Disclosure of the Heart (The Heart Series) (22 page)

“I think we’re good at it.”

“We sort of learned together, didn’t we?” I asked a little bashfully.

“We did.” He nodded toward the living room. “Where’s Lisa?”

“In her room. On the phone with David.” I smiled. “I swear I might’ve heard her giggle, but I know she’s still toying with him.”

“She’s playing him perfectly, as far as I can tell.”

“Come on,” I said, tugging his hand. “Let’s have a beer.”

After some awkward conversation in the kitchen, he suggested we go back out onto the balcony. As soon as we got out there, he led me to the chaise lounge again.

“I thought we were going to finish our conversation from last night,” I said.

“Maybe we should continue our nonverbal communication.” He sat down, pulling me into his arms.

“Adam…”

His mouth was on mine before I could finish. For a few minutes, I thought,
What the hell
. I love the guy. Why couldn’t I make out with him? As things progressed, though, I realized he was just getting started. He was there to have sex, and
that
I wasn’t ready for, no matter how much I wanted it.

“I love you,” I said after I broke our kiss. “But I need to slow down.”

“I don’t want to slow down.” His lips searched for mine again.

“But I need time.” My tone was insistent, which caused him to freeze for a moment.

He eyed me suspiciously and said, “You know I’ll resign tomorrow if it will make you feel better.”

“That’s sweet.” I gave him a half-hearted smile. We were back to his silver-bullet solution, as if I hadn’t had a boyfriend or a life before he’d come along. “But it doesn’t change—”

“And I don’t care if you have a reputation for sleeping with the press.” He poked my side.

“Oh, that’s fine for you to say,” I said with a touch of derision.

“In fact, I’d like for you to have a reputation for sleeping with me.” His eyes were sparkling with playfulness, but his expression became more deadpan when he added, “As my wife.”

“What?” My mouth gaped open, and I jolted up from his chest. He had to be joking. “Adam, I—”

“There.” His tone became all seriousness, but he touched my cheek. “I’ve put my cards on the table. I love you.”

“I…I love you, too. But I don’t know if I’m ready for this. I don’t know if you’re ready for it.”

“Well, I am ready. I’m bloody sure of it.”

“Are you?” My skepticism filled the air.

“I rang Felicity this morning. Told her we needed to talk when I was in London this week. I’m going to break things off permanently.”

“Oh…”

“What about Juan Carlos?”

There was no way I was going there. I’d tried to forget about last night’s call, so I simply held up my hands as if I was helpless.

Adam stared me down. “Well, seventeen years since we first met, I’m certain.” He gulped, and his confident demeanor changed as he qualified himself. “But I think you’re not certain about me.”

Shaking my head, I gently touched his temple. “I’m certain I love you.”

I hadn’t meant for it to be a pledge, just statement of how I felt. But he evidently took it as more as he grinned and leaned down to kiss me. I had to awkwardly look away and began fidgeting with my watch. “But we loved each other before, and look how that turned out.”

“Aw fuck, Nicki.
That’s
what’s holding you back? Me messing around with Kate.” He sat up and hit the arm of the chair with his fist. “I’m sorry I broke your heart, but you’d broken mine. I was seventeen and a scared, hurt idiot. It’s history, and that’s not me anymore. I want to be with you and only you.”

“This is all new…” My dilemma was dizzying. It was one thing to feel love for someone. It was quite another to change your life for them, and that was what he was asking me to do. I began to babble, “I need time, and this is a bad week for me, and—”

“Well, I don’t need time, and it’s not all new. On one level or another, I’ve known this for half my bloody life. It sounds like you may have as well, otherwise you wouldn’t have avoided me for a decade and a half.”

“But right now isn’t a good time—”

“Bollocks. It’s never going to be a good time. We just have to make it happen.” His lip curled in annoyance. “If you don’t see that, you’re not as clever as I thought you were.”

Now that pissed me off. I glared at him. Maybe he could take or leave his job, but I had so much more to lose than he did. Couldn’t he see that? “Given the situation, I think I’m acting very intelligently.”

“Maybe acting intelligently, but not smart.”

I looked away for a moment, wondering what had become of the kind man I’d been with just the day before. Why had he turned into this demanding asshole? What was his deal? I again fidgeted with my watch, fully expecting to hear an apology from him in just a few seconds. Instead, I heard him say, “Come with me to see my dad. Come home with me.”

“What?” My head jerked up.

“Just as I said. I want you to come to Cambridge with me. I’d like for you to see my dad before…well, before. It’s important.”

“Adam, I want to be there for you, but you know I can’t do that.” It was a snap judgment, but I thought it made sense. I was going to London for work. I didn’t need to be traipsing all over England to see a dying man who never really liked me, especially when things were so uncertain with his son.

But what I thought was a sensible decision Adam took as an insult. “Well, why the fuck not?”

“Because.”

“Because what?”

This time he slammed his fist against the chair so hard the sound made me jump. Hoping to calm him down, I said slowly, “Give me some time. I’m thinking it through…”

“Goddamn it, Nicki.” He shook his head in exasperation, gently pushed me aside, and climbed off the lounge. When he stood up, his eyes were fixed on me as he demanded, “Then think. Think about why you won’t. What else is holding you back? Juan Carlos? You don’t love him. If you did, you wouldn’t be here with me. Is it your job? It’s just a fucking job. I’ll tell you, in the grand scheme of things, whatever it is, it’s not important. You’re what’s most important to me. And from what you’ve said, I’m important to you. So let’s stop pissing around and get the fuck on with our lives.”

I had no idea how to react to what he’d said. I was utterly confused.

When he saw that I wasn’t giving him immediate feedback, he took another swig of beer and then said, “You know how to reach me. I’m leaving for the UK on Thursday.” Then, abandoning me on the balcony, he said, “Good night.”

As usual, work was my refuge from my personal life for the next few days. Work made sense. The men in my life did not, so I focused on what I could do well. The one day I saw Adam at work before he left for London, he thankfully ignored me. Then he never called me at all, and I was too annoyed and admittedly a little scared to call him. I also avoided Juan Carlos. I let all of his calls go to voicemail and answered with a short text, telling him I’d see him the next week.

But I couldn’t escape Lisa, and she could tell I was in a funk. She cornered me in the kitchen the night before my trip. “What in the hell is going on with you?” she asked after I didn’t respond to her simple question about dinner.

“Just a lot on my mind from work.”

“Come on. There’s something else. David asked what was up, because Adam has been a bear to be around.”

The jig was up. Squinting as I felt the pain again, I said, “Adam sort of gave me an ultimatum and walked out on me.”

“Did he now?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it took him long enough.”

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s not like I’ve been leading him on. He knows exactly where things have stood with Juan Carlos, and he’s been with Felicity the entire time. Supposedly, he’s breaking up with her when he’s in London.”

“But you still won’t commit?”

Lisa was pissing me off. She’d always been the rational one of my friends, the one who’d been skeptical of Adam back in high school because he was an unknown. Any reasonable person should’ve seen
now
what I’d be giving up if I took it any further with him.

I threw my hands on my hips and said, “I’ve got a lot to lose.”

“Is this about your job?”

“In part.”

“Because I’ll tell you what one of my med school professors told me, and it’s the damn truth. She said she never heard anyone on their deathbed say they wished they’d spent more time in the office.”

“My job isn’t just
any
job.”

“Everybody says that.”

I tried my other argument. “But you
like
Juan Carlos.”

“He’s a good guy, and he’ll be even better with another woman.” Her hard veneer quickly vanished, and she placed a hand on my arm. “We’ve known each other a long time. I’ve never seen you happier than when you’re with Adam, back then and now. Do you really want to lose him again? Think about it,” she said and left the room.

I always slept with my phone’s ringer on, just in case there was an emergency at work. At one in the morning, I heard the buzz faintly through my sleep. Blinking at the bright screen, I saw the call was from Matt.

“Hey,” I said, propping myself up on my arm. “What’s up?”

“Sorry to call late, but I thought you should know before you get questions from the entire White House Press Corps on the plane.”

“What’s going on?”

“I was up checking the
Washington Post
for a story, and I happened to see a headline with your name in it.”

“Oh my God.” I slapped a hand to my heart in terror.
How did anyone find out about Adam and me?

“Do you know what I’m calling about?”

“No.” I grimaced at my lie and the reprimand I was about to receive.

“If you don’t know already,” he said with a chuckle, “I’m happy to be the one to tell you that Juan Carlos was seen looking at engagement rings in Tiffany’s yesterday. It’s a blurb on
The Reliable Source
blog.”

I exhaled a breath of relief. Matt wasn’t calling to chew me out for causing a political crisis for the president on the eve of a big trip.

Then the fear came back, only more mildly.
Shit. Damn Latin guy
. For once I rued that Juan Carlos was Cuban. Of course he would run off and do something over the top to get me back, like surprise me with an engagement ring. I imagined him presenting me with it, and the vision forced an answer out of me. It was like my heart silently called out,
But I don’t want to marry him
.

I placed a hand over my eyes, like shielding them would lessen my problems. When I remembered I must give Matt a believable response, I pretended to laugh. “Thanks, Matt. What are you going to say when they ask you about it?”

“No. What are
you
going to say when they ask you about it?”

“Probably that I don’t respond to gossip columns. Of course I’m not going to tell them anything!” It was both a handy and honest response.