Ditched (4 page)

“Postponing is as bad as canceling. The guests…”

“
Again
with the guests? I don’t care about the guests!” I had finally pushed my way past numb and stunned. Now I was furious and hurt and so confused I could barely think straight.

“What are we supposed to tell them? Have you thought of that?”
He turned to look at me. As if this was
my
mess to figure out.

“The
truth
?” I suggested.

“No, Holly, no way. S
eriously, what are we supposed to tell them?” Collin demanded. His voice had a warning edge to it.

“I
was
being serious.” I didn’t bother to keep the edge out of my own voice.

He shook his head. “I’d really rather not do that.” I scoffed at that because it wasn’t a surprise. Admit to friends and family how unscrupulous he’d been? I didn’t see that
happening if he could help it. “What happened is no one’s business. But we
would
have to tell them something. I mean, we would owe them some kind of an explanation.”

I wrapped my arms around myself
and turned away from him. We were in my backyard. The rehearsal and the groom’s dinner had passed in a bit of a blur. I was sure it was apparent to everyone my head was not in it. Quite possibly my heart was slipping out of it as well. Collin seemed especially aware. Afterwards he’d insisted on driving me home. My parents had gone in and presumably, had gone straight to bed.

The yard was dark, lit only by soft moonbeams shining down.
The air had a chill that was compounded by the dampness it held. It was supposed to storm tomorrow, our wedding day. How fitting.

We’d been outside for a
while now. Already, he had begged. He had pleaded. He had made promises. He’d even shed tears. So had I. Rivers of them.

It was ironic because earlier, I
’d thought that’s what I wanted. But the moment he started in, I’d started trying to cut him off. I didn’t want to hear it. The problem was, I wasn’t sure what I
did
want. I didn’t know what I needed. I wasn’t sure if all of his promises and platitudes had been enough. I had to wonder…did he say those things because he meant them? Or did he simply say them because he knew I’d be expecting to hear them?

I didn’t know.
Since the first day of winter break, the weekend that he’d proposed, I had been anxiously counting down the days to my wedding. They had seemed to drag by. Now, everything was happening so fast. I could barely catch my breath, let alone think.

This was precisely why Lanna’s suggestion suddenly seemed like the best option.

The best option to me, at least. Collin was clearly not feeling the same way.

W
e were going around and around. My mind was spinning in circles. The end result was that we were really not getting anywhere. The only thing I succeeded at was making myself dizzy.

Or maybe there were other factors that were making me lightheaded and nauseous.

“I just don’t see the sense in postponing it. Things are complicated enough. Don’t you think?” When I didn’t answer, he threw his hands up in the air. “The wedding is
tomorrow!
”

“I’m aware of that!” I snapped.

“Everyone is here already! How…
how would we even get a hold of everyone to let them know? I do clearly recall my mother saying there are over two hundred guests. But maybe, I guess, it wouldn’t be a bad idea. I suppose we could consider it,” he said, more to himself than to me. “If we postpone…How does that even work?”

“I’m sure we could figure it out.” My heart was pounding.
It sounded as if he were relenting. I knew I should be glad about that. It’s what I’d just asked for. And yet…yet my heart and my thoughts, my emotions were such a tangled up mess. I
should
be glad, I knew. But I wasn’t. A crazy part of me still wanted to marry him. I wanted it desperately. Despite everything, I couldn’t shut my feelings off, even though I wanted to. Instead of feeling relieved, I suddenly felt even more worried than I had been before.

I was furious that my emotions were betraying my common sense. I took in a breath. I
t caught in my throat in the form of a sob on the way out.

“Holly,” Collin said as he came up behind me. I had to stop myself from trying to shrug him off as his arms wrapped around me.

“I just don’t know if I can do this.” My words came out sounding mangled. The tears were fighting to be set free again. I was afraid to let them loose because I wasn’t sure if I could reign them back in.

“
Of course you can. Look,” he said softly, “you’re talking about postponing. Not canceling. Postponing means we’ll do it later. So if you’re thinking we’ll still get married later, why not do it now? Why not save everyone the trouble? Why not save yourself the stress? I know how hard this was to plan. I think postponing is a bad idea. Let’s not wait. Everything will be fine. I promise. I will make it up to you.”

Every muscle in my body became tense. I shrugged out of his hug. His arms had felt anything but comforting. More like lead, or dead weight. Regardless of which, it felt like they were simply pulling me down.

“You can’t just make it up to me.”

“Then I don’t know what else to say or do!” He kept his voice low, but his words were heavy with annoyance.

“Why do you want to marry me?”

“Because I love you.”
He closed the distance between us again. His lips skimmed across my neck and though I didn’t mean for it to happen, I felt myself giving in. He’d said exactly what I wanted to hear. The problem was that I wasn’t sure if the words were true.

I
pulled away and narrowed my eyes at him, though I wasn’t sure he could see. “That’s a pretty generic response. I want something better than that.”

“You know what I think? I think no matter what I say right now, you’re going to argue with me about it.
I made a mistake and I know it. But anything else I say, you’re just going to find a reason to dispute me.” His tone was sad…and so genuine.

I didn’t want to admit that he was right. Nothing was going to make me happy right then. I was mad when he didn’t agree that we should postpone. But I was also mad when he thought maybe we should.

“Do you want to marry me because of my dad’s company?” I said the words before I could think them through. Because if I thought about them too long, I’d never get them out. “Why are you hesitating?”

“I didn’t think you were seriously asking. Where is this coming from?” he wanted to know. “Did
Lanna put that idea in your head? She’s never liked me!”

“That’s not true.
She likes you just fine!” Or at least she had. I wasn’t about to vouch for her feelings on the matter now.

He let out an exasperated sigh
. “Just tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix it. I’ll do anything.” He reached over and pulled me to him, wrapping me in a hug. I didn’t have time to step away. I wasn’t sure I wanted to. As furious as I was, I wanted his reassurance. Being with him, it felt too familiar to just walk away from. A stronger person may have done it, but I’d adored Collin for as long as I could remember. He’d always been my weakness.

“Go back in time and undo it.” It was an unreasonable request. But so was what he was asking. There was no ‘fixing’ it.

“I’m trying here,” he said quietly. “I know I made a mistake but I’m trying.”

“How many others have there been?” I asked. I
felt his entire body tense up. I used his moment of surprise to pull away. My question caught him off guard, just as I meant for it to.

I hadn’t forgotten his crass comment from the night before.
I’m getting married in two days and then after that…

Did he really think
before
that, it was all okay?

His words had begun to clearly paint me a picture I was sure he didn’t want me to see.
Or maybe not, maybe now I was looking for things that weren’t there. Maybe I was making something out of nothing.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t know what to think or what I was supposed to feel.

He didn’t immediately say anything
. My heart was hammering as I waited.

“None,” he finally said. “It was a onetime thing.” He said it with such conviction that the part of me that had always trusted him felt inclined to believe him.

Maybe he was telling the truth.

Or maybe he wasn’t.

How was I supposed to
know
?

He didn’t stop there. “It was a onetime thing and it was stupid. It was horrible and reckless and I’m so sorry. I can’t even tell you how sorry. It will never, ever happen again. Please, Holly, I know I don’t deserve it, but please meet me halfway on this.”

I was about to tell him that I didn’t think I should have to meet him halfway when my phone went off. I plucked it out of my pocket. I glanced at it. “It’s Max. I can talk to him later.”

“No, get it now. I need a minute anyway,” he said. He turned away
from me and walked toward my mother’s garden.

“Hey,” Max said. “I wasn’t sure you’d answer.”

“Of course I’d answer.”

“Oh,
crap. You’re crying,” he said. I could almost see him cringing. “I’m sorry. I can let you go. Or…do you need to talk? Do you want me to come over? Should I send Lanna over?” He hesitated but not long enough for me to formulate a response. “The wedding? Is it off? Is that why you’re so upset?”

“No, it’s still on.”
I think
…My words had to fight their way out past the fist that seemed to be clenching my throat shut.

“Oh.” His single word was loaded with disappointment.

“Max, please don’t give me a hard time about this.” I wasn’t sure I could take it. Not from him, too.

“All I said was ‘oh’.”

“Sorry,” I muttered.

“I just wanted to check in with you. I feel bad, leaving right away tomorrow. It’s just, if I would’ve known this was going to happen and that you
might need your friends around, I would’ve planned to stick around a few more days.”

A
frantic little laugh erupted. “If I would’ve known this would happen, I never would’ve accepted when he proposed.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Does that mean you don’t want to go through with it? You don’t have to, you know.”

“You sound like Lanna.”

“She’s a smart girl.”

“Right.” As opposed to me. It was obvious that my friends thought I was behaving irrationally. But walking away…it wasn’t that simple. Not when my heart and my head were still all tangled up, not willing to let go of Collin.

I didn’t want to marry him.
The problem was that I didn’t want to cancel the wedding either. I was a hopeless, impossibly heartbroken contradiction.

“I’m gonna go,” Collin whispered in my free ear. He cupped my cheeks in his palm and kissed my forehead.

I just nodded.

I was
sure we had more to say. At the same time, all we’d been doing was talking and not getting anywhere. We probably needed a break from each other. Too bad we didn’t really have time for that.

“Holly? Are you still there?”

I cleared my throat before responding. “Yeah, I’m here.” I watched Collin fade into the darkness.

“Do you need to go?”
Max asked.

“Actually, what are you doi
ng right now? Can we just talk for awhile?”

“Sure,” he said. “
What do you want to talk about?”

I wanted him to talk about something that would take my mind o
ff Collin. By letting him walk away, I’d more or less silently agreed to let everything proceed as planned. I wasn’t sure if that was the right decision or not.

To cancel, or not to cancel, either way, I realized I was probably headed for heartbreak.

Whether I liked it or not, whether he deserved it or not, Collin still retained a stronghold on my heart. Because of that, it made it awfully hard to think with my head.

“Tell me about California,” I said to Max. “Tell me about the vineyard and the winery. I want to hear everything.”

***

“
Oh my goodness,” Lanna hissed. “Those two are like vultures!”

I k
new she was talking about my mother and Gwen. They’d been hovering all day. Mom had fussed over me as I was having my hair and make-up done. Gwen had followed me around while we were getting ready for pictures at the church. They’d both stood off to the side while the pictures were under way. Anytime there was a break in between, one or both of them were right there.

I knew what they were up to. So did Lanna.

They didn’t want me to have a minute to myself to think things through. Or—to them, worse yet—they didn’t want me to have any time alone with Lanna. They were both well-aware of what my best friend thought of the situation. They were both afraid she’d sway me at the last minute.