Dissident (25 page)

“I don’t want anyone else. I want you.” His voice was now a plea. “You don’t mean anything you’re saying, sweetheart.”

“You can’t have me. Not anymore. I meant every word. Enjoy your gubernatorial race. I’m done.”

Caroline yanked the diamond solitaire from around her neck. It came easier than she thought. She barely felt the sting as the broken clasp scraped against her skin. Platinum was soft. Easy to break. And the move was sufficiently dramatic. She threw the necklace on his desk, pleased by the devastated look on Jack’s face, and spun around, leaving his office in a huff.  She was proud of the fact that she managed to make it back to her own desk on the other side of the building before she collapsed onto it in tears.

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline opened the door that led from the garage into the house, wiping her eyes one final time as she did so. She had spent a considerable amount of time alone in her office before leaving. Her throat was raw from crying. She was torn between feeling deeply ashamed of the way she behaved and terribly hurt that Jack had lied to her. She drove the entire way home weeping softly, wallowing in her self-pity, letting every call on her phone go to voicemail. She was certain that most of them were from Jack.

“Caroline?” She could hear Christine in the living room. “Is that you?”

As if it would be someone else. Caroline cleared her throat. “Yeah,” she called.

She threw her suit jacket and purse on a kitchen chair and made her way to the living room.  Christine was sitting on the recliner wearing her glasses, reading a biography of Clare Boothe Luce. Caroline knew once she looked at Christine that she was going to start crying again. She covered her mouth but a muffled sob still escaped her lips.

Christine looked up from her book with alarm. “Caroline, what is it?”

Caroline covered her face with her hand and continued to cry, unable to find any words. She heard Christine get up.

“Come here, Punky.” Christine guided her to the couch. “What happened?”

Caroline put her head between her knees, cradling her neck.  She was trying to breathe but couldn’t seem to calm herself down. She was dangerously close to hyperventilating.

“Caroline,” Christine put her hand on Caroline’s shoulder. “What is going on?”

Caroline lifted up her head and wiped her face with a shaky hand. “Jack is probably running for governor of Pennsylvania. It was all over the political blogs today.” Once she verified the original story that Murdock gave her, it then exploded across the political universe in the few hours since it had originally been posted. Which made her feel even worse.

Christine looked confused. “Okay. And?”

“He didn’t tell me.”

“Oh.” Christine’s voice was calm.

“It’s been in the works since before we were dating, and he didn’t tell me.”

“I see.” Christine kept the same measured tone, removing her hand from Caroline’s shoulder.

“Well?” Caroline asked. “Aren’t you going to say ‘I told you so’?”

Christine looked affronted. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you were right. He was using me. He knew this for months and didn’t say a word. He was fucking around and I fell for it.”

“Caroline, I-” Christine paused and took off her glasses. She looked very tired. “I would never tell you that.”

Christine’s reaction was off. She wasn’t nearly as angry by proxy as Caroline would have anticipated. Caroline jumped up from the couch.

“You knew, didn’t you?” she accused.

Christine nodded reluctantly. “There have been some rumors floating amid several caucus members and staffers for the last couple of days but I had nothing concrete to substantiate them,” she said. “I didn’t want to tell you if I wasn’t sure.”

“I had to find out from Murdock,” Caroline said. “And a small time Pennsylvania political blogger with a very big scoop.”

Christine shook her head. “I should have told you, even when it was unverified. I certainly would have preferred you hear it from someone who cares about you.” She looked at Caroline ashamedly. “But I’d done enough to try to sabotage your relationship and I didn’t think it was fair to tell you if I didn’t have proof.”

“Well, thanks a lot, Chrissy. Thanks a whole fucking lot. I must have been the only person in Washington who didn’t know.”

“I doubt that very much. It seemed very hush hush, unofficial. One of his staffers used to work for me, and he let something slip during an impromptu meeting yesterday that made me think it might be legit. Whoever wrote that original blog posting must have found a leak somewhere.”

“That makes me feel so much better.”

Christine put her glasses on the end table and gave Caroline a very hard look, crossing her arms. “What would you have me do? Despite what you think, I really did want to believe that he was good for you. The suspicious part of me was shut out by the part of me who remembers quite clearly who you were before Nick died. The part of me who wanted to hope for the best for you, to see you happy again. The past few months you’ve been so much like the Caroline you used to be and I knew it was because of Jack. Maybe I should have said something. I don’t know. Would you have even believed me?”

Caroline sat down on the couch again. “I guess not.” She gave Christine an odd look. “You called him Jack.”

Christine let that slide and scooted closer to her. “I want you to be happy. Tom and I, your friends, your daughters…there are so many people who care about you and want you to be happy.”

Caroline turned to look at her. “Maybe I’m not meant to be that way anymore, Chrissy. I used to think that you could get more than one shot at this. But maybe Nicky was it. Maybe he was the only one I got. And now he’s gone.” She choked back another sob, staring at the wall. “I should have appreciated him more when I had him.”

Christine put her arm around Caroline. “You did, honey. You two loved each other very much. You adored your children. You built a home together. You lived a very good life surrounded by people who care about you. And you still have a good life even if Nick is no longer here. I know you’re having a hard time seeing that right now, but it’s true.”

Caroline leaned into Christine’s shoulder. “Nicky was so safe and secure. And he let me get away with so much.” She smiled, thinking of him.

Christine gave Caroline a quick squeeze. “He sure did.”

“Jack was like no one I’d ever met before. He’s nothing like Nicky, at all. But I thought I connected with him.” Caroline let out a shuddering breath. “I can’t believe I was so dumb. He used me like he uses everyone else. All the gifts, the attention, the romantic gestures, it was all an act.”

Christine leaned in closer. “I don’t think that’s true. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Caroline. I’m not sure you can fake that. Maybe he wasn’t willing to make a long term commitment, maybe he hadn’t changed, but he felt something. I’m just not entirely sure he deserves you.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Caroline let out a bitter laugh.

They sat there for a moment, neither of them saying anything.

“Why is he affecting me this way?” Caroline whispered.

Christine’s voice was gentle. “You’re in love, Punky. Maybe a little more intensely than you thought.”

“I wasn’t ready. Why did I get involved with him when I wasn’t ready? When I knew who he was?”

“Love isn’t rational.”

“I feel so stupid,” Caroline said. “So incredibly stupid.”

“What happened?” Christine asked.

“I blew up at him. I completely lost control. I practically threw a temper tantrum in his office. I straight up snapped. Half of what I said didn’t even make any sense. But you know me, I’m good at the below the belt stuff.”

She had demonstrated that quite effectively during the last campaign. Caroline hated that part of herself. “It took me months to convince him that he could be more than what everyone told me he was, and I destroyed it all in about thirty seconds. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him all those things. I made some terrible accusations against him and he threw my campaign speech back in my face. And then I broke up with him.”

“Did he tell you why he kept this from you?”

“I didn’t really give him much of a chance.”

Christine sighed, and Caroline knew she was choosing her words carefully. “Oh, Caroline. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but did you ever think that maybe you should have given him the benefit of the doubt?”

“You’re defending him?” Caroline asked.

Christine scowled. “No.” Her voice came out much calmer than the look in her eyes would indicate. “I’m not defending him. I don’t like him. He should have told you. But my opinion of him doesn’t matter nearly as much as yours. Is this worth losing him over?”

“I’d say that him running for statewide office in Pennsylvania and moving 130 miles away is reason enough, don’t you? What the fuck am I supposed to do?  Campaign with him? Move to Philadelphia? Uproot my entire life, my job, my children? Be the quiet, adoring girlfriend? I’m sure Jack walking hand in hand with the liberal Democratic woman who endorsed his opponent during his last election will play really well with conservative voters.”

“You’re making a lot of assumptions without any information to back them up.”

Was Christine trying to start an argument? “I have all the information I need. It’s clear that he never wanted more than a fling after all.”

“Did you ask him that?”

“No. I was too busy shredding him apart.”

“Then how do you know that for sure?”

“What do you think he was going to do, Chrissy?  Marry me?”

“Is that what you thought?” Christine asked quietly.

Sometimes her best friend was a bit too perceptive. “It doesn’t matter,” Caroline said. “I said so many awful things and I can’t take any of them back.”

“I hate to see you throwing your happiness away. It sounds as if you didn’t give him an opportunity to explain anything.” Christine turned to her and held her hands. “If you really think that Jack is your second chance, you can’t toss him away. Not without some serious reflection. I mean it. I want you to be happy. We all do.”

Caroline slipped out of Christine’s grasp, feeling a third round of tears coming on. “I’m really tired. I’m going to bed.”

“Punky-”

“Good night,” Caroline said, and rushed up the stairs.

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline walked into the pub, which was almost empty. She’d been halfway to her car in the parking garage when she received the call. It wasn’t all that late, but it had been a long day - a long few days, in fact - and she wanted to go home and go to sleep. She scanned the room until she saw a familiar face resting his head on one hand, swilling what appeared to be a whiskey on the rocks in the other. His tie was loose and his dress shirt was untucked, but his jacket was still on.

“Hey, baby,” Jack said. “Wanna drink?”

The young man behind the bar sounded apologetic. “You were the emergency contact he had listed in his phone.”

That would have made sense a few days ago but it certainly didn’t now. But she was there already, so she very well couldn’t ditch Jack without attracting attention.

“Has he settled up yet?” she asked.

The bartender hesitated. “No.”

Caroline looked at Jack, who had put his head down on the bar. She got her Visa out of her wallet and handed it to the bartender. This was the kind of place that would wait and settle the tab when the patron was sober. It was easier for her to pay than to force Jack to come back the next day to get his credit card. Although she had no idea why she was doing it. He deserved the embarrassment.

The bartender returned with the bill. Caroline gaped at the amount. Jack had consumed more than a few drinks, and he hadn’t gone cheap.

“You fucking owe me, McIntyre,” she whispered, digging around in her purse for a pen. She went ahead and gave the bartender a sizeable tip. No doubt he’d been focusing his attention on Jack for most of the night. When she handed the kid the receipt, he looked down at what she’d written and his face lit up.

“Thank you, Representative.”

Of course. He recognized her.

“Part of that tip is in exchange for your generous offer to help me drag him to my car,” Caroline said.

“No problem.”

The two of them got Jack into her car without too much trouble. Caroline made a point of slamming the passenger door extra hard.

“Thank you,” she told the bartender.

“You’re welcome. Have a nice night.”

Not fucking likely. She smiled anyway, walking around to the driver’s side. “You, too.”

Caroline turned the key in the ignition, and pressed her fingers into the steering wheel. She glanced at Jack out of the corner of her eye, not wanting to say anything because the slightest response from him was likely to set her off.

Jack turned to her, confused. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m taking you home,” Caroline said. “Unless you want to try and walk.”

“Am I safe in this thing?” he slurred, putting his hand on the dash.