Diva Diaries (41 page)
Authors: Janine A. Morris
95
Man's Job
W
as he out of his mind
? Jordan thought to herself. Omar had called her and told her that he wanted custody of Jason.
as he out of his mind
? Jordan thought to herself. Omar had called her and told her that he wanted custody of Jason.
“My child that I squeezed out of me in nine hours of labor, you want to take and keep at your apartment with you?” she asked.
“Yes, he is my child as well. Besides, he needs his father in his life.”
“I worked hard so he could live in a nice house and have a good life, and you want him to come live with you?”
“You worked for him to have a nice house, but a good life would have come with a family environment, so save that shit you talking for your acceptance speech at the next law convention. I know better.”
“You know what, Omar? I'm not arguing about this. My son has a great life, and I'm not willing to subject him to all of this change.”
“Changeâhaving you as his parent is the change. He is used to me. He doesn't care about that damn house. He is seven. He needs to be with me, the man in his life. If you think I'm gonna allow you and your punk-ass boyfriend to play family with my son, you must have forgotten who your husband is,” he said, sounding a bit angry.
“Omar, no one is playing family. Jason is my son.”
“Well he is not his, he is mine. Sorry you can't change that, too, but it is what it is. So, why don't you just stop thinking of yourself for a second, and think of Jason. He would rather live with his father than his mother and her new boyfriend.”
“He doesn't live hereâhe is barely over here for that reason.”
“Well, look at the bright sideâyou can have more time for you and your man. I'll give you a little time to think about it, but let's not make this any uglier, Jordan,” he said, and he hung up.
Damn. She finally spoke to Omar, and that was all he had to say to her:
Give me my child
. He was through with her; now all he wanted was what meant the most to him. What he was asking her was crazy, and she didn't know what to think. Was she being selfish? Was it time to end this little charade and work things out before her child was put in the middle of this? Then again, who was he to just think he was calling shots? All of this had become such a battle between both sides of Jordan, it was confusing. Half of her felt like, of course you get back with Omar and work this outâreally, how far along do you expect this to go with Jayon? The other half felt like she was representing all the women who had been done wrong. Men always think women won't get fed up and leave them, like they have to just deal with everything. She was proud that she was standing up for herself, and that she was choosing herself. Even if she didn't stay with Jayon, did she really want to subject herself to being with Omar, never knowing if she could be happy with him? He claimed he would change, but he has said that before. Not to mention that he couldn't just walk out and change his mind when he wanted to like he did. So, even if it meant making the biggest mistake of her life, she had to take her chances.
Give me my child
. He was through with her; now all he wanted was what meant the most to him. What he was asking her was crazy, and she didn't know what to think. Was she being selfish? Was it time to end this little charade and work things out before her child was put in the middle of this? Then again, who was he to just think he was calling shots? All of this had become such a battle between both sides of Jordan, it was confusing. Half of her felt like, of course you get back with Omar and work this outâreally, how far along do you expect this to go with Jayon? The other half felt like she was representing all the women who had been done wrong. Men always think women won't get fed up and leave them, like they have to just deal with everything. She was proud that she was standing up for herself, and that she was choosing herself. Even if she didn't stay with Jayon, did she really want to subject herself to being with Omar, never knowing if she could be happy with him? He claimed he would change, but he has said that before. Not to mention that he couldn't just walk out and change his mind when he wanted to like he did. So, even if it meant making the biggest mistake of her life, she had to take her chances.
Jordan hoped that maybe one day she and Omar would work things out, maybe years from now when they were at a different place in their lives. She just couldn't do it right now, couldn't imagine life with Omar again. However, now that he was asking her to send him Jason, it was reminding her just how serious this whole thing was. Soon, they would have to address their shared property and stuff. She was thankful that they'd had enough of a decent relationship that they hadn't already started all that ugly stuff. However, now that Jason was an issue, she was sure it wasn't going to be long before the divorce papers would have to be drafted.
96
Too Much
S
he didn't know what it was today, but Chrasey came home with such a chip on her shoulder. It could have been PMS, since her period was coming, but she couldn't call it and it really didn't matter. All she knew was that she was not feeling the arrangement that she and Keith had made. She had committed to a life sentence of suffering. He tried to act like it didn't have to affect them, working their marriage out, but how was that? Every day that went by, she thought about it to some degree. She couldn't get it off her mindâit didn't help that anytime she saw a baby, she thought of it. Every time she heard of someone cheating, she thought of it; hell, every time she heard about Brooklyn, she thought of it.
he didn't know what it was today, but Chrasey came home with such a chip on her shoulder. It could have been PMS, since her period was coming, but she couldn't call it and it really didn't matter. All she knew was that she was not feeling the arrangement that she and Keith had made. She had committed to a life sentence of suffering. He tried to act like it didn't have to affect them, working their marriage out, but how was that? Every day that went by, she thought about it to some degree. She couldn't get it off her mindâit didn't help that anytime she saw a baby, she thought of it. Every time she heard of someone cheating, she thought of it; hell, every time she heard about Brooklyn, she thought of it.
Chrasey didn't quite get what made Keith stayâthat only made it worse. She never felt like he was there because he wanted to beâshe always felt like he thought it was more convenient. Possibly to save face with his familyâmaybe there was something about Lourdes that she didn't know, and most likely because he couldn't afford to be out on his own. You know what they sayâit's cheaper to keep her. He already had three mouths to feedânot including his wife, because Chrasey could handle herself. If he had to pay for two households, he would be stressed out completely, because he couldn't even do one by himself. So, she wasn't sure if Keith had taken all of that into account and that was why he was staying home. Either way, he didn't act like he wanted to be there.
She came in the door from a long day's work, and decided that she wasn't cooking dinner. She was going to make the kids some sandwiches, and Keith would have to handle it himself. She wasn't up for waiting on him hand and foot. If he didn't like it too badâhe should have gone out to dinner with Lourdes. That was another thingâshe found herself trying to be this perfect wife at home, so she could feel like he had no room to complain. As a woman, she didn't want to feel she was the reason he'd left. Half the time it's nothing the woman didâthese men just don't know how to behave. The sad part is, most of the time it's for a woman that doesn't even compare to the woman they have.
When the kids finished eating their sandwiches, Chrasey went upstairs for a bit to relax. She figured she would get up and get the kids ready for bed shortly, but for the moment she was just letting them play in the bedroom. While she was sitting on the bed, watching television, Keith came home. He came up to the bedroom and asked about dinner. She wanted to laugh at him, or tell him where he could go. Instead, she went to the deeper issue.
“Keith, I don't think I can do this ...”
“What?” he asked.
“I don't think I can do this, Keith ... this ... our marriage. . . I really don't know if it's possible to repair what we have broken.”
She could see in Keith's face that this isn't what he wanted to hear. Not in an
I'm not in the mood
way, but in a
please don't say this
way.
I'm not in the mood
way, but in a
please don't say this
way.
“Chrasey, we haven't even been trying that longâit's going to take time.”
“How much time, Keith? Time to heal the pain? Time to learn how to not think about it every day? What kind of time you talking?”
“Chrasey, we both have to deal with some things. If we just stick together, we can do it.”
“Keith, those marriage-counselor lines don't work for everyone. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things, and trust will never live here again.”
Keith sat down on the bed behind her. Their backs were facing each other, so he couldn't see her and she couldn't see him.
“And I'm not sure I want to live like that,” she said.
Keith got up, came to where she was on the bed, and pulled her into him and held her.
“I will do whatever it takes, Chrasey. I will let Lourdes know that I will not be in their lives ... I will send some money in the mail and that's it. I will erase them from my life.”
“Keith, that's the thingâthat's impossible.”
“No, it's not. You'll never find a toy in my backseat, you'll never see her number in the Caller ID, we will change the house number ... we will move on.”
“Keith, why? Why do you want to work this out?”
He looked at her, surprised that she asked, it seemed. He held her face and looked her right in the eyes, and said, “Because I love you.”
She moved her face so she didn't have to look into his eyes anymore. He let go of her face.
“There is no other reason, Chrasey, I promise you. I just want to grow old together like we planned, and I'm willing to do what I can to fix it.”
“I need time to think about it all. Can we talk about it later?”
He looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead he just shook his head and went toward the door.
Chrasey didn't know what to do. She didn't feel ready to alter her entire life any more than it had been, and leave her husband. She also wasn't ready to settle for the life she was leading. She thought about what Keith offered to do with Lourdes and the baby. It didn't sound like a bad idea, but then again, that was probably kind of evil. For her to request such a thing would probably be wrong. At the end of the day, it wasn't the kid's fault, and that would affect her more than anyone else. It may upset Lourdes because she wanted to try to create a false reality with Keith, but it would really hurt the girl. Chrasey wasn't sure if she could live with herself if she demanded that he do that. She wished he would have just left his dick in his pants.
97
Trying to Tell Me Something
T
he doctor had told Dakota to take it easyâher iron was low, and they didn't want any complications. These past few weeks had been emotionally draining enough without adding something else. All the fighting with Tony was stressful, and she didn't go on maternity leave for another two months. Tony had offered to pay all the bills at one point so she could stay home and relax, but Dakota couldn't afford to lose her job and not have one after the baby was born. Tony probably just made that offer because of his ego, to flaunt his status. Any baller doesn't like to have his woman or baby mother working.
he doctor had told Dakota to take it easyâher iron was low, and they didn't want any complications. These past few weeks had been emotionally draining enough without adding something else. All the fighting with Tony was stressful, and she didn't go on maternity leave for another two months. Tony had offered to pay all the bills at one point so she could stay home and relax, but Dakota couldn't afford to lose her job and not have one after the baby was born. Tony probably just made that offer because of his ego, to flaunt his status. Any baller doesn't like to have his woman or baby mother working.
Today when Dakota woke up, she was having a very emotional day. All her confidence had been lowered, all of her security erased. Deep down, she knew that a good black woman was hard to find, but that consisted of more than a good job and nice body. She knew she had her claim to a few one-night stands, and not-so-good-girl situations. She remembered all her dirt that she had done, and it all began to make her feel like she wasn't any prize to begin with. She kept thinking that any man would rather have a good girl with high morals that he could bring home to his mother and be proud. After she thought about it all, she definitely didn't like the feeling of vulnerability. After about a half an hour of sulking, she figured, why stress out over things you can't control? She started to make herself feel better by thinking how men would die for the freak in her. She knew that women couldn't buy what she had naturally, her sex appeal.
She also had her share of emotional nights, and she looked forward to this baby coming so she could get her life back, or what was left of it. She couldn't imagine how her love life would be if Tony wasn't a major factor in it. She also thought how that's why the fight for Tony wasn't worth itâhe was like her last hope. She usually didn't call him to tell him to come over. Tonight she did, though.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“At Ron'sâwhat's up? You OK?”
“Yeah, I'm fine.”
“Cool, what's up?”
“Can I have you tonight?”
Tony started to laugh. “Yeah, I'll be by there in about two hours.”
“OK, come over with some energy.”
He laughed again. “What your pregnant behind going to do?”
“You don't worry about thatâunder all circumstances, I'm always on point,” she said.
“All right,” he said. “I'll be there.”
Laughing, she added, “And this little boy can't stop my head game.”
Laughing even more, he said, “Scratch thatâI'll be there in half an hour.”
“No, take your timeâI'll be here,” she said.
After she hung up, she put the
Best of Aretha Franklin
in her CD player, and went into the bathroom. She took a nice, silky bath with her Bath & Body Sweet Pea Shower Gel, and relaxed some, thinking about all the new things she wanted to try on Tony. When she got out the bath, she started to lotion up and spray her good smells on. Then she put on her “Vicky Secrets” pink-and-black teddy that she never wore, and lay out on her bed and waited for Tony to come home.
Best of Aretha Franklin
in her CD player, and went into the bathroom. She took a nice, silky bath with her Bath & Body Sweet Pea Shower Gel, and relaxed some, thinking about all the new things she wanted to try on Tony. When she got out the bath, she started to lotion up and spray her good smells on. Then she put on her “Vicky Secrets” pink-and-black teddy that she never wore, and lay out on her bed and waited for Tony to come home.
Upon the sight of her sitting in her bed with her bulging belly, she couldn't help but laugh at herself. Still, even with her belly, she looked hot. She watched some television while she waited. She wasn't sure if he would be early or late, and she said she wouldn't call unless he was extremely late. She doubted that he would be lateâhe hadn't done that in a while. That was one thing she was happy aboutâit had been a while since she had waited in her bed for hours for Tony.
About fifteen minutes went by and Dakota's phone rang. She looked in the Caller IDâit was David. She hadn't spoken to him since she saw him on Jamaica Avenue that day. He never did call, and she never found the nerve to call him because she didn't know what to say.
“Hello,” she answered.
“Hey,” he said.
“For what do I deserve this?” she asked.
“I meant to call you the other day, but I have just been so crazy with work and I wanted to give you my undivided attention.”
“Awww ... well, that's fine. So what's going on?”
“It was good seeing you.”
“You, too”
“I wish we could get together one nightâI'm not sure what your situation is.”
She felt like saying,
I don't have one. That's why I'm lying here in bed, trying to be a personal prostitute so he can see my worth and give me a situation
.
I don't have one. That's why I'm lying here in bed, trying to be a personal prostitute so he can see my worth and give me a situation
.
“Well, you know I'm having a babyâthat's a situation. Other than that, I'm not married, engaged, or barely seeing anyone. I don't know if it's a good idea to get together, though.”
“Why not?” he asked.
“David, I'm pregnant.”
“If you don't mind, I don't mind.”
She couldn't believe he was saying it didn't bother him that she was bearing a child that wasn't his.
“I don't mindâI just wasn't sure if it would be appropriate.”
“Listen, 'Kota, I've known you too long for that. That could just as easily have been my child. If the father doesn't mind you seeing me, then I would like to see you.”
She was lying down in a teddy waiting on one man, and had another trying to see her. Now, this was the Dakota she had missed, and she was thankful to David for giving her the opportunity to feel like her old self again. She told him they could get together real soon, and suggested they shoot for the weekend. He agreed and they hung up.
No more than ten minutes later, Tony showed up. She wasn't as enthused to give him all she had, mainly because she realized she didn't have to. Also maybe because she was reminded that he didn't deserve it.
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