Discipline (18 page)

Saturday morning, while Noah saw to the horses, Tobias made a few changes in the ring, adjusting the furniture to suit his needs. Satisfied after he'd pulled a few of the trunks to the walls, made sure he'd gathered all the first aid equipment, and put his cell phone on the library table, he went back to the house to wait for Noah in the safe room.

Noah's shower seemed longer than usual, but he appeared soon enough, naked except for his collar and his rings. His hair, which Tobias had noted Noah had allowed to grow longer in recent weeks, was still wet and combed neatly.

He made his way into the safe room silently and knelt in front of Tobias' feet.

"Good boy," Tobias said softly. "The horses behaved?" He fingered a leather lead as he spoke, twisting the braid through his fingers.

"Yes, sir. They were less than happy to be turned out in the cold, but they'll warm up soon enough. It's really raw out there this morning. Windy."

"Then you'll have to wear more than just a harness out to the stables," Tobias noted. "I had thought about attaching this to clamps, but I think a harness will be better -- pick one out, please, and something warm to wear over it."

"Yes, sir." Tobias watched Noah look the lead over curiously before making his way to the armoire. He spent a few moments considering the several harnesses there and then picked one, taking it off the hanger.

It was made of smooth, wide, sturdy leather in front, where all the leather straps were permanently attached at the sternum to a flat piece of metal that had a round ring hanging from it. The back was fastened to a D-ring snaffle bit.Horsey , kinky, and, Tobias knew, one of Noah's favorites.

As the fasteners were all in the back, Noah pulled it over his shoulders and then knelt with his back to Tobias for help.

Tobias bent and began to thread the leather through buckles. "We're going to work hard today, pet. It's time we made progress on something for you... time I pushed a little. I need you to really try. I need you to do your very best today." He kept his tone low, his voice quiet and serious. Noah had little trouble finding his subspace these days, but what Tobias was going to do needed him deeper.

Noah nodded. "All right, sir," he answered, and Tobias felt him take a deep breath under his fingers as he fastened the last buckle. "May I ask what you have in mind?"

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"You can always ask," Tobias said with a smile. "But this is one of those times when I won't tell." He stroked a finger along the harness and nodded to himself. "Stand, please, and face me."

Noah moved as ordered, automatically assuming his display position as he did so, neatly clasping his arms behind his back and lifting his chin. His eyes, of course, remained low.

Snapping the lead on, Tobias admired his boy. "What are you, pet?" he asked. "Tell me your place."

Noah licked his lips and then answered. "I'm your sub, sir," he said easily. "It is my place to please you, to serve you, and tofulfill your needs."

Tobias began to move around Noah, pacing and touching him randomly. "Correct. And to do that you fill any reasonable request I have, is that also correct?"

"Yes, sir. I am yours to use as you wish." Noah's skin pimpled with goose bumps where Tobias' fingers brushed him.

"You are," Tobias agreed softly. "And I will. But first, you will help me dress. Then we will transform you, pet. It won't be easy." He touched Noah again and stood in front of him. "You will be scared."

"I will try my best to please you, sir. I know that you'll keep me safe." Noah spoke just as softly, but his voice held confidence that his words were true.

"Good boy," Tobias praised him, and rewarded him with a kiss on his forehead. "Very good."

He took a step back and looked down at himself, dressed in jeans and a sweater. "This won't do, pet.

Fetch my boots and the boot hooks while I change, please."

Noah nodded and turned, not rushing as he did as he was told, simply moving quickly and efficiently.

Tobias stripped and began to dress in his black leather pants, pleased but unsurprised when Noah helped him without being asked. Noah really was a good boy.

Once he was wearing the tight leather, Tobias slipped on a leather vest and sat down so Noah could help him with the jackboots. Finally, he stood and picked up a crop.

"Get the cloak, pet, and something warm to cover your legs. I don't want you damaged on the way over."

Noah fetched the cloak and tugged on a pair of loose sweatpants for the walk. It didn't exactly make the outfit, but if it was as cold as Noah said it was, fashion was a secondary consideration.

Noah waited as Tobias took the lead in his fingers and then followed fairly well at heel down the stairs.

Tobias made sure Noah had warm shoes on and put on his own overcoat, not for the first time wishing that the stable were closer to the house. "Come, then," he said, and tugged a little on the lead as they went out the door, just to see if Noah would move closer and how long it took him. He was reasonably pleased with Noah's reaction, and hoped that it boded well for the afternoon.

He brought Noah into the stable and they took a moment or two to run through their routine. Noah put their outerwear away and Tobias turned up the heat a little and played with the lights until he had what he
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wanted. In this case, he lit the whole ring and the hall leading to it; there was no need for dramatic lighting at all.

He took up the end of the lead again and started down the path to the ring. "Simple heel training to start," he said softly, knowing Noah would see the cage and the supplies the moment he happened to glance up from the floor. He was well aware of Noah's change in posture behind him, but it wasn't as extreme or as long-lasting as the last time they'd done this exercise. It was just a few awkward moments before Noah seemed focused again, and he never completely lost his concentration.

"Very good," Tobias praised softly. "A little closer now." He walked Noah in a smaller circle, and then took him within ten feet of the cage before leading him away again.

The closer they got to the cage, the more Tobias sensed Noah forcing himself to concentrate, forcing himself deeper into his space. He was walking right at Tobias' heel, so close that Tobias could feel Noah's breath on his shoulder, and his eyes were fixed straight ahead. He was not allowing them to linger on anything at all, including the cage.

Tobias stiffened his resolve. He had to do this to Noah, had to do it for Noah. He walked him to the cage and stopped. "Look at it," he ordered, trying to make sure his voice was calm and clear, not in any way something other than the one he used to say "I'd like some water, please."

Noah stiffened, but he did as he was told, if briefly. He turned his eyes on the cage and held them there for a moment before lowering them to the floor.

"Nothing will happen to you," Tobias said, his voice still calm and soothing, pitched for the most effect.

"It's steel bars, and nothing more. It's smooth, there are no snags. I will not leave you. Nothing will happen to you. Look at it, and we'll touch it together." He held out his hand, waiting for Noah to take it in his own.

When Tobias felt Noah's trembling fingers in his, he reached down and pressed their hands against the cool steel. Noah's breath caught and the boy cleared his throat. They stood there quietly, moving their hands over the steel and exploring how it felt, until, quite unexpectedly, Noah went to his knees beside Tobias and curled his fingers around one of the bars on his own.

"Oh, good," Tobias breathed. He knelt down next to him, one hand solid on Noah's back. "That's it, just hold on for a moment. It's just steel, there really is nothing here that will hurt you. Good boy."

He waited for a long moment, rubbing a slow circle on Noah's back. "All right so far?" he asked. Tobias assumed that by now Noah understood what he was in store for. His breathing wasn't quite steady and he hadn't entirely stopped shaking, but he seemed to be reasonably stable.

"Nervous, sir," Noah admitted quietly. "Apprehensive. But I'm all right."

"You're doing just fine," Tobias said softly. "I'm right here and I won't leave. There's no rush. Touch the cage... look at it. Move around it, examine it. It's just steel bars. It can't hurt you. I won't leave." Tobias put a slight cadence into the repetitive words, and he slowly backed away a foot or two, no more. He was there, right there, but Noah could move without bumping into him. No matter how much Noah was going to try to cling, it was important that he take steps by himself.

All the same, Noah looked over his shoulder as Tobias moved away and didn't look back at the cage until he seemed sure that Tobias was going no farther. When he turned his attention back to the cage, he
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added a second hand to the first and held on to both bars. He gave a light tug against it as if testing its weight. He stood and walked a painfully slow circle around it, his eyes riveted on the cage and his arms crossed tightly over his chest, his lead gathered up in one hand. Every so often he'd wince, as if he were working through his memories. Finally, he ended up back at Tobias' side, kneeling and staying close and tight to Tobias' calf.

"I don't think you're ready, pet," Tobias said softly. He wasn't, Tobias was sure. If he ordered Noah in now, it would get messy fast. "Examine it some more. Touch it. Get used to it."

Noah took a deep breath and sighed heavily. But he got to his feet and moved back to the cage as Tobias told him to and then moved to the far side. He circled it again, bending slightly to trail his fingers along the top edge.

He stopped, and Tobias watched his face as Noah wrapped his fingers around the bars again and seated himself cross-legged beside it.

Noah stared into the empty space inside the cage and his brow furrowed. "It's just steel, I know. Steel bars alone can't hurt me," Noah whispered. He seemed to be talking primarily to himself. "I have a scar or two, but it wasn't the steel of the cage that hurt me before. Not really." Tentatively, he slipped one hand through the bars and into the cage as far as he could manage. His eyes narrowed, but he kept his arm there until his fingers stopped trembling.

"It was never the cage that hurt me, sir," Noah said again, loud enough to be well heard this time. "It wasn't this... contraption, it was... it was the people that put me in it."

"Exactly, pet," Tobias said. His voice was soft because that was what Noah needed, but inside he was yelling, cheering Noah on. "Exactly."

Tobias walked forward and around, keeping his steps just as slow and measured as he'd kept the entire process. With one hand he gently swung the cage door open. "When you're ready," he said, trusting that Noah understood he meant that afternoon, not months from now.

Noah withdrew his arm from the cage and turned to face the open door. He'd gone pretty pale since they'd started this, but the look on Noah's face wasn't really fear anymore. Nerves, worry, to be sure.

But not fear. Tobias had seen fear in Noah's eyes before and this wasn't it.

Tobias didn't want to push him, but it did seem like forever before Noah finally moved around in front of the open door. He traced the contour of the locking bolt with his fingers and otherwise procrastinated for a bit before concentrating on the inside of the cage again.

By Tobias' estimation, it took him three honest attempts before he was really moving. By his third try he was trembling again and angrily wiping tears from his eyes. But he managed it, crawling through the open door and completely into the cage, his leash once more clutched tightly in one hand. Once inside, though, he froze.

"I'm right here," Tobias said immediately. He crouched down by the cage and kept himself in front of Noah, taking further care to stay at eye level. "You are not alone," he said. "You are not in danger. I'm right here. You are not alone."

Noah nodded and swallowed hard. Part of him, Tobias could tell, was keeping an eye on the still-open door, as if he might bolt at any moment.

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With what looked like great effort, Noah forced himself to sit down on one hip. He leaned back, resting his back against the bars at the far end of the cage. His breathing was shallow and he blinked tears out of his eyes again, but he seemed better with Tobias in his line of vision.

"You're doing fine," Tobias said, sitting on the floor. "I'm right here. I can see you, you can see me. It's just steel. I won't hurt you, you know that."

Tobias watched carefully, but he was feeling more and more confident every moment Noah remained there. He wasn't panicking; he wasn't hurting himself to get away. He wasn't comfortable, but he was light-years from where he'd been.

"I will never damage you," Tobias said again, his voice soft and careful as he stayed exactly where Noah could see him.

"I know, sir." Noah closed his eyes and took several long, measured breaths. "I trust you, I do." Noah shifted again so he was sitting upright. His head just barely cleared the top of the cage. "It's not the cage.

It never was the cage," he whispered again, reassuring himself perhaps, or just trying to stay grounded.

Either way, it was an important distinction, and one he hadn't made until today.

"I've tried not to blame Brett," Noah said softly after a long silence. "I... I know he didn't mean to hurt me. But he was careless and he did. It wasn't my fault I lost my balance -- lost my headspace -- it wasn't my fault for not trusting him enough. It was his fault for leaving me there... right? It's not that I was wrong to be afraid. I wasn't wrong not to fight it and just wait for him to come back, was it? I've always felt like I let him down, that I should have shown my trust for him and tried harder..."

"It wasn't your fault," Tobias said matter-of-factly, his voice quiet. "He didn't earn the trust you still want to give him, and he messed up. You paid for it. It was not your fault in any way, pet."