Divided (23 page)

I lifted my head and wiped my tears. “It just sucks all the way around.”

“You look really tired, why don’t you stay home today.” It was her way of telling me I looked like shit.

“Are you sure?” I wiped the tears from my cheek.

“Yes, go.” I didn’t think twice. I just grabbed my belongings and left.

When I arrived home Ryan’s car was no longer in the driveway and the house felt cold without him there. I changed back into my pajamas and laid down on the couch.   Needing to move around I plugged my iPod into the home theater system and blasted it. Cleaning was thoughtless, I just focused on the task at hand and my mind didn’t drift to where it shouldn’t.

Walking into the kitchen, garbage in hand, I was greeted with Ryan walking in.  At the sight of him I fell in love all over again. He looked distraught and panicked, but that was only in his eyes. His shoulders were broad, his shirt tight, showing off his athletic body.

“Hi.” I said as I stepped into the kitchen. It was the first time I had spoken to him since dinner last week. Usually my conversations with him were via text or random notes I left for him. He walked towards me taking long strides and I dropped the garbage bag as his hands took my cheeks and his lips claimed their spot on my mine. His tongue invaded my mouth, tasting me. Instinctively, my hands reached around and hugged his neck. Ryan dipped down, lifting me by my legs and began to walk towards the stairs and to our bedroom. He never released his lips from mine so I deepened the kiss with each step we took, submitting to the love I felt for him.  

Ryan slowly placed me on the bed and broke our kiss long enough to lift my long shirt and remove his button down. Once that was done his mouth was back mine. He pulled my panties off and unbuttons his pants, tossing both across the room before his body crawled over mine. I lied back allowing him to claim the space between my legs, feeling our love rush through my spine. Making love to him was my top priority at this moment. My core was wet with anticipation for him. He aligned himself at my entrance and slowly pushed himself deep into me. A moan escaping my mouth as his thickness filled me completely.

There were no words exchanged as he took me, only grunts and moans of pure ecstasy. His rhythm was slow and deep, my body knowing his every move. I matched his rhythm making it more pleasurable for the both of us. His mouth continued to attack my neck and lips. With every thrust he was bringing me closer and closer to a powerful climax. A bead of sweat dripped down his nose and onto my skin as I felt my muscles tighten around him. He began to pick up speed. I was approaching my orgasm and by the look on his face, he was too.

His hand wrapped underneath me, cupping my head as his lips placed soft kisses on my cheek and he whispered into my ear. “I’ll love you and only you always and forever.”

My body trembled as my climax took over with the declaration of his love. The tears flooded my eyes and I cried out with love for him. His lips met mine together we found release.

“I’ll love you always and forever, Ryan, always and forever.” I said to him in between sobs, when my body had stopped with the aftershocks.

He wiped the tears from my eyes. “I thought you left. I went to go talk to you at lunch and you were gone. I panicked. My heart stopped and I thought I would never see you again. When I walked into the house and saw you in my t-shirt, I didn’t think I could love you more.”

“I love you, too.” Wrapping my arms around him he hugged me tightly taking in deep breathes to calm himself. “Shhh, baby it's ok, we’ll get through this.”

“Bug, I’m so sorry, but I need to tell you something.” His eyes showed fear. I couldn’t help the feeling in my gut telling me something was wrong.

“What is it?” I asked. Still wrapped up in our cocoon I held his naked body against mine. Bowing his head by my shoulders he mumbled.

“Stephanie came to see me today, she was evicted from her place last week, she and her mother lost their jobs at Ray’s Body shop and they’re both homeless. Her mother is moving in with a friend and I offered Stephanie a room here with us until she is back on her feet.”

“Us?” I swallowed. “You told her she could move in with
us
?” I pushed his shoulders up making him look at me. 

“Well it made no sense for me to pay for a place for her when we have all this room.” Feeling disgusted with myself for sleeping with him, I pushed him off of me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that he only slept with me so I would agree to her moving in.

“You know, Ryan, for the very first time I’m disgusted with you. You can’t just sleep with me and think everything is ok. I’m really trying to keep an open mind about the fact the your ex-girlfriend came by to me telling me she was pregnant, when I should have heard it from
you
. I am trying to be calm and rational about this, I really am but now… you want her to move in with us?

“Ryan, listen to what you just said. You are telling me that you’re moving your
pregnant
ex-girlfriend in with your new girlfriend. So what do we do, take turns on what night we get you?” I pushed off the bed grabbing my robe from the back of the closet door. “You think this is ok? So when we have sex do we just stay quiet so she can’t hear us, or do we put a sock on the door? Which is it? Better yet, she already had some of you hence the baby she’s carrying; why not ask her to join us? Shit we can be one of those sister-girlfriend bullshit.”

“Bug.” He said walking towards me.

“Don’t you fucking,
Bug,
me! Do you not hear what you’re saying? If you don’t want me, Ryan, just tell me. I can go home, I don’t need to be here. I don’t need to be caught up in all of this.” I exaggerated with my hand.

Reaching for me he pulled me into his arms. “Bu…” I snapped my head at him. “Alani, nothing will change between us, it’s only temporary. A couple of weeks until she is back on her feet again. I promise, I only want you.”

“A couple of weeks?” I questioned, not being able to avoid the pain in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t help it, it wasn’t my house. Who was I to say who he can or can’t have staying here with us. If I said no, I knew he would tell Stephanie not to come, but a small piece of me worried that he would resent me later for it. 

“Yes a couple a weeks,
nothing
will change between us. I promise. Please try to understand. I didn’t mean to disgust you. I just want to do right by you.” His lips met my forehead.

I wanted to believe him, deep down in my heart I want to believe that this was only a temporary situation, but I knew better. It would be hard for him to see Stephanie on a daily basis, see his child grow every day in her and not want to be a part of it. I only hoped that the love he had for me was enough that this wouldn’t affect us. The last thing I wanted was for Ryan to feel divided between us. Hating myself for what I was agreeing to I pushed away from him.

“Ok, just…fine whatever.” I said after letting a deep sigh escape my lips. I told Ryan it was okay for her to move in, my heart kicking and screaming against it the whole time. 
 

Chapter 16
Divided

 
O
ver the next few days Ryan moved Stephanie in. Ryan suggested that the best room for her was the guest room, also known as my office and I didn’t argue. Even though he was taking away the space that he had designated for me. I preferred giving her that room over the guest room right next to our bedroom.  Stephanie and I were civil to each other, mainly on a hi or bye basis. I spent most of my time in the bedroom when I was in the house.

The weather had been getting warm enough where spending the day outside was comfortable and I used the weather as an excuse to get out of the house. Stephanie hung onto Ryan like a puppy. Anytime we were in the kitchen or trying to snuggle up on the couch, she found a reason to bring up memories that were inappropriate or insisted on siting really close to Ryan. At first I didn’t mind, I thought it was annoying but it seemed harmless. She was trying to get me to make a scene in front of Ryan. But one night she asked him for a foot rub, which was where I drew the line and I began avoiding her at all cost.

Aside from the time she told me she was pregnant; Stephanie and I only had one conversation. The three of us were sitting on the couch watching a movie when Ryan’s phone rang and he had to walk out of the room to talk to his mother about another foundation meeting. The television was paused and we sat in silence before she looked over at me and smiled. At first I thought she was being kind so I smiled back but my smile changed when she opened her mouth.

“You know the second this baby comes out he’s going to leave you.” Her voice was low so only I could hear. Not wanting to sink to her level but needing to say something, I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.

Trying my best to sound condescending I said. “You think so? He will love his child, but you honey, do you
really
think he will love you enough to leave me? I don’t think so. He spent
four
hours with me,
while
I was engaged to another man and that was all it took for him to leave
you
. The hours he spent with me were worth more than the two years you two shared,” I looked at her waiting for a response. “Trust me, Stephanie, you don’t want to pick that battle with me.”

If looks could kill, I would be a dead woman. After that incident she left me alone, never bothering me again.  

Ryan went to every doctor appointment with Stephanie. At first I thought that I was going to be upset about it, but I came to the conclusion that it was not in Ryan’s personality to not do the right thing. Ryan on occasion would ask if I would like to know what was going on with the baby, which was always hard because I did and I didn’t want to know. I was glad that the baby was healthy and growing day by day but there was still a part of me that hated the fact that I wasn’t sharing this moment with him, that
I
wasn’t the one who was pregnant, that it wasn’t
our
baby. It was his.

Ever since the whole Stephanie debacle we had also been using extra precaution when we were intimate. Though that was becoming less and less now. I counted my days religiously and would always ask Ryan to use a condom on the days I knew I was ovulating. At first he didn’t agree with it. “I don’t want anything between us.” He’d always say, which I agreed with, but with all that was going on I couldn’t risk it.

“Do you want to have two different women pregnant, living under one roof at the same time? How do you think your mother would like that?” Needless to say he wasn’t happy but the condom was put on.

…

August was busy for both Ryan and I. I spent most of my days prepping the students for their finals, summer session, and getting others ready for the fall semester. I had a total of fifteen students who attended my tutoring sessions on campus and eighty percent of the class followed the blog. I was constantly taking up more work, reorganizing Marlene’s office, and meeting with students longer than I needed to. I used any reason I could not go home. This was also when I realized that like my mother, teaching came second nature to me.

Ryan was having practice a lot more often than before. They had scouted new players from different schools across the country and he was up late almost every night going over plays and studying the teams that they were going to play this upcoming year. Sex between us was becoming less frequent. It had been three weeks since Stephanie moved in and we had only had sex three times.

One morning I stayed home a little later than usual to cook breakfast before work, Ryan walked into the kitchen and placed a soft kiss on my neck, the same placed he had kissed me a million of times before and my body reacted to him without thought. I missed him so much.

“Morning, beautiful.” His voice said, filling my heart.

My heart hurt, I missed us. I missed what we were. Every day I told myself that soon Stephanie would be out of our place. Soon. But soon never came and I pushed forward.

“Hi.” I whispered.

“I’ve missed you.” He reached for the knob on the stove and turned it off. I turned around to face him. Freshly shaven he looked delectable. I reached around, hugging his neck. His lips met mine and he kissed me passionately. Though I kissed him every day, it had been weeks since I had kissed him like this. I was hungry for him, hungry for his love. His hand wrapped around me bringing our bodies closer together. His other hand tangling in my hair as he pulled lightly on it. I licked his tongue and whimpers escaped my mouth.

His body went cold, numb against mine before he pulled away and looked down at me.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.” He said, his head low shaking from side to side. Frustration built inside of me. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“You
can’t
or you don’t
want
to Ryan? Because of
her
.” Moving him out of my way I placed my well-done scrambled eggs in the garbage, no longer hungry.

“Alani.” He called.

“Ryan, just don’t, ok. I didn’t ask you to kiss me. You did that all on your own, but don’t sit here and tell me you can’t when you clearly don’t want to. You haven’t kissed me or even touched me outside of our bedroom since
she
got here. How do you think that makes me feel huh?”

I slammed the garbage shut and walked over to the island, taking my lunch bag from the counter top.

“You know what, don’t even answer that. Just let it go.”

I walked out of the kitchen and to the garage, focusing on my day at work, consuming my time in something else, drowning into anything that would take the pain away from this.

Thursday was the last day of school. I had a week off before I had to go back and start the new semester and as I pulled into the driveway later that day, I was surprised to see that Ryan was home, and that Stephanie’s car was missing. Once inside I smelled a sweet and savory aroma coming from the kitchen. There was nothing sexier in my book that a man cooking his girl a home cooked dinner.