Distant Heart (18 page)

Toni awoke to the sound of Amanda's sobs. According to Grant, her burns should be healing well. But the sobbing grew worse. She seemed more alert, but unable or unwilling to carry on a conversation.

“Do you think the doctor has some laudanum?” was all she'd managed to say in a couple of days. Apparently she was in too much pain.

Toni's request to Grant Kelley had been met with a scowl. “Her burns aren't that bad. I've had worse shoeing my horse.”

Amanda had cried when Toni relayed the message. And now she was crying again.

“Amanda?” Toni's voice whispered into the dark wagon. “Are you all right?”

“It hurts so bad. Toni, I have to have laudanum.”

If she was in that much pain, Grant would just have to give her something to make her feel better. And if he wouldn't listen to reason, she'd go to Blake and force the issue. This
refusal was nothing less than cruelty to a woman who had already been through unimaginable pain over the last few months.

“I'll be back as soon as I can,” she said.

Amanda nodded. “Hurry, please.”

Toni slid on her shoes, a worn pair of false button-up shoes with a low heel. She'd bought them from an officer's wife at Fort Laramie after her laces broke on her old ones. These were much more practical and comfortable as far as she was concerned. She hadn't quite gotten the courage to take Miss Sadie up on the offer to make her a pair of moccasins, even though Fannie sang their praises regularly.

Toni slipped out of the wagon and into the darkness of the sleeping camp. Only a few small fires burned and only guards remained awake. “Where are you going, Miss Toni?” Andrew Shewmate asked.

“Are you watching over me tonight, Mr. Shewmate?” Toni had difficulty hiding her irritation. Honestly, it was ridiculous the way Sam insisted she be doubly guarded.

“Yes, Miss. And you know I can't let you wander around camp alone.”

“Oh, I'm not. I'm just going to find Mr. Kelley.”

“Grant's off patrolling tonight.”

Frustration rolled over her. “How long will he be gone?”

“All night, I imagine.”

“Listen, I have to go see Mr. Tanner. Are you going to give me any trouble?”

“No.” His eyes scanned her face and there was no mistaking the sincerity.

“Good. I'll see you when I return.”

“Nope.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I'm coming with you.”

“I declare,” she muttered. “I might as well be a prisoner.”

“I think that's what we're trying to keep from happening, Miss Toni.” He fell into step beside her, unapologetically.

The quiet admonishment in his tone shamed Toni. “I suppose I should be grateful anyone cares about keeping me safe, but I just don't believe there's a threat that the Cheyenne will be back. We've gone too far now.”

“Best we leave supposin' about Indians to those who know best.”

Now the incorrigible man was just irritating. “Well, I suppose that's easy to say when you're not the one being followed around every second by a man you hardly know.”

“Sorry, Miss Toni. I'm just doin' what I was told. If you'd have brought Ginger with you I wouldn't have to follow you.”

“Ginger's been snoring for four hours.”

“Well then, I got no choice.”

“Then you'd best come on, because I'm going to speak with Blake.”

Toni hesitated outside of Blake and Fannie's tent before mustering up the courage to call out. “Fannie! Blake!”

Immediately she heard stirring inside and stepped back to wait. “Toni?” Fannie hissed through the canvas. “Is that you?”

“Yes. I'm sorry to wake you up. I need to speak to you both about Amanda.”

“Does it have to be tonight? Blake's sleeping.”

Toni scowled and planted her hands on her hips. “Yes, it has to be right now. Don't you think I figured he was sleeping? It's important.”

“I'm up,” Blake groused. “Don't throw a fit, Toni.”

“I'm not!”

They appeared directly. Blake didn't look at all happy, and when he spoke, he didn't even try to hide his irritation. “What is it that couldn't wait until morning?”

“Amanda is in terrible pain and Grant refuses to give her anything to ease it.”

“That doesn't sound like Grant,” Fannie said. “Are you certain you didn't misunderstand?”

“I'm certain.”

“But Grant's usually the first one to want to help when anyone is hurt.”

“Not this time.” Toni felt Fannie's words like a betrayal. “Perhaps he has something against grieving widows.”

“Stop supposing. Both of you.” Blake raked his fingers through thick black hair. “I know why he won't give her anything. And I happen to agree with him.”

Fannie stared up at her husband. “What do you mean?”

Blake hesitated.

“Tell us,” Fannie demanded.

He shrugged his muscular shoulders. “The woman is what's vulgarly referred to as an opium eater.”

Outrage filled Toni. “That is beyond ridiculous.” But somehow, all the listlessness and slurred speech, desire to sleep, disorientation when she was awake; it all made sense if she were taking too much laudanum.

“Wait a minute,” Fannie said. “What's an opium eater?”

Toni turned to her. “Exactly what it sounds like. Someone addicted to opium. Mostly in the form of laudanum.”

“You mean medicine?” Fannie's incredulous voice only reminded Toni how far removed she was from decent women. Even Fannie, with her indentured past, had been sheltered from most of the world's depravity. Toni had seen too many prostitutes using the stuff to dull their wits in order to perform for their male customers night after night.

“Yes, Fannie,” Toni replied. “The same medicine that dulls pain dulls the senses, and for some people enough use causes them to want more and more.”

“You seem to know an awful lot about it,” Blake said, that old familiar sneer on his face.

“Yes I do.” She faced off with him, unwilling to allow him to make her feel any lower than she already felt. “Now, what's this about Amanda? I have never seen her take anything.”

“Tell that to Charles Harrison.”

“What's Charles got to do with anything?”

“The reason he's still laid up in his wagon letting his children drive the team is because the bottle of laudanum Amanda had in her apron pocket broke when he threw her on the ground and put out the fire.”

“That's what he had sticking in his stomach?”

“What did you think it was?”

“I thought a sharp rock or stick.”

“Well, you thought wrong. And now a good man is in
jured.” He shoved his finger toward her. “That woman is not to receive one drop. Is that understood?”

“But she's crying in pain, Blake. How do we ease her pain if she's not allowed laudanum?”

“The burns aren't that bad. Not pleasant for sure, but not severe enough to risk it.”

“I'm sorry, Toni.” Fannie placed her hand on Toni's arm. “I have to agree with Blake this time. Amanda has been behaving strangely and has scared Katie a couple of times thinking she's Becca. I sympathize with all Amanda's had to endure, but we can't take a chance that she might be a danger to someone.”

Toni knew she was outnumbered. And truly, she didn't blame them. Thinking back to the times Amanda seemed listless and unresponsive, she knew Grant's diagnosis was right.

“Why didn't Grant simply tell me?”

“We decided to let her get away from the effects with as few people knowing as possible. Mrs. Kane is a good woman and has been through a lot,” Blake said. “There's no point in having people gossip.”

“Grant said it shouldn't take too many days to clear her body of all of the effects of the medicine,” Blake said, speaking a little more gently than before. “In the meantime, now you know what she's going through so you might help her remember that she'll be better soon.”

Toni nodded. “I'm sorry to have wakened you.”

Fannie reached forward and wrapped her arms around
Toni. “You're a good friend. Amanda is blessed that you came into her life. Just like I am. Right Blake?”

Toni cringed. Why must Fannie constantly try to bring Blake around? The man would never like her. It was time for Fannie to accept the fact and be grateful that he didn't forbid Fannie to be her friend.

“Well, Blake?”

Toni touched her friend's arm. “It's all right, Fannie.”

“No it isn't. If it weren't for you we'd likely still be in Hawkins, Kansas, in that terrible life.”

Fannie had to know that wasn't true. If anything it was the other way around. The girl had hidden things away and planned her escape for over a year. Toni joined the effort at the last minute. But when stubborn Fannie got something in her head, there was no telling her anything.

Toni shook her head at poor Blake and gave a little shrug of surrender. He may as well give in too if he wanted to get any sleep at all for the rest of the night. He must have understood her signals, because he gave a large sigh. “Fine. You're a lucky woman to have a friend like Toni. Satisfied?”

Fannie crossed her arms over her chest. “That didn't sound very convincing. Why must you always be so stubborn where Toni's concerned?”

Toni's patience gave out. “Goodnight, you two.”

“Wait Toni…Blake has something to say.”

Weary of the argument, Toni held up a silencing hand. “Fannie. Why make the man tell a lie? If he doesn't want to like me, let him not like me. I'm used to it. Truly, I'm grateful to him for allowing us to join the train. I'm grateful that
he came after us with Sam and Grant and brought us back, and I'm grateful that he loves you so much. Beyond that, let the man alone and be a good wife to him. He deserves that much. Now I'm finished here. I'm tired and I just learned bad news about a dear friend. Goodnight.” She spun on her heel, leaving Fannie and Blake staring she knew, but she just didn't have the heart to listen to them bicker in front of her any more.

 

Sam awoke with a start and sat up quickly as Toni flounced by, followed by Andrew Shewmate, who scrambled to keep up. Toni was obviously upset, a circumstance that didn't sit well with Sam. He slid on his moccasins and hurried after them. In a few short strides, he caught up. He clapped Andrew on the shoulder. “It's all right. I'll walk her back to her wagon.”

“Better be careful walking alone with me in the middle of the night,” Toni said, the sarcasm in her tone completely out of character. “I might feel compromised, then you'd have to marry me.”

“Toni, please…”

“Please?” she stopped short and whipped about to face him. Anger flashed in her eyes. “Please pretend that kiss between us never happened? Please pretend that you haven't spoken more than two words to me in the week you've been back? Or wait. Maybe you mean, please don't have any feelings about the fact that you've brought a pregnant Indian woman into camp. An Indian woman who appears to be preparing to be your wife.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Well? Which one were you referring to?”

“Please do not be angry with me.”

Her shoulders slumped and her face crumpled. Sam reached forward, but she stopped him with a palm to his chest. “Don't take me in your arms,” she whispered through trembling lips. “It's too hard when you let go.”

She turned and walked away. Sam followed. “Please don't follow me, Sam. I can make it back safely from here. You know I can. There are no less than four guards between me and the wagon.”

“You do not want me to see you safely to your wagon?”

“No, Sam. I don't,” she said over her shoulder. “Goodnight.”

Sam watched her until she reached her wagon and ducked inside her tent. He noted both guards standing watch. Satisfied that she was looked after, he turned back toward his own bedroll.

Pain squeezed his heart as he lay close enough to the fire to accept its warmth, but not so close he might end up with worse burns than Mrs. Kane. The hurt in Toni's eyes had nearly done him in. He wanted to ask her to be his wife. His mind raced with the possibilities. But how could they ever be together in this world where the color of a man's skin defined him in so many eyes?

Maybe he was nothing more than a coward.

Toni opened her eyes to find Amanda kneeling next to her. “What's wrong? You scared me half to death.”

“Shh,” her friend smiled and pointed to the sleeping Ginger. “Let's not wake her up. I'm feeling so much better. I want a bath. Will you come with me?”

Something didn't feel right. “Amanda, are you sure you should be getting those burns in water just yet?”

Waving away her concerns, Amanda let out a small laugh. “I'm willing to risk it because I think the water will soothe the stinging,” she whispered. “Besides, it's been so long since I've had a bath, I'm afraid people are going to mistake me for Ginger when they smell me coming.”

A smile played at the corners of Toni's lips. “I'd love to go with you, but the guards won't let me leave camp without Sam's permission.”

“You get dressed. I'll take care of the guards.”

Though dubious, Toni shrugged. “You can try if you want.”

By the time Toni was dressed, Amanda had returned. “All set?”

“Should we wake Ginger and have her come with us?”

“Let her sleep. She's going to be scouting all day tomorrow. Plus I've noticed she's been coughing. She should probably not come out by the water at night.”

Toni had noticed the cough too. Amanda had a point.

She nodded. “What did you do with the guards?”

“Promised to use the last of my jarred apples and bake them a pie if they'd let us go to the creek so I could have a bath before the whole camp wakes up.”

“They agreed to leave their posts for a pie?” Toni was almost insulted at the lack of loyalty from the men who were supposed to be her protectors. She almost suspected Amanda of lying, but when she stepped outside, not one guard stood there to order her back inside or walk with her wherever she was going.

A feeling of nakedness overwhelmed her. And the image of Swooping Eagle's face haunted her.

“Amanda, wait.” Her friend turned.

“What's wrong?”

“Nothing really. I just…I don't think we should go alone.”

“Oh, Toni. Don't be a chicken.” Her voice sounded trembly, as though she might burst into tears. “You said you'd go with me.”

“Are you sure you're up to this?” Toni asked.

“Toni, please!” Her voice rose slightly. “I-I have to do this.”

“All right. I'm sorry.” Amanda probably did crave the cool water on her legs. And after all the sweating and pain she'd endured, a nice bath would likely hit the spot.

The two women remained as quiet as possible as they left the campsite and wandered toward the creek. There were more rocks and less trees in this part of the country and not too many places to hide while undressing. So when they reached the creek, Toni looked around. “All right. You get undressed, I'll stand guard.”

Amanda whipped around and grabbed Toni by the arms. The wild look in her eyes scared the fire out of Toni. “What's wrong?” she asked.

“Toni, I can't do this to you. You have to get back to camp, right now.”

“You aren't making any sense.”

A sob caught in Amanda's throat. “The two men that went with Sam. They must have overheard someone talking about the laudanum. They came to my tent last night while you were gone and said if I'd bring you to the woods, they'd give me some. And even had a little for me as sort of a down payment.”

Amanda's words began to sink in and fear shot through her. That explained why the woman had stopped sobbing and had fallen into a blissful sleep by the time Toni returned to her tent.

“Let's get back to camp,” she said, disgusted with Amanda but glad she'd decided to tell the truth before it was too late. She whipped around as Amanda screamed.

“Don't give us any trouble, lady.” Tim, the man who had lost
his wife and daughter, held her fast. He glanced at Amanda. “Here's your pay.” He shoved a bottle into her hands.

Amanda shoved it back. “No. No, take it back. Let her go. Please, let her go.”

Anger shot through Toni as she registered the betrayal. She'd been sold out for what? A bottle of medicine?

“Toni, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

“I don't understand. What do you men want with me?”

“Not what you're thinking, dirty whore.”

Amanda's sobs were growing louder. “Toni, please say you forgive me.”

“All right. Amanda, I forgive you.”

“No. You couldn't. They're going to…”

“What? What are they going to do?” Toni's heart began to beat wildly in her chest as her suspicion grew.

“They're taking you to that Indian. He told Sam he'd let the other captives go in exchange for you.”

Toni's body went all at once hot and cold. “You're taking me to the Cheyenne?” Her gaze lifted to meet Tim's but he refused to look her in the eye.

“I got no choice if I'm to get my little girl back.”

“But I thought the soldiers were going to go in and demand their return.”

“That's what they say,” Brian answered. “But by the time the army gets there, it might be too late. I can't take a chance on my sister being there any longer. All we got to do is deliver you to Swooping Eagle and we get our loved ones back.”

Even to Toni, it sounded logical. Why not trade a whore
for three beautiful females who had full wonderful lives ahead of them? Somehow, it made sense.

“All right. Did you think to steal a horse for me?”

“You ain't gonna fight us?” Tim asked.

Toni shook her head. “What's the use?”

“We got horses hid a half a mile downstream.”

“Then let's go.”

“What about her?” Tim asked nodding toward Amanda.

“Let her go. She's already got half that bottle gone. She ain't a threat,” commanded Brian.

Tim shook his head in disgust. “All right. Let's go.”

“Over my dead body.”

Toni nearly wept with relief at the sound of Ginger's familiar hoarse voice. “You two men drop your guns to the ground and kick ‘em aside.”

“Don't even try to keep us from taking her, girlie.” Tim snarled and tried to grab onto Toni, but she dodged him and ran to Ginger's side.

“I'm not trying, I'm doin'. If you don't do as I say, I'm gonna have to shoot. And don't think I won't. Now, do you want your little girl to be an orphan? Or do you want to be here when the army brings her back?”

“Better do as she says, men.”

Sam and Grant walked toward them guns drawn. Brian and Tim relented.

“How'd you two know?” Ginger asked.

Sam spoke to Ginger, but kept his eyes on Toni. She was just so grateful to be rescued, it was all she could do not to
throw herself into Sam's arms. “Yellow Bird saw Mrs. Kane leading her out of here and assumed the two men had found someone else to betray you.”

“Betray me?” Toni asked. Her body began to shake.

“First, they thought Yellow Bird would want to get you out of the way. So they went to her with the proposition that she lure you away from the wagon train where they would kidnap you and take you to Swooping Eagle.”

Sam couldn't wait any longer and he reached for Toni and pulled her into the warmth of his arms. Mindless of the stares of the people around, she nestled into his chest, enjoying the comfort for however long it lasted.

“Why would they think Yellow Bird wanted to get me out of the way?”

He gave a short laugh and pulled back. “Apparently, I am unable to hide the way I feel about you from anyone but you.”

Toni hesitated. “What are you saying exactly?”

“That I'm through fighting my love for you. I'm asking you to marry me.”

“It's about time you got some sense in that thick head of yours.”

“Ginger, please,” Toni said. Couldn't she even get a proposal without Ginger butting in?

“All right, I'm gonna get these two idiots back to camp before they hurt someone.” She looked at Grant and jerked her head toward Amanda. “You'd best go get her. You'll probably have to carry her back to camp.”

“What do you think will happen to Amanda?” Toni asked.
“She needs help. You don't think Blake will force her to leave the train, do you?”

Sam tightened his arms around her. “I don't know. Blake will want to speak with her and there will most likely be ramifications for these actions. But perhaps he will be lenient since her heart is in so much pain.”

“Oh, I hope so.”

Brian's eyes flashed with raw hatred. “I hope you know you've probably condemned my sister to life as a squaw.”

“As you were about to do to Toni,” Sam said grimly. “However, the soldiers should be arriving at the camp of Swooping Eagle any day to try to negotiate their release. I do not think the Cheyenne are ready for a war.”

“You'd best be right,” Tim said. His voice broke. “This isn't fair.”

“I know,” Sam said, his voice filled with kindness. “But we can't trade one person for another.”

“I don't know how you can compare that woman to my little girl.”

“You were wrong when you said we should trade Toni to Swooping Eagle because there was no one who cared about her.”

Sam took Toni's hand and laced her fingers with his. “I love this woman with my whole heart and I wouldn't give her up to save a thousand lives.” He spoke with such conviction, Toni's heart nearly burst with pride.

“All right,” Ginger said, firmly. “Enough of this jawin'. I'm getting' them back to camp and you two have unfinished business.”

Sam's fingers remained curled around Toni's as they watched until the others were out of sight. Then he turned to her. “Well?”

“You're waiting for an answer?”

“You know I am.”

“What about Yellow Bird?”

“I had thought I might make the offer of marriage to her,” he admitted, sending shards of pain through Toni's heart at the very thought of losing Sam to another woman. “We are both Indian. It would have been easy for society to accept such a marriage. But even Yellow Bird knew it would not be the right thing between us. She came to me tonight and spoke from her heart. She could see how much I love you and did not want to be the reason I wasn't with the woman I love.”

“I see.” Toni truly didn't know what else to say. She stared out at the eastern horizon where the darkness was beginning to fade over the mountains. “It's beautiful, isn't it?”

Sam unlaced their fingers and wrapped his arm around her waist. He stared into her eyes as he drew her closer and closer. “Oregon is even more beautiful. The valleys are lush and the land wide open for planting. I dream of building a mission there for the tribes. To teach them about Jesus and perhaps eventually open a school.”

Toni's heart sank, as clarity once more invaded her mind. She could never be with Sam. She was still a former prostitute and he had his heart set on preaching. God surely wouldn't want him marrying someone like her. “You'll be wonderful, Sam.”

His brow creased. “But…?”

“But there's still a problem.”

“What's that?” his eyes searched hers. “You don't love me?”

“You know I do.” Tears filled Toni's eyes. “You said we couldn't be together because of my past.”

“I'm sure I never said anything like that.”

“Yes, you did. I heard you speaking to Blake not long ago. You said you didn't see how a marriage could ever work between us.”

Dumbfounded, Sam stared.

“You see? You can't even deny it.”

“You heard that?”

Toni nodded. The warmth of Sam's arms felt too good to walk away, even if he was about to take back the proposal.

“Why did you think that had anything to do with your past?”

That wasn't exactly the explanation she was looking for. Instead, she had to be the one to explain. “B-because—well, what else could it be?”

Sam's eyes filled with tenderness and he pulled her closer. “I'm going to kiss you.” And his lips pressed to hers. Toni's arms slipped around his neck as she returned kiss for kiss. His arms and lips evoked feelings she'd never known. She felt like a giddy schoolgirl as his love for her drove the thought of every man who had used her from her mind.

Sam pulled away and took her hands in his. He pressed them to his chest and demanded her gaze. “Don't you know I mean it when I say you are pure and clean before God?” Sam
asked, his brown eyes filled with earnest devotion. “I would never be the one to make you feel as though you were still the woman that lived above George's Saloon. You are in all ways new and chaste. In God's eyes and mine.”

Toni's heart was so full, a burst of laughter flooded her. Then she stopped.

“Then what did you mean?” she whispered. “When you said a marriage could never work between us?”

He smiled and pressed his warm, soft lips to her forehead, “What I meant was that I am half Indian and you are a white woman.”

Toni felt her jaw drop. Then anger hit her. “Do you mean to tell me that you almost didn't ask me to marry you because people wouldn't like a white woman to be married to a half Indian man?”

He smiled, but nodded. “That's exactly right.”

“God looks at the heart, and so do I. I never thought about you being an Indian except for how handsome you are.”

“I'm glad my appearance pleases you.” He gave her a quick kiss, then pulled away again. “We're bound to face some difficulty eventually because I'm half Sioux. So weigh your decision carefully before you answer.”

Stubbornness squared Toni's shoulders and raised her chin. She looked Sam full in the eyes. “I've already answered.”

“You have?”

“Haven't I?” Toni frowned, her mind going over every word they'd spoken. “Perhaps I haven't. Then let me tell you why I want to marry you.” She lifted her face and gave him a brief kiss. “Because this is the second time you've come to my
rescue. The first time you came after me when George kidnapped me, and you brought me back. The second time you came after me before these two could even take me away.”