sighed and looked almost sad. “It made me look at myself differently.”

I didn’t understand. My father manipulated me. Surely, he realized that. What exactly did he mean by “issues”?

Twenty-four hours later, Caleb was gone.     

Depression doesn’t even begin to describe what I went through. I’d lost my father, my career and my husband all in the span of a year. I curled up in a ball and wept for days … weeks. No one came. I tried to call my sister, but she hardly picked up her phone anymore. Katine was seeing some new guy and couldn’t be bothered. My mother moved to our summer house in Michigan as soon as the verdict was read.

I called Seth. I shouldn’t have.

Present

I agonize over Cash’s phone call. I eat
more chocolate covered raisins. I watch more Nancy Grace. I search the internet for pictures of cats with funny captions underneath. No one knows I like those; it’s a secret. Sam catches me.

“Are you kidding?”

I close my laptop. “You can’t tell.”

“Who am I going to tell? Your book club?”

“I have friends,” I insist. “And none of them read.” I’m pretty strung out on sugar, so I giggle. Sam raises his eyebrow. “And you’re proud of this?”

I turn away, hugging my knees to my chest. The Manny turns everything fun into a criticism. “No, Sam,” I sigh. And then as an afterthought, I add, “I used to read a lot
… in high school.”

“Cosmo?”

He’s folding laundry — he’s always folding laundry. “Don’t you ever get tired of doing that?”

“Yup. But, it’s my job.”

Oh yeah
.

“I read novels. But, then I got too busy.”

I ease a few more candies between my lips and stare at the muted TV screen.
I got too busy fucking boys
-I wanted to say.

“Sam?”

“Hmmm?”

“What was in that box Olivia opened on her birthday?”

He shakes out a blanket and folds it expertly into a small square. “Why do you care?”

“What if it was from Caleb?” I say softly.

He won’t look at me. “Cammie says it was,” he says. “But, I don’t know what it was, so don’t ask.”

I eat a lot more chocolate covered raisins. I pretend to bite my tongue and yell
Ouch!
to cover for the tears that spring to my eyes.

“Leah,” he says, “i
t’s okay if it hurts you. You should tell him that it does. Also, if you’re considering a career in acting — don’t.”

“Why would he buy her a birthday present?”

When Sam doesn’t answer, I start thinking about Cash again. It’s an endlessly unhealthy reel of thoughts:
Cash … Caleb … Olivia … Cash … Caleb … Olivia
.

The last time I had spoken to Cash was right after my trial. After seeing her on the Prosecution’s witness list, Olivia did some impressive detective work and discovered that Cash was actually Charles Smith’s bastard. Olivia had taken no pleasure in telling me, much to my surprise. She'd even said that she was sorry. I'd reeled for a day, fitting all the pieces together in my mind until they made perfect sense. I had not told my mother what I knew. I waited until Olivia exposed Cash’s paternity while cross-examining her, completely discrediting her testimony. I'd looked at my mother's face when my attorney dropped the ball. It had registered nothing.
She knew,
I thought.
She knew and she stayed with him.
The Prosecution was mortified. Olivia won another round. Courtney began sobbing hysterically in the courtroom. I glared at Cash from where I sat, my blood boiling for all of the wrong reasons. She had knowingly betrayed me. For him. I should have been mad at him, but all of my anger was directed at her tacky, blonde hair and pink lipstick.

After the debacle in the courtroom, she called my cell phone, pleading with me to meet with her. But, she ha
d allowed my father to use her to destroy my life. When I wouldn’t respond to her begging, she mailed me a handwritten ten-page letter, detailing her life from the moment she was born to the day my father asked her to come work for him. I ate an entire bag of frozen peas and smoked three cigarettes while reading that damn letter.

Her mother had been my father’s secretary in 1981, and according to Cash, she was conceived on his desk. When my father couldn’t convince her mother to have an abortion, he reluctantly agreed to pay her a monthly dividend to make her and her unborn child go away. But, despite his initial feelings, he’d made yearly visits to see Cash and had even paid her way through college. He told her about Courtney and me when she was little. She had grown up knowing her daddy had two other little girls, and when he was gone from her, he was with them. Cash had admitted that she developed a fascination with us early on. She used to daydream about what it would be like to have sisters.
 My father had even shown her pictures of us, which she kept taped to her wall. I was more surprised by the fact that my father carried pictures of us, than anything else. Since when had Charles Smith developed an affinity for fatherhood? After I read the last word, I burned the letter. I couldn’t let Courtney see it. She wasn’t dealing with things well as it was. Courtney was too much like my mother. She had an addictive personality, and she emotionally collapsed under stress.

“Leah
… Leah?”

I jerk back to Sam, who is still folding the damn laundry.

“What?” I hiss. I wish he’d do that in another room and stop stressing me out.

“Your phone is ringing,” he says.

I look down at my cell and see Caleb’s name flashing across the screen. I grab it so quickly; I drop the phone. Snatching it off the floor, I answer with a breathless “Hello?”

“Hi,” he says. “I’m calling to check on Estella.”

“She’s taking a nap. She smiled at me!”

There is a
ten second pause before he says: “She looks like you when she smiles.”

I instantly feel warm all over. I want to know if that makes him like me more.

“I miss her,” he sighs.

“Well, you can come over if you like. But, you’re not taking her again until the weekend.”

“I understand. She has a doctor’s appointment next week. I was hoping to take her to that. I want to be there when she gets her shots.”

I sigh. “Fine, you can take her.” I think better of it. “But, I want to be there too.”

His turn to sigh.

“I’m thinking about taking her to see Courtney.”

Caleb clears his throat. “You should. Are you all right to go by yourself?”

“I’m taking Sam,” I rush. “It’s
just … time.”

“Are you still angry with
her?” he asks.

“No,” I say, but oddly enough, I am nodding my head.

Past

Seth was Caleb’s older brother by four years and two days. They w
ere nothing alike. Cain and Abel, if you will. I was shocked the first time I met the dark haired, dark eyed police detective.

“You’re Caleb’s brother?” I blurted. He had barely smiled at my surprise.

“Yup, last time I checked.” He held on to my hand for a little too long, his eyes boring into me. “I guess we don’t really look alike, huh?”

I shook my head. Seth shared none of Caleb’s features. He wa
s the anti-Caleb with his small button nose, thin lips and eyes so dark they looked almost black.

Weird
, I remember thinking. He was a recluse. During family gatherings, you’d find Caleb in the middle of the action, surrounded by people who were all hanging onto his every word. You’d be lucky to find Seth at all. He didn’t show up to most of the barbeques and dinners, and if he did, he lurked in the garden or went for a walk by himself. If caught alone, he was surprisingly engaging and darkly intelligent. He reminded me of Holden Caulfield. I read the book in high school and remember Holden giving me chills. Sometimes, Seth would look at me in a completely unguarded way, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips, and I would get chills.

Once, before Caleb and I were married, we were at his mother’s house when Seth turned
to me out of the blue and said, “You remind me of a cheap reality show, Leah. You’re shallow, and you pretend to be stupid for God only knows what reason.”

I’d stared at him in complete mortification, hoping no one else had heard. I darted my head around the room. Caleb was preoccupied with a game on television and his mother was in the kitchen finishing up dinner.

“What the hell, Seth?”

He’d
shrugged. “I know you’re not really as stupid as you put out. Shallow, maybe. You have the type of eyes that have claws in them.”

I’d stared at him for a long time, wondering if that was how everyone else saw me. Wondering if that was how Caleb saw me.

“It’s sexy,” he said. “I don’t think my brother appreciates it.”

I’d flushed and looked away. That was the most he’d ever said to me up until that point. I wasn’t sure if he was hitting on me or insulting me. It occurred to me
that it might be both. I’d never seen him with a woman. I figured he was one of those asexual men and more concerned with his career than finding someone to warm his bed.

“Why don’t you ever date?”

“Who says I don’t?”