Divine and Dateless (9 page)

“What did you expect after that kiss yesterday?” I waved him off, attempting to save face, as if fucking his imaginary twin was no big deal. “You didn’t answer my question. What are
you
doing in my house?”

I tried to ignore his cute dimples and the twinkle in his bright blue eyes as he looked down at me expectantly. “How was I?”

I rolled my eyes. “This is Heaven. How do you think you were?”

When he folded his tanned arms across his broad chest, my gaze was drawn to the patch of fur beneath his collar. Oh, yes, too hairy. Much like an ape. My fantasy Grim was far sexier.

“Wow,” he laughed. “I guess I’ve got a lot to live up to.”

My head instinctively snapped back as if I’d been slapped. “Who says I plan on sleeping with the
real
you? Besides,” I said in an indifferent tone I didn’t feel, “I’ll probably conjure up a Swede tonight, anyway.”

As if.
Once I got rid of
this
Grim, I was going to take out all of my sexual frustration on my
other
Grim. I’d be fucking his hard, un-hairy body all morning long.

“That’s what I came to talk to you about.” Grim flashed a sheepish grin, and were my eyes deceiving me, but he actually flushed. “I’m afraid there won’t be any more fantasies for a while.”

My heart slammed against my chest, the shock even more powerful than when I’d been electrocuted.

“Excuse me?”

There was unease in his stiff shoulders and unsteady gaze. I could tell he’d rather be anywhere than with me at the moment.

Grim cleared his throat. “There was a clerical error. Someone miscalculated your credits. You were supposed to be dropped off at the second floor.” That last part came out in a jumble, as if his words had tripped over his tongue along the way.

I gaped at him. He looked at me, though his stare still wavered. A shiver stole up my spine as my wet hair dripped down my back while I waited for Grim to tell me he was kidding.

God wasn’t supposed to make mistakes, and if he did, surely he couldn’t have been cruel enough to send me packing to sweaty, smelly Purgatory.

Could he?

When Grim offered no other apology or explanation, I tried to summon the will to speak, which was rather difficult considering my mouth had gone dryer than dust. What I really needed was a warm latte with extra cream and chocolate shavings. I spied the steaming cup on the granite counter. The whipped cream was melting into the liquid, teasing me with its rich aroma. I had the feeling the only thing I’d get to drink on the second floor was leftover sludge.

“Is this some kind of joke?” I rasped.

He shrugged, splaying his hands in an apologetic gesture. “I’m afraid not. I’m really sorry.”

I looked down at his beefy fingers, painfully aware that almost those exact same fingers had been stroking and teasing me that morning. I should have listened to fantasy Grim and stayed in bed.

I crossed my arms and gave him the stare-down, realizing my scowl probably looked more like a pout, especially as I could feel the backs of my eyes watering. “The second floor? Are you saying I’m supposed to leave mind-blowing sex and chocolate cheesecake and go to a shithole in Purgatory?”

His eyes widened, and he scratched the stubble on his chin. “Mind blowing, huh? So I really was
that
good?”

I was so hot, I was seeing red. “Get out of my house!” I pointed a finger to the door.

Okay, so based on what Grim was telling me, this technically wasn’t my house. Actually, I was somewhat of a pearly gates trespasser, but that didn’t change the fact that I wanted this man gone from my life right that very instant.

I marched back to my bedroom, heart beating wildly as his heavy footsteps sounded behind me. I made a dive for my soft bed and crawled beneath the heavy comforter, pulling it up over my head. It smelled like sweat and sex and fantasy Grim’s heady cologne under there. Damn. I was so going to miss him.

I felt asshole Grim’s weight on the bed, making an unwelcome dip in my pillowy heaven. I scooted to the other side, keeping my face beneath the comforter. I didn’t want to look at his triumphant smile, especially now that he knew I’d had sex with his double.

My embarrassment multiplied the more I thought about it. If I could have died again, I would have.

“Your house is a mess.” His annoying chuckle resonated from the other side of the bed. “You two had quite the romp last night.”

His mocking voice was like a thousand tiny needles, burrowing into my pride and leaving an ache in my chest. My body was a furnace, burning up the sheets my valet and I had so thoroughly scorched last night. Only this time, I was far from an orgasm. I made a vow right then and there to never, ever, in all of eternity, have sex with fantasy Grim, or even the real Grim. Certainly not the real Grim. That man was not getting anywhere near my tunnel of love, no matter how good a lover he probably was. Next time I was picking a Swede, or maybe a Latin heartthrob like Francisco, but I sure as hell was determined to stay away from blue-eyed jerks with sexy southern drawls.

I swiped a lonely tear that slipped down my cheek, stifling a sob when I recalled my uncle telling me last night I wasn’t supposed to cry in Heaven. I had only seen my family for a few hours, and now I was going to lose them again.

Grim’s weight shifted, and he grumbled impatiently. I could almost picture him rolling his eyes, worrying about his stupid schedule. I never wanted anyone gone so badly from my life. I could think of five blind dates I’d rather have sitting on my bed rather than this pompous ass.

“Please leave me alone,” I begged, hating the pathetic whine that slipped into my voice.

“I can’t, Ash.”

Was that pity in his voice? Pity?

How dare he!

I sat up and tossed the covers off, shooting him a glare. “Ashley. My
friends
call me Ash.”

The asshole actually had the nerve to keep a straight face. What game was he playing? I almost thought I saw sympathy in those brilliant blue eyes of his, but I knew it was a ruse.

“Ash,” he said through a sigh, “the good news is the Big Guy feels bad about the mistake, and he’s letting you start at the thirteenth floor. It’s just one step away from Heaven.”

Oh, he was definitely toying with me. Come to think of it, I wondered if he wasn’t playing some sick joke. Maybe I hadn’t been taken to Heaven after all. Maybe I was in my own personal Hell, where sexy studs fucked my brains out and then tormented me. Geez. Kind of sounded like my last three relationships.

I eyed him suspiciously, waiting for his shell to crack. “How long do I have to stay there?”

He tossed up his hands. “That all depends on how fast you earn your credits.”

I came to my knees, searching his gaze for any sign of deceit. “I can’t believe this.”

“Hey, it’s not so bad down there. I got you an apartment in my building.” He bit his bottom lip as he flushed all the way to the dark roots of his thick hair. “I can’t promise mind blowing orgasms, but I make a mean plate of spaghetti.”

“Good morning, dear.” Grandma tapped on my bedroom door as she pushed it open. She looked refreshed and beautiful in a flowing pink dress that could have been ripped off a 1950s Vogue magazine. “I hope you don’t mind, I let myself in. I figured you’d still be sleeping. Have a good night?” She flashed a flirty smile at Grim. “Your valet is a brutish brunette now, huh? So I assume the answer is yes.”

“This isn’t my valet.” I thumbed at the man who was crushing my dreams. “This is the Grim Reaper who dropped me off yesterday. He’s taking me to Purgatory.”

Grandma stepped back, and with an exaggerated movement, splayed a hand across her heart. “What?”

I wasn’t buying the look of mock surprise in her eyes.

I scowled even harder at him. “He says there was a clerical error.”

“Look.” Grim groaned as he ran a hand through his hair. “You’re only one floor down. With good behavior, you’ll be back up here in ten, twenty years tops.”

“Twenty years!” I gasped.

“Good behavior!” Grandma snorted and then shook her head. “You obviously don’t know my granddaughter.”

So much for her assertion last night that God didn’t make mistakes. She’d probably suspected I was sent to the wrong floor all along.

“I’m sorry.” Grim’s lower lip turned a pout, making him look somewhat cute, though he was still an asshole. “My hands are tied. Boss’s orders.”

I sank onto the bed as my world imploded. No more family, no more beautiful apartment, and no more hot sex. I sure hoped they sold batteries in Purgatory, because I was going to need an awful lot to get me through twenty years of misery. Unable to stop the well of tears from overflowing, I buried my face in my hands and sobbed.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart.” Grandma sat beside me, wrapping a slender arm around my shoulder. “Grandpa’s just a few floors down. I’ll see you every weekend when I pay him conjugal visits.”

Great. Even Grandma was on Grim’s side. The finality of my fate made me sob even harder.

Grandma patted my back as if she was trying to burp a baby. “There, there. Everything will be okay. I’ll bring cheesecake.”

My digs on floor thirteen looked suspiciously similar to my crappy apartment on Earth.

I spun a slow circle, surveying my surroundings: compact kitchen with an ancient, baby puke-green fridge, a two-burner stove, and chipped floor tiles. To the side was a small dinette with mismatched chairs, and rounding out the circle was a cramped living room with stained shag carpet, a secondhand sofa, and an old, clunky television.

I eyed Grim through slitted lids. “I thought you said I wasn’t going to be on level two.”

“This was the best I could do, Ash.” He shrugged and flashed an apologetic smile.

What happened to Mr. Jerkface from last night? I was beginning to suspect this guy had a split personality or else he was another illusion.

“Ashley,” I said in a huff as I turned up my nose.

“I’ve got to get back to work.” He spoke through a sigh as he dug a card out of his pocket. “Here. You’ve got an appointment in two hours with your creditor.”

“My creditor?”

I eyed the little white business card. It was crinkled and musty, as if it had spent the night in Grim’s pocket. The name on the card was smudged, but the street address and suite number were still readable, and the 12:00 p.m. appointment time was clearly written in blue ink.

“Your creditor tracks your credits,” Grim explained. “He also gives you advice on how to earn more credits, so you can move up to the next floor.”

I recalled earlier that morning when Grim told me someone had miscalculated my credits. I clenched my hands as heat filled my body and infused my skull. My head felt like a steaming kettle ready to explode. “Is he the one who screwed up my credits and sent me to Heaven?” I said through gritted teeth.

Grim gave a succinct nod.

“Great,” I spat. “I’ve got a few choice words for him.”

Grim wagged a finger. “Choose your words with caution, Ash. You need to maintain a good relationship with your creditor if you want to shoot up faster.”

I was about to tell Mr. Jerkface to stop calling me by my nickname when I was startled by a knock at the door.

The door, which was already ajar, swung wide. A tall and buff twenty-something Hispanic woman stood in the doorway, smiling profusely as she held out a tinfoil-covered tray. “There you are, Mr. Tall, Dark, and Delicious,” she said with a thick Latin accent. “I made you some brownies.”

She looked like she was auditioning for an ’80s girl band, with rhinestone heeled boots, a fuchsia mini skirt, wide hoop earrings, and gold bangles jingling on her arms as she sauntered up to us with an exaggerated swagger. Her blue eye shadow and black mascara was layered on so thick, I was surprised she could hold her eyes open. Either she’d painted a large black mole above her lip or else Purgatory had a tick problem.

Grim’s face lit up like Fourth of July fireworks as he took the tray from her. “You didn’t have to do that, Inés. Thanks.”

Inés’s bright pink lips turned a pout. “I hope it helps your hangover.”

I was momentarily distracted by Inés’s Adam’s apple, which bobbled as she spoke. But then it hit me. Uh, oh. I hoped Grim didn’t have a drinking problem. That would explain his sour mood last night. He was probably impatient to go get his fix.

Inés leaned forward, her purple and black leopard print nails digging into Grim’s taut forearm as she spoke. “I heard you had a rough night.”

Grim’s face colored as he shrugged. “It was nothing. Don’t you worry about me.” He cleared his throat before nodding toward me. “Inés, I’d like you to meet Ash.”

She turned to me with an affectionate smile. “Hola,
chica
. You just come from floor twelve?”

I shook her outstretched hand, wincing beneath her firm grip. It was my turn to flush. I sure hoped everyone here didn’t ask me this. I’d hate to have to explain myself for the next twenty years.

“No,” I said as she released me, and I shook the feeling back into my hand.

“She came from the Penthouse,” Grim said.

Inés’s booming yell morphed into a girly shriek, making her sound like a linebacker who’d just inhaled a helium balloon. “
Aye Dios Mio
!” She scooted away from me, making a sign of the cross. “You must have done some pretty bad shit to get kicked out of Heaven, but don’t you worry.” She held out a hand, bobbling her head like a diva on speed. “Inés don’t judge nobody.”