Divided (60 page)

Calis pulled himself off the bed, and he started towards
Kilik.  Despite the fact that his body was still pulsing with disorientation
from the almost sexual encounter, he was able to walk with much more certainty
than Kilik.  He had nearly closed the gap between the two of them when Kilik
shook his head with so much vigor that even Calis found himself hesitating. 
“No,” Kilik growled.  “Stay away from me.”

“No,” Calis answered simply.  The request was not one that
he could abide by.  He could not stay away from Kilik, and no matter how badly
Kilik willed him to—Calis would never be able to do so.  Even if he had to
spend his life chasing, he would pursue Kilik.  He was entirely bewitched, and
he knew it. 

The blue eyes flickered with hurt, and Kilik staggered
backwards again.  Kilik had said that he loved Calis, and Calis could see it
now.  It was there, burning in those blue eyes, even as Kilik did everything in
his power to remove it.  “Yes,” Kilik countered.  “You’re a fool, Calis
Tsrali.  You know not what you deal with.  You will be happier with that
woman—here.  You will be safe.  I cannot stay with you.  I’m sorry.”

“I will be nothing if you don’t stay with me,” Calis answered,
more harshly than he’d intended.  He took another angry step.  All their
conversations seemed to be building to a climax that they could never seem to
reach.  What was Kilik so afraid of?  Why did he insist on hiding things from
Calis?  “I love you, Kilik.  Surely you understand that if I stay here—without
you—that I may as well be dead.”

This seemed to floor the young man before Calis.  Kilik let
out a shocked cry that he forced back into his throat.  The sound was almost a
growl, and yet there was no anger within it.  “Don’t say that.  You don’t.  You
don’t know me,” he said sharply.  “Stay here, Calis.  Stay safe.  Let me work
out all my problems on my own.  You can still be happy.”

“I can be, if you don’t go,” Calis said immediately. 

This only seemed to push Kilik further into his tension-filled
sadness. He turned his body furiously and started towards the door.  Calis’s
hand snaked forward and caught Kilik’s wrist easily.  Kilik’s body immediately
reacted, twisting and trying to break the grip.  Calis held on, though, as
Kilik writhed as though in agony.  “Let go of me!” Kilik hissed.  He wanted to
scream, but he knew he couldn’t.  “Let go of me or I will scream and when they
come in here I will pretend I was trying to kill you!” he whispered harshly, as
tears sprang in his eyes.

With a sharp inhalation of breath, Calis released the boy’s
hand obediently.  The thought was terrifying.  The problem was, he wasn’t sure
that Kilik wouldn’t do it.  Would he give up his own life because he hated
himself so much for this secret?  “You know how badly that would kill me—that’s
why you use it as a threat.  Think, Kilik.  Please understand that I love you—I
will, no matter what.”

The blue eyes welled with tears, and Calis could feel the
need to hold the young man in his arms becoming too strong to resist.  Tears
were burning in his own eyes, and he shook his head furiously.  “Don’t leave
me, Kilik, please.  I don’t care about this kingdom.  You are all I care
about.  Please, don’t do this—don’t do this on some crazed desire to hurt
yourself—because you think whatever you’ve done is too terrible to merit
forgiveness.”

Kilik lowered his head, though he said nothing for a long
moment.  Relief spilled into Calis, though, at the fact that he was no longer
heading for the door.  “It isn’t what I’ve done,” Kilik said decisively, “it’s
who I am.”

“Who you are?” Calis scoffed.  “That matters even less!”

“It matters more!” Kilik cried, though he cut the volume of
his voice at the last possible moment.  He sounded a little like a child, and
he looked like one too.  Calis tried to keep his mouth from turning upwards
into a smile. 

Kilik shook his head, and his lips quivered with emotions
that he didn’t know how to express.  “No,” he said finally.  He whirled around,
and he glared at the door for a moment before he headed towards it.  “I don’t
want to be with you anymore.  I want to be left alone.  This could never work
between us.  I don’t say this as someone out to hurt myself—I am speaking the
truth.  Believe me, Calis.  Try to be happy.  I know you can.  You don’t need
me, and I don’t need you.”

Calis could let him go—he could let him go and never see
Kilik again.  Perhaps that would keep the boy that he’d fallen in love with
safe, but then he would be thrown into a world without color, without light,
and without love.  Still, Calis could have done it, for Kilik—if Kilik needed
it—if he had not been so sure in that moment that Kilik
did
need him. 
Knowing that, he stepped forward with narrowed eyes and grabbed Kilik by the
wrist again.

Kilik let out a shocked gasp, as though he hadn’t expected
to be pursued this time.  With another brief fight, of Kilik writhing away from
his grip, Calis held on tightly.  Another hand would have brought Kilik to him
entirely, but instead, he let Kilik twist and flail for another few moments. 
Then, with one strong wrench, he pulled the boy to his chest.  His arms
enclosed around the small form, protectively.  Pressing his lips into Kilik’s
black hair, he whispered gently.  “I love you.  I can’t let you go.  I’m
sorry.”

Then, Kilik’s body slackened against Calis, and he began to
cry.  For a few moments, he remained like that, and his arms hung limply by his
sides.  Then, abruptly, Kilik glanced up.  He looked as though he wanted to
speak.  Instead, though, Calis lowered his head.  Their lips touched again, gentle
at first—a soft, glowing ember.  The kiss deepened, with just a slight hunger
encircling them.  Then, the ember exploded miraculously, into a ravenous,
unstoppable fire.  Calis brought Kilik to him tightly, and their mouths clashed
against one another a moment before their tongues did.

Passion and fire the likes of which Calis had never felt,
never seen, and never knew existed raged within him, around him.  He held the
lips longer than necessary, claiming and possessing.  “Tell me,” he whispered
softly against them.  All he wanted was to relieve Kilik of this burden.  He
hadn’t the slightest idea of what it was, but he knew that it would not matter.

“Not here,” Kilik whimpered.  “This moon.  Where can you
meet me?”

Calis frowned.  He wasn’t sure that he wanted to risk going
out of his room.  Then again, Kilik had risked coming here—but Calis could have
been being followed.  He had Lee, though, perhaps Lee could monitor, could make
sure.  Lee would have to.  “I… I was followed before, Kilik.  My father thinks I…”

Those blue eyes.  Bloody Light—how had anyone ever managed
to say no to him as a child?  How did anyone manage to say no to him now?  He
had to be the most attractive thing in Elyst, and now he was looking at Calis
with eyes big and blue enough to drown someone, particularly Calis.  This was
about Kilik’s safety, though, and Calis was sure that he could manage.  Lee and
he both knew Father’s trusted servants.  Father had said it hadn’t gotten out,
which meant the spy was a servant.  A servant that his father trusted.  “I have
to tell you.  Meet me, please.  You can decide then if you want to leave or
not,” Kilik whimpered.

“I can’t say no to you, you lovely creature.  It really
isn’t fair.”  Kilik actually smiled, and the dimples only made Calis even less
able to fight this.  “We’ll have to meet in the city, though, as I suspect my
father will be guarding the walls more strictly.  I just hope he isn’t guarding
Dark District walls.  I doubt he will, though, and the guards at that wall are
far less… capable.  Most of them get drunk even under the strictest of
orders.”  Calis supposed that was due to the fact that Father expected Dark
District dwellers’ fears would keep them out better than guards.

Kilik watched him for a few moments, and then he nodded his
head.  He looked so afraid.  Calis, ignoring his rationality, brought Kilik to
him again.  Kilik seemed surprised, though he didn’t resist.  “Meet me in the
building where I first met you.  Do you remember?” Kilik asked softly.

“Vividly,” Calis said emphatically.  The dance played across
Calis’s mind in perfect clarity.  The way Kilik had danced, that silly
superstitious dance that had introduced him to Kilik—perhaps it wasn’t so silly
after all.  Kilik flushed and glanced towards the floor.

“Thank you, Calis,” Kilik whispered softly.  “I should go,
though.  I don’t want your Father summoning you while I’m still in here.”

“No,” Calis said sharply, and when Kilik tried to walk away,
Calis brought their bodies together again.  “I wasn’t done with you yet.”

“What?” Kilik squeaked.  The flush on his cheeks was
brighter now, and a grin spread across Calis’s face at the sight of it.  There
was no way that he was going to allow Kilik to leave without satisfying both of
them.  “W-wait!”

The reply was so feeble that Calis’s grin widened further. 
Perhaps Kilik wasn’t the only one who was difficult to refuse.  Placing another
kiss gingerly on Kilik’s lips, he trailed up from the corner of the boy’s mouth,
to the top of his eye, and then back down to his neck.  “I haven’t ruled out
tying you to the bed—do not try to resist me.”

Pulling Kilik towards the bed by his hand, Calis grinned,
bringing Kilik just within range to kiss after every step.  “You have no idea
how difficult that is, your highness,” Kilik whispered. 

Calis pulled Kilik forward the final step so that they were
directly in front of the bed.  Calis wrapped his arm around Kilik’s waist,
pulling against the curves of Kilik’s body hungrily.  A smirk eased onto Calis’s
lips as a smile broke across Kilik’s face.  “I love you,” Calis whispered.  Their
lips found each other again, and this time, they were on a precipice, and their
desire eased both of them over the edge.

“He did all that he could, but he could not give to that
which could not take, no matter his desperation.”

-A Hero’s Peace v.ii

Taeru’s hands shook as he shuffled the bedroll aside,
pulling the disguised handle, buried in the dirt once he’d removed it.  The
handle yielded a small, wooden box.  Easing the lock away, he opened it to
reveal the keepsakes he’d kept from Cathalar.  It was stupid, sentimental, and
dangerous, and he knew that.  He’d been unable to dispose of every piece of his
old life, though. After all, a part of him would always miss it. 

Aela’s recent reappearance had been hard on him, while
bringing about all kinds of emotions that he’d forgotten.  He was still a
prince of Cathalar, and that wasn’t anything he would ever forget.  He had
always known that.  His fingers quivered as they reached down for the two
glinting objects in the box.  The first was an amulet.  All three Lassau
children had one, and Taeru was sure that his father did too.  The amulet was
shaped as two wings, held together with a small sapphire.  The entire thing fit
into his palm without difficulty.

The second was a silver ring, the emblem etched into the
silver.  This had been his, and his alone, though he was sure Ryo had one by
now.  The ring that had been given to him when he had been named the crown
prince.  A simple silver ring, with the Lassau emblem etched into it, and a
tiny sapphire engraved within.

His heart sped up at the sight of the items.  He was a
Lassau, and he would always be a Lassau.  Despite the fact that he’d tried to
run from that, he was still Taeru Lassau.  Though, Aela’s book had been
conflicting with his own thoughts about himself.  He had thought that he’d run
away from Cathalar, though that forsaken book implied that he’d come to
Telandus intentionally.  Intentionally, though, wasn’t exactly correct.  Apparently,
his actions had all been manipulated by a subconscious desire to stop the war.

That was a possibility, as he had always harbored a deep
hate for the war.  He had, of course, thought that his reasons for leaving Cathalar
were based around his inability to provide what Veyron and the kingdom needed,
but the idea that he’d left to stop the war—was somehow familiar to him. 
Coming to Telandus, becoming the Phantom Blade, meeting Alyx, Juliet, and
Aitken.  All of it had been written in that book—that book that he had seen
write itself.

What were the odds that his sister would find that book? 
That it would be the one book that could help him understand his nightmares. 
Why was he still questioning it?  It seemed to know more about him than he did,
though it never seemed able to answer questions that he had.  It didn’t tell him
how to stop the Magister Aleia, only that he needed to.

Aela had told him the story about the hero before him.  The
book that she’d gotten originally had been about a hero that had already solved
his problems.  And what was worse, was that Aela had implied that he was not
Veyron’s son.  If he were truly the hero in the book, and all evidence seemed
to say that he was, then he couldn’t have been Veyron’s son.  With a rueful
smile, he realized that meant he wasn’t a Lassau—not by blood.  So, why did he
still feel like one?

He knew it was because he was, as a person, a Lassau.  He
had been raised by Veyron and Kaikeru, his mother, and they had impacted him
and shaped who he was.  The book had no qualms calling Taeru a prince of
Cathalar, and he assumed there was a reason for that.  He was a Lassau, which
was why he had to explain to Calis Tsrali that he could not leave Telandus—not
for his mortal enemy. 

Twice, Calis had been struck by his father, and twice,
Taeru’s heart had felt shattered.  He couldn’t handle this anymore.  Everything
Calis did was brilliant, perfectly shaped to what Taeru imagined the love of
his life would do for him.  Calis had yet to falter, though Taeru intended to
change that this moon.  He fingered the amulet and ring in his hands, and his
heart beat painfully against his chest.  He knew that this was what he had to
do, but he didn’t want to.  Memories of earlier this sun, Calis’s skin rushing
against his own—Calis’s fingers feeling every part of him.  Taeru knew he
should have stopped it.  They should not have made love, not that final
time—but he hadn’t been able to resist Calis.  Just like he hadn’t been able to
for phases!  Curse his emotions.  Lately, they had kept him from doing what was
right far too often.

The voices in his ear had gotten louder, and that was
another reason he didn’t want to let Calis go.  Calis had been the only thing
rooting him to reality through all of this—through all the Magister’s games,
whispering in his ears, promising that he could not stop the war.  Still, he
would—he knew nearly everything there was to know about the Magister of
Direction and the Magister of Manipulation, who were one in the same.  Aleia.

Taeru didn’t have to beat the Magister, and he knew that. 
He simply had to ensure that her manipulation did not lead to the war.  He
would not let it.  The fear that telling Calis may hinder that frightened him. 
If Calis were to report him, then Taeru would be sentenced to death—and he
couldn’t stop a war while he was dead.  However, an instinct told him that he
had to tell Calis.  He couldn’t let the prince sacrifice everything he was to
be with someone who didn’t exist. 

Calis Tsrali was in love with Kilik, and Taeru knew more
than anyone that Kilik did not exist.  Not really.  The character, perhaps, as
Taeru had never acted in order to deceive Calis, but not the person.  Despite
everything, though, Taeru felt like Calis Tsrali knew him better than anyone
else he’d ever met.  Their interactions over the past few phases had been the
most ground-shattering moments of Taeru’s life, and he would not forget them. 
Calis had reached parts of Taeru that he hadn’t known existed.  The prince had
created sensations that Taeru didn’t think imaginable, mentally and
physically.  Taeru flushed at the latter thought. 

He had fallen in love.  Taeru was in love with a person and
a character that existed in every way that someone could exist.  Calis was
real, and Taeru was madly in love with him.  Because of that, though, Taeru had
to end this.  He had to trust that Calis would not seek to hurt him, and that
he would simply understand that their relationship wasn’t feasible.  Taeru
trusted Calis enough to believe that.  He could still stop this war, though
Calis’s, and even Lee’s, help would be missed considerably.  Stopping the war,
though, that was all Taeru had to do.  And he could do that without Calis, he
hoped.

After all, Taeru would still have Aela and Leif to rely on. 
Despite the fact that voices in his head constantly told him that he ought to
do this alone, through Lee’s careful instruction, Taeru knew that this was just
another means to throw him off.  He could not, would not, do this on his own. 
And he would not be so easily manipulated in the future.  If he let himself be,
then he would not complete his task.  And that was not an option.  Staring down
at the sapphires, which sparkled even in the darkness, he sighed.

He tucked the silver amulet, and the ring, into the pocket
of his pants, and then recovered the location with his bedroll.  This way, if
anything did go wrong, Alyx and her mother would not have evidence against
them.  After all, they were truly innocent in this matter.  Taeru removed the
cloth and headed towards the door of the house.  He knew he wasn’t due to meet
Calis for a few shifts, but he wanted to get their early.  The last thing he
needed was to be unable to go.  Not to mention, he needed to speak to Aela and
Leif before he met Calis.

Calis had also said that the recent discovery of their
relationship could lead to people following him.  So, Taeru intended to keep
the prince there as briefly as possible.  “Kilik, are you alright?  You look
pale.  You’re not hearing voices again, are you?” Alyx whimpered.  She sounded
so genuinely concerned that Taeru frowned.

“I’m not,” he said.  “Just thinking.”  Then, in order to try
and stop the inquisition before it occurred, he continued.  “I’m going to speak
with Calis—someone found out… about us.”  He hadn’t expected his voice to be so
laden with pain.  This moon was going to destroy his heart in ways that he
never thought possible.

Taeru had known from the start that this relationship would
end in heartache, but he had never expected to fall so completely for Calis
Tsrali.  Alyx let out a quick gasp and jerked away from the pot that she’d been
standing over.  “Are you going to be alright, Kilik?  Don’t turn yourself in! 
You can hide somewhere!”

Taeru laughed lightly.  He really had found people that he
could consider family here.  He regarded the blond girl fondly for a few
moments, before he spoke.  “They didn’t bother to investigate who it was, they
just told Calis that it had to stop.”  Relief washed over her features at
once.  “But that doesn’t mean I’m entirely cleared, Alyx.  If anyone, anyone at
all, comes to this house… you tell them that you had no idea about the affair,
or anything about me.  You deny anything they ask about me relating to you.” 
He took a step forward, and then he narrowed his eyes.  “I will not have you
getting into trouble over me.”

Alyx’s mouth twitched idly, and her eyes skimmed his face as
though they were searching for something.  They couldn’t seem to find it, and
she sighed.  “Fine, I guess,” she said.  “What if they ask for more information,
though?  What if they ask me to do something I can’t do?”

The thought was terrifying.  Pain flickered across Taeru’s
face, and he could see it mirrored in Alyx’s eyes.  Moving the few extra steps,
he grabbed Alyx by the shoulder.  “Tell them whatever they want to know.  If
you think it’s going to keep you out of harm’s way, tell them.  You have my
complete permission to do whatever necessary.  I will forgive you.”  His voice
was tight as he thought of the possibilities.

“I’m not going to say anything that could cause you harm,”
she snapped back.  Taeru’s jaw clenched at the implication.

He shook his head vehemently.  “You are,” he said flatly. 
“I don’t care what it is.  Let me explain this to you, Alyx, if any harm comes
to you—it will be infinitely more painful for me.  You have to protect
yourself.  Think of Juliet, think of Aitken.  Lie, if you must.”

“Lie?” she echoed.  She looked as though she wasn’t sure
what the word meant.  “What would I need to lie about?”

“I don’t know,” Taeru groaned.  “Just comply with whatever
they ask of you,” he said sharply.  Alyx needed to understand this.  Taeru
couldn’t have this family coming to face punishment over his carelessness. 

Still, she was blinking.  Her lips pursed as she thought
about his words.  “I don’t like the way you’re talking.  Are you not coming
back?”  Her voice was getting shrill, and that meant that he needed to change
directions quickly.  He glanced away, chewing on his lip as he tried to come up
with a viable solution.

“This is a precaution, Alyx,” he said.  “Calis said that he
might be followed.  If someone follows him, and sees that he met me, then
things could get ugly.  Uglier than even you can imagine.”  He tried to slip
the hint into his words, so that she wouldn’t be too caught off guard if
anything did happen.  After all, the revelation that he was from Cathalar would
be revelation even to the Amarals.

Alyx’s eyes widened in absolute horror. “They’ll kill you. 
Why would he agree to meet you when he knows they’ll kill you?” she squeaked. 
Her eyes looked as though they might be close to shedding tears.

Taeru cursed himself for not handling the situation better. 
“I begged him,” Taeru said simply.  He wasn’t about to implicate Calis for
this, either.  “Just promise me that if anything happens, you will do what you
have to.  You have to protect your family, Alyx.  There will be nothing you can
do to help me, at that point.”  His lips set into a thin line as he watched
her.

Still, she didn’t look convinced.  Her eyes were blazing
with distrust, now.  He really wished he’d learned how to deal better with
people.  “You are my family,” she snapped.

“Please, Alyx,” he begged.  He couldn’t leave here with this
weight on his shoulders.  He had to know that Alyx, and Juliet, would do
whatever possible to make sure that they stayed safe.  His connection with them
was dangerous enough without them trying to defend his honor.  None of it would
matter if he was captured, and their safety felt infinitely more important than
his own.

Her blond hair fell into her face, as he’d shaken her a
little more than intended in his torrent of emotions.  Why wouldn’t she agree
to this?  Couldn’t she see the futility in helping a dead person?  “Kilik, I
will not agree to anything.”

Taeru took in a long breath, and then he let it out with
words that were calmer than his last.  “Alyx, I will likely be back here before
sun up.  I just need you to promise me this, to understand this, just in case
I’m not.  Please don’t be absurd.”

“Absurd?” she asked.  “Since when is trying to help someone
who has saved my life many more times than I care to worry about absurd?  You
have risked yourself for me, and I know you would give up your life.”

“You can’t say that!” he choked.  The thought was flooring. 
The thought that Alyx would be willing to get herself killed over him.  “No,”
he growled, “anything that happens after I am captured would do nothing for
me.  If you could save my life, I might be able to see it—no, not even then,
and if they tell you they will spare me, they are lying.  My life isn’t worth
it.  Please, Alyx,” he whispered.

As the young woman opened her mouth to respond, and her eyes
were still blazing irately, another voice interrupted their conversation. 
“What is all this about?” the voice was soft, gentle, and Taeru jerked his head
up.  Juliet would understand the necessity of protecting her daughter and her
son above his own life.  “Kilik,” she said warily.